Part 1
Shyam's dilemma
They say I am a sinner.Is it a sin to want to be loved?Is it a sin to love?Is it a sin to feel alive again?What is my fault if I don't feel anything anymore about my wife?Yes, I do not love my wife.I used to love her, in the initial days of our marriage.
She is from a posh background.Destiny has been very cruel to her indeed.Her parents orphaned her not by natural death.She faced humiliation.On her marriage day she was rejected by the groom, because her father was alleged to have an infamous connection with some other woman and her mother committed suicide due to her husband's infidelity.
My family owed a lot to her clan.The food I ate, the clothes I wore, the books I read, all came from the charity of them.Though they were very humble and never made me feel inferior,but it was me who always maintained a safe distance.I lost my mother in my infancy and when I joined in a business farm as an Assistant Manager, my father passed away.On his death bed, he requested me do something for the Malik family. By the way, my wife's maiden name was Anjali Malik.Randhawa was taken by them to leave behind the dark past.Arnav was only 14 when the things got messed up.
I was not present when the things happened, I was posted in Madras that time. When I returned, I saw the scene.I saw a girl with whom I played in my childhood days for a few days only.
She was devastated.I tried my best to console her and I ended up with marrying her.I know how much public humiliation I went through that time because I married a physically handicapped girl. The humiliation was not about her disability of course, but people was judging me as a greedy and characterless fellow; in their opinion I was marrying this physically handicapped and rejected girl for her wealth. They said I wanted to be rich in short span of time, that was why I married her.
Honestly, I didn't care about her property or her handicapped leg.I cared for her.She was nice to me all the time.And of course, I owed a lot to them. In our childhood days, I used to address her as Rani Sahiba as she was the actual queen of that mansion.I continued to address her as Rani Sahiba even after our marriage.
The irony is, she always remained Rani Sahiba.She never became my wife.She couldn't.When I married her, Arnav was 15.She continued to pamper her brother.She has every right to do so, they are sibling after all and it was tough for both of them to overcome the grief.I am not saying that she never fulfilled her duty as a wife, that she did.But I was not satisfied only with duty.I wanted something more, no man marries only for a dutiful wife.He wants to love her with all his heart and wants back the same love.
Much to my disgust, she declined to leave her family,she declined to come to Madras with me.Arnav needed her.I agree, but there were other people too who would take good care of him.In fact, sometimes I saw Arnav to get suffocated because of her excess attention towards him.Neither she came with me in a seperate house.Already I had enough of criticism.Gharjamai was the last thing I wanted to hear about me.Eventually I became a gharjamai.I took all criticism silently.There was gharjamai, gold-digger,spineless and what not.I was not a gold-digger, but by that time I became spineless to some extent.
For example, I left Madras, I took transfer in the Delhi Office of my company. People only listened to the half news that I left Madras.They conveniently ignored that I was a B.Com, LLB, and by the time I became the Manager of the branch office.Conveniently they forgot that I was a dignified person with a decent academic record and had a good job.
Shyam Manohar Johal, B.Com, LLB, Manager, Dastoor & Associates was overshadowed by the Son-In-Law of Randhawas, gharjamai to be precise.I digested everything only because of my wife.But as I said earlier, she was Rani Sahiba.
She acted like queen, in good sense. A queen who followed the welfare agenda. Everything was too dependent upon her.She wanted everyone to be happy, all her day she used to talk about Arnav.Arnav's health, Arnav's studies, as if he was not his brother, but her son.
That reminds me, I also wanted a son , or a daughter.I thought that what a husband could not do, a child will do that for sure. Finally she will be Mrs. Anjali Shyam Johal in true sense.After 2 years of our marriage, I expressed my intent to become a father. Arnav was 17 that time.Rani Sahiba summarily declined saying Arnav's study will be hampered as he will be attentive to her instead of his studies.
I do not blame Arnav. He said to her sister to have a child.After all there were enough people to take good care of her too.I was there.Arnav was dying to convince his sister. Thus her rigid attention had a chance to get diluted.Arnav badly needed that.
I never blamed Arnav behind Rani Sahiba's reluctance to become a mother. It was Rani Sahiba who was covering herself behind Arnav.However, I did not force her.I engaged myself in maximum work.I used to come back only to have my dinner and sleep.I thought Rani Sahiba would care this time, but it was Arnav's 12 th examination, all the night Rani Sahiba used to ask him either for tea or milk.I was a man after all, I had my needs, but when I used to see the exhausted feature of my wife,I whipped my inner elements, every time. Sometimes, I thought to have an extramarital affair, but as I say I became spineless.
I intended but could not ask for a single time, that whether she had any kind of need or not.Whether she knew what marriage actually means? What if she got married on that day with that guy who rejected her?What if, despite all the circumstances ,that fellow would have married her?Then also she would have given all her attention to her equally orphan sibling?Then also she would have declined to get pregnant?
Spineless people do not ask questions.So I did not.But, critics being critics started to say that I had no intention to have a family, I only wanted the shares of property, whenever I will chance I will leave Anjanli, that why I was not producing a child.
Nobody asked the story of Anjali's side.They never thought about the common fact that I can be a father only when my wife or somebody else will take my sperm inside her, fully knowing that she was going to get pregnant. My wife was not ready, I never thought about somebody else.And ,raping my wife to make her pregnant was never an option for me..
Arnav proved to be tactful, he managed to get schollarship for his graduation in Brenau University,Georgia in USA.With the right to vote at the age of 18, he got his freedom.I clearly understood that he will not return soon.In fact, my cousin-in-law Akash accompanied him to Georgia.Poor guy, too much controlled by my Aunt-in-law, Manorama.Arnav always helped Akash to escape from Aunt Manorama, Akash followed him religiously.Well, that was good for me, as Rani Sahiba told that she will not have to worry as Arnav ,her Chhote, was not alone in USA.
Now, Rani Sahiba tried to be Mrs. Johal. As she had no other obligations for the time being,all of a sudden I was getting her attention, love ..or whatever you name it.It's not that she never slept with me before, but suddenly I felt odd. Actually , I was set in my life and the new found attention was not charming me anymore. Because my wife and my marriage had grown old.Without discovering each other we became old to each other.I was 26, she was 24, physically very young, but we had nothing to charm each other.I wanted a girl who will become a woman eventually because of me, but mentally she became very much grown up.Only at night,I was feeling that she was 24, when I did not let her speak that much. But I used to get bored in her company at other times.
This was the actual picture of my marriage to Anjali Randhawa. Eventually people stopped gossiping as they had other things to do.It was year 2000 when I married her, Arnav went USA in 2003 and now it was 2009.I became 32, she became 30. Arnav and Akash used to come to India on occasions, in the meantime Akash joined Michigan University and Arnav entered in Harvard.I must say , I had brother-in-laws with high IQ.Anyways, after 9 years of marriage, I got 4 promotions,generous amount of performing assets, 2 houses , 1 farm house, 2 cars and a good bank balance. I took nothing from the Randhawa properties, I earned everything on my own. To be honest, I was still hoping that Anjali will agree to shift with me in a separate house.One day Akash and Arnav,both will get married and their wives will not tolerate the control of Anjali on their lives.And I was sure that by that time, Arnav and Akash had become free birds, possibly they were having their good time in US.
Let me mention, all these years I never stopped trying to get her pregnant and she was willing this time, after all she needed at least one to bring up, to pamper.But she could not, what she denied once, now she was being denied of that, biological motherhood. But I was always there for her. Doctor said both of us were alright, but still it's not happening.Gradually, I lost hope for everything.
Everyday, I thought , what was my fault?Am I paying for being too considerate?It's right, I failed to be husband many times. Being husband and being nice, is not the same for all the time.As I said, I became spineless.
Then one fine day, Arnav returned so as Akash.I got to know that they have started a company in US during their graduation days, the business was doing good and they have winded up all and came to India to reset the business. Thanks to the inflation rate of money, in a very less time Randhawa became a known name, all thanks to the foreign craze.I was happy.Why I shouldn't be? At least somebody was doing good in his life. I envy Arnav, I should have been tactful like him.
And then, everything was changed.
I still remember the day when I saw her. She was being harassed by roadside goons.I saved her and escorted her towards her home.Her name was Khushwant Grewal, in short Khushi .I could not resist myself from staring at her. Suddenly I felt that the dark clouds of my life had been invaded by warm yet sweet rays of sun.
Edited by yakkudimag - 12 years ago
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