Hello all!
Here comes the eighth part.
A peek into the past...This is a long piece, long enough that I wondered whether I should break it into two posts. But I couldn't figure out a way to do that without ruining the emotions that i was trying to bring out.
English translation on Page 2
This is a very emotional piece and took a lot out of me. So, please do take the time to let me know how you find it.
8. This day, that year
He didn't know what to do, how to prepare. The topic hadn't been discussed much, well, actually never, and it was by chance that he'd overheard Payal telling Anjali in the morning that it was "that" day tomorrow. Now that he knew, he couldn't help hovering, watching his wife like a hawk. Tomorrow would mark the sixteenth year since the passing of Khushi's parents.
According to Payal, who he had cornered after breakfast, Khushi preferred to not talk about it much, opting to go for a quiet pooja in the Mandir and spending the reminder of the day as per her usual routine. Payal voiced her regret at the fact that in spite of living with Khushi for over fourteen years, she had never been able to get her sister to share her pain on this day. This time, however, Anjali had convinced Khushi to have the pooja at home, so that the entire family could be there for her.
Unsure of how to make himself useful, he'd made it a point to reach home early, so that he would be around whenever his wife needed him. Khushi had been surprised to see him sitting in the dining room when she came downstairs with Anjali.
"Chotte, tum kab aaye? Aur bina Khushiji ko pukaare yahaan baithe ho? Kya hua, koi jhagadha toh nahi hua nah?"
Looking at his wife who was eyeing him suspiciously, Arnav replied, "Aisa kuch nahi hain, Di. Bus, Mami ne mujhe bataaya ki Khushi aur aap abhi-abhi upar gaye hain, toh maine socha ki aapke wapas aane tak main wait karoonga."
"Hmm...theek hain. Roz toh tumhe koi farak nahi padtha ki Khushiji kahaan-kahaan se daudke aati hain tumhare aate hue...", she smirked but seeing Arnav starting to get irritated, quickly added, "Khushiji, hum Nani ke kamre mein ja rahe hain. Kisi cheez ki zaroorat pade toh humein bula leejiyega..."
"Ji, theek hain, Di."
As Anjali walked off, Khushi turned to her husband who had gone back to drinking his coffee quietly. "Aap theek toh hain? Aise achaanak jaldi kyun office se aa gaye? Aur aap humein bulaya kyun nahi?"
"Kuch khaas nahin, Khushi. Work got over early, so I came home. Tum kya kar rahi thi?"
Sitting down next to him and automatically starting to brush his hair away from his forehead, she replied, "Main toh bus kal ke pooja liye jo taiyyaariyan karni thi, woh dekh rahi thi, Di ke saath. Hum hamesha mandir mein jaake kiya karte the, yeh sab. Ghar mein pehli baar kar rahi hoon nah, toh mujhe unki madad chaahiye."
Catching hold of her hand and resting it against his cheek, Arnav asked, "Khushi, tum theek ho? Main kya kar sakta hoon, tumhe help karne ke liye?"
"Aap humare liye jaldi aa gaye, yeh hi bohot hain, humare liye. Aapko kya laga, humein pata nahi chalega ki subah se aap Di ko pandrah baar phone kar chuke hein, sirf yeh poochne ke liye ki hum kaise hain?"
"Main tumhe dukhi nahin dekh sakta, Khushi...", he said, softly placing a kiss on her hand which was still held captive against his cheek.
"Jaanti hoon...aur hum thodi dukhi toh honge hi, Arnavji, kal barsi jo hain. Lekin aap fikar math keejiye, hum apne aap ko sambhaal sakthe hain, itni saalon se jo karti aayi hoon. Aap bus humare paas rahiyega. Aap ho toh humaari har gham mit jaathi hain."
Waiting until he finished his coffee, she said, "Aapki coffee ho gayi toh hum Nani ke kamre mein jaa rahi hain. Ab bhi bohot saare kaam pade hain kal ke liye."
Grabbing her into a bear hug before she got up and went to Nani's room, Arnav wished that the day would come and go quick. Khushi might be putting up a brave face, but he knew that neither this night, nor the next day would pass without him having to see her cry her heart out.
He also knew that she would keep away from him as much as possibble, lest she lose the iron-grip she had on herself and weaken in the face of his concern.
"She had already started doing it", he thought, as he watched her walk away. Her usual habit was to dance around him till he had changed and settled down, updating him of every detail about her day. But today, she'd walked off as soon as she could manage to do it, as if she was afraid of spending time with him.
He knew, since he'd gone through the same thing earlier in the year. He'd held himself together until Khushi came up to their room after the pooja. Having someone this close to your heart meant that in times of sadness, one glimpse of them can break-down your carefully built barriers. You might hold strong in front of everyone else, but with them, you desperately seek comfort, reassurance. So, until you have the luxury of doing it, you keep away from the refuge.
"We're much more alike than you think, Khushi..." Arnav murmured, sighing.
Deciding to leave her in Di and Nani's capable hands, he headed up to their room. Freshening up, he came back down and settled himself in the family area with the newspaper so that he could keep an eye on her. For an casual observer, there wouldn't have been any difference in Khushi's routine. She was, as usual, running around doing a million things at once, the preparations for the pooja apparently over. But to his well-trained eye, which had spent thousands of hours watching her, the forced quality in her laugh, in her chatter, was visible as day.
She was a little subdued when the family sat down to dinner. Her determined efforts to not catch his eye let him in on the fact that she was close to her limit. Taking care not to touch her or talk to her, Arnav finished his dinner quickly and went to his room. He waited by the poolside until he heard his wife come in and go to the washroom. Going back in, he got into bed and sat leaning against the headboard, waiting for her.
As Khushi came out, one glance at him holding out his hand to her was enough to make her throw the towel aside and rush headlong into his arms. The initial silence giving way to harsh gasps, she lay there, securely held against his chest. His heart breaking for her, Arnav did what he did best, gave his silent support. He'd seen Khushi weeping, all-out crying, but never in this state, where she wasn't shedding a single tear, but was all the more worse for it.
After a very long time, by when his wife had gone back to lying there silently, Arnav whispered, "Talk to me, sweetheart."
She didn't respond for so long, and lay so still, that he wondered whether she'd fallen asleep. Just as he was about to shift her to her pillow, she tightened her hold on him. "Nahi. Mujhe aise aapke baahon mein thodi der aur rehne deejiye."
Eyes tearing at the rasping whisper, he crushed her to him, offering his warmth up for as long as she needed it. Speakig so softly that he had to strain to make out her words, she said, "Bohot pyaara ghar tha humara. Chota tha, gaun se thoda door, khethon ke beech mein. Humne kabhi bhi aapko bataaya nahin nah, humare Babuji Malhiabad school mein master the, ganith ka. Aur Amma, humein hamesha aise lagta tha ki Amma koi pari hain so zameen pe aayi hain, humare aur Babuji ke liye, itni sundar aur khushiyan baantnewali insaan toh pari hi ho sakti thi nah."
The wistful tone wrecking havoc on his control over his emotions, Arnav listened quietly. He had a feeling that like him, after the accident, Khushi had moved on with a single-minded determination and had never allowed herself to think much about her life with her parents. She did talk to them, her stars, but she had kept a firm lid on the memories, the memories that would remind her of all that was lost, that would remind her that the stars would never come back down to meet her, to hold her.
"Hamari ek bakri thi, Laddoo. Isi liye toh humein Lakshmiji itni pasand hain." Pausing a beat, she added, "Sab kuch hone ke baad, humein Laddoo ko pados ki mamiji ko saunpke jaana pada. Lucknow ke galiyon mein laddoo ka kya hota."
Drawing a deep breath, she continued, "Achaanak ek din, Amma ki tabeeyat kuch kharab ho gayi aur Babuji ne Mausi ko ghar le aaya. Hum ghar ke peechewali aam ke ped ke upar baithe hue the, aur jab Amma humein pukaara toh hum chup-chaap baithi rahi. Agar unhone humare kapade ki haalath dekhi hoti toh humein daant padthi nah."
Almost smiling as he picturized a tiny Khushi sitting atop a mango tree, hiding the stains on her dress from her mother, Arnav kept listening quietly.
"Amma aur Babuji kahin jaa rahe the. Jaate jaate humne Babuji ko aise kehte hue suna ki ab bachche ke aane ke baad hi Mausi wapis jaayegi. Humein samajh mein nahi aaya ki kaunse bachche ke baare mein Babuji baat kar rahe the. Phir hum darr jaye, yeh sochke ki humari badmaashi ke kaaran woh koi doosre bachche ko humari jagah ghar laane ke liye Amma ko leke jaa rahe hain."
"Aur jab tak hum ped se uthar jaye, taaki hum unse pooch le ki woh sachch mein koi naye bachche ko laane jaa rahe hain, tab tak woh nikal chuke the. Aur...phir...", Khushi stopped suddenly, breathing in short gasps, clutching his sweater tightly.
Almost choking on the words, she continued, "Tab humein pata hi nahi tha ki humari ek choti behen ya bhai aanewale the. Babuji toh Amma ko leke Doctor ko dekhne ke liye nikale the."
Oh Lord, there had been a third life lost that day, one that hadn't even had a chance to arrive into this world. Unmindful of the tears slowly dripping down his temple, Arnav rubbed her back, her shoulders, her arms, wishing that he could take away the pain, take it onto himself, anything that would spare her the agony.
"Shh...Khushi, tumhe baat karne ki zaroorat nahin hain. Just...", his voice broke.
"Humein bolne deejiye, Arnavji. Di humse boli thi ek baar, Mamma kahti thi ki mann ki baat bataane se aur gham ko aansoo mein bahaane mein hi humari bhalaayi hain. Aur humare ek aap hi toh hain jo humaari iss gham ko samajh sake. Humein bolne deejiye, shayad bolne se hum phir saans le payenge."
His pain at the agony almost becoming a physical ache, Arnav continued running his hands down her back, as if trying to rub away her suffering.
"Ek aakhri baar Amma humein pukaara tha aur hum gayi nahin. Shayad tab hum gaye hote toh woh humaari kapde badalne mein lag jaati aur woh us rickshaw mein nahi hoti, aur shaayad woh tez car se nahi takraati...Ya shaayad woh humein bhi saath le jaati, aur hum bhi unke saath..."
The monologue and the implied thought becoming unbearable to him, Arnav cried out, "Bus, Khushi...kyun apne aap ko itna takleef de rahi ho? Tumhi hamesha mujhse kehti ho naah, jo beeth gaye, unki achchi yaadein hi mann mein rakhni chaahiye, aur har ek dukh bhari yaad ko bhool deni chaahiye. Woh ek haadsa tha, sweetheart. You couldn't have prevented it, it had nothing to do with you.'
Continuing as if she hadn't even heard him, she said,"Jab thodi der baad humare mukhiya daudke aaye aur Mausi se kuch kahe, Mausi bus ek cheekh di aur behosh hoke gir padi. Aas paas ke sab log aa gaye aur sab unki dekhbhaal karne lage. Kisi ne bhi humse kuch nahin kaha. Jab Mausi ko hosh aayi, toh woh Amma aur Babuji ko pukaarke rone lagi aur beech beech mein humaari naam bhi lethi rahi. Tabhi yaad aaya sabko ki hum bhi hain wahan, aur humein mausi ke paas le gaye. Lekin, humein samajh mein nahi aaya ki ho kya raha hain. Amma aur Babuji ko agle din ghar le aaye, par woh so rahe the, humse ek shabd bhi nahin kaha. Phir woh log unhe wapis kahin le gaye."
Her voice suddenly turning child-like, Khushi said, "Hum bohot koshish ki, Arnavji, par hum unhe rok nahin paye. Amma aur Babuji ko woh log kahin le gaye..."
Suddenly remembering the harsh words he had spoken to her the year before on the day of his parent's death anniversary, Arnav drew in a shuddering breath. She had known enough and more about what it feels like when the house is bereft of the two people who make it your home. And she had been hardly seven or eight, just a baby, unable to understand or process what had happened.
He felt a rush of gratitude to Garima and Shashi, who had taken in the broken child and made sure that she grew out of the tragedy, grew up to become a fine, strong, happy girl. It was nothing short of a miracle, Khushi being Khushi after all that she had suffered.
Weeping now, Arnav stroked her cheek, cradling her face against his heart. Feeling him shake, she looked up at him. Stunned to see his tears, she leaned up to wipe them away, "Mat royiye, Arnavji...please, mat royiye...". Unaware that tears had started flowing from her eyes too, she continued wiping his face, until he drew her down again.
Feeling his shuddering breaths, Khushi hugged him tight. She knew, just as it had been unbearable for her to witness his pain on his bad day, her husband was struggling to be strong for her.
Lying there silently, Khushi let her tears wash away the burning ache that had been building up inside her since morning, maybe, since the day she had lost her parents. Afterall, this was the first time she had relived the most horrifying day of her life. Maybe, the fact that her husband was the one person who could understand her agony, would help in healing her.
Finally finding peace in her Arnavji's arms, she slept, leaving Arnav to a sleepless night, a night where he kept vigil for his wife. It was his form of paying respects to those gentle souls who had brought her into this world, into his world.
*******************
Khushi sensed his gaze on her even before she came awake completely. Blinking open her aching eyes, she took a moment to listen to the steady beat of his heart before looking up at him. His expression a mixture of love, pain and apprehension, she could tell that he was waiting for some sort of clue from her as to how to proceed with the day.
Giving him a faint smile laced with sadness, she told him, "Aap chinta na keejiye, Arnavji, hum theek hain. Humare liye barsi ki pehliwaali raat hi sabse kadhin hoti thi, lekin iss baar hum akele nahin the. Aaj ka din toh pooja main gusar jaayegi. Aap bus humare paas rahiyega..."
"Hamesha...", he replied, hugging her to him.
*******************
The day passed in a blur of activity. Khushi's Amma, Babuji aur Buaji came early to help in the preparations and it brought tears to the eyes of the entire family to see Garima weeping uncontrollably, holding Khushi in a tight embrace.
The sombre mood persisted for the entire day and all Arnav could do was stay right beside his wife, trying to give her as much comfort as he could, with his presence. To everyone watching, it was clear that Khushi was able to get through the day only because of him. She would look up at him intermittently and lean into him when he touched her in response, as if drawing strength from her husband, as if reminding herself that, in spite of the terrible past, she was here, with him, safe and loved.
Once her family had left after the evening tea, Khushi excused herself and went up to their room, pausing for a moment to let Arnav know that she wanted him to come with her. He found her waiting for him at the poolside, looking up at the darkening sky. Coming up behind her, Arnav pulled his wife into his embrace, "Tum theek ho?"
Leaning back against his chest, she nodded, "Thank you, Arnavji. Kal raat ke liye aur aaj ke liye. Agar aap nahin hote toh hum hamesha ki tarah chup-chaap sab kaam kar lethe. Lekin aaj pehli baar humein barsi ki pooja ke baad sukoon mehsoos ho raha hain, dard nahin."
Hugging her tighter, he whispered against her hair, "Kaha tha nah, rahoonga tumhare saath, har mod pe...Hamesha..."
Smilingly softly, Khushi turned to him, safe in the envelope of his arms. A little while later, she stepped back and looked up at the sky again, "Amma, Babuji, ab toh hum sach mein theek hain. Aap donon ne inhe jo bheja hain humare liye..."
Looking back at her husband who was watching her silently, Khushi murmured, "Hamesha..."
Author's Note:
This was very difficult for me to write. I'm not sure how many of you will understand when I say that it had to be written.
When you lose people, you tend to shove your grief into a corner of your heart and get back to the practicalities of daily survival. Then, some days come around during the year, when every waking moment torments you with memory after memory. It leaves you so exhausted and broken, that it doesn't leave you with the strength to even cry. A huge hole opens up in your chest and every breath you take ends up failing to reach your lungs, leaving you gasping in agony. On such days, you just want to burrow deep into something, someone, who'll keep you safe from breaking apart, who'll prevent the hole from opening wide and consuming you as a whole.
All you can do is to just ride out those days, hoping that as the sun comes up the next morning, you'll be able to get back to your daily grind, the latch firmly back on that compartment in your heart. And go about your life, drawing strength from your loved ones, those who remind you that the world is not all pain and grief, there's joy in it as well.
I hope I've done justice to the piece.
P.S : I'll be back on Friday with a lighter OS, just to make up for the gloom.
P.S.2 : The other OSs can be found here :
Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi 2
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