I long for truth, and yet
I cannot stay from that
My better self disowns,
For a man's attention
Brings such satisfaction
To the craving in my bones.
~ W. B. Yeats
The night was full of stars – like a black sequined sari. Kranti stood by the window looking up at the Heavens. The gentle breeze that blew in lifted her loose dark hair and caressed her neck. She shivered. Images floated in front of her eyes. She felt as if his hands were playing with her hair. She remembered that drenched night, the rain and that far away shack. Her cheeks reddened and her breathing quickened. Why did she always get disturbed in this manner? She had hated that experience and she had hated that night. She wanted to forget it and wipe it out of her mind. So why couldn't she?
She had accused him of getting her drunk, of cleverly seducing her and had told all of it to her mother-in-law. She had spat cruel words because of what he had done to her. She was honest when she said she loathed him. Her MIL had believed her and so had Buaji. Why had her husband pleaded innocence? Why did he repeatedly say it wasn't like that? Why did he ask for a chance to be understood? He said one thing to her and another thing to her sister-in-law. And her SIL reported this to her. But Kranti knew there was no truth in her tittle-tattle. Then why did she allow her to talk? Why did she want people to reinforce her bad opinion of him?
Sweat broke out on her brow. She closed her eyes and lifted her face to the wind. She felt enveloped. She felt his arms around her and his breath on her face. She opened her eyes in shock. She seemed to see him everywhere. It was not him but the wind gently fanning her cheeks. The curtains billowed round her head. She was very confused. Her heart seemed to betray her.
Her husband had changed. She could see that and feel it. She knew how his eyes followed her. She had seen his rueful looks and his softened expressions. But she didn't want to look at him. She knew that if she did, she would drown in those dark eyes. His hauteur had dissipated somewhat she thought and he was trying to make himself more approachable. Yet she couldn't trust him for she could not forget his wrongdoings.
She remembered how she had slept sitting on the floor with her head on the bed. She had shivered in the cold night. She had felt the warm blanket being put around her. She had felt him kneeling next to her and stretching out his arms. She had been half asleep. She had longed to turn into those arms and rest her head on his shoulders. She had kept her eyes firmly shut. She snuggled into the blanket. She had heard him sigh and walk away.
She could not even count the number of times he had tried to help her. But she always jerked away from him. His wanting to help with the heavy bucket, his stroking her back when she had a coughing bout and his defence of her in front of Madhumati. And he had called her SIL a monkey !!!! She couldn't help but smile. He had not lost his superciliousness after all. That was one of his attributes that had attracted her to him in the first place. Attracted her to him??????? Dear God………..What was she thinking now?
She looked down at that beautiful fountain in the courtyard. She was fascinated by it. The sound of falling water reminded her of………… She shook her head. What was happening to her? She turned away and went to lie on the bed. She laid her head on the pillow. Sleep made her eyelids heavy and they dropped to close her eyes.
She was walking in a tunnel. She suddenly stopped when she heard Raj calling her name. She turned round and saw him standing some distance away. A smile seemed to play on his lips. His arms slowly outstretched and she began to run towards him. Her feet quickly carried her to him. His arms closed round her. She laid her head on his heart. She could hear the strong beats. She had reached her haven. There was a deep satisfaction within her. She sighed and turned on her side and the moon shone on her face.
From the dark corner of the room, Raj watched her. His breath was caught in his throat. Why did she affect him so much? There was a time when he found her nothing more than an irritating fly. What had changed the scenario today? One night of Passion? An urge to tame her? Or something deeper? There would be no sleep for him today either. She slept soundly for she had nothing on her conscience. His conscience wouldn't let him sleep. He would be able to sleep only when she forgave him. Until then he would wait. He was sure the day was not too far away when she would melt and accept him. When she would realise that he had indeed changed. He wouldn't give up so easily. He knew how to grab things from life and hold onto it. No force on earth could take away from him what he wanted. And he would play out this game very carefully and sincerely. There was a lot at stake. One wrong move and he knew she would be out of his life – never to return again.
The night carried on. She slept comfortably – totally enmeshed in her web of dreams. Her dreams which centred on her husband. The feeling of pure hate was slowly changing. She began to long for him, she wanted him to keep her close to him, she wanted to see him looking at her with those dark eyes. She had seen how those brown eyes changed to black whenever he glanced at her. Those eyes which were hitherto inscrutable now looked at her with kindness and understanding. She knew he was still arrogant for he had given her knowing looks, when he had pulled the telephone book from her putty hands and found the Dr Kapoor's number. She knew when he silently watched her for she could feel her skin tingle. What had changed the scenario today? One night of passion? The urge to nest? Or something deeper? She wanted to stay by him; she wanted to remain in this marriage forever. She knew he would never manhandle her and always be gentle. Was it just a physical need? Or was it something more? Should she trust him? Was it still just a game for him? She knew he loved to play the cat and mouse game with her. She didn't like that and somehow she felt that wasn't what he wanted either.
In the sanctity of the prayer room, she knew she had to be honest with herself, with him and her new family. She had heard Chaijee's fervent prayer of hope asking God to keep her younger son and his wife happy together. Her heart began to race. She turned and saw her husband standing in front of her. She looked up at him. His eyes were watching her closely. Her heart skipped a beat. She felt suddenly shy and she looked away.
She looked at the altar, and prayed that Mata rani would help her make her decision. She would try to make a go of it. She would change her Machiavelli and render him human. She would leave behind her fears if he showed true signs of remorse. After all life is never at a standstill, it's always moving.
She would sit one day on the garden seat near that beautiful fountain. She would sit there with him holding his hand. She would sit there with him in contentment.
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