Silver Linings
"When I look at her now, I think, for just one second, that God doesn't hate me so much after all."
He wakes up to the sight dearest to him in the entire world.
For a moment, he does not even dare breathe afraid of disturbing or soling the pristine tranquil moment.
His daughter is cuddled up in his arms, her head pillowed on his shoulders, her arm and leg thrown casually across him and she twitches slightly in her sleep. He runs a gentle hand over her head and soothes her.
As soon as she relaxes with the movement, he has a smile on his face and tightens his hold on her. Closing his eyes he rests his chin on his daughter' head and lets out a sigh. He figures they can have a few more moments of this peace and quiet and gently kisses her forehead.
He almost succeeds in his vain attempt too; Ruhi' presence, her gentle warmth in his arms lulling him into a false pretense of their regular Sunday mornings of these past few months when the images of last night flood his mind. He remembers with a heavy heart his life has been thrown off kilter nowadays; it is not the gentle easy routine these days that he had slipped into over the past few months with Ishita. She changed so much for him in a matter of months it is hard to believe it sometimes, now on Sundays he wakes up sans any hangovers or the noise of commotion in his home. Rather his Sundays begin much like today, with Ruhi in his arms and Ishita waking them up for brunch and his crazy family enjoying a lazy day.
Sleep disappears thereafter for him but he cannot bring himself to wake his daughter up, she... she is there with him, even if she is asleep and right now that means the world to him. Her presence makes it easy for him to quiet his mind even if for a few seconds altogether. He raises her arm thrown across his chest and kisses her hand much as he did last night as his eyes well up. His little girl took care of him last night, she seemed like such a grandmother or a mother figure to him, he is almost amused enough to let out a little peel of laughter.
He recalls how she was there heating his food for him in the oven once he had walked out after changing into his night clothes, her grandmotherly way of forbidding him to eat cold food or curd and later as she fed him. She seemed so grownup the moment she said she understands everyone is angry with him. He could not give her a reply and when she made him drink the glass of water and told him, big boys do not cry he could have actually said his six year old seems like the wisest creature in the world to him.
She even read him a bedtime story last night!
He shakes his head slightly at the memory and hugs her tighter, closing his eyes for a moment or two as a smile overtakes his face and his eyes mist.
Out of nowhere flashes of the times, he has been rude to her, spurned her and hurt her come to his mind and he loosens his grip on his daughter. Looking at her innocent face the barrage of memories become stronger - all the times he has slighted his daughter remind him of what an awful father he has been towards her. He cannot understand how life came to this - a daughter who loves him so always got the rough end of the deal while a son who loathes him to no ends is the one who makes him pine for his presence.
A mole, a measly single mole reminded him of his ex whenever he looked at his daughter and he punished her unjustly for it and today it's the same daughter who has made him feel loved and wanted when he felt lonely and miserable, avoided by everyone dear and near to him.
For a moment, he wonders what would have happened to him, had he not had her? He cannot lie to himself that on days when everything around him seemed doomed post the failure of his first marriage he had wondered was bringing Ruhi in this world a wise option. How would he raise a motherless infant, a baby girl at that all by himself? The question had scared him, had Shagun died in childbirth or by any other reason he knows the task would have been just as horrendous but what had him scared more was the prospect of his daughter' future being tainted by being called the progeny of an adulterous, characterless woman. Society was mocking and making a laughing stock of him as it is back then, how would his daughter' future be, the mere thought had given him many a sleepless nights.
He focused on work to achieve his goals, the more he saw of Ruhi the more she reminded him of his failure as a husband, as a father in those days, and he ran from her.
He feels shameful to have had those thoughts now. Without Ruhi he realizes, he would have perhaps lost even the will to live let alone achieve anything, without her, there would have been no Ishita in his life.
He became a stranger in his own home, amidst his own people by his own acts over the years and in a matter of months, she who was a stranger in actuality won them over.
His daughter kept a part of his heart still beating he muses, she is the reason he stayed somewhat human and Ishita, she was slowly bringing back the joy that his life lacked, his family lacked.
She managed to turn things around not just for him and his daughter but everyone in his home. No wonder then that today she has their love and faith by her side, that he is all alone. He cannot even slight her for it. His family avoids him; his parents do not even talk to him.
Everyone is disappointed with him and he can handled it but the worst of all is his wife' reaction - the one that affects him the most amidst everyone.
She does not despise him, loathe him despite his actions; she refuses to acknowledge his presence when he is around. It kills him each time she snubs him. The woman he teased and taunted on numerous occasions by accusing her of looking for excuses to touch him didn't even take his hand when he volunteered to help her get off the elevator.
Her distance is as maddening to him as her concern is.
He knows she is the one who made Ruhi take care of him last night, understands Ishita must have taught Ruhi how to look after him. His daughter is an angel but the one whose concern overwhelmed and cocooned him, the one whose presence lingered even when she was not around was his wife.
Even when she is so hurt, she managed to take care of him. She made him feel a little less lonely, a little less miserable. His lies and deception might have made her aloof but she still made her presence felt with the words his daughter said, the way she took care of him, fed him.
His daughter had never seemed more like the woman who is his wife to him than last night and the father in him finds his heart filled with pride because of that. He recalls how he had taunted her a few days back when she had spoken of the trip for Ruhi, said he does not wish his daughter to become like her. She had pouted and asked what would be so wrong if Ruhi ends up like her and he had merely said that would be for her husband to decide. He knows better than to repeat those words now, he could not be prouder of his girl.
He hopes she grows up to be just like her Ishimaa.
He never misses an opportunity to complain about her, mock her, taunt her now he merely wishes they would exchange some words, any words at all.
He wishes to talk to her, to fight with her, to just hear her voice even if all she does is accuse him, yell at him, call him names - he just wishes she would say something to him, anything because anything is better than this silence that has stretched between them.
The gulf that has yawned across them is killing him bit by bit.
He can take anything she throws his way but her silence.
Any reaction by her other than the one she is currently giving him - this silent treatment - would be a welcome respite, would be his absolution he believes. Why can't she just put him out of his misery already? Why won't she walk up to him cuff him by the collar, demand an explanation for his behavior?
He recalls her words to Ruhi in the resort... the ones she spoke before she left and it sends panic coursing through his body.
Their relationship began on the wrong foot but the past few days, weeks between them have changed things - even for her, he knows that, he has felt that. Something has changed between them and that is what makes him miserable. This marriage was the last thing he wanted, he had negotiated with himself though he would endure it for his daughter' sake... but when that changed, he cannot put a finger on it. All he knows is this - she isn't merely the mother of his daughter anymore to him, she is his friend, his wife, his companion... slowly, this woman has become a vital part of his life, his family, him.
He misses her, he misses her like hell and he is to blame for the problems that have caused this rift between them in the first place.
A part of him has been protesting, has been at war with the very idea that he must keep things from her from the moment he learned the horrid truth of this accident and he does not know how long will he be able to fight that part. The father in him is scared shitless of what it would mean for the future of his child should the truth be out - if Adi got sent to some juvenile reform home... but the man within him who married this woman, the husband... Ishita' husband is trying to reason with the father every moment, with each breath.
Was it just a few days back that they had been so happy?
It feels like a lifetime ago, that walk they had late that night. She had been just across the door, but he had missed her. Those few minutes spent together, those words they spoke, the glances... they had worked their magic on him though, he had slept sound as a baby the moment he hit the bed after that walk. Now even though she is under the same roof as he is, she has never been this further away from him.
He misses being awoken by her - her teasing, their banter.
However, most of all he misses the smile that would grace her lips, the laughter that would light up her face. He misses the way her eyes always twinkled during those moments.
Her eyes have never been so quiet and dull, her face never as forlorn as it has been these days.
He cannot see her like this - he hates himself for being the wretched man who could hurt her so.
He hears the sound of the door opening and slams his eyes shut; somehow, even without looking up he can tell she has entered the room. When he hears the noise of the cupboard opening, he steals a glance of her. She is going over her end of the wardrobe and he sees her hand moving aside his black shirt. When her work is done, she slams the door shut and he simultaneously closes his eyes lest she realize he is awake.
Right now, being in the same room together with her means the world to him.
She keeps her clothes for the day on the sofa she sleeps on and opens the drawer to the dressing table and he catches a glint of gold and realizes it is her thaali, as she wears it his heartbeats thunder and he has an irrational urge to reach out to her and just hold her.
As she turns around, he pretends to be asleep once again and feels her climb the bed. She is waking up Ruhi for school and soon his baby is out of his arms and off the bed.
As the mother and daughter duo leave the room he watches them quietly and as soon as they are out of the room he finds the place as cold and silent as a tomb.
He does not know how or when these problems will end. He has no idea how will things get back to the way they were all he knows is he is praying for that to happen fervently with all his being.
Without Ishita and Ruhi... not just this room, but his life seems empty and meaningless to him now.
He misses the happiness that was apparent to even a stranger when they watched the three of them together.
He misses his family.
He misses the way his world had lit up in these past few months and prays for these dark days to end.
Edited by EkPaheli - 11 years ago
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