04. Chal Chale Apne Ghar
Life is not a fairytale, we hear it often. But one never ceases to hope. So what if life cannot be a fairytale, a fairytale can be lived in a moment. And most of us do, we grab those moments by both our hands desperate for a little respite from this thing called life. We don't question why when we are living our fairy tales. But some fairytales never come into being because some of us are too suspicious, too sceptical and too undeserving of happiness. Some, the lucky ones never cease hoping and living and others, sometimes they wake up to the smell of flesh burning, condemnation, hatred that acquires a life of its own. Breathing, writhing hatred. The whole is more than sum of its part. If it was not, the whole couldn't have defeated us, couldn't have thrown us into this pitiless state of hatred.
Khushi wakes up breaking into cold sweat. Where is the light? She needs some light. The darkness is scaring her. She can still hear the voices, maniac laughter. "we are cleansing our lives, our daughters' and our sisters'", "Duty" "Duty". They sing like a holy prayer. She can't take it anymore. She closes her eyes, squeezed shut. But the voices are from inside her. She can't silence them. And the laughter, sweet tinkling maniacal laughter. "Make it stop, please make it stop" she whispers. She needs some light, she knows, it will make it stop. Her hands flail around searching for something, anything. She feels herself go cold with dread when she finds nothing to hold onto. "Make it stop" "Make it stop" "Make it stop". She continues whispering helplessly, hysterically.
"Khush, Khush. Are you okay?"
"Wait, I will switch on the light"
"Khush, everythings alright."
"Look at me, hey, hey. It's okay"
Khushi hears the familiar voice saying it is okay but she doesn't believe it for a moment. It is not okay, not okay. She knows it in her heart.
The light, she needed the light. Now she wants to hide from it. People can see her in the light. She doesn't want them to see. She doesn't want Arnav to see her wretched self. But he is not here, not here. He can't see you, you should never let him see you' Khushi tells herself.
"Khushi, you are okay. Look at me, please."
She looks up to see Piyush hovering over her.
"Bhai" she whispers, her throat feels dry.
She gratefully takes the glass of water Piyush extends towards her.
He is sitting at the edge of her bed. His face concerned, worried. She doesn't deserve it.
"I am okay." She knows she is not.
"I know." He knows she is not.
But too much pain between them, too many bitter memories, and things usually go unsaid. A brother who loved and a sister who didn't know what it meant.
He will talk to father again about this, shit' Khushi didn't want to feel like this. Always in debt of those she had been unfair to. Piyush gets up to leave the room. She wishes he wouldn't and they would talk like the two kids who blabbered non-stop, had fun and made each other mad. But wishes, mere wishes.
Khushi doesn't want to sleep anymore, she is afraid she would dream again. She takes up a book lying near her pillow. Futile, she knows. She can't concentrate. Her mind wanders off, everywhere and stops at Arnav. It's been a month since he had started helping her with academics. She still can't wrap her head around the fact that he agreed to help her in the first place. He hated her, didn't he? And she did not want to have to do anything with him either. But how did this happen? She had let herself ignore the sense of foreboding she has about this whole set up. He is not the same little boy of 10 that he was.
She had started thinking more about him since that one day she let him in and bawled her eyes out. She is afraid the times spent with him are the only moments of peace she has left in her life. The thought scares her. She had opened up a little bit of herself when she is with him. Her likes, her dislikes, things she is afraid of. But he already seemed to know who she is. That makes it easier but scary. She had parts of herself she herself didn't acknowledge, rather doesn't want to. She hopes he doesn't know about them too. She has this feeling, he will know. She will have to let him know, someday. She shakes off the thought. She doesn't want to think about the future, because when she does he is always there, somewhere. What she didn't know was that someday is very near.
------0000------
He has not come to the university today. Khushi hopes against hope that he will come. She looks for him in all places likely. She knows what day is today. He has not been coming since last three days. She should not expect him to come. But she can't stop looking for him when someone enters the tea shop she is sitting in. Hoping he would come.
She worries when she thinks what he could be doing right now. Should I go to his apartment?' But he might not like that. He is a private person. But I can't just sit here and despair' She reasons. You are the last person he would want to see today' her mind quips.
But I want to see him, he has been there when I needed someone. He understood.'
But you will never understand'
That is not true'
Isn't it?'
The sneering voice inside her head isn't strong enough for the restlessness she felt at not seeing Arnav. She decides to go find him. Once a decision is taken, one is only more impatient to see it though. Because everything seems easy in the beginning. Khushi is no exception to human nature, our species being. Her steps hurried, she has to go meet Arnav.
"Khushi, wait"
She stops hearing a familiar voice. She did not want to, but we are creatures of habit.
"Khushi, how are you?"
"I am in a hurry NK. Can we do this some other time?"
She doesn't want NK around, at least not for some more time. NK, her best friend, the one who called her a snob, a hypocrite because she refused to go out with him. She needs to deal with the loss of immense trust she had placed on him.
"Khushi, please. I am sorry. You know I am. You don't receive my calls, don't reply to my texts. How else am I supposed to reach you? I had been a fool. Please forgive me. I just want to talk. Please, let's talk."
"NK, not now. I need you away for some time. We will talk when I am ready. Try to understand."
"But I miss you Khushi. I miss my best friend. It's been a month Khushi. When will you listen to me?"
"I don't know. I am trying NK."
"Khushi tell me when, I will wait. Just tell me till when"
"Why don't you understand? It does not work like that NK. Do you think it is possible to give yourself a deadline to come out of your grief? NK, look I need some time."
"I know I hurt you Khushi. But you hurt me too. And I couldn't handle it, pata nahi kya kya bol gaya main. Can we not talk this out? You would never be ready if you don't let me explain."
"Fine. But not today. I have some place to be." She agrees more out of urgency to get to Arnav than of her consent.
"Okay. How does this Friday sound?"
"Fine. Now I really need to go. Bye NK."
She doesn't know if she can keep her word to NK. But for now she has more important things to think about.
------0000-------
She stands outside Arnav's door, hesitant to knock. She contemplates whether this is worth it. She knocks tentative knocks on the door. The door doesn't open. This time she knocks louder.
"Who is it?" Arnav's irritated voice comes booming from the other side.
She wants to turn back and run. She hears shuffling of feet and the door opens.
"You? What the hell are you doing here?"
She can't speak. She doesn't know the answer to his question. What is she doing here? Why did she come to him?
"If you are just gonna stand there mute, I have work to do."
He is closing the door. She has to stop him. He doesn't look well.
"I need help"
"What help?" his voice gruff and his eyes red.
"Woh, I need to form my research questions for tomorrow's presentation. Debbarma sir is on leave today."
"I can't help you. Leave."
"But.."
He is closing the door on her face. Then she sees it, his hand, streaks of blood on his palm. She holds the door open and pushes herself inside.
"Arnav, your hand is bleeding."
"What the hell do you think you are doing?" Arnav is perturbed. He didn't expect her to push her way in.
"Oh my God, Arnav your arm. How did this happen? You are diabetic. You need to fix this up. You can't let the wound be unattended." She doesn't know why she is so worried.
"I don't care Khushi. Get lost. You are the last person on earth I want to see today." His voice is a roar.
But that doesn't deter her from searching for the first aid box in an apartment she stepped into for the first time.
"Where is the first aid box Arnav?"
Arnav grabs her arms and drags her towards the door. But he is weak, she could feel it as she pushes him away and searches for the bathroom. She is perplexed at the state the bathroom is in. The life size mirror is broken and the pieces scattered all over. That explains his bleeding hand. She finds the first aid box on the bathroom shelf and hurries back to Arnav. He is sitting on the couch, breathing deeply. He is dizzy, she could tell. He hadn't taken his meds, or food. Damn it Arnav.
She sits on the floor in front of him tending to his wound. His sole is bleeding too. Probably from walking on the broken glass. She takes her time tending to the cuts. He can't do much to stop her in his state except pulling his leg and hand away from her. She continues her work with a glare or two sending his way.
She needs to find his medicine.
"Where are your medicines, Arnav?"
"Tumse matlab? Don't act like you care, for anyone at all."
"Stop it, Arnav. You need to take your medicine. Where is it?"
"I don't need to take anything. You need to mind your business. Go away. Leave me alone."
"Why are you being so difficult? I am trying to help you."
"I do not need your help. Do you understand? Bloody killers. All of you. You can't help anyone. You can only laugh at other's plight." He tries to get up but falls back on the couch when the room spins in front of his eyes.
"Careful" She extends her hand to steady him. He flings it away. His eyes have the same maniacal loathing that her nightmares are made of. For a moment, she thinks he is going to hurt her. She recoils in fear.
"Don't touch me. You disgust me. Why did you come here? Today of all days? To see how I am coping after your family killed the only family I have left? Do you remember this day Khushi? Do you? When they burned my mother alive? You were there, were you not? I can still hear her screaming for help. They held me back but you could have helped her. You didn't. You didn't. Why would you? You loved seeing her suffer unbearably. Did not you? Why? Why? Why did you not stop them? Your father? You disgust me, Khushi. Bloody murderer, all of you. Get away. Get away from me, before I turn into them. I can still see you stand there, laughing watching her..."
She can't hear anymore. Arnav's voice fades to the background as she tries relentlessly not to relive the nightmare again. She has to go find the medicine. Yes, the medicine. The voices, the voices and maniac laughter, they threaten to drown her. Arnav's medicine, he is diabetic. The smell of flesh burning, the air is toxic. She can't breathe.
"Arnav, Arnav. I will get your medicine. Where is it? Where is it?" She clutches his hand. He is not responding to her. She needs to find his medicine. Where is it? Where is it? May be in the cabinet. Yes, she should look inside the cabinet. But which medicine? She doesn't know and not knowing overwhelms her. She didn't know then, she didn't know what was happening. Now, she does not know either.
"Which one Arnav?" She holds out the packets of medicine in front of him.
"Tell me, Arnav. Which one? Which one? I don't know. I don't know." Her voice sounds strange to her own ears.
"Ama..amaryl." Arnav's voice is strained.
She tears the pill out with shaking hand and hands it over to him. She gets up and gets a bottle of water, her movements mechanical. Arnav washes the pill down and closes his eyes. Khushi can feel herself going numb. She needs to get Arnav to eat something. She needs to keep doing something. She will get something to eat. She won't give into the nightmare. Not now, not here.
She finds some juice in the fridge and makes Arnav a sandwich. Arnav seems to have gotten over the hysteria that claimed him. He sits there examining his bandaged hands and feet. She hopes he would eat without a fuss and then she can leave. Never turn back again. She had been a fool. A fool to think she deserved his support. She is may not have killed his mother, as he accused her. But she had done nothing to stop those people, some her own. She should have done something, screamed till her voice turned hoarse, to get through the haze of hatred. Instead she did the unimaginable. A girl of 8, laughed till tears ran down her cheek as she watched her favourite big friend being engulfed in the slithering flames. Her beautiful kind face distorted, her shiny long hair that Khushi loved to play with curled and turned into ashes, her fair skin mangled, Aidashisha Raizada died a death one wouldn't wish upon even their mortal enemies. And Khushi stood there laughing, amidst the maniacal slogans and the smell of burning flesh. It is that smell that is imprinted on her every fibre. It never left her alone, it came at darkest of nights to remind her what she is. She is no one, she should have been no one. She lost her identity that day. She calls herself Khushi Malik Gupta but she doesn't know who she is.
"I...You.. Khushi." Arnav is having difficulty forming a sentence. Khushi looks at him eating the sandwich she made. She doesn't know when she handed it over to him. She picks up her bag and starts towards the door.
"Jaa rahi ho?"
"I.. uh.. haa. I should go."
"I didn't mean it."
She doesn't know what to answer.
"I am okay, Khushi. Thanks." He understands her silence.
She nods. She wants to run her fingers through his hair and stop her heart from aching. She wants to say goodbye. She wants to scream till her voice gave away. She wants to run as far as possible from him.
"Will you stay for a while? I can help you with your problem."
"Huh? Oh, no. It's okay. You should rest."
"Tomorrow morning then? I will come early. Before your presentation." He wants to make sure she does not run away as far as possible. He is drowning in darkness, so is she. May be their darkness' can cancel out each other.
"O.. okay. Bye." But she knows it is a good bye. Her chest hurts. She needs to get away. She can't look at him. His eyes, oceans of despair. So she walks away, out of his door and his life. Never to return.
Fate sneers at the naivety. There is more to come, much more.
-----0000------
Hola!! This is the last OS of the series. But I will start a new series called 'Clipped Wings'. It will start from where Flightless ended. Now you know Arnav and Khushi have a past. And the accusations Arnav hurled at Khushi since the beginning has a base. Also, why uncharacteristically Arnav reveals about his mother to Khushi is because she already knew. The next series will explore their relationship and their past a bit further. Hope you will stick around. Hit the like button if you want me to ping you with updates and to let me know that you are reading.
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