POLL: money, money,money! -- Arpita & Sundar - Page 3

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Finances and impact on relationships -- what is your view

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Toreadff26 thumbnail
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Posted: 3 years ago
#21

Originally posted by: mango.falooda

super! so based on what you have seen, what do you think the writers need to incorporate to show us that sundar-aprita pairing could work?

First and foremost ,they should show some bonding between arpi and sundar ,that this relationship can withstand it all.

What bonded them ?

Drawing from couples from imlieland itself ,

Aryan and imlie -trauma bonding ,both showed other the mirror , both were each others strength.

Akt and imlie - imlies unwavering trust on sitamaiyya ,that this is her destiny , she should fight for it even if it destroys her in the process.

There is no bonding between them.

So i think they should let arpi and sundar grow as ckts and show them ,they are compatible.

Then asr vs sundar ,can happen

Asr concers are valid . They should let sundar grown in terms of profession.

Instead , we get imlie waking up and deciding aacha ,aaj hum sundar ko meri bil banavoongi.

MiuniS thumbnail
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Posted: 3 years ago
#22

Originally posted by: mango.falooda

thanks for sharing those stories as they highlight real world practical problems -- what I find interesting is that many of these failures with financial incompatibility are heightened when the girl is rich and the guy is not. why don't we hear more of issues where the guy is rich and the girl is not. take Imlie and Aryan -- their financial differences was not even a thought for us to discuss...


Patriarchy and Psychology plays the biggest role here. We women are termed as Daughter of, wife of, mother of but do we have anything of our own. In northeast we have meghalaya where the man comes to the women's house after marriage there we don't see any problem like this in women but in men. Meghalaya is my state's neighbor state.

But when its rule of girl leaving the family after marriage it becomes a big deal.


Society to lifestyle has affects of patriarchy, you wear a red lipstick unmarried ?( it's to get attention or seduce boys) married? (It's for husband) even a lipstick's purpose is sticked to a man. Then why not women's existence?


Women change lifestyle after marriage. Which is easier to get a smooth life? Going to a place which can afford your past lifestyle or a place where it can't?


We have studied about Maslow's hierarchy of needs( please check out in google) it's the hierarchy what a human basically wants in life and in which order. The thing in the lowest cell is food, shelter and clothes. Poor people can't afford that when that is the 1st thing one needs. And the pyramid's top contains self fulfillments needs which is achieved by the rich people easily.

So when a poor girl moves a rich house( yeah after marriage they are ought to move in majority in India) she attains this pyramid. That makes her life easier but when a rich girl moves to poor family the pyramid reverses. She is at the last cell of the pyramid that is attainment of food, clothes and shelter


It's all about psychology. The pyramid is the part of this subject.


I forgot to add that in Meghalaya men face this for Matriarchy set up where women suffer for patriarchy.

Edited by MiuniS - 3 years ago
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Posted: 3 years ago
#23

Originally posted by: mango.falooda

I find it interesting that many see Sundar's lack of ambition as a problem rather than finances. after all, there are many house husbands who are perfectly happy not to be doing much except look after the house.

so here is a question for all -- if someone is content with their lot in life, is that such a bad thing? do they need to be super ambitious? how do we differentiate between ambition, contentment and laziness?


You can be content with your lot on life. But then you don't have the right to drag someone else down so they stay in the pits with you.


Sunder is happy being a servant and sleeping in the kitchen.. Great for him.

But then don't ruin the life of a perfectly wonderful woman by pushing her into needless ki roz ki taqleef. She has been through enough.

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Posted: 3 years ago
#24

And again, my issue is not money... The guy is not even educated. Matlab padha likha ladka - ladki toh aajkal har koi chahta hai irrespective of class.


I'm shocked that imlie doesn't think for a second before her love jaap... Esp since she can't see this huge grizzly bear who is nothing but a bundle of love in front of her

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Posted: 3 years ago
#25

Financial compatibility is a must, else I have seen cases where the guy or the girl feel like they are in a happy and well off life than their immediate family like parents or sisters/brothers. Many a times I see that they work towards the upbringing of the whole family and there is nothing left for the current couple in terms of either finance or joy or relationships..they are so focussed on making money and saving for the larger good..

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Posted: 3 years ago
#26

Originally posted by: bips

And again, my issue is not money... The guy is not even educated. Matlab padha likha ladka - ladki toh aajkal har koi chahta hai irrespective of class.


I'm shocked that imlie doesn't think for a second before her love jaap... Esp since she can't see this huge grizzly bear who is nothing but a bundle of love in front of her


With time many think they arent worth the girl and this creates major misunderstandings..decent level of education is a must from both side. My bigger annoyance with Imlie is she thinks Arpita loves Sundar, why cant she think of tum dono dost ho, do you want to explore other options..that would have been a better word placement (I am not liking that either)..still.

nehaahmad thumbnail
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Posted: 3 years ago
#27

Nice topic!
Yaar financial stability is a reality and it actually practically does matter. but here is the deal.

What are your values and what are your partners values.
If your marriage is based on understanding and empathy and if your partner is just as vested in your success as he is in his own success.
My husband is that kind. Extremely secure man. He put me through grad school and believes in me more anyone in the world. I have an imposter syndrome and he thinks I underestimate myself. The man sacrificed his career and stayed at one job for 8 years so that I could work at a place that I wanted to work at and he could provide stability to our kids. He made more than I did at that time. Didn’t complain or throw it in my face. When I started making more than him he was very gracious and honestly it didn’t change the dynamic but there were a couple of moments where I felt that it bothered him but otherwise for at least the next 4 years he didn’t let it on at all. But Now that he makes more than me, I see a renewed confidence in him. Not that he was insecure before but it’s different. The dynamic and relationship hasn’t changed still. My next jump will throw us off again perhaps not. Time will tell.

This is just one example. It’s how you handle these situations in a marriage.
I will tell you though I wouldn’t have married my husband if he wasn’t financially stable. Unfortunate but true. I want to be able to say that if I had fallen In love with him first and he was a pauper I wouldn’t be materialistic enough to marry him and I would be lying. That was important to me. I also want to say that if I had a whirlwind romance with someone than I would forgo this and I would be lying again because I did and he was studying to be a dentist. So subconsciously I chose stability even when I fell in love with someone. For some it might not be important. It might be secondary, it just depends on your circumstances.

my father was an extremely insecure man and resented my moms growth and income. And that held her back. that’s another example.


Coming to sundar and arpita. No match. Unless he shows some potential and ability to take care of her. Not somebody who is just freaking happy in his current state with no drive to move forward. I am not putting down the work that he currently does at all and nor is aryan. Love is great unless you can’t feed her.

Btw the ghonchu they brought in for arpita is a horrible caricature so I guess they are heading towards sundar arpita and to be honest love can save all is nice to hear hard to implement.

Edited by nehaahmad - 3 years ago
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Posted: 3 years ago
#28

Originally posted by: bips

And again, my issue is not money... The guy is not even educated. Matlab padha likha ladka - ladki toh aajkal har koi chahta hai irrespective of class.


I'm shocked that imlie doesn't think for a second before her love jaap... Esp since she can't see this huge grizzly bear who is nothing but a bundle of love in front of her

to be honest, his lack of education is less of an issue compared to money. after all, it is not like we need educational compatibiilty in order to have a conversation or connection. just take imlie and aryan for example. it is why she does not think these differences are important.

the thing is we haven't seen sundar and arpita truly connect or have a conversation besides a casual hello hello. thats why it looks more odd...

Param-Sundari thumbnail
Posted: 3 years ago
#29

Originally posted by: bips

And again, my issue is not money... The guy is not even educated. Matlab padha likha ladka - ladki toh aajkal har koi chahta hai irrespective of class.


I'm shocked that imlie doesn't think for a second before her love jaap... Esp since she can't see this huge grizzly bear who is nothing but a bundle of love in front of her


Nothing just imlu being her hypocritical self 🤷 😂

nehaahmad thumbnail
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Posted: 3 years ago
#30

Originally posted by: mango.falooda

according to research, financials are a leading cause of divorce all over the world. it is just that people aren't aware of it because it gets caught in other emotions. let me give you an example. say you come from a family that loves to spend on food. so it is normal for you to eat out at least once a week. now, your rishtha is very conservative spenders and do not eat out, maybe a few times a year. so what happens with such a couple? one would get termed as "kanjoos" while the other would be termed as "extravanagant / careless" etc -- now they may be both in the same income bracket but they have different attitudes on how they would like to save and spend money. so eventually such differences can lead to personal attacks and can fester and then lead to more gaps etc etc etc....

anyway my point is that we can't even ask such normal questions like:

1. Would you rather invest in a house, or invest in experiences, like traveling?

2. How do you like to spend your extra cash from your salary?

3. Would you help your siblings financially if they needed it?

4. How much do you want to save for an emergency?

5. Do you save money at the beginning or the end of the month?

6. Do you like paying for things with cash or credit?

7. How are you managing your credit card?

8. Would you accept money from parents as help after we get married?

9. Do your parents pay for any of your current bills?

10. Who will be in charge of paying the bills?

11. Who will be in charge of investing in our future?

12. How much are we willing to spend on our parents if they get sick?

All of the above questions are suggestions from premarital financial couseling perspective. funnily enough, the bank is more likely to be asking how you are saving and spending rather than any rishtha. ... so is it any wonder that people are already writing off Sundar & Arpita as a hopeless pairing? even with similar financial status, we can't have such conversations...

We did have some of these conversations before I got married to my husband. He is kanjoos and I am the spender. That’s how I release stress. So I laughed out loud when I read this. 😘 I got married about 18 years ago and was engaged for almost 2 years before then. I was 21 then. and the engagement happened once we both understood each other’s priorities and this was a major part of the conversation as i had every intention of supporting my family post marriage and he needed to know what he was walking into.
it happens. Not always. It would be remiss to not say that where you live also matters. If I was still in Pakistan I am not sure it would have penned out like this. We were both settled in the US and perhaps that made all the difference.

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