Hey there, Zoya! Firstly, sorry for being this late.
In my defense, I wanted to have enough time in hand
to read your update and write down my view at once.
Because if I res, I become restless,
also I forget where I ressed. Always.
And you're already aware of it.😆
Now, coming to the updt...
It was pleasing, it was fantastic.
And yes, it brought me Sukoon. 🤗
Shayaris... the poetry. Of course, I more than liked them.
I freaking loved them! ❤️
Poetry is one of the elements of your writing that I love the most.
For some reason, good rhymes calms my soul.
Love you for writing such beautiful poetry.
And 'pappi'... haa haa... 🤣
It was damn hilarious.
Suman's whome dream bit while
Shravan was watching her pouting --
I guess puckering lips for a pappi... lol...
it made me laugh like hell. 👏😆
That was epic stuff.
I like the most about this updt is
the progress that I can see.
And yet, there is the issue of Shravan
holding back.
It is expected of him, I know.
Hurt makes us cautious.
A bad experience makes us go into self-preservation mode.
So, Shravan perspective is completely understood.
Also, Suman's redemption is true, too.
They both now need to work with every one of those walls
that separates them.
I see a climax in the future, I see some conflict.
Maybe then the friends would be able to come out of the friend zone.
I'll wait and see what you've in store for us. 😃
I'm sure that I'll love it.
***
Critic:
This is one thing I've been noticing since a while,
something where I think some improvement will make
your writing flourish even more.
Try making your paragraphs shorter.
To do this - divide group of sentences carefully.
The outcome will be : each sentence will stand out.
And if you can do this trick wisely and grasp the skill,
readers would want to go back and read each one of your sentences
multiple times, trying to find out what you did.
The thing is no one will find out. But it's a sure trick you're doing.
Let's see how...
We'll take your second paragraph.
~
Unbeknownst to her, a pair of bespectacled eyes took in her every little nuance and fell in love with her most vulnerable state. He heard incoherent syllables but the range of expressions on her face was enough to keep him glued.
He had the sudden urge to know who it was that she dreamed of. (Inciting One Liner)
Pappi? Did she say that? Or was the lack of sleep a source of hallucination. (Internal Monologue)
He didn't know but he kept on drinking in her form. She looked absolutely ethereal. Wearing an oversized t-shirt, hair loosely tied leaving a few strands to blatantly flirt with her gorgeous face.
Oh how he envied their destiny. (inciting One Liner)
How he wished that he had the same fate. (Inciting One Liner)
A wayward strand played with her lips. She seemed to be ticklish at it's doings. He softly tucked the element of his jealousy behind her ear.
Caressing her face with the back of his fingers he leaned in to take in her scent.
His mind told him of impending danger. He knew this was wrong and yet he needed this like he needed air to breathe.
~
Breaking the paragraph made certain sentences stand out. The trick holds readers' attention and makes the whole scene easier to eyes.
Inciting One Liners : that I separated, I've given them another name - the heart stopping sentence. The line, which if presented separated from all the other sentences, has the power to stop a heart for a couple moments. You go back to read that sentence again and again, loving how your heart felt while doing so.
And I've noticed since a long while that you write plenty of those sentences, the only thing needed is that you need to locate them and separately present them.
Also Internal Monologues : sentences which represent the character's internal conflict -- the ones you wrote in Italics. It would be better if you separate them too.
The aim is to make separate paragraphs for different sorts of sentences - Inciting One Liners, Internal Monologues, Details, Movements, Actions Dialogues etc.
So, that's it.
While you're already a wonderful writer, Zoya,
I can't help but want to push you up a bit more.
I apologize from the bottom of my heart if my criticism or suggestions
sprouts any hurtful feelings, negative vibes or anything.
You must know that
I don't drop around criticisms for everyone, because I've seen that
not everyone likes that.
But I've been making an exception here is because -- I love your writing and the potential you've got so much 🤗,
that I can't seem to just contain myself.
Now..., thanks for listening to my long lecture.
Bak-bak ends here. 😆
Take care,
Lots of love,
Lara.
Edited by devilaonmoon - 7 years ago
Cricket
