Jokes - Page 75

A child asks his mother: How was my little brother born?

She answers: First came the head, then the little hands and then the little feet.

So, the child says: And when did you put him together?

"Hamburger and fries," a man orders.

"Me too," says the ostrich sitting beside him.

"That's $9.40," the waitress says. The man reaches into his pocket and hands her the exact change.

They return the next day. Both order a steak and potato, and again the man pays with exact change.

"How do you do that?" the waitress asks.

"A genie granted me two wishes," explains the man. "My first was that I'd always have the right amount of money to pay for anything."

"Brilliant! But what's with the ostrich?"

"My second wish was for an exotic chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

When the lights in the cinema dimmed and the opening credits of the film appeared on screen, one of the viewers leaned closer to his neighbour and asked:
"Excuse me, but can you tell me what's written on the screen?"

"The opening titles…"

"I see…can you tell me the name of the producer? My eyesight isn't too good…"

"But the translator is reading them over the mike!"

"The thing is, my hearing isn't what it should be, either. By the way is the film in colour?"

"Do you suffer from Dalton's disease?"

"As a matter of fact — yes. Why do you ask?"

"I don't see why you go to the movies, under the circumstances. What pleasure can you get?"

"Pleasure's got nothing to do with it. I have to write a review!"

Having won an acquittal for a client who was accused of fraud in a distant country, the young lawyer immediately sent an SMS message to his senior partner back home saying "Justice prevailed."

Within minutes, he received a reply:
"Appeal immediately."

Good one Roja akka and Nallu 😆😆😆

A grief stricken man threw himself across a grave and cried bitterly, "My life, how senseless it is. How worthless is everything about me because you are gone. If only you hadn't died, if only fate had not been so cruel as to take you from this world, how different everything would have been."

A clergyman happened by and to soothe the man offered a prayer. Afterward he said, "I assume that person lying beneath this mound was someone of importance to you."

"It's my wife's first husband," the man moaned.

A man's business trip gets cancelled so he is at home instead, with a rather nervous wife.
They go to bed, but at about midnight the phone rings.
Before the wife can get it, the man rolls over and answers it.....

"Hello? What? How the hell should I know .... I live in Phoenix."

He slams the phone down, and rolls over grumbling.

His wife asks, somewhat nervously, "Who was it, dear?"

"I don't know," the man replied, "Some idiot.....wanted to know if the coast was clear."

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly Father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

The woman went home with Charles that evening, and three days later, she became his stepmother.

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.

A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the lady. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my husband's mule stumbled.
My husband quietly said 'That's once.'
We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again.
Once more my husband quietly said, 'That's twice.'
We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time.
My husband took a pistol from his pocket and shot him.

I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he looked at me and quietly said... 'That's once.'"

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.

The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need Cyanide?"

The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy !! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband!
That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen!
Absolutely not, you can NOT have any Cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, " Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."