I'm Dying - SuVan Story (Chap19(NEW) On page15) - Page 4

Speechless yaar

It's just so amazing

Thank you so much yaar

Hey I have been a silent reader of your stories on Suvan and I must say they are absolutely brilliant. I am honestly amazed at how well you write. I can literally feel the emotions throughout the story. 😳

Originally posted by: tinamalHOTra96

Hey I have been a silent reader of your stories on Suvan and I must say they are absolutely brilliant. I am honestly amazed at how well you write. I can literally feel the emotions throughout the story. 😳

I'm speechless man

Loved it

Beautiful update. So he got the key & started to read her diary.

Originally posted by: Prizi

I'm speechless man

Loved it

Thank you !

Chapter 10

As the sun rays pranced over her skin, Suman fought the urge to keep her eyes shut. It was a rare occasion for her. To keep in rest even when the sun was up. So, as startled as she could be, paranoid indeed, she shoots herself out of the comforter. 'Bless us!' she mumbles, stuttering over her slippers and sprinting to switch on the water geyser. Seeing the intensity of the light she knows that she has run past 7:30. Not bad she thinks. But not good either, when she sees the clock tell that it's nearly 8. When she finished checking on her uniform, Suman squints her attention towards her study table. 'Fine, isn't it?' she rhetorically questions herself. It looked empty and kinda weird, but Suman had almost no moment to ponder over her discovery. She sprints towards the bathroom without noticing that her diary is absent. The razor and the diary key as well. Anyways.

After a quick bath and stuffing herself in her uniform, she barely has the time to make a bun. So with hair dangling casually, she marches towards the dining hall. Seeing Suman come in a fuss, Damru, their house help, has already got the shock of his life- an unready Suman Tiwari.

Sign one
Deviation from the normal routine.

Shravan was all stiff in his chair sprawling over his breakfast with a clenched jaw. Veer was mostly, enjoying his newly found freedom after good bedrest of 5 days. Beena hardly noticed Suman's changed routines and habits. She was late on breakfast today. She barely kept a tab of things. She was bored to have dinner almost every other night. Why wasn't anybody noticing that? pressed Shravan to his own brain. Mostly, you hadn't noticed it as well. Till last night. When everything changed with the 'Dear Diary'. Shravan ghosted a smile on his face. It will be helpful for all.

'I had enough.' Suman huffed, eating two eggs instead of 3, skipping her toast, and getting two extra shots of coffee.
'You are going to be too lean.' Beena pestered, pointing at the wrong thing. She will disappear. Shravan made a mental note. If we don't care enough. And why the hell nobody is asking her the reason for taking hell loads of coffee, like three shots, seriously?

'Where is Kanchan?' Suman dismissed her Aunt's advice.
'She is getting married.' Beena flashed a smile. This time, not only Suman but Shravan too cringed.

'I get that.' Suman mumbled half sarcastic and half baffled. She was an alien in the house, even more, than Shravan was, though, he was just a paying guest.

---------

Suman made her bun, hurriedly went for her car keys. In the parking, she saw Shravan standing by her car. He was checking his phone and was holding a packet- a brown one. Suman cleared her throat.
'Any problem Captain?'

'Yes, and you can solve that.' Shravan turned around with an instant answer.

'For all this while' Suman took off her glasses 'you were stuck.' she huffed on his excuse.

'Drop me.' he pointed towards his car. 'I, actually..' Shravan scratched his head.

'Your car has gone for repair. No problem. Sit.' Suman sat and pointed Shravan to do the same.

Shravan clutched the brown paper tightly in his hands. He planned to meet Ravi Gujral that day after his attendance in the Cantt. Ravi Gujral was his and Bunty's mutual friend, a psychiatrist. Even before Shravan had read Suman's diary, he was confident that he would have to meet Gujral. He wasn't a psychology major, but reading Suman wasn't a hurricane task.

She wasn't eating properly. She was drowsy almost all the time. She skipped her routines almost every day that pointed out a clear deviation from her natural behavior. Plus, she was crying a lot. A lot means, a lot- even if he wasn't able to catch her that way, he knew it from her red and glassy eyes, puffy eyes, that it was the cause. And, the elephant in the room- was her cutting her own skin.

With the diary, he only validated his observations and fears. She had written extensively how much she felt relaxed and satisfied after cutting herself up. She looked forward to that part of the day, and she wasn't ready to share this secret. She was paranoid about getting caught, most probably with the people she worked with. The army was her dream, and her thoughts were a clear barrier in her working in the defense forces. The Army, of any country, can't keep people, who- who just want to stop feeling the motions of normal life or you know, Shravan can't use that word.

'Thinking something?' Suman questioned. Shravan was quiet and sincere, and Suman partially knew why, or she just guessed. He wanted her to think otherwise of the previous night. But she won't be carried away this time. Their distance and aloofness are for real, and this isn't some sitcom going on. Destiny was a joke to her, never on her side.

'I want you to forget about tomorrow. Not the moral but the actions.' Suman stated, obviously.

'Thank you, Captain. But that's my tea to decide.' Shravan still had his glasses on. It was good for pulling out a pretense.

'No. You don't understand Shravan. Just pass it over. I know you might have felt thrown away, but just accept it- that's me now. I am no more somebody you knew, so let's cut the slack and make it real. I and you are going to get nothing with the 'Talking' part. It crashes. It's, it's a nightmare...' Suman held the steering tight in her grip, trying to explain to Shravan that she wasn't really interested in intimidating him.

'Nightmare?' Shravan chuckled a bit. 'I don't know about the 'talking' part which crashes. Because for me, it has always bought something new up.' Shravan held his gaze at Suman as she concentrated on the road ahead.

Suman felt Shravan's gaze on her like hot lava. It spells on her neck and then on her arms, a burning feeling in her chest. With one snap towards him, she knew that he was going to continue his staring part, till she particularly tells him not to. And, for some reason, she won't tell Shravan to look away.

'Meaning?' Suman was agitated and, and what? She didn't know. She had to write all this down in her diary, and then maybe cut herself.

'Meaning that- A) I won't pass it over. I will keep yesterday's conversation with me. Close. Because that reminds me of my purpose.' Shravan paused deliberately, chuckling at himself in the faintest sound and even earning a nod from Suman. She had no idea what he meant. 'B) No, you were never my nightmare, you can't be.' he fell quite with that statement, and continued looking at her till she gazed back.

Suman wanted him to keep talking. 'She wasn't his nightmare.' okay. Then what? But she had no guts to ask for more. Why? Because she has to behave indifferently to his thoughts. But him saying all that did sprawl a flower in her chest. She felt light and maybe, she was terrified with the light pink blush creeping on her cheeks. Could he see that? she thought.

With Shravan, her mind and thoughts were a tornado. In one whip- it felt like a trigger to her trauma and in the other whip, it was calm, sweet, and peaceful. She had yearned for his company in the initial days of their separation. She had tried so hard, that it had become her second nature to look for signs of his return. Salt or sugar spilled in a pattern, brooms fallen in different directions, spilled water making different figures, tiles in the bathroom making absurd images- she looked for him like crazy. She could have cut her right arm to hear one word from him, but he was nowhere.

'You are my dream, a sweet dream.' Shravan said in an inaudible mumble, as he sat tight in his seat, seeing a lost Suman. He knew she was lost, that she might not have seen him smile at her, but he was dedicated to bringing her back.
----------------

Next part- Suman to know about her lost diary, now Shravan, now what?

wow, the buildup was good dear...suman was unobtrusive to his words, expressions yet she felt satisfaction but was in dilemma...waiting to see if she finds that shravan has her diary

Chapter 11

Suman searched and searched and searched. It was nowhere. The cabinets, drawers, and lockers. Beneath the bed, among the vases even if she knew that it was always kept on the study table. It was locked and nobody ever asked her for it. Nobody ever stole it. It wasn't as if they were offering her privacy deliberately but they weren't just interested. What if they come to know something too dangerous for their happiness? secrets need to be secrets.

Her diary was missing.
And the key.
And the razor.

So, somebody not only stole her diary but also knew her secret. The secret that she cut herself. The scars which she hid so well that "somebody" has already traced.

When nobody ever in that house cared, what happened now?
Because there was someone who wasn't just a nobody.
And she knew, he would go to any lengths when it came to her.
She felt sick in her stomach.
Shravan!

-----------

Shravan has had his meeting with Gujral. It was not an elaborate one, but Gujral was serious after reading a few pages. The new ones rather.

'There is a constant progression in her behaviour. Before cutting herself, she had rubbed herself to bruises. She found herself happy with her induced pain.' Gujral had explained to Shravan.

'Happy? But pain can be killed.......' Shravan squinted his eyes, but before he could question, Gujral continued.

' Physical pain can be killed by painkillers. A headache, stomachache- all of that. But when it comes to mental trauma and loneliness- it's incurable. So, Suman Tiwari, induced a physical pain of a different kind to drift away from her subconsciousness. She focussed her brain to think of the bruises and scars caused by the razor cuts, rather than...' Gujral flipped through the pages 'her past trauma.'

Shravan found himself nodding. There was no way he could cure Suman without her own presence in this scenario. 'Nothing I can do, to help her...?' Shravan pleaded.

'You can.' Gujral flashed a sad smile. 'Bring her to me. Come along.'
----

Shravan pressed his lips together and splashed some water across his face. It won't take long enough for Suman to figure out that he had stolen her diary and known her secret. He looked at his face, depressed and dull. Suman's diary had a mountain influence on him. Her monster intensity of emotions and the triggers of her trauma were unbelievable. It was so, so silly sometimes. He had tried asking for any diagnosis, but Dr Gujral had been adamant to meet the patient.

BANG! BANG!

What he heard wasn't a knock. Somebody was ready to trash his door into pieces.

'Oh god, send me to a battle instead.' Shravan mumbled and gulped harder. Suman Tiwari stood outside in her wrath.

Shravan opened the door with swiftness, between two loud knocks. Suman stood, almost on the verge of an outburst. Good or bad nobody knew.

It's good to get hurt by somebody you love. Suman flashed a tight grin, trying miserably to hide her fears and hurt. 'Can I come in?' She asked, quietly closing the door at her back even if she knew that nobody was at home but her and Shravan.

Shravan nodded his head.

'Where's my diary?' Suman kept her palms on her hips, trying to be extremely nonchalant. She fidgeted at her place, trying to see things through a butter paper.

Shravan looked at her but anything. His mind raced to tell her a few things, to make her realise that they were in this together.

'I asked!' Suman went to his cupboard and grabbed the handle 'Where is my DIARY!!' She pulled open the cupboard door. Things came rolling down, but not something she was looking for. 'Where's my diary!' she hummed like a rhyme bending down to pick up the fallen things. Her hands shivered and Shravan could see it all, she was falling out of place. Shravan too bent down and picked a few things and then saw tears streaming down her cheeks. She was crying, hard and passionately.

'Suman...' Shravan wanted to say so much, but looking at her waned face the words died straight on his lips.

'Take anything. Give it back to me. You don't know..' She ran her palms on her nose and then on her mouth. 'Listen.' she said trying to catch her racing heart.

'I....I...I am, I am!' Shravan stuttered at his place.

'I am in the army.' She waved her hands in the air. 'You understand that?' she was paranoid.

Shravan understood her trail of thoughts in seconds. He knew what she was thinking. 'No, No Suman! I am not going to do...'

'No, I am in the Army, and I need to be there. Papa! he is watching. Everyone is. I can't be thrown out.' Suman cried. She pulled her sleeve and pushed it down her running nose. She pressed her lips so hard that Shravan could see blood raise through them

'We, we are in this together. Suman, listen to me, I know your problem...' Shravan tried his best to calm her down.

'No, no, we were never in this together.' she clasped her forehead, which felt rolling in somersaults.

Shravan held a sob in his own throat. Her words were like daggers. He knew, that he left her alone. For the first time he could feel his skin expose his fears, it burned. He had done something he hadn't imagined in dreams, for which he could have cut his right arm. He had deserted Suman!

'You don't understand. I need to be here, fighting against you. I need to make it for Papa. And, don't take me wrong, I will ruin you. Nobody, nobody I have loved is here. They all are gone.' Suman explained as shivers ran down her spine. 'Give me my Diary.' she again, stated her plea.

'Love' Shravan cupped her face. Now, he won't hold back.

'I am not your love.' Suman shook her head in negative. 'That's not how it is supposed to be.' she let out a small sob, in her meekest voice.

'I am not going to tell anybody. You will be Captain Suman Tiwari and then major, colonel and brigadier, for god's sake! You need to be there, or how will I survive?' Shravan felt his eyes well up. He looked at her apple face, reddened and rashed with the motions of crying.

Suman looked into his eyes. He looked so innocent and gullible. It made her feel stabbed. What the hell was she doing? She could say once and he might kiss her, embrace her and take her along. But not her dirtiness, not her filthy self- she won't let him do that. 'You don't understand.' Suman said, acting firmly.

'I do.' Shravan tightened his grip over her face, trying his best not to hurt her. 'I have loved you. And I still love you! I don't know what to do with anything but you. You know how it is like to think of yourself and find a certain someone standing with you in that frame always. That certain someone was you, it is you!' Shravan let his tears fall freely.'I couldn't imagine being without you. I have realised this and now it won't change. you can slap me, throw me out but now I know to come back always.'

Come back to me, how much ever I push you back. Because you know how silly it gets to be with me, sometimes? Suman had asked for a promise.
Set done and sealed! Shravan had lightly punched her in the shoulder.

Suman looked at his dull face, coupled with tears. She moved her fingers across the traces of his tear-stricken face. It felt nice to feel his face, his skin under her touch.

'You don't have to go alone.' Shravan shook his head.

'I am not alone. I am ghosted Shravan.' Suman gave a horrid smile. 'You don't need to burden yourself.' Suman again smiled. But Shravan's gut felt a twist- it wasn't good. 'I'll take back the case.' Suman nodded. She was hysterical, she was mad. Yes, she was. 'You'll be free.' she laughed.

'I am not leaving you alone. I know what you think of doing to yourself.' Shravan raised his voice for the first time.

Something snapped inside Suman. 'Give me my diary.' she returned to her hum. She looked in all directions, but his face, even if her face was cupped in his.

Shravan felt his gooseflesh raise. This wasn't the Suman he knew. She was so, so different. What made her Suman was gone! No glee in the eyes, no sparkles and no swiftness. Nothing to enjoy life on. What the hell!

'Listen.' he said, his voice becoming rocks in the base of his stomach. 'I won't let you harm yourself, before that you will need to kill me.'

Suman felt her eyes go nuts. How did he know?
But then, how could he not? He had the diary. 'You read it all.' Suman felt her inners churn. Her eyes stared at the floor.

'I did. And now we need a solution.' Shravan went about his plan. 'But before that, I need you to know I love you.' Shravan whispered, for her to listen and contemplate.

For the first time, it felt, that she has heard something. Heard something worth million dollars. Or priceless. She looked up at his tear stricken face. He was shivering too, and they matched. 'I want to help!' he pleaded and she couldn't help but relax for the first time.

'I want you to help. I want you to take me back, to the time, when we were happy.' Suman gave out a cry. This time, she smiled and Shravan felt the most wonderful feeling running down his veins.

'I will! I will!' Shravan crushed her in a hug. She felt Shravan's heartbeat like crazy under her ear. It felt so nice to hear somebody else's heart race for you. It felt special.

'Special.' she whispered and Shravan couldn't help but smile.

Now, it all made sense. Without any irony.





----How was that?----

Wow its beautiful. You are a wonderful writer. Waiting eagerly for the next update.