I'm Dying - SuVan Story (Chap19(NEW) On page15)

Summary:

Suman is ghosted. She is scared and confused, and finally is looking for a cliff to jump off. She doesn't know what shall be served when she reaches the ground but knows at least her agony shall be over. It's nice to feel that for once she won't feel anything. Shravan is oblivious. He goes around his normal routine, as much as living in the same house as hers as a tenant. He is bitter about their past, on the allegations she had put across on his father. Will he be able to see beyond the sourness of their relation, her self-hatred, and self-destruction? PS- I don't own the edkv2, it's just fanfiction.

Chapter-1

Sometimes when you look at the clear sky, you don't feel happy. It's like a tearing feeling as if it's gonna consume you and you would vanish.

Suman sat in her chamber thinking if you really need to be invisible to not be noticed. People can still smile at you and not know what's bugging you, that you are unhappy. People can walk over and still be so self-obsessed that they don't stop you from jumping off the cliff. She immediately rolled her head, rubbed her temples, and felt irked that she was having this fluid feeling of relief whenever she thought of jumping off. Nobody knew from where. She was dismissive of such behavior but what can one do, when the only solace in the world is to think about how it can stop spinning around you?

Her breathing increased as she thought of the possible consequences her vague but somber ideas could bring in her job. She can be fired, honestly. In the Army, you are committed to living for the country. Getting martyred is different and murdering yourself in your thoughts sitting in your chamber as an Army Doctor is freaky and bizarre.

She heard a commotion at the door, saw her nurse Garima entering with her usual fuss. There was some old man walking at a slow pace with clutches. She squinted her eyes at him, that how willing he was to get fine and healthy, his face red and fleshy- his determination to walk again plated over his face. Garima paged a file at her face, going through the details of his accident 3 weeks ago, she could see the man smiling at her- making her weak in the stomach.
Pardon me! she mumbled instantly, as if- just for a minute, she didn't want the world to stop spinning.

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'So you think it shall be fine?' Shravan gripped the receiver tightly. He could hear his lawyer sigh, talking about the fact that if the matter kept on stretching like that and if the media refreshed their memory of Devraj as a criminal, it shall prove fatal to their case. He talked about how media trial was like a shadow- unreal, hollow but visible. That it can follow them in the seams of the court, and if a jury sits- it can make their chances of -not guilty- less.

Shravan had deduced that Suman would fight the case on his father's negligence. It would be about morality and ethics and whatnot, but he can't give in. He can't let the news channels have their fodder of TRP, to again trouble his fragile family.

Suman Tiwari will take her case back. By hook or by crook.

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'Captain Tiwari!' Shravan called out, standing on the threshold of his rented room. He wore his vest and put his muscles to show. He sometimes thought if he would lose a piece of his mind to Suman just like he had lost all of his heart to her 7 years ago.

'Yes, Captain Malhotra!' She stiffened and barely wanted to stand anymore. It felt like her inners were dissolving whenever he talked to her as if he was going to steal the credibility of her existence.

'Can you make a schedule of your filthy plans?' Shravan was nonchalant with his language as if he was asking her for a dinner date. 'When do you plan to kill my father?' his eyes oozed lava of agony and bewilderment on how Suman had changed for the worst.

Suman could feel herself biting the dermis of her cheeks. She wanted to cut her tongue and throw it away and maybe she wanted to apologize, just like she had wished several times. Her eyes were boring his gaze. Even if he emitted pure hatred and his hands clenched in fists of loathe towards her, she wanted to consume him. And then something snapped inside her, which broke her, made her feel hollow. 'Your words are venom. Save them from getting manifested.' She turned around on her heels, trying to feel her skin but failing miserably. She could hear Shravan mumble something under his breath and then shut the door with a bang.

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Suman turned on the shower. But she wasn't getting wet. It was a delusion. She knew that. Water can't wash her dirt, that she has grown and accumulated over the years. One night, and she didn't remember how long ago, she had rubbed herself till she could see blood raise till her skin. The water drenching her skin had turned light red, and she still could feel the heaviness of her chest, the hotness of her tears against her shivering and wet body. That day, when she had gone to the bed, she could no more hear the words of her father's letter which she had burned a lifetime ago. Even if the ink and paper had vanished she couldn't forget what a miserable disappointment she had caused her father. That how she had turned her mother's despair and death more painful. She could just feel the pain that erupted from her body, beating like a heartbeat, like a rhythm. Blood- always made her feel better. Red was her favorite color and his too.

As she took the razor in her hand, her hair dripping of the illusion of bathing and cleaning, she thought of the filthy plans she had made, according to Shravan. He thinks that she is going to kill his father. How silly of him to think it that way! If he knew that she was still trying to save herself, by cutting her skin little by little.

Suman made a small cut on her lower leg. She saw blood raise to her skin as it went red and then scarlet, and then she let it drip- drop by drop, till she felt the stinging pain of Shravan's voice, when he told how much he hated her.
'But, I love you Shravan' she fisted her mouth with her hands, trying hard to mumble and not scream. Suddenly she could hear the unlocking of Shravan's SUV, it was different, a jingle she had preserved in her heart. He raced the car but didn't leave the break, it created a drum in the Tiwari house, as he wanted Suman to see where he was going.

Suman tightened her bathrobe, and spilled the razor in the nearest drawer in a hurry, and saw if any of her cuts were visible. Checking it again, she sprinted towards her balcony and looked down to see Shravan look at her back again. 'I don't have time.' he barked, lowering his window.

For a moment, it felt she was dreaming. Like, was he really calling her for a drive?
If he would ever notice, she wasn't angry at his practically insolent behavior.

'Veer's gonna get sick. Period.' He again announced and just then Suman remembered that her 7-year-old cousin needed medicines and Shravan had been talking about that all along.

'Coming.' she felt her mouth say. Nowadays, she barely remembers who she is.
She wonders if he can notice this too.
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As Suman walked towards the car, wearing a long shrug in the context of early Bhopal winter, Shravan couldn't help but notice that she had worn off considerably. There was a loss of everything, from her smile to her glow, and maybe, her liveliness. Suman opened the door to the car and seated herself, and said a 'Hi!'

Shravan felt his eyes plopping, as he looked at her, trying hard to smile as if they were going on some date. Her eyes were glassy. Was she crying?

He thought that it's good to be strong, but Suman was just trying. She was vain, and he would expose her skin. He promised.
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Would love to hear from you all!

Index-
Chapter 1---- Page 1
Chapter2------Page1
Chapter3------Page2
Chapter4-------Page3
Chapter5-------Page4
Chapter 6----page5
Chapter7----Page5
Chapter8-----Page 5
Chapter9-----Page6
Chapter10-----Page7
Chapter11-----Page8
Chapter12------Page9
Chapter13-----Page10
Chapter14-----Page10

Chapter15-----Page11
Chapter16------Page12

Chapter 17-----page 13

Chapter 18-----page14

Chapter19----Page 15

Interesting start

Would love to read more

unressed my comment on pg 2

Chapter 2


Suman went through the list of medicines for the fifth time in a row, because, simply she had nothing else to do sitting beside Shravan in a car. As lame as it might sound, sitting in silence with him balmed her wounds. It made her sprint with unsaid energy because his words can singularly tear her wonderland into shreds.

Shravan stole glances of Suman sitting across the adjacent seat. Her eyes mechanically moved around the prescription letter, which, for god's sake she had made herself, and then she cautiously stared outside the window. With the advantage of the evening, he could see a vivid reflection of her closed eyes and ashen face in the car window.

If she had stopped all this, maybe he could have come around.
Maybe, they could have been together.


As the silence prevailed, Suman's phone buzzed through their metanoia. She jumped in her seat, bewildered and disturbed. Her disappointment didn't mellow down by seeing the name - Vikram. Shravan silently took note, that how she had cut down the call- not even muted. She clearly dismissed her lawyer, who was fighting this bloody case for her. He could feel her relax and sigh as if climbing a mountain or maybe just coming back to her rest again.

It eerily irked and attracted him to her silly and awkward behavior. He had met her 3 weeks ago in these 7 years and hadn't got the chance to look closely enough. Maybe, she has changed. Or maybe, she wasn't fine anymore. Of Course, nobody was fine anymore. But, still...

'You' Shravan wanted to say something that could make her bite her tongue, but then he changed his question to concern 'Fine?'

'Absolutely!' Suman cut him before he could breathe after his inquiry. She wasn't fine.
But, if he would care more?

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Suman ran her eyes across the medical store. She ordered medicines without slipping off the paper she had held dear to her life. She pretended that she was reading out names but Shravan knew that she had all the names of the medicines by heart. She fumbled, and clutched the paper even tighter when she asked for skin antiseptics 'Silver-ex?' she demanded, trying her best to ask nonchalantly. But the more she shivered, the more it became clear to Shravan that she was hiding something.

Cleverly, he snatched the paper from her hands. 'I think you have forgotten something.' he excused so that Suman's eyes don't bulge and plop out. He scanned the list for skin antiseptics but it had none. Because Veer had pneumonia and he wasn't cutting himself with a blade. He might have ignored her anyway, but the way she clenched her fists, it was so unlike her to get shy and conscious- in a damned medical store asking for medicines.

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Shravan and Suman sat back in the car. Shravan offered her to drive and she clearly dismissed saying that her feet were hurting and she doesn't want to take a risk with his car, not knowing how he would react for a scratch or two. Shravan felt his doubts fading, thinking that if she could taunt him then she is seriously fine and he was just overthinking.

In less than 5 minutes of ignition kicking start, Shravan called out Suman.
'Suman?' he focused on the road, thinking that she would answer back with a yes Captain?. But she didn't. 'Suman?' he again called out irritated. When this time silence prevailed, he turned around to watch her dozing off in her seat. She had her mouth open, and it felt like she was snoring like a hum. Something cracked inside him, he was astonished and bewildered.

Was he doing that to her?

The question ran in his blood until he saw her head rolling and dangling and been thrown in enormous directions because of the motions of car driving. He half-smiled at her, the crescent moon of empathy etched over his face. Suman used to be so alert, so spontaneous, so, so lively! He could picture her sprinting, jogging, and parading. Dancing- with her father and mother. Maybe, with their death, they took that Suman away too.

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He cradled her head, as he held the steering, in his lap. The gear apparatus was changed with utmost elegance and caution so that her chest remains unhurt. He could feel the damp weight of her head in his lap. It beat like a second heart. He let the cars overtake him, he didn't push the horn, although he had a reflex of doing it. He felt moving like a snail, on an empty road, so uncharacteristic of him, but Suman sleeping like a baby was an equally unlikely phenomenon. Whatever has conspired between the two, Shravan couldn't disturb something which felt like it won't come to her easily.- her rest.

He pulled the break, in front of the Tiwari house, it was time to wake Suman. And it scared him to no extent that how he would wake her gently and pretend that he didn't care.
Can both of these things go hand in hand?

'Suman?' he softly whispered in her ear. She stirred in his lap, as he felt something bloom inside him. It felt just too cute to handle. Before she could open her eyes, Shravan involuntarily fanned a strand of her hair and then tucked it behind her ear. As he completed his task, Suman opened her eyes under the touch of his hand. His smug smile hit her senses and then she just stared at him as much as he did. Time couldn't stop and that was the irony.

She still, waited for his expressions to change, which didn't change for the longest time. It felt like an eternity till he looked away dismissing her position. At this, she tried getting up but he still caged her. 'Mind it!' he pointed at the staring, just above her head. He plastered her head from the staring while letting her get up.

Suman woke up to her sitting posture, feeling her hands and feet go cold like snow. Her head still bounced as if it would break her skull. She had a massive headache and she couldn't remember what she was thinking or doing before she dozed off. It made her choke and cry at the same time. Before she could realize Shravan was watching her intently, she had already spilled a tear.

'Suman...' Shravan put forward his hand in the air, thinking that he could take her out of the awkward situation.

'NO.' Suman huffed, restricting any of his help. If only he knew...
Knew what?

'No, no, no...' she shook her head furiously, opened up the car door, and ran towards her house.

Shravan still gazed at the entrance, from where she had run, from where he will enter the same house in a few minutes. Only if he knew.............
Knew what?

Loved both the chapters. You explained beautifully SuVan's turmoil

Both parts are amazing

You are an awesome writer

Loved the way it is written

Thank you so very much for this

Lovely update dear

Originally posted by: Prizi

Lovely update dear

Chapter 3

Tears streamed down her face as Suman scribbled the pen on her diary

How it is like to feel your inners bawling under the seems of your skin?
How it is like to feel a whip of somebody's words in your heart?
How it is like to let your skin heal so that you could cut it more the next time?

She let the antiseptic dry on her cut. It felt exactly the opposite of what it had felt when she was cutting it. While the razor worked on her skin, she felt liberating - opening up literally, and when the wound closed itself- it felt like she was getting caged, she was holding an ocean of storms.

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Shravan couldn't help but feel his stomach growl. It wasn't just about food but something bothered him about Suman. So much so that he promised to not poke her "much" for a few coming days. He shoved away from his comforter and got up on his slippers. It felt fuzzy and dizzy at the same time. 2 in the night, wasn't really the time to wake the Tiwari's for a snack. So, he just walked down towards the kitchen in hushed steps. When he opened up the fridge, he found a choco bar lying untouched. Most probably Veer's pneumonia had saved the snack. Thinking that he would be doing a favor to the kid, he opened the wafer and bit a piece of chocolate and milk.

Insomnia wasn't new to him. His thoughts had an endless trail to cover, it started from the day his father was wrongly accused, to all the memories of Colonel Vijay Tiwari which haunted him. As he walked towards the main door and then towards the lawn, he saw a shawl sprawled over the floor, which had an elaborate embroidery of kings and queens. He had seen it so many times and had memorized it be Suman's favorite.

What was she doing here?

On Shravan's arrival, Suman became alert. She saw him munching an ice cream bar and then looked at his baby face and messed hair. He gelled them so tightly in the day, that she almost prayed that he might forget to do it for once. The way he always kept his hair flowing 7 years back. She gawked at his face, on his unexpected arrival and wished that they could be strangers once again. Fall in love, once again.

Entering her reality, Suman picked her shawl and crumpled her feet inside her slippers, to subside the feeling of dissolving. 'Let me..' she initiated the action of leaving until Shravan stopped her. 'Stay.' he said, his voice a mixture of autumn and spring. His words fell on her like petals. Without a question she adjusted back in her seat, trying to feel the breeze and not listen to her thumping heart.

Can he read me?

Shravan looked ahead still noticing the anxiety which had taken over Suman. As if she was stealing something as if she was doing something wrong. And even then, she looked tired and worn out. Friction drains energy. So he decided to initiate a pep talk.

'How's it going?' Shravan asked, looking anywhere but at her. It felt extremely awkward to ask somebody who was filing a case at your father, in the middle of the night, that how it was going. Awful.

Suman, pranced, licked her lips, and tucked her hair behind her ear. As if discarding the question, she put forward another conversation. 'I hope Bunty has told you, already.' she coughed.

'What?' Shravan darted his head in her direction. What more surprises awaited him?

Suman frowned at him, tying her eyebrows together. 'You, don't know? You seriously don't?' Suman asked again, to which Shravan replied in a negative. He shook his head still hysterical.

Suman huffed and continued 'Kanchan is coming tomorrow.' she announced.

'And how does that relate? Don't you think that you should talk about Bunty first?' Shravan raised his hands in confusion.

'That is the same thing.' Suman made a point and rolled her eyes.

'How come, Captain Tiwari? I mean- just- look at you, you seem to create puz..'
'Kancha and Bunty are getting married.'
'create a puzzle in the air as if, Wait, WAIIIITTTT!! WHAT?' Shravan's eyes popped out of nowhere.
'Kancha and Bunty are getting married.' Suman again repeated a tone that reflected the slight grin on her face.

'What the F'in hell?' Shravan's voice screeched the sky.
'SHhshshs....' Suman mellowed him down, and he imitated. 'Veer's sleeping. the whole Bhopal is!' Suman stood and walked forward. 'You told me Bunty was your friend? bro? Like, hmm, seriously?' Suman teased Shravan and couldn't help but pull his cheeks. But, she won't.

'Oh, com'on. I was on a mission, field duty. Okay, or he would have called me.' Shravan tried to play it all cool when he was muttering every curse to Bunty's quietness and seclusion over the matter.

'Agreed Captain.' Suman zipped her lips, grim and red. She could barely hold the facade for 2 minutes, before giving in to a hearty laugh enough to wake up the entire Bhopal.

Shravan looked at her watery eyes, pearl white teeth which jeweled across her lips resembling rose petals. She was a landscape for him, her each feature was the burning reality of this universe. For him, she was the only one he could keep and remember in his mind in her sheer absence. The silver lining of her jaw, the twinkle of her eyes- everything! everything was deeply engraved in his heart. Maybe, more than a victim he was her patient.

Suman could feel her gut explode. She stopped laughing, as soon as she had started. It felt like stones pitting inside her heart, and then finally hitting her tear glands. They spilled like crazy and the shame was it all happened in front of Shravan, who was standing mesmerized the previous second and shocked the other. Her nose had turned red, her cheeks scarlet and she still basked the apology of spiling it all open, that now, there was no way back.

Shravan didn't ask but just took her hand in his. 'Tell me. It's all safe with me.' he ascertained that her secrets shall be his. He didn't know why he said that but it just felt the right thing to declare. He didn't know why he would tell all that to a woman who was fighting a case against his father. Maybe because she was the only woman he had loved.

Suman looked at the earnest look in his eyes. She felt guilty and dirty. Why had she pushed him away? Why she had to lose so many years of togetherness? Heck! Why didn't he come around? He had loved her, he should have been there- even if she was bad, foul and what not. And then somewhere she knew, that she would have ruined him, that it was better for him to leave this self-loathing burden of flesh and blood which they called Suman Tiwari.

Even with a tornado of thoughts creating a disaster inside her, she let go of his hand. 'Where were you when I wanted to talk to you? You think' she gasped for air 'You think, that whatever happened to you was the end of our universe, Shravan? Where were you when... when I was alive?' She grabbed her mouth, looking hysterically at him and then at her words. Shravan gulped harder at the intensity of her speech, the cracking of her throat- the darkness of the reality.

Before he could have stopped her, she left the spot, trying to hold herself together. While leaving, she had unknowingly left the shawl at her place, the king and queen embroidered, on the far ends- he realized.
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