Alfaaz - A ShraMan FF - Now Moved to Wattpad - Page 101

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orion23 thumbnail
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Posted: 7 years ago

Originally posted by: devilaonmoon

Hey there, Zoya!

Lara 🤗
Firstly, sorry for being this late.
Arey, its all cool buddy!
In my defense, I wanted to have enough time in hand
to read your update and write down my view at once.
I understand...
Because if I res, I become restless,
Hahaha
also I forget where I ressed. Always.
That reminds me, I have a res on TMG #3
And you're already aware of it.😆
Yes!


Now, coming to the updt...


It was pleasing, it was fantastic.
And yes, it brought me Sukoon. 🤗
Yeyyy

Shayaris... the poetry. Of course, I more than liked them.
I freaking loved them! ❤️
Aww man
Poetry is one of the elements of your writing that I love the most.
Zo is goo now ❤️
For some reason, good rhymes calms my soul.
For some reason, this gives me peace!
Love you for writing such beautiful poetry.
Love you for being forever loving!

And 'pappi'... haa haa... 🤣
It was damn hilarious.
Hahaha😆

Suman's whome dream bit while
Shravan was watching her pouting --
I guess puckering lips for a pappi... lol...
You bet!
it made me laugh like hell. 👏😆
That was epic stuff.
So glad you enjoyed it

I like the most about this updt is
the progress that I can see.
You saw the progress!!!😳
And yet, there is the issue of Shravan
holding back.
YES!
It is expected of him, I know.
Wait for it 😉

Hurt makes us cautious.
A bad experience makes us go into self-preservation mode.
Oh yeah, totally!

So, Shravan perspective is completely understood.
Also, Suman's redemption is true, too.
Happiness!

They both now need to work with every one of those walls
that separates them.
Yes, they do need to...

I see a climax in the future, I see some conflict.
A distant future?
Maybe then the friends would be able to come out of the friend zone.
Yeah! Amen!
I'll wait and see what you've in store for us. 😃
Yo!
I'm sure that I'll love it.
I sure hope so😃


***



Critic:


This is one thing I've been noticing since a while,
something where I think some improvement will make
your writing flourish even more.
I love your critical opinion! It only ever helps me improve ❤️

Try making your paragraphs shorter.
To do this - divide group of sentences carefully.
Ahan...

The outcome will be : each sentence will stand out.

And if you can do this trick wisely and grasp the skill,
readers would want to go back and read each one of your sentences
multiple times, trying to find out what you did.
The thing is no one will find out. But it's a sure trick you're doing.
Okay, got that..

Let's see how...
Oh yey! With examples!

We'll take your second paragraph.


~


Unbeknownst to her, a pair of bespectacled eyes took in her every little nuance and fell in love with her most vulnerable state. He heard incoherent syllables but the range of expressions on her face was enough to keep him glued.

He had the sudden urge to know who it was that she dreamed of. (Inciting One Liner)

Pappi? Did she say that? Or was the lack of sleep a source of hallucination. (Internal Monologue)

He didn't know but he kept on drinking in her form. She looked absolutely ethereal. Wearing an oversized t-shirt, hair loosely tied leaving a few strands to blatantly flirt with her gorgeous face.

Oh how he envied their destiny. (inciting One Liner)

How he wished that he had the same fate. (Inciting One Liner)

A wayward strand played with her lips. She seemed to be ticklish at it's doings. He softly tucked the element of his jealousy behind her ear.

Caressing her face with the back of his fingers he leaned in to take in her scent.

His mind told him of impending danger. He knew this was wrong and yet he needed this like he needed air to breathe.



~
Wow, I got that, and yes, it did change the impact so much... Why didn't I know this earlier!

Breaking the paragraph made certain sentences stand out. The trick holds readers' attention and makes the whole scene easier to eyes.
You are so good at this!

Inciting One Liners : that I separated, I've given them another name - the heart stopping sentence. The line, which if presented separated from all the other sentences, has the power to stop a heart for a couple moments. You go back to read that sentence again and again, loving how your heart felt while doing so.
And I've noticed since a long while that you write plenty of those sentences, the only thing needed is that you need to locate them and separately present them.
Right...

Also Internal Monologues : sentences which represent the character's internal conflict -- the ones you wrote in Italics. It would be better if you separate them too.
Agreed, that makes sense now that you've pointed it out..

The aim is to make separate paragraphs for different sorts of sentences - Inciting One Liners, Internal Monologues, Details, Movements, Actions Dialogues etc.
Samjhi, you explain real well!

So, that's it.
While you're already a wonderful writer, Zoya,
I can't help but want to push you up a bit more.
Please always do! I love hearing what you have to say! I hold you on a pedestal so getting advice from you is

I apologize from the bottom of my heart if my criticism or suggestions
sprouts any hurtful feelings, negative vibes or anything.
Are you serious? You asked me before posting this here, I told you to put it here. Cause it won't only help me but others too, and trust me people have pinged me asking about your critical opinion cause they found it really helpful ❤️

You must know that
I don't drop around criticisms for everyone, because I've seen that
not everyone likes that.
I'm not everyone yes? 😉 Criticism is as welcome as words of praise!
But I've been making an exception here is because -- I love your writing and the potential you've got so much 🤗,
Oh my gosh! Thank you 😳
that I can't seem to just contain myself.
Around me, you don't need to!

Now..., thanks for listening to my long lecture.
Bak-bak ends here. 😆
I'm the one who should be thankful..
You took time from your busy schedule to help me, to ameliorate my works..
Not everyone does that Lara, not many care..
You do, and I'm honoured ❤️

Take care,
Lots of love,
Lara.



@Bold Thank you so much love!
I owe you 🤗
And I will try my best to work on the pointers 😳
orion23 thumbnail
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Posted: 7 years ago

Originally posted by: _Eternity_

Zoyi...🤗

Ranju 🤗
Noor and Sukoon.
Both!
marvelous updates yr. love them.❤️
Yeyyy!

Noor

kamini chachi😆 mujhe maa da ladla song yaad aa gya😆 chachi bhi na..😆
Hahahahaha that was the idea 😉

party scene.aww shra lost in sumo haye beautiful scene.
Happy you liked it!

Sukoon

sumo sleeping and shra watching her and she is asking for pappi in her dream. Is ladki ka bhi kuch nhi hona. 😆
Never 😆
shra asking u want a kiss and then faking . shra k dil k.armaan bahar aa rhe hai😆
Hahaha someday right?
but i love the scene and ShraMan..😳
Hainaaa...
that shayri zoyi kya kahu yr. amazing hai love it. ❤️
So glad bro, so glad!
amazing updates bro dil khush ho gya padh k.👍🏼
I'm happy that you are happy ❤️
loads of love and hugs.🤗

Loads of love and hugs back!

@Bold Ranju! I've missed you!
Love you jaan!
😳
orion23 thumbnail
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Posted: 7 years ago

Originally posted by: sweksha

Hey dear where are you??are you okk??long time you didn't write anything... Please update soon..tc

Hey Sweksha...
Thank you so much for checking on me🤗
I haven't been too well, recuperating slowly..
I have a sketch in my head, I just hope to find enough time to write it ..
Soon I hope..
Sorry to have kept you waiting buddy ❤️
sweksha thumbnail
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Posted: 7 years ago

Originally posted by: orion23

Hey Sweksha...
Thank you so much for checking on me🤗
I haven't been too well, recuperating slowly..
I have a sketch in my head, I just hope to find enough time to write it ..
Soon I hope..
Sorry to have kept you waiting buddy ❤️

Its okk dear😊 take your time...I'll wait take care...umm I don't know your real name...I guess zoya right??😳
Nik03 thumbnail
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Posted: 7 years ago
orion23 thumbnail
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Posted: 7 years ago
@Nik Behen itna lamba chat..
Ab yaad bhi nahi merko..
Toh ek kaam kar, 🤗 iss se sab samjh le 😆
Sid_28 thumbnail
Posted: 7 years ago
Hey there! All good at ur end?? Long time no update???
CarpeDiem_365 thumbnail
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Posted: 7 years ago

Originally posted by: Sid_28

Hey there! All good at ur end?? Long time no update???

Hey ya!
Update at thread #2
Here is the link...
Edited by CarpeDiem_ - 7 years ago
CarpeDiem_365 thumbnail
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Posted: 7 years ago
No probs! 😊
orion23 thumbnail
12th Anniversary Thumbnail Sparkler Thumbnail + 4
Posted: 7 years ago

Originally posted by: sweksha

Its okk dear😊 take your time...I'll wait take care...umm I don't know your real name...I guess zoya right??😳

Yes, I'm Zoya...
I've been mentioning it at the end of each update😆
Thanks for being patient!
😛

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