SS: Finding My Love
Ahem's anger was beyond control as he watched the torn pieces of the photograph flutter to the floor.
Is his anger justified? Why is he angry in the first place? From where did this anger stem?
The morning had been full of hope for new beginnings. In just a matter of moments his world had turned upside down. Initially he had stared at the girl in front of him, numb with shock, with the reflection of past in their eyes. The fond memories were faded away as her servant interrupted them.
Anger had started simmering at a low boil as he had taken in the decor of the house, the mehndi on her hands and her friends reminding her that her mehndi was not yet complete. The final nail in the coffin had been the wet mehndi getting on his hand accidently. He had left as quickly as possible not knowing how he would react if he stood there for one more minute. As he walked to the car he noticed the mehndi on his fingers, he rubbed and wiped it away to remove it completely.
His mind was in turmoil with memories of the past. He knew his behavior would have confused Gopi but she had not said anything seeing him drive off in furry. Once he arrived home he was oblivious to everything and everyone. He hadn't even heard his mom call out to him. It was a wonder he had been able to use work as an excuse to stop her from inquiring further about his state of mind.
And now here he was with the torn pieces of his past at his feet. His anger was turning into a full blown rage. Loving her had brought him nothing but pain and shame. First she had caused him pain by insulting his mother, until that moment he had felt guilty for betraying her, for rejecting her, for not being able to stand up to his mother for her. Once the insulting words came out of her mouth regarding his mother all the love he felt for her and respect he had for her, had taken a back seat to his anger.
Ahem felt the room closing in on him and he felt suffocated. He took deep breaths to control his racing heart. He walked out of the room and went towards the terrace. He needed to be in an open space and breathe fresh air to control his anger.
Fifteen minutes later his anger had simmered down and he was able to go back to his room to review the files for the meetings next day. Jigar had called him to let him know not to come to the office since he and Kaka were coming home to meet one of their business associates who had called them to let him know he was coming to Modi Bhavan for some important work.
Ahem's mind once again went back to the fact that Anita was back and she is getting married. It hadn't taken her long to get over him obviously. So that is what your anger is about Ahem; the fact that she didn't mourn you long enough. Why should she have waited for you Ahem? Ahem shook his head in denial arguing back with his conscious.
I am not angry because she had obviously moved on. He felt guilty for rejecting her. At the same time, the anger is what brought back the most painful and humiliating moments for his mom and his family. Due to mom's rejection of her, her brother, Umang had almost broken his mom's pride that had almost broken her to a point of no return. Umang had not only ruined his sister's life but had stained the Modi name by doing what he did. Ahem clenched his jaw as the anger started simmering again as the old memories returned again.
Gopi walked in the room hesitantly. As she prepared Ahemji's green tea she had thought back to the way her Ahemji had behaved after coming back from exchanging the watches. What had made him angry suddenly when earlier he hadn't even been upset at her fear of the moving stairs? He had been calm and understanding. He had held her close to him as they moved up to the second floor.
She saw that he was clenching the file in his hand tightly and he was staring down at it but was really not reading what was in it. "Ahemji?" She called out his name in shaky voice. He continued to look down at the file. Gopi moved closer to the chair and called his name again, this time louder and with a steady voice. He looked up at her with confusion but she could also see that his eyes were full of rage. Gopi automatically stepped back, her whole body trembling in fear.
Ahem was startled out of his thoughts when Gopi called out his name. He looked up at her and saw her take two steps away from him. He realized he had been so lost in his own thoughts that he hadn't heard her come in the room like he usually did, he also realized he hadn't been quick enough to hide the rage in his eyes when he looked up at her. He looked down at the file in his hand when he saw her take two steps back in fear. He noticed the tea cup on the table and looked back up at her to thank her only to see that she no longer stood in front of him.
He looked around to see where she had gone but did not spot her. Ahem felt a twinge in his heart, it was the same feeling he had on the night she had stayed with her Mami and he had imagined her standing in front of him with a cup of tea. This time it was not an illusion but it was real. Gopi had been standing in front of him just few moments ago and the cup of tea was proof of this, but the fact remained that she disappeared just as the illusion of Gopi had disappeared that night.
Ahem picked up the cup and sat back in the chair. The first sip of the tea, made by Gopi, went a long way in calming his nerves and decreasing his frustration at not being able to control his temper. As he finished drinking it, he realized he needed to control his rage or else Gopi and the family will become suspicious and start asking him questions that he was not yet ready to answer.
Two hours later Meethi came to call Ahem down because their guests had arrived. Ahem put aside his work and freshened up before joining the family in the hall. Ahem was not surprised that this particular associate had asked to meet at home since he was not only a business associate but a friend of his Kaka also. Ahem took his seat beside Jigar and listened to his Kaka talk with the associate. He realized Kaka's friend was there to give an invitation card for his son, Nilesh's wedding. His Kaka congratulated his friend and handed the card to Ahem.
After few minutes his family walked the friend to the door but Ahem did not join them and stood by the sofa. He looked around for Gopi but did not see her so he decided to change clothes and get back to work in his room. He glanced down at the invitation card absently and started to put it down on the coffee table but the name of the bride caught his eyes - it read Anita. His anger returned full force and his hand automatically flung the card on the table.
Rashi turned back just in time to notice Ahem's anger and she frowned. She looked around to make sure no one was watching her then went back to studying her Ahemjiju. First the torn picture of him and Anita and now he was looking at the invitation card as if it were a snake that was about to bite him. She tried to think of a polite way to ask for the card but before she could do this, he walked off angrily. Rashi walked to the table as fast she could to see what had made him so angry about the invitation card. She saw written the groom's name, Nilesh and the bride's Anita.
Rashi thought back to this morning when Ahemjiju and Gopi came back from the mall and the way he had behaved. Then she remembered Gopi saying that the watch had been exchanged with someone and they had to get them exchanged again. Could be that Ahemjiju ran into Anita somewhere and knows she is getting married? She had to talk to her mom about this and she needs to know what Gopi knows about this also.
Ahem shut the doors of his room behind him, he took off his jacket and flung it across the chair. He paced back and forth, his hand curling into tight fists. Once again reminder of Anita's wedding is making you angry Ahem. Why? He answered his conscious automatically by muttering, "I don't know why I am angry. Whatever feelings I had for her are all gone." That is because you really haven't thought things through or you are not ready to admit the real reason for your anger, not even to yourself. Once you admit to yourself what your anger is really about things will be more clear for you and you will see your anger disappear.
Ahem couldn't take the voice in his head anymore or shut his mind down completely. He took his night clothes that Gopi had laid out for him from the bed and went into the bathroom to freshen up and change. When he came out he was feeling much calmer and in better frame of mind to tackle some pending work on the new project. As he neared the table he noticed the cup of tea beside his laptop and realized Gopi must have brought him another cup while he was changing. Ahem relaxed considerably; she always knew when he needed his tea. She took care of his needs so well that he couldn't survive even one moment without her brand of care. Ahem drank the tea and immersed himself in his work.
At dinner later that night Ahem kept quiet. His mind trying to engage him in thinking about Anita and her marriage again. He still hadn't come up with a good reason for his anger at her marriage. He was sure it was not because he still cared for her. He was so lost in his world that he did not notice the calculating looks he was getting nor did he noticed the worried expression of his wife. He quickly finished his dinner and made an excuse of work to leave the table.
Gopi was cleaning the table when she noticed Ahem pacing back and forth. His facial expression was showing he was really frustrated about something. There was only one other time she had seen him this restless and that was when Maji told him to not go to the office. Gopi was worried about her Ahemji. He hasn't been the same since he came back from exchanging the watch. He only ate half of his dinner and had hardly said a word to anyone.
Rashi also noticed Ahem's restlessness and Gopi's worry. She waited for the right moment to approach her gawar cousin. She had spoken to her mom earlier and told her what happened with family split and what Gopi said to her. She also told her mom about today's event and her mom had advised Rashi to use this new development to her advantage and show Gopi what it is like to feel the pain of someone's rejection - to show her what it is like to be unsure of her position in her husband's life.
Rashi made sure no one was around then approached Gopi in the kitchen. "Gopi did you ask Ahemjiju if he is feeling okay? He only ate half of his dinner and he looked distracted by something."
Gopi turned to her Rashiben with a frown. "No Rashiben I didn't get a chance to find out. I think he is worried about some work problem." She didn't want to show her Rashiben how worried she was for her Ahemji. She decided it best to not listen to her cousin for her own peace of mind.
Rashi did not give up when she only got a half-hearted response from Gopi. "Aacha Gopi, didn't you say the watches were switched and you had to go exchange them? Did you go back to the store to exchange them?"
Now Gopi was wondering why her cousin was so interested in the morning events. "We did go back to the store but the person who the watch got exchanged with was gone already so we got the address from the shopkeeper and went to the person's house to exchange them." Gopi turned back to her work. She didn't want maji to find them chitchatting instead of doing their work.
Rashi was ready to reveal what she knew to Gopi and put her plan in motion. "Gopi I don't know if you will believe me or not but I think I know why Ahemjiju is so distracted." Gopi knew better than to listen to her sister but when it came to her Ahemji she wanted to know so she could help him in any way she can to make things easier for him. She turned back to her Rashiben. "What do mean Rashiben?"
Rashi smirked inwardly she knew just which button to push to get her gawar cousin to listen to her. "When I was watering the plants this morning I saw something fall out of the window of your bedroom. I put it together and was shocked to see what I saw." She built Gopi's anticipation more and when she saw Gopi's curiosity increase her happiness increased. She looked around again to make sure no one was coming then pulled out the picture she had taped together. "I found this photo. It was in pieces but I taped it back up thinking it might be important but I was shocked to see the girl in the picture with Ahemjiju."
Gopi took the picture from her hand and tried to see if she recognized the girl in the photo. "I think that's Anita, Ahemjiju's ex-girlfriend." Gopi had guessed as much but it didn't occur to her to ask her cousin how she knew about Anitaji. Gopi did her best to look unaffected by the photo even though her already broken heart was breaking into million pieces again. She was distracted again when her cousin tapped her on the shoulder. "It is not only the picture Gopi; the wedding invitation that came today was for papaji's friends son, and the girl that he is marrying is Anita."
Gopi was unable to hide her surprise at hearing this but still didn't react in the way that was expected of her. "It could be a different Anita, Rashiben." She said mildly. Rashi was not happy she didn't get to see the pain on Gopi's face but decided to back off for now. She will find out more soon. She shrugged her shoulder. "Yeah you could be right and it could be nothing but a coincidence." She knew it was no coincidence but Gopi didn't see Ahemjiju's reaction to the wedding invitation so she hasn't yet realized this.
Gopi returned to her chores but her mind was churning with possibilities. Ahemji's anger when he came back after switching watches, his distraction, lost look when they returned home and the rage she saw in his eyes when she went to take him his tea. Then there is also the torn picture, why did he all of sudden decide to tear the picture of him and Anitaji and throw it away like that? Did he see Anitaji when he went to exchange the watch and found out that Anitaji was back and is now getting married? Gopi didn't know what to think anymore or how to help her Ahemji with his pain at seeing his love belong to someone else. In all this she never once thought about herself and what it means for her and Ahem's marriage.
Next morning Ahem woke up with a heavy head from lack of sleep. When he came back to the room last night hoping to talk to Gopi he had found her asleep already. He hadn't had a heart to wake her knowing her day started early and she stayed on her feet all day. He had tried to work but his mind kept getting distracted by Anita's return and Gopi sleeping only few feet away from him. He had dozed off to sleep in the early hours of the morning only to wake up with a feeling of doom and a heavy head. He looked around and saw that Gopi was already gone from the room. His clothes were laid out neatly on the bed as usual. He got up and took his clothes in the bathroom to shower and get ready for the day.
Half an hour later he came out to find Meethi placing the teacup on the table. He frowned because he was hoping to see Gopi but it was Meethi who brought the tea. Before he could ask Meethi where Gopi was, his mom called for Meethi and she left. Ahem took a sip of his green tea and knew immediately that tea was not made by Gopi. He placed his cup back down and decided to look for her himself.
Ten minutes later his frustration mounted when he couldn't locate Gopi anywhere. Ahem walked to the kitchen to ask him mom. "Mom have you seen Gopi?" He asked as soon as he walked into the kitchen. Koki looked up at him in surprise. "Ahem what is wrong? Why are you looking for Gopi vahu? You need something tell me and I will get it for you."
Ahem kept his face blank but he wanted to shout in frustration and tell his mom she couldn't get him what he wants only Gopi can bring peace. He shook his head instead. "No mom, I was looking for her to ask where she put the blue file I gave her night before last." He knew this will be enough to get his mom to tell him where Gopi had gone to. Koki came around the counter and stood in front of her son. "Ahem I haven't seen Gopi vahu, but she must be on the terrace drying clothes. I will go find her for you." Ahem stopped his mom. "No mom you finish doing what you are doing; I will go find her myself." Koki smiled at her son. "Saru, now go quickly so you are not late for office." Ahem walked out of the kitchen and went back upstairs. He saw Rashi coming towards him and decided to ask her about Gopi. "Rashi have you seen Gopi?"
Rashi stopped in her tracks. This was a good time to stir things up. "Ahemjiju, woh Gopi left." When Ahem's nostrils flared and his eyes widened Rashi got scared and changed tactics. "I mean I saw her go towards the gate earlier but before I could come down she got in a rickshaw and left." Ahem nodded and went into his room.
Rashi breathed a sigh of relief for escaping Ahem's temper. She looked around to make sure no one had heard her. Rashi had heard Gopi tell Baa and mummyji she was going to mandir and to let Kakiji know she will be back soon. She saw Ahem leave in anger and relaxed more and smirked at the fact that she had kept the two from meeting.
As Ahem drove around looking for Gopi his thoughts turned back to the night before and his conclusion as to why he had gone into rage at the thought of Anita's marriage. He finally realized his anger had to do more with his own marriage and the way he had treated Gopi in the first year of their marriage.
Ahem realized that while he had been feeling guilty and regretful at hurting Anita, she had moved on with her life; claiming to being unable to live without him. Even as he mistreated Gopi everyday and shouted her that he could never love her as he only loved Anita, she had moved on and forgot him. It was only after getting to know Gopi better and the feelings she evoked in him that he realized what love really is, what it is like to be completely be in love with another person. Gopi had taught him what real love feels like and today he realized he needed to tell Gopi how much she has come to mean to him. It no longer mattered that Anita is getting married; he had found a better life partner in Gopi. Very good Ahem you have finally realized the difference between love and infatuation.
Ahem knew that it was not going to be easy to convince Gopi that he loved her after telling her over and over that he could never love her and accept her. In the past two weeks she has been silent and withdrawn. She hadn't even told him what happened on Holi when he asked and instead ran away from him. He needed to know what she was hiding and why she looked sad all the time. He needed to know why she was avoiding being alone with him. He also needed to find a way to make her more comfortable with him and find a way to erase the fear he sees in her eyes at times. He needed to find a way to undo everything he did in the beginning of his marriage to her. He needed to find a way to make up to her for insulting and abusing her in the past.
He drove to the market but did not spot her anywhere. He drove around the local shops and bazaars she visits but did not see anyone that resembled her. Where could she have gone too?
As Ahem neared the mandir he knew he would find Gopi here. He remembered her telling him that she told Jigar whenever her mind was in turmoil she went to the mandir and talked to her kanaji. He didn't know how but he knew that Gopi had been tensed and worried lately and this is where she would come to find peace. He parked the car on the side and quickly climbed up the steps of the mandir.
He took off his shoes and went up the stairs into the mandir. He spotted her immediately and his whole body relaxed. He felt the pleasure of seeing her petite form standing in front of her kanaji, eyes closed with her hands folded together and her head bent in prayer.
Ahem stood next to her and did the same and prayed to her kanaji to give him strength and patience to make up for all the pain Ahem caused his devotee. He prayed for their happiness and for kanaji to be with Gopi always when Ahem was not around to protect her from harm. Ahem opened his eyes and turned his head. Gopi was staring at him in surprise. His mind flashed back to one other time when she had stared at him with the same curious expression on her face. It was the day she had gone to the park with Rashi in the wheelchair but came back on her own two feet with his support. She flushed and looked away just like she had on that day.
They both walked out the mandir together without saying anything. Ahem waited until they were outside before he stopped Gopi by placing his hand on her wrist. "Gopi why didn't you tell me you were coming to the mandir?"
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