To understand me you will have to understand the essence of my being. Of who I am and what I am.
I am a high functioning sociopath.
A high functioning sociopath is one who has complete control over their actions. We are generally more dangerous than a low functioning sociopath that gets caught very easily. A high functioning sociopath, you never notice they are abnormal. The thing is, high functioning sociopaths generally have an internal code they follow almost like their morality.
I have complete control over my actions and thoughts, I can choose to act on them or not act on them.
How did I find out? Well most sociopaths are extremely intelligent, and I was gifted as well. with the dawn of computers and technology, when I noticed that I did not cry like normal kids did at a fall or when the Teletubbies went off air. It made me wonder? Why did I not get the same gushy warm feeling watching full house like my parents did. Or why did I not care about property stealing games in Kahani ghar ghar ki.
One thing was clear, I liked to win.
Be it in school. Or anywhere else. Winning was the one thing that brought out any form of emotion in me.
I was aggressive at putting my opinion forward.
Be it with my hands or verbally. But I realised quickly that verbally was far more effective than a hands-on fight.
Nothing was beyond my reach. I guess my parents protective caring nature towards me, was what did not set me off in a different form of showing my aggression.
And after a while, as a child. I learned how to fake it.
Fake feeling something. Or anything for that matter.
As a teenager, I noticed most boys my age grew interested with girls. And sure enough my body went through puberty but I felt nothing. Unlike my peers when a pretty girl walked past me in a corridor.
No excitement. Nothing.
Woman, were creatures who liked to be right. And I am sure at this point you know that I liked being right as well.
So, we did not well mix.
I remember, this one girl Miki or Niki or something in senior year of high school (I was fourteen by the way because of my high scores on my school's entrance test I was allowed to skip a few grades)
Had decided she was in love with me. Woman were like that, one smile or faked politeness and they latched on like a leech on an open wound. And if left on their own they would happily suck your life out of you as well.
She cornered me in our school janitor closet and trying to well have some sort of physical form of affection with me.
I guess my lack of gusto, made her feel that her feminine wiles were not affective. Which then lead to her asking me what was wrong with me, then I politely explained that. That it was 40 degrees out and if she had put on deodorant things would have gone differently maybe.
I was being a dick.
Her voice was so annoying, and I really just wanted to be spared the warm looks she gave me constantly.
That was the end of that. And after that I did try dating a time or two. But they were more to show my mother I was not playing for any other teams.
When I finished high school, I went straight into analysing human behaviour. That bored me, too as most of the subject matter I covered was thought over 4 years and I wanted to be already doing something.
So, I joined the police academy.
And I was the youngest rookie to have ever graduated.
I wanted to be a detective. I cared nothing for the system. I just wanted an outlet for my anger. A good outlet that would not hurt my parents.
I could be legally aggressive. This way.
Easy right.
It was.
The first 28 years of my life were the easiest years I ever lived.
I developed a pattern. I perfected faking my emotions.
Nobody knew anything.
I was just a bit of an asshole but who wasn't.
I was good looking, objectively. Any kind of faked kindness I showed always led to a woman following me around with warm eyes.
So, I tended to stay as far away as I could from them.
>>><<<
"Shaurya why have you not come home, even Diwali has passed and you have not come home My mother nagged on the phone. I just got home from work and pulled a bottle of water from my fridge.
My mother could not stand the fact I lived in an apartment near my stationed department and not with them.
"I was busy mom I told her, rubbing my eyes. I could hear that damn crying again. My new neighbours never shut that damn baby up. It always cried and cried. Constantly.
"Shaurya, please come home this weekend. You remember my friend Millie her daughter has come from America. I would love for you to meet her I really want grandchildren in this life time
"Yeah I said without really paying attention as there was a loud sound against the wall almost like a thud.
I went to the wall. The baby's screaming grew louder...
"I will call you back I said. I still had not removed my Hollister.
I put the water bottle down and went out my front door.
Probably abuse, I sighed. I should probably ignore it right, but if it got out later what would the papers say, abuse happened under the nose of infamous detective Shaurya Khanna.
I knocked on my neighbour's door. I had never really saw them as I had hardly been home.
I could hear, the sound of crying.
Not just of a baby of a woman.
"WHAT came a gruff male reply.
"Police open the door... I said banging on it.
I heard some more noises. And then the door was flung open.
A tiny girl stood in front of me. Wearing an oversized salwar kameez. She looked so thin that her bones in her cheeks stood out.
She had a huge bruise that covered her eye.
She did not look at me, her eyes were trained on the floor.
"C-can I-I help you? She stuttered out. Her large doe like brown eyes met mine. And the oddest feeling past through me. Trust me it was odd. Because I had faced situations like this before. It was weird almost like she was asking me to help her silently with her eyes. But not her mouth. Her lips trembled she was going to cry.
Her hands were covered in bruises.
I pulled her outside, holding her tiny wrist and gently as I could, and I heard a string slew of curses.
"Mehek where are you going, you bitch I will kill you. You called them didn't you. A middle aged man stood in the middle of the room, He looked intoxicated and like those evil villains you see in old movies. There was a crying baby in the middle of the room.
"Please don't let him hurt Neeve She said behind me.
I had rules for crime.
Murder, rape and abuse. I had no problem with discharging my weapon.
I was after all doing the world a favour.
So when he inched towards the child. I shot him. In the head.
Blank range.
No mistake.
And now I would have to write a fifty page report on why what when.
I heard her soft gasp behind me. She could not see anything as I blocked the door way. I turned quickly.
"I will bring the child, go outside I told her, she nodded shakily.
Time to make it look like an act of self-defence. I took out my handkerchief and picked up a knife, and placed it in his hand.
The child had stopped crying and was watching me. With wide eyes.
"Don't look at me like that.
I never really picked up an infant before so I picked it up the way you would pick a chair up and held it away.
He did not have any bruises on him. The girl probably protected him.
I walked over the body, little things caught my eye.
The apartment had no furniture. No clothing nothing...
An infant would need things. I saw a bag with what looked like baby things and picked it up, I held the kid against me to get a good grip on the bag. The girl was sitting on the floor. Her eyes were full of tears. She looked up and seeing the baby she ran forward and took him from me.
>>><<<
Her name was Mehek Sharma. Her twin sister had died, a year ago after giving birth and She had been living with them as they were the only family she had. Who was a major mental case, he had insisted on taking the child away and Mehek not been able to leave the child left with him. And then soon became a punching bag. He threatened to kick her out, and never let her see the child ever again so she stayed with him. To protect the child from the abuse.
They had given her something to eat, it was the first time she ate that day. She admitted unashamed. She had saved whatever little money she got out of Mandaar for Neeve. That explained her appearance.
I listened in while they interviewed her.
"Poor thing, she is sure lucky to have moved in next door to you Vicky a subordinate detective, said to me.
I said nothing.
I just wanted to go home. And sleep. I was tired.
But I could not I still had to give an official statement.
<<<>>>
"They moved in a few weeks ago, I think on the first of November, at the time I was involved with the white mosquito murders, so I was not really home much, so I never saw much of them. But I heard a baby crying a lot, and then last night I heard the sound of Mehek's cries. I went next door and she answered it. He was aggressive. He was holding a knife to the baby. I had to stop him from hurting him. I was aiming for his shoulder but he moved and...
Vicky raised his brow. I was an excellent shot. I half smiled. challenging him almost to protest it. But he did not. Vicky's mother had been abused for years which lead to her being mentally retarded and always doing outlandish things like stripping in public and spiking random people drinks so he knew the effect it had on a family.
He would never contest a thing I said.
<<>>>
It was early morning when I could finally leave. And I saw her sitting on the bench holding the baby to her chest.
"I thought you were going to the shelter I said to her, usually I avoided making small talk with victims. But I could not help my curiosity.
"I wanted to thank you before I left, for saving us, We owe you our lives... She said to me, her brown eyes filled with tears. She was visibly tired. Her eyes had huge blue bags under them.
She reached out and touched my hand. I usually did not like physical contact as it felt unnecessary.
But it did not bother me. The kid woke up, he was looking at me with wide brown eyes. Almost like saying I know your secret.
He reached out to try and touch me.
"He wants to say thank you too She said to me, I did not understand what she meant, she leaned towards me and the baby hugged me with a small chubby hand.
"I did not know they did that I said a little surprised.
"He is one. He does not look it... She said, looking a little ashamed.
"Mehek ji come this way... Vicky said coming out of nowhere. This was it...
Right. The end.
"I guess this is good bye She said to me.
"Bye I said.
And then I remembered reading her eyes. And the feeling I got.
"I feel bad for her after caring so much for him, because she is uneducated, welfare will probably take the kid away... Vicky told me quietly.
I never felt anything. Anything at all.
So, when I did get even a pin prick. I usually chased it. This little pin prick.
Changed my life.
She was about to leave in a white car with a social worker.
"Wait I said running down the steps she looked up at me.
"Can I speak to you alone I told her.
She followed me aside and out of an ear shot of the social worker.
"You can't go with her
"Why?
"They might take the kid away...
"No She said, her eyes widened with fear.
"You have to provide a stable environment for him
"I don't have money... or job... She said looking worried.
"Go get him, I know of a place you can go to
She nodded and I lied to the social worker, that Mehek's distant uncle had phoned in to take them in.
She did not doubt my word. I was a very convincing liar.
Mehek was carrying the child and looking up at me with all the trust in the world.
She was silent. When I took her to my car, she barely battered an eye lash. She just held Neeve close to her chest.
<<>>
I took her to my parent's house. My parents were bleeding hearts, I guess that was another reason I did what I did it made them happy. I had not been home in over 6 months.
Mehek followed me silently.
I carried the kids bag and looking at how tired she looked took the kid from her. It was quiet early in the morning. My mother, opened the door and her eyes almost fell out of her face.
"You know Shaurya I said I wanted grandchildren, but I did not mean this fast She said. She noticed Mehek behind me, and she all but pushed me out of the way.
"Oh dear She said, looking at her and the bruises. Mehek looked uncomfortable and I placed my other arm around my mother and pushed her inside.
"Go inside I told her "Lets talk
My mother went inside.
"Before you ask questions go bring dad here. I want to explain once so I don't have to explain again and again
She looked at both of us strangely but remained quiet.
"You brought me to your house Mehek said, looking shocked.
"What do you mean he brought a baby and a girl home I heard my father say, he looked at Mehek and his mouth formed an O'
"I told you Karuna he would surprise us one day
"Oh Shaurya if you wanted to get married you should have told us, Did you two elope is this the reason you never come home...
I rolled my eyes at them.
"This is Mehek, she is my neighbour, She was being abused. I got her out, I was worried child protective services would, separate her from her nephew so I brought her here. I want her to stay here
"So, should we start planning the wedding? My mother said still looking hopeful.
"No, nobody is getting married I said, she pouted like I just took candy from her or something and quickly forgot about it when Neeve made a sound. And looked at him with awe.
People loved babies. Young, old, I wondered what it was about them. As the curly chubby thing smacked my cheek for the second time. I still could not understand why people liked them so much.
"Oh, come here you gorgeous She said to him and tried to take him from me, he started to cry. And latched onto me.
"He is kind of choosey sometimes Mehek said, finally. My mother turned and looked at her and her eyes watered seeing her state.
"My poor child She said hugging her. Mehek hugged her back slowly but still a little reluctantly not all comfortable with her.
My phone rang. And I reached into my pocket it was the station. I had to go back to work.
"I have to go, You will be fine here Mehek I told her. She did not react at first but when I turned one last time, I noticed her eyes were misty.
And still latched on me.
<><><>
2 months later.
I wish I could say.
I forgot all about her and the kid completely.
But I did not.
Despite how busy work got.
My mother constantly informed me of how much she liked Mehek. And how good of a person she was.
It was like a song she practised and told me every second or third day. Which really meant marry Mehek. Make her my daughter in law. I accept her already, I am giving Neeve all the toys I saved from your childhood to give your children.
I went home for dinner every now and again.
And everything started to change. All of her bruises yellowed, and her thin face with my mothers constant feeding began to grow round.
My bedroom, that once had been well bare, was covered with toys, and books Mehek loved to read. Especially cook books, she loved cooking. I was sitting with the kid, while everyone was downstairs, she had some flyer on the table for a cooking course on it.
The kid threw a block at me, disturbing me from my snooping.
"What? I said to him, he made a little noise and I picked him up. After two months I guess I no longer held awkwardly. I had grown used to lugging him around. He kind of improved my opinion on kids. I guess it was because, when he cried constantly with others with me he remained quiet and looked at me with the strangest warm look in his eyes. Mehek appeared at the door, wearing an apron. Her long black hair was up in a pony tail and her cheeks were flushed.
"Dinner is ready She said, her well rested, unbruised face was startlingly, lovely. She looked like a porcelain doll.
She was holding a baby bottle. It was Neeve's time to eat as well.
"Let me do it I said, why did I do these things around her? I wanted her to think that I was some poor sap who liked children and her probably.
I still did not know. She handed it to me and then went over to the drawer. She placed a towel on my shoulder. Nervously, she always was kind of jittery around me.
"He might bring it up She said, I took the bottle and placed it the nipple near his mouth he greedily sucked on.
"You have to...
"Burp him don't worry, I saw you do it before I told her.
"Mehek, could you go help daddy, with his papers downstairs, he lost another one My mother said, she had insisted Mehek call her mom, and my dad, dad.
"Shaurya, you know what you are not doing anything so I am going to do something She said dramatically, She was goading me. She wanted me to react to something. I knew whatever it was going to be I was not going to like it. Not one bit.
"What are you going to do? I asked her.
"You know Ajay from down the road, he likes Mehek a lot, he asked her to go with him out for coffee today, She, rejected him but next time I am going to support him...
I felt a bubble of annoyance settle over my brow. Ajay Parmar, was that kid you grow up with, and face every day of your life, with the unending desire to strangle, he was obnoxious, loud and mind bogglingly stupid. I had half wondered sometimes, when he drove past me when I came home, how lovely it would be if he had been some kind of criminal, to shoot him blank range. And never see his idiotic smile ever again.
The baby made a soft sound, and I patted his back gently. She was mine. I saved her life. How dare he even look at her. How dare he even think about her. He was wrong for her, he would never be able to protect her. If someone showed up to hurt her, he would likely shit his pants rather than do something. Proactive that is.
Neeve was mine, both were mine.
"If I marry her I will take her to the city, you won't ever see her I said without thinking after a minute and my mothers face lit up. Like a kid at Christmas.
Being married to her was slightly appealing. Going to sleep with her face, across from mine. Finding her in my apartment when I came home from work, with Neeve on her hip...
"So, you do have feelings for her, posh my Mehek would never leave me It was nothing to write poetry about. I just liked her enough to keep her...And the baby.
"Oh, this is wonderful, how are you going to propose? She pressed on, when I remained silent. Mehek was the type to fall prone to emotional black mail. My mother was a master at it.
"I thought my chance was gone due to Ajay I pointed out dryly. More to annoy my mother than to further the conversation.
"Oh Shaurya, Mehek would never even look at another man, if you just showed her you cared Caring and well showing it was foreign to me. My mother seemed to figure that out. Mehek was loyal. She was right, she was indebted to me. If I asked her out, she would say yes. The problem was I did not want to let her know how emotionally deficit I was. Would that make her leave?
"Oh, you leave everything to me, I will ensure you two get married She said.
I still said nothing, and my mother went towards the door.
"Oh, Shaurya I am so happy. I love it when we talk like this She said and went out the door. Sometimes I thought my mother was deranged and other times, I got the feeling she knew more about me than I thought she did.
I walked down the steps, and saw Mehek sitting next to my father, talking to him about something. She fit in perfectly with them. She looked up, and quickly averted her lovely face.
She was mine. My mother's plans, or not. Neeve reached out and touched my neck, as if to remind me he was still there. Both were mine.
>><<
Mehek had put Neeve to sleep in his cradle, and turned around. I stood at the door. Waiting.
For god knows what...
She blushed immediately. And avoided eye contact.
"Here take this I said handing her a few bills. She looked at it confused, her brows cutely furrowed.
"For that cooking course I said, she did not raise her hand to take it, so I placed it on the side table.
"I cannot keep taking things like this from you it's not right She said, looking guilty. "You did so much for us, I should be paying you back
"I don't want you to pay me back The truth was, I liked looking after her. I liked seeing her smile, when I gave Neeve a new toy... at me.
"But I don't like this, you have done enough for me, I don't have a right to sponge off you like this She said her eyes on the floor.
"Are wives allowed to sponge of their husbands? I asked her, she looked at me confused.
"I don't understand?
"If a husband gave his wife money is it acceptable?
"I don't know maybe I guess, a couple are equal
"Marry me
"W-what?
"I don't want you to pity us like this, Thank you for everything but...
"Look I am not good at this kind of thing I said, looking away.
Touch her human behaviour. 101. I reached out and touched her hand awkwardly. Lifting it and placing it on my chest. Woman liked these things.
"I don't want you out of pity...I will protect you and neeve with my life, always trust me I said, she pulled her hand away. And held it behind her back. Unlike normal woman with strong perfume, and powder plastered faces. My Mehek was perfect, her hands were soft and perfect. My Mehek...My Mehek...
Well the little pin prick of emotion seemed to have facets, I was sexually attracted to her.
Just another box to tick under her list of plus points.
"Don't answer me now think about it...tell me when you are ready I told her. Walking backwards towards the door. I could have gotten her if I had claimed to love her. She would accept me instantly. But I knew it was an emotion I could not fake.
<<>>>
I walked to my car and noticed Ajay Parmar driving past. He stopped and smiled at me.
"Hello Shaurya He greeted all happily. I walked over towards him.
"I heard about that case you solved last week you are so amazing He continued.
I looked around the road. It was empty. Not a soul in sight and reached out and twisted his arm.
"I don't want you coming near my house or Mehek again, do we understand each other I said, he screamed out, and I let go of his hand, his brow had grown sweaty, and his face looked pale.
"Y-yes Shaurya
"I will charge you with a case you never even dreamed off if you even look at her...
"Mehek is my sister now I am sorry I will never look at her again He said, I let go and he drove off without a second look.
<><><>
There was an annual ball held for all officers at the end of every year. They all came dressed in suits with their wives. Usually I avoided these things, but when I got the invite, the thought of seeing Mehek in a pretty dress at my arm. Was annoyingly enticing and I sent it to my mother, and sent her money for a dress. Who would probably ensure Mehek would come with me.
<><><>
"Shaurya you never come to these things, this is the first time I ever saw you at a social event The commissioner said to me looking at me in awe. And then looking at Mehek.
"What a pretty little bird you have He said, he was lucky he was over 60 and I did not get murderous thoughts towards old people as their legs were already half in their graves.
"This place is lovely Mehek told him, filling my silence in with her soft sweet voice. She looked amazing. Her soft beautiful face glowed in her white ball gown. She looked so fresh and sweet, with her hair tumbling down her back, I kept my arm firmly around her waist.
Before he could continue I walked away.
"I hate these things I said to her plainly. I tried to pull of my tie, but her hands held mine. And she shook her head.
"You were a little rude there...Why did you want to go then? She asked me, the music started, and I guided her to the dance floor, and pulled her into my arms.
"To the commissioner? He should be happy I even came this year, I only came so that I could dance with you I told her. She stumbled a little. And held onto me for dear life.
"I cannot dance like this She said looking embarrassed as everyone began dancing.
I lifted her of the floor and her feet settled over mine.
"Just move with me I told her.
She smelled like Neeve, she probably had put him off to sleep before coming. Her hands held my shoulders, tightly. And after a minute she began to enjoy it and a small smile fell over her lips.
"Are you going to marry me? I asked her, after the sixth dance, and just listening to her talk. All of it revolved around Neeve and how fast he was growing.
"I...
"Say yes I told her, leaning in on her, she looked slightly dazed at the nearness of my face. She nodded. And I tightened my grip on her and she looked into eyes. I dug into my pocket and pulled out, my grandmothers ring. She had given me years ago for my bride. It was a gold band with an oval shaped sapphire in the middle. I pushed it into her ring finger. She looked at it with awe.
"It's beautiful"
"It was my grandmothers"
With human emotions, it made it more valuable.
<><><>
When I took her home it was well after midnight. My mother stood at the door, to receive her.
"Shaurya I need to tell you my plan you know the one we talked about the other day... she trailed off when she saw the ring on Mehek's hand. She hit me hard on my arm.
"Shaurya how could you keep me out of the loop, I thought we were going to get Mehek together
"I never agreed to anything I pointed out, and she pouted, Mehek ran upstairs shyly.
She was mine.
What else did I need. I am sure one day she would find out something was wrong with me. But before then I wanted her to become reliant on me. So reliant and trusting that day would never come.
After all there I had to make use of the human behavioural studies I took in collage.
THE END...
Bollywood
Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi 2
Mangal Lakshmi
