MY First story

JP22 thumbnail
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Posted: 15 years ago
#1


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Shagnika thumbnail
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Posted: 15 years ago
#2
Hi Jiya di, firstly thanx for writing a story...glad that IF got another writer !!!!😃
Coming to ur story, it was GOOD👏... i mean first few scenes were very interesting...then it slowed down a bit and end was nice too.
It seems u like Kaajal a lot... Enough importance given to her.. U have just left out Sachin..so that means u hate him a bit too much😆..Dr.Sonali given a role, that too in disguise as Salunke's wife😆....Taarika's name just mentioned, not part of the case though so i loved that part!!!, Tasha- less impotance given to her...poor kid..she is senior to kaajal...😛i mean experience wise!!! Freddy was well portrayed... the wasy we ca xpect him to react...
I liked the way you portrayed Abhi-Daya frndship...Just wanted to know why u chose Abhi to give the speech instead of ACP?? I mean obviously i loved it(u know that😉)..but still, when ACP is arnd, Abhijeet doesnt do all these stuffs na? or is it bcos Abhi's loss was maximum in the entire operation( he lost his house)??
in the first scene what is the responsibily that Abhijeet is given? Arresting that man?
Overall, A well written story..just felt those DRAMA outside the man's house as the Farmer's family...was overstretched...may be its late night thats why i am feeling so😆😆
Anyways, surely looking forward to your next didi...when will u complete that?😉😃
JP22 thumbnail
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Posted: 15 years ago
#3
Thanks for your commets shagnika..
Abhii ko bhashan diya..kyoko bahut baar ACP bhashan dete hein..aur yaha Abhijeet ne jyada lost saha tha..aur usako apana ghar jalane ke baad kya laga ye express karane ko diya hein..esaliye
dusari baat Kajal ok hein..sort of aur muze disguise mein Tarika ko abhi ki wife nahi dikhani thi..(though abhi ko achha lagata..lehin hamako nahi..sorry abhijeet for this)
Ha first scene mein Pachpute..jo eak neta hein...jo bhadakane wala bhasahan dekar logo mein duriya paisda karata hein..bahut sare followers hein usake...esaliye jabhi arrest kiya jata hein usako...tab desh ke kone kone mein dange hote hein..u will find this kind of Neta in real life.
Kajal Tasha se badi lagati hein..inspector hein..to vo hi wife ho sakati thi..
And don't worry Tasha ke liye Tasha certric story mere dimag mein hein...I will write soon
ha thoda overstrech ho gaya hein lekin..es story mein kuch to back graound chahiye...aise kase story aage badhati..its my first story so ..but I will take care of that in future..thaks again.
Edited by jiya1 - 15 years ago
sunnyp1414 thumbnail
15th Anniversary Thumbnail Dazzler Thumbnail Networker 1 Thumbnail
Posted: 15 years ago
#4
Another writer. Congrats for first story. Emotional drama was more in intial part then slowly slowly followed with grip. It was Different and nice.

"News channel to es bhahati gaga mein haath dho rhaein..kabhi exper ki opinion le rahein hein to kahi sms poll..to kahi janata ki ray..sab jagah yahi khabar chhayi hein"

I think you fed up with News Channel the way they cover. Nicely written.


About story it was good but at some point I feel I was watching some film I don't know may be it happened with me only. I was lost in reading and when came back I felt like I watched some movie.


Keep writing. Looking for next story.
Edited by sunnyp1414 - 15 years ago
478337 thumbnail
Posted: 15 years ago
#5
@jiya1: Great story jiya, keep it up.

I wanted to say one thing, you have not put the customary [MEMBERS ONLY] and [NO COPY] tags in your post. This will allow others from other sites to copy your story.

So, please put [NO COPY] without spaces and [MEMBERS ONLY] without spaces in your post.

[NO Offense indented]
bhinder.thind thumbnail
15th Anniversary Thumbnail Dazzler Thumbnail
Posted: 15 years ago
#6
very nice story..different one 😉 but i did not like kajol getting so much importance...tasha could get the parts kajol did... 😕 moreover i face difficulty in reading a bit ...some spelling problem and language problem... 😕 and one question for jiya dii as Daya and vivek statred working for that gunda ..for sure it took sometime for him to believe them so for this period were they absence from C.I.D?? moreover everyone out of c.i.d was on 1 mission tarika lab main kya karegi 😕 usse moka milgya chatting krne ka 😆 😆 if you clear all this i would be glad otherwise awesome thinking 👏 👏 👏
JP22 thumbnail
15th Anniversary Thumbnail Dazzler Thumbnail Engager Level 1 Thumbnail
Posted: 15 years ago
#7

Originally posted by: bhinder.kamboj

very nice story..different one 😉 but i did not like kajol getting so much importance...tasha could get the parts kajol did... 😕 moreover i face difficulty in reading a bit ...some spelling problem and language problem... 😕 and one question for jiya dii as Daya and vivek statred working for that gunda ..for sure it took sometime for him to believe them so for this period were they absence from C.I.D?? moreover everyone out of c.i.d was on 1 mission tarika lab main kya karegi 😕 usse moka milgya chatting krne ka 😆 😆 if you clear all this i would be glad otherwise awesome thinking 👏 👏 👏

Yes ...Meine Timepass ke liye ye story likhi thi.mera chasma tut gaya hein so muze typing karnemein dikkat ho rahi thi..kuch saaf nahi dikh raha tha..tumhe esame problem aayega kyoki language Marathi..kyoko ye maharastra ke yaha ki hein esliye(likn mein bracket mein meaning diye hein) kajal ke baare mein Kajal schin jaisi nahi hein..abhi muskil se abhi-daya eaksaath deikhate hein..aur jab dikhate hein to ye sachin daya aur abhi ke bich mein hi khada rahata hein.I really hate him..ha ye 2 hours episode samjhe.. sory log hein
Aur abhi Dya aur VIvek..wo pachpute ke liye kaam karate hein..kyoki wo yaha undercover officer hein...pachpute par najar rakhe huve..
es story mein aise scene hein jo sliently mission ke baare mein batate hein
Dekho
1) Jab Paru(Kajal): jab apane pati ko dhunte dhundhte pachpute ke pass aatai hein..tab pachpute use ched chani karane lagata hein..tab vivek (sakya) vaha aata hein..aur bolata hein KI Patil aahe hein..ye vivek ki chaal hein ..agar patil es vakta nahi aate to shayd Kajal Vha Fasa jatai
2) Jab Madhav aur Shyama ka jo lasta mein hein...CID string operation kara rahi hein ..unka jo asali chehara hein wo duniye ke samane lana hein...esaliye..unake sab step pe CID ki najar hein..esaliye jab Tasha se Madhav battamiji karata hein tab Daya aata hein..ye eak high Point hein drama ka
Tasha MUze bhi Pasand hein..mere dimag mein eak usake liye alagsi stori hein,,,so Tasha ko full importance milane waala hein...
Kajal ko kyo etana importance diya ye meine shagnika ke post ke baad mein likha hein..Tarika ko Fornsic lab mein rakah..vo vaha kuch karein hum ka kya..lekin har baar abhi ke saath nahi..nahi to abhi kaam hi nahi karata hein siir Tarika ji Tarika ji karata rahata..samjhe😉
shivanirajput thumbnail
15th Anniversary Thumbnail Voyager Thumbnail + 2
Posted: 15 years ago
#8
hi i am new to this forum at least for all of u .
i have read ur story it was very good 👏 at some point of time i also felt like i m watching a movie
overall it was good but at some point it felt like stretching a bit
i have a suggestion if u want to connect anyone with abhijeet it should be tarika
it doesnt mean that i like her but i think we r now accustomed to see abhijeet falling for her
and for abhijeet and kajal 😕 😕 🥱 i cant even imagine them together
well overall great effort will wait for ur tasha centric story
JP22 thumbnail
15th Anniversary Thumbnail Dazzler Thumbnail Engager Level 1 Thumbnail
Posted: 15 years ago
#9

Originally posted by: shivanirajput

hi i am new to this forum at least for all of u .
i have read ur story it was very good 👏 at some point of time i also felt like i m watching a movie
overall it was good but at some point it felt like stretching a bit
i have a suggestion if u want to connect anyone with abhijeet it should be tarika
it doesnt mean that i like her but i think we r now accustomed to see abhijeet falling for her
and for abhijeet and kajal 😕 😕 🥱 i cant even imagine them together
well overall great effort will wait for ur tasha centric story


Thank you for reading my story...I know it's too long..but It was just for fun...may say time pass...I have already mention why I have made Kajal as Abhijeet's wife...even I also Can't imagine to watch them together ...but I don't like Tarika( no offense)
Thank you once again

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