Crumb by Crumb: MP/NA FF Pt5 Pg12 - Page 7

# 4. Can you feel it, is it true, is something gone inside of you? Wish there was something I could do, from here on it is only you.

December 2008

"Are you—alright?"

"Just great."

"You don't look so good."

"Oh, really, you think?"

"Sarcasm doesn't suit you."

"It does, actually, you just don't like it."

"True, but stop using it."

"Do I look like I care?"

"Well--"

She smiles triumphantly and goes back to doing nothing. He gazes at her for another second and starts speaking again, "So what's er… wrong?"

"This."

He is silent for a moment, because he doesn't know what he should say. "Yeah," he agrees, almost silently.

"We need to stop doing this." She states it almost firmly but he brushes it aside by kissing her again. This time, she doesn't resist and falls back on the bed. His hands are warm, and his touch is so good on her face, and when his fingers are tangled up in his hair, she really doesn't mind all of this. She holds on tightly to him and doesn't resist from biting into his shoulder, because even they aren't sure what they're doing. It's supposed to be about passion and making sense, but somewhere along the line they also talk (even though it's not the best pillow talk) and somehow care and its all oddly frightening. But she isn't really given the scope to think much, because he chooses that moment to start kissing her back and the next moment, their hands are all over each other and god, its bliss.

She's still awake late at night, after he has gone to sleep, and she's silently waiting for the alarm to ring so that she can get up, get dressed and go back to feeling some sense of normalcy. But then he wakes up and notices her scared face, and asks worriedly, "What's wrong?" and she can't resist.

"We shouldn't be doing this," she says vehemently, "We're both married to other people, and Milind thinks I'm on a business trip and Prachi thinks you're abroad. We really shouldn't be doing this."

"Morals never seemed to bother you before," he replies starkly, and she doesn't know what to say. It doesn't feel wrong, and honestly, she isn't even guilty about it but there's this small sense of remorse that is eating her up alive, and she hates it because she's the only one allowed to destroy herself.

"Why are we doing this?", she asks desperately and he shrugs, "It's not like I forced you to." He sighs and runs his fingers through his hair, "I don't know, I guess we just—make sense in some oddly twisted way."

And they did make sense, because she was too masochistic and self destructive for her own good, and he was too altruistic for *anyone's* good, but they balance each other out, and she's hoping to find this balance since a really, really long time. That and they have sort of history of going back to each other. She pretty much hates him then because he can be so aloof (she wonders if that's what life finally did to him, sometimes) and she's pretty sure he hates her too because everything, everything, everything already fell apart but when he kisses her again and she screams his name out loud, it feels like coming home.

(And she clings on to it, because she's never had a home before)

October 2008

She stares at the phone blankly, even though the person on the other end has hanged up on her. She doesn't hear the pair of footsteps behind her and doesn't realize that someone is watching her until it's nearly too late. She sees Milind standing there, and he doesn't really speak to her until he notices her crying.

"Was it bad news?" he asks tentatively, and she's almost grateful that he almost doesn't want to know. But she needs to tell because it's too much to keep inside, and really, she thinks, of all people perhaps he is the best to know.

"My husband is cheating on me." Her voice is blunt, and even she herself is surprised (because, isn't she supposed to be so kind and unforgiving?). "With your wife," she continues, and then pauses because it sounds ridiculously absurd.

She doesn't understand the look of relief on his face, but his scruffy features break into a smile, "Yes, I know," he replies, and it's dumbfounding. She wants to scream out loud, because finally she is married, (even though it's with the almost-right guy) and finally there's some semblance of peace in the house, but she doesn't because she doesn't know what she's done to deserve it, and in her mind the picture of her eight-year old self on the swings with Neev hurts a lot. She isn't sure what she should be angry at, her husband cheating or the fact that it was with her half-sister who has already ruined everything, so she just stands there and stays quiet and hopes that it's really all a horrible, horrible nightmare.

That's partially the reason why she doesn't stop Milind when he leans forward to brush away her tears and she doesn't stiffen when his lips are so alarmingly close to hers. She doesn't even turn away when their lips finally meet and before they know it they're kissing in the middle of the hall and neither of them really know why. Maybe it's just desperation and a combined form of hurt, but they both know it isn't and until they know whatever it is, it doesn't matter what they're doing. She's almost ashamed for a minute because she's degrading herself but Milind is right here and he is the right guy, and she knows from experience that she should claim the good when it comes.

Two days later when Neev comes back, looking simultaneously happy and guilty, she doesn't say anything at all and pretends to listen to his over-enthusiastic descriptions of the so-called business trip. She pretends she doesn't notice Ayesha's happier mood, or the hurt that flashes into Milind's eyes because he is ultimately not the one to make anyone happy, and for a minute it makes her furious. She never says anything to Neev and Milind never says anything to Ayesha because they're all alone, but this is consistent and god knows they need consistency in their lives, and it's much, much better to be with someone rather than being alone.

Later that night, she meets Milind on the terrace and kisses that hurt expression away from his face, and for a minute they forget everything else because they're there for each other and that's so rare it's something to worth revel in.

September 2007

"I don't want to fight with you," she says calmly, and his first reaction is to say, "So don't", but that's obvious and redundant so he keeps quiet. She stands exactly in the same position, looks at him in exactly the same ways and repeats exactly the same word. "I don't want to fight with you," she says, and the unspoken but I will lingers in the air.

He folds his arm and just stands there, and she repeats it again, as if the third time's a charm, but it isn't really anything, and he doesn't really feel intimidated by her.

"Then why the hell are you still talking," he spits out his words, and he isn't sure if he is angry at her for destroying everything, or if he's angry at himself because he can't help but be impressed at how neatly she destroyed everything.

She smirks, and it's really supposed to make her face look evil, but that somehow makes her more vulnerable. "I really, really don't want to fight with you, Neev, but if you take one single step to sabotage me, I will."

He bites back a reply, because it isn't too much of a threat,(that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt). She has the money, she has the house, and she has everything last penny he had ever had. That and slaves aren't supposed to stand up to their masters (mistresses), and so he says nothing, because some superior force is telling him not to.

She doesn't spare another glance at him and goes to bed, and he wonders at how many more questions he will add to his unanswered list. People do things for a reason, at least that's what he used to think. He married Ayesha because Prachi wanted him to (and he almost- almost doesn't hate her), and Prachi married Milind because she needs the money. Those things he can understand. They are painful and excruciating but they're understandable. But then there are those other things he cannot make any sense out of. He doesn't understand how Ayesha can sleep so peacefully after destroying the lives of (at least) five people, and he doesn't understand why he doesn't just open his goddamn mouth and says something.

He wonders how they've gotten here, from being four individuals, independent and strong and friendly and relatively happy to four shells of what they used to be, all walking and drifting apart without trusting one another. And he desperately wants to believe that it was her, she with her business suit and attorney papers, and the moment she walked in, everything fell apart. But he knows better, (because silence has its perks and it lets him observe), he knows better than to think that it was that one moment which destroyed everything. But it wasn't really, it was a series of moments (from long, long, long ago) and mountains and mountains of molehills that came together only to disintegrate.

February 2007

They both stand together, side by side, although neither of them really notices the other standing there. It's almost surreal, and both of them would give anything to just go away and not be here of all places. But here they are, and their shoulders are almost touching, and the vibes between them cannot be categorized into solidarity or hatred.

Ayesha hates being here, but she is here because it's compulsive and there is something so pulling to this place (and to this man) that to hate him is almost tiring. Prachi hates being there too, because he was her father, dammit, and for all the things he taught her, he didn't really ever teach her what to do when he is gone. So they just stand there and watch as the first piece of wood catches flame on his body and try really, really hard to keep steady.

Ayesha doesn't know why she's crying exactly, but his body catches into flames and she cries almost freely for the father she will never have and the mother she will never get back and the life that really, was never hers to begin with. She takes out that golden bangle and throws it across the field, because it's a reminder of how everything just got messed up altogether. She doesn't know why she's here, and moreover, she doesn't know why she is mourning a man she never really knew except that he was gentle, kind, soft and had a great ability to break people's heart, but now he's gone and it feels like the end of an era and the beginning of apocalypse, and she tries not to choke and squeeze herself to death because she's mourning something that was never hers to begin with.

Prachi stands there and blames it all on her father, because it's her wedding day and it's supposed to be happy and miraculous and not sad and devastating. She tries not to look at her sister (it's funny how fast things can change) standing next to her, and she tries not to look at his body slowly catching flames. She remembers the first time she ever felt close to her father, and it was such a long time ago. She stands there and remembers the exact color of his eyes and the exact shape of his teeth and the exact way his mouth crinkled when he spoke. And it has to nature's utmost cruelty, because there is no other way to explain why she cannot remember his last words.

So they stand there, with tears running down their cheeks and desperation practically oozing out of their eyes, and at that moment when Inder Shah's body is fully aflame, for that moment their differences are just….gone.

(And it could be a good omen, or it could be a bad omen, but mostly its death and it can only speak for itself).