I'm Dying - SuVan Story (Chap19(NEW) On page15) - Page 3

Can't wait to read further chapters. And how beautifully you've penned down their turmoil.

Our show writers should take some tips

Chapter 5

Dear Diary, Suman scribbled

I'm hurt and they are hurting me, everybody. I can't forget the way my father looked at me when I held Shravan's hand. I can't forget his distrust, his bitter gaze of disgust. It made me feel like a monster. As if, I was a stranger my father had met for the first time. That I should have been in bed and not defending my love for the boy I had given my heart to. I wonder if my father realized that I had to summon energies of all kinds to hold his hand in front of our families and to look in his eyes as if only he mattered. He had pulled me apart, dismissing my pleas, had pushed me away to Pune as if I was a stain on his reputation. I know now, what he had meant. He had just wanted me to stay away from distractions, maybe from my happiness. But still, he could have told me otherwise for a moment- that he trusted me, that he didn't completely think of me as a disappointment, that Shravan was a boy I could give my heart too, that my choices weren't garbage and vain. If only!

I LOVE YOU PAPA, BUT I AM TOO HURT TO NOT SAY THIS. PARDON ME. I know I am dirty, so what difference will it make?

I can still remember my mother's subtle look at my 'illogical' statements about love. They think of it as some ailment to be a teenager in love. After crying my eyes out, she had just told me that it will pass over, that I will laugh it off in the future. But did it happen? Certainly not!!
I am still in that darkness, that thunderstorm which dares to tear my soul apart. I am still hurting, mother! And you left me. But still, my mother's memory is like a cool breeze to my brain, they neither drown me nor keep me afloat. It's like an indifferent feeling of numbness. Just numbness.

At last, Shravan. This man, who felt like a medicine to my rigid and robotic sadness and boredom betrayed me in my dullest time. He left me all alone when I was smoldering in the grief of death and separation. My chest used to ache so, so badly. There were days I could feel nothing but my tears, my vision blurring into mossiac, my textbooks becoming alien. I held myself together, by cutting everything that pulled me apart! As ironic it might sound, I pushed back people, family members, and friends, because none had the authority to hurt me.
I had called Shravan almost every year. In the starting, it was about apologizing. I wanted to make amends. He was the drug to my disease, the disease which had loomed through my soul, of self-hatred and self-guilt. His one word- could have saved me, so I tried! I tried harder each time! Even if the automated voice told me that it was out of network or switched off. Later on, it became just about listening to his voice. The court case had progressed in the course, and I have been told to hate him and his father left, right, and center. But as crazy a woman I am, I still saw the cracks in that facade. Shamelessly, I still tried his number, because I needed to hear his voice. The base, that could hum in the back of my eardrums, the pitch that could seal my broken heart, the dream I shall carry in my sleep- his voice. But he never picked it up. My hands shivered, my heart prayed and my brain dialed- but he didn't pick it up for once! Once, Shravan Malhotra had been a cure to my sadness, but now he was just venom. Seriously!

Suman cried as she tried focussing more on the paper.

Yeah, yeah! Seriously! I am saying it to you, diary! DAMN!!!!!

Suman screeched at her pen. She so wanted to write that she hated him, but it wasn't happening. That she wanted him out of his life.

NO! She wrote, hysterical at her hands. NO! I DON'T HATE HIM. I LOVE HIM, I DO, AND I KNOW I AM CRAZY. I want him, I want him to stay and live with me, I want to hurt him, but he should stay, because, because.....

As more tears streamed down Suman's face she heard a commotion at the door.....


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It was early in the morning, almost 7:30. She was on her table, writing and crying furiously when Shravan entered the door, packed and jammed in his Army uniform. He stood, as he watched Suman look hysterically for the cap of her pen. She moved furiously, silently wiping her tear stricken face. She was writing in that diary, he had seen yesterday night in her room. It was opened, the pages almost yellow and the ink so fresh that it strained his nostrils. There was she, crying and writing. His hands shivered a bit, so he fisted them and put it back in his pocket. He wanted to embrace her or just run away, nothing in the middle seemed possible.

'Yes.' She stood erect, in her polka dot satin night suit. It looked awfully cute on her. Her comforter still preserved that caricature from her teenage years, her room pretty much the same. There are certain things a human can do, like- preserve the past in non-living objects. It's an illusion to save ourselves from the reality of a blizzard. It felt warm even if the storm was cold and numbing.

'I am going to the Cantt.' he gulped, thinking if she could catch the sudden change in his behavior pattern. If she could read him and tell that he knows everything about her.

'Perfect! Brilliant!' She smiled a bit at him and then suddenly clenched her jaw. Don't smile at him! she nudged her brain. But there was something really magnetic about the uniform when he wore it. The three golden stars on his shoulder straps, his medals- they made her flutter. After all, she was a captain too- but wasn't that so obvious? Her whole family was in the army, and her being there didn't surprise anybody. But Shravan! It was the biggest shock of her life, first, she felt tongue-tied, and then for a minute she couldn't help but absorb each feature of his "Captain" personality. He was there, her wish and her dream. But with an expiry date.

'Umm, your shawl?' he pointed out at the absence of her favorite stole and she slapped her head.

'Oi!' Suman looked around 'Is it still down, in the lawn?' She asked, disappointed at her mistake. And then something else came flooding into her brain. She opened and closed her mouth, that how maddening was it to forget something so embarrassing.

'Yeah, it's very much in the drawing-room now. Okay, see yah...' Shravan sensed her discomfort and excused himself. He had a plan. He won't steal her diary but shall pick up his information from her directly.

It was time to know if she still loved him or not?

---
because, because.....I know I don't feel alive without him.
Bye for today!

Such an amazing update dear

Chapter 6

Suman was directing his ground shooting when Shravan thought of breaking down into a conversation. On the outside, Suman looked so, so normal and fine. He was ready to save her from anything which was hurting her, but in self-doubt, he wondered if he was the reason for her pain. He wanted to see her anxiety, shivering, and read her face. He wanted to explore her avoidance and seclusion if it meant she will be ready to show him what was eating her.

'I talked to Bunty.' Shravan said, still looking at the target. He whispered obvious of their workplace.

Suman stiffened at her spot. It was terrifying for her to live with Shravan. It made her feel sick in the stomach, it made her cells experience every trauma she had dumped 7 years ago. Even then she couldn't help but feel relaxed when he smiled at her or just talked. Talked- normally. Somewhere, she knew he was the only memory of her past life, standing in flesh and blood. It was a weird feeling of agony and gratitude.

'He, he wants to throw a party. He was really feeling bad for keeping me out.' Shravan smiled at her.

'Good for you! I have some work. Spare me a minute.' Suman almost ran out of the place. Yes, he was talking normally, but the event associated with Bunty-Kanchan's revelation wasn't pleasing to her. Her crying, her reacting hysterically- all that triggered like a shot with those words of his. Why wasn't he getting that she was a broken visage he need not tamper with, or he might get scared!

Shravan saw her escape. He never in his dreams wanted to do that to her in the Cantt. It was her workplace, the place she had dearly wished to work, and he won't ruin it by disturbing her. He loaded his gun, pointed it at the target, and hit the bullseye.

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'Call Vikram.' Shravan ordered Bunty on the phone. Kanchan who sat a few seats away frowned at him.

'Why so, have you lost it? I mean, me marrying Kanchan is something you can accept, but calling the prosecutor, I mean....' Bunty let the sentence hang in the air.

'He is my friend, Bunty. A good guy.' Shravan pressed on the matter, genuinely.

Kanchan fluttered her eyelashes in confirmation.

'Sugar!' she called out Bunty on the phone and Shravan couldn't help but chuckle faintly. 'Let Shravan decide.' she pestered further as Bunty complied.

'Time flies.' Shravan sighed on the phone, as Kanchan couldn't help but press her lips in a smile.

As he kept back the receiver, Kanchan excused herself from his room and went to check on Suman, who was just getting ready for the party.

Shravan looked at her retreating figure, thinking that if everything was fine between them, then he would have sent her with some gift for his then lady love to wear tonight. He knew that the sudden thought was miserable and completely out of place, but he couldn't ignore the sudden feeling of warmness in his heart thinking about Suman wearing something of his liking. It was surreal, however, his real intentions were just to help her out. Nothing more and nothing less.

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Kanchan entered the room after a slight knock. She looked at it for a moment, feeling that she had entered a time travel box. It smelled of their childhood. She could hear the shower in its full swing, there was a saree sprawled on the bed- dark blue in color. She loved it but something snapped inside her. Suman won't object if she replaced it with a scarlet-colored saree, she had bought when Shravan had picked her up from the airport.

Living with Bunty had made her realize an array of things.

1. Devraj Malhotra was negligent. And there wasn't anything more to that.
Still, she won't ever pester Suman to make or break her decisions. Just like Suman had accepted her relation with Bunty without poking her own thoughts, she would never question Suman about her choices. They knew how to give each other the required space.

2. Shravan is a genuine guy. He really is.
Her heart ached to see both Suman and Shravan live on the farther ends of the same branch. It was just so cruel, of everyone to not see and mend it. And then she was a part of the same crowd. There were things too difficult to digest and then things too difficult to turn around. Their break up, their staying away from each other and nobody in this world giving a damn- hurt. But then, as Bunty had always told her- that people whom we love have a way of gravitating back to us, no matter how far we move away. So, she, just like him, she waited.

Kanchan pulled out a scarlet Saree, with scarlet net and flower embroidery. She almost shuddered seeing it, it was so beautiful If Bunty hadn't selected her saree for the night, she would have worn it. But then seeing Shravan today, when he picked her up, made her sense a slight soft corner in his heart for her elder sister. Her name from his mouth felt so soft as if he carried her on his tongue. She was suddenly hit with a cyclone of memories and thanked God for making her purchase the scarlet saree. It was Shravan's favorite color and Suman shall look aesthetic in it. She didn't know what it meant, it just meant something- something which should happen.

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Suman saw herself in the mirror. She was fresh out of the shower, draped in a towel with the heaviness of her wet hair dripping water. She rubbed the mirror to clear over the condensed moisture of the washroom and saw her skin. It had spots of pink enraged all over it like light rashes. She had scrubbed herself more than it was needed. It all happened when she started thinking of excuses she might give Kanchan to forgo the party. She thought and thought and scrubbed. Finally, when her skin felt extremely sensitive to touch, she came to the conclusion that she'd rather make herself sick but not say no to Kanchan. She loved her sister too dearly to reject anything which made her happy. Already, she only had a few of her loved ones left.

She stepped out in her towel and saw a scarlet-colored saree of flower embroidery sprawled over her bed. There was a small note tucked with it -

'I bought it for you, Behen!' -Kanchan

Suman smiled looking at the curves of her sister's handwriting. She was such a messy hand. They were always given pages to write when they were small. It was a sought of competition, in which Kancha was always so so lazy to participate. She labeled it as "wasted potential" and announced that they could do better things in the time they wasted in ruining the paper.

"Time flies" She chuckled faintly. It really does.

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Suman coupled the scarlet saree with amber-colored earrings. She had found them in the farthest drawer of her room, eating dust. She barely remembered when she had bought them. She liked them. She would wear her hair in a high bun- not too high, or it will make her head ache and decided to go with a dangling bun holder.
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'UGhhHH!' she spat. It was so, so damn difficult to make a bun. All the Juda pins fell crashing on the floor and Suman gave up with her aching arms. 'Sodd it!' she cursed and then made a loose bun and ran it through her bun holder and let a few strands of her hair loose. She glossed her lips light pink, filled mascara, and left the room hurriedly. She might be looking fine, she thought.

As she took the flight down the stairs she felt Shravan sit on one of the loungers. He should have been at the party. Suman thought. She came around him, sitting up straight in his black blazer. For an eternity, he was always jammed in formals, but today he was finally casual. His white t-shirt peaked out of his black blazer. He had buckled a chocolate brown belt with again a jet black denim. Okay, okay Shravan Malhotra, finally he looked something which made her feel the past. It wasn't nice always. Almost every time she felt traumatic to be thrown in memories but this man, this man was more than a memory for her.

'Ready?' Shravan asked and then it felt like he froze. He had felt Suman coming, her earrings were making a noise all the way down the stairs but the moment his eyes struck at her petite figure and enormous look, he was marveled. Shravan stared and stared and it wasn't until Suman took up the car keys and walked forward, he was dragged out of the Tiwari house.

Scarlet was his favorite color, but he never thought that it would drive him crazy anyway.

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behen, please edit the topic to 'Ch 6 updated'

Originally posted by: SuVan_EDKV2

res... aur behen, please edit the topic to 'Ch 6 updated'

Chapter 7

I didn't compliment him. Not when he opened the car door for me, not when he drove me all the way to Bunty and Kanchan's party. How silly can it get? But then maybe, it wasn't silly at all. It was just normal and a bit crazy. I and Shravan are fighting a court case against each other and then it doesn't really make sense to complement each other's handsomeness. But then, it doesn't even make sense to stay together, drive to places together, and feel that warmness in the heart when the other talks.

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'Oh, my good lord! Suman!!' Kanchan came running towards Suman who was still steadying herself on the pumps she had worn. It was a weird kind of inertia, as she felt that she would stick to the car seat rather than walk. 'You look breathtaking!' Kanchan went for an embrace however she already had a reunion late that afternoon.

'Good Evening Suman!' came a voice, which Suman used to hear like a habit a few years ago. He was always there, somewhere or the other- Bunty. No, she wasn't underestimating him as some background thing- he was one of those people who made you feel like you have come home.

'Good evening Bunty! Congratulations' Suman bowed with a slight smile. All this while, Kanchan cleared her throat a bit, confusing Suman. As she turned around her head, she saw Shravan ogling at her. It was weird, but then it turned a tide in her stomach- this time, not of fear. It felt a bit high- you know- the happy high? Okay, nothing really made sense but then Suman saw Shravan pointing towards the gift they had bought. He had begged her to share it with him as he had legit forgotten to bring anything for the couple.

'This time!' Suman had huffed at him. She didn't need to tell that what would people think of them if they gave away the gift together- collectively.
'This time.' Shravan had mumbled with a faint grin as he concentrated on the steering.

'Bring it.' she stretched and whispered in Shravan's ear, who nodded at her decisively. As she looked around, Bunty and Kanchan stood rooted to their spot, glaring at them with confusion. Suman shook her head with a smile and mouthed a nothing!

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Okay, this was so ridiculous. Shravan thought. He had no plans of being a git, and not bringing a gift to a party will make Suman think of him as some irresponsible, impossible human, who didn't really care. It didn't matter to him about what people thought of him, but Suman, Suman thinking of him that way, made his gut tear and skin burn. It wasn't really a good sign, but he still wanted her to think good about him. It was damn embarrassing, but then he might get over it soon. He should. Remember, the plan!, Shravan made a mental note.

As he rolled his eyes, he caught Suman talking to Vikram. She tapped her knuckles in a routine, almost pulled her hair back every moment. She was extremely pissed on pulling up a facade, or maybe that was the plight of everybody during a session of talking with a lawyer, even if it is casual. Vikram and Suman were good friends for the record, her Aunt Beena swooned over Vikram like anything and always provided Suman with unwanted plans to pursue him as a love interest. But Shravan was confident she won't do anything of that sort. The girl he knew never made relations for benefit.
But a slight doubt irked him as well, that what if......

Before he could complete his trailing thoughts he saw Suman accompanying Vikram to the dance floor. 'Fine, is it..' Shravan mumbled under his breath as something too heavy hit his brain. She wasn't his and she really didn't have any obligation to open up to him, to take his help, or let him do it for her. She was free, free from any bond of love. The more he thought of these words, the bitter it got on his tongue. He went in for a light drink looking at the lights that pranced over Suman, as she danced.

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Vikram was such a brand new entry in my life, that I should have been thankful for it. But for the record, I wasn't. When he touched me, I felt like running away. God forbid, I couldn't stand our closeness even for a petty couple dance. 'This is going to be over Suman!' I didn't feel dirty with him, it was just that I wasn't relaxed. It felt like I was watching myself from the corner, that only my body was with him and not my soul.

Vikram was smiling at me, and I smiled harder until my jaw and cheeks hurt. And pulling that facade is so easy. Like, swoosh! I do it all the time, to pretend. Acting like I was the easiest and uncomplicated person to go with.

A moment later I see Vikram frowning at me and then I even smile harder, that's how I dismiss anybody's doubts about me.

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Shravan walked up to the dance floor, tapping at Vikram's shoulder. 'Wanna let me dance with the lady?' He smiled at him and Suman just gawked.
'Sure. I was about to go to the Washroom.' Vikram passed a genuine smile, as he placed Suman's hand delicately in Shravan's.

Any resistance from Suman's side was mellowed down by the jingles of the next song starting. She complied and dragged her hands-on Shravan's collar, galloping his neck. Instead of her back, he sweetly covered her waist with both of his large hands. Her waist fit so snugly in his grip that she shuddered at their contact.

Shravan was a true army gentleman. Suman could read that with her closed eyes. He maintained a sweet distance which for some reason seemed chivalrous but torturous to her. Okay, they could have danced without that awkward distance, couldn't they?

'Do what makes you happy and not others.' Shravan's voice hit her like spring. Suman shot up her head and moved her eyes to his, as he gazed at her with warmth.

It suddenly snapped something inside her. There was a drain of past memories, their dances, and intimate glares. They had been so, so happy, without that distance which rested between them like a monster. She had been his completely, without a doubt, without a hurry to get away from each other.

Before it could shiver the hell out of her, she twirled in his hands- a step ahead in dance. She felt her inners crawling but her heart was thudding loudly, pumping blood in extreme quantities, rejuvenating her body. She would burn if she keeps him close, but then any otherwise- won't keep her alive too.

'You don't know me.' Suman forced words out of her lips. She closed her eyes immediately, turning away from his face and questions before tears rolled down her sorrow. She has had a hysterical week, feeling so exposed in front of him to even stand straight. It had made her cut her skin 3 times in the bathroom, and the cuts were still new and burning. She could feel the pain and that kept her from crying over other brainy things. She rashed herself to feel the numbness and nothing.

'I know you more than you can ever think of it. I know Suman, why you cry... I do.' he shook his head as Suman frowned deeper. ' I don't know what to say, but I can't stay and not help you. You were yelping silently when you danced with Vikram, you twitched, I saw that.' Suman opened her mouth to rectify, clarify his observations but found nothing coming out of her it. 'No, don't say anything. I know and you need not tell me, that won't change anything between us.' Shravan looked at her with certainty as she just nodded, and danced with him further.

Between us? What was there between them? Anyways.

'Do you think about, that time you know...' Shravan stole his gaze, as they began towards the ending of their dance.

'Think about....' Suman let the words stay at her lips for a little longer, as she looked at the twitch of hurt on his face. She straightened her spine, listening to the background music in their muffled talks, still very much in his hold. 'I have changed my destination. Although...' she gulped harder as Shravan found her throat holding everything tight in a secret, a lie. 'When I do think of that time' she bore into his gaze 'I wish, I wish nothing had happened. And maybe, maybe..' she looked at him, almost her voice dying at the what-if. Shravan immediately looked away, nodded his head in what they say a bit of guilt 'Even I think the same.' Suman wondered if standing too close can fuse their thoughts together just like it synchronized their heartbeats.

As the music died, Suman abruptly, left his hands in mid-air- vanishing in a sprint. She moved away from him, and he saw his dream breaking away. What nonsense? he mentally kicked himself for thinking that way. But that was the sheer irony. It never made sense.

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Awesome yaar

Amazingly written

Just loved it

Thank you

Chapter 8

I could have bunked the party after that dance and could have got lost all on my own, but alas. I wasn't a heroine, and things weren't easy for me. So, I sat in the car waiting for Shravan to take me home with him, whereas Bunty and Kanchan shall explore Bhopal in their courtship. And then everything came crashing like a real storm, that I was just so worse in creating my spine to stand off those awful word battles with Mr. Malhotra. As I sat in his SUV, waiting for him to take me along (I know the metaphor sucks) a call jingled through my ears. He had put the mobile charge in his car. I was about to look at what it buzzed for when Shravan tapped the glass. 'Give it to me.' he said, looking dumb and annoyed. Was he also thinking that we were a mental case together? 'I wasn't planning on keeping it with me.' I passed on the phone, but in the process maybe I picked it up or it was just because it fell so hard on the car floor that the caller started speaking through the loudspeaker.

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'Lawyer Anand speaking out here! Shravan? We just got the trial date. We're gonna rock this time!' The speaker was jovial and could be dancing. Suman just heard each word with patience when something major clicked in her brain. It was like she froze in her position and didn't really catch Shravan forcing the door open and bending down at her seat to get his mobile and take the call on handset.

We are going to rock it...

How? By proving that my father was martyred because of some bullshit negligence which could be ignored. No big deal?

'You know my father can't do that right.........' Shravan's miserable voice was like shreds of sharp glass.
'Please leave, Shravan.' Suman sat stoically.
'Vijay Uncle would never consider his friend a traitor, Sumo! They are taking my father away!' Shravan's voice just grew louder in her head.

Colonel Vijay Tiwari and his 2 soldiers were martyred in the attack at college. The vest making company -Malhotra industries- shall go under an investigation. The vest worn by the soldiers were faulty and weak. it is a major blow to the ............

She could hear voices. The television set humming the death of her father like a bee around its hive.

'If Vijay uncle was alive, Sumo...' Shravan's voice echoed in her head.

'No! No, he isn't alive, he isn't alive because your father isn't dead!!' Suman screamed.

Suman clutched her head. She had those instant nightmares as if watching it all over again on a loop. It made her loathe her ability to think. She shivered as sweat rolled down her temples. She rummaged a napkin and threw her head on the car seat, as Shravan sat on the driver seat.
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Shravan looked at Suman, breathing heavily. She looked as if coming from a long day of toil or a trek. Her eyes were closed, her chest raised and fell rapidly. 'Suman?' he touched her and Suman opened her eyes a bit. 'STOP.' she said. She again wiped her face from a handkerchief.

Her eyes were glassy and when she looked at Shravan, he felt that she had been crying. But the fact was, her eyes were like a well of emotions she wasn't ready to take out. 'Leave me alone Shravan. I don't want to say anything right now, anything! PLEASE.' She folded her hands. Shravan felt his inners dissolve in shock. For the first time in those days, he heard Suman scream and even then, looked the most helpless person alive. She shivered and requested him, screaming at him, and he complied. He kicked in the ignition and silently forced his gaze towards the road when all his heart was stuck in her chest.

Memories came rushing down at her feet, whirlpooling like a disaster around her soul. Something crashed inside her. It was all a farce. Shravan was just being nice to her. He didn't really like or care for her. Nobody ever would.

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As Shravan pulled over an empty Tiwari house, Suman unbuckled her seat belt. She opened the door in such a hurry that Shravan was giving out warnings to be careful. ''Suman!' Shravan called her out before she ran through the entrance of the door.

Suman turned around, her jaw frozen in disgust and bitterness.
'Stop acting Shravan! Stop pretending that you don't want all this to happen, that you can stop all this!' Suman shouted her guts out sucking back her tears.

'You know what?' she screamed and walked towards him. Shravan just stood rooted to his spot. If he will move forward then maybe he will vanish in her wrath.

'You never cared. You never had that love for me ever. I was bloody waiting for you! And you?' Suman felt her throat tearing, her gut somersaulting and her heart thudding hard against her rib cage. 'I wanted to be with you, I fought. But you? what did you do Shravan?' She squinted her eyes, breathing as heavily a possible. Tears now fell from her eyes like a maiden river stream.

'You have no business with me, Captain Malhotra. So just stay away. I had loved you and that, that was such a silly mistake!' She huffed.

'SUMAN!!!!' Shravan punctuated her for the first time in the whole quarrel. 'JUST SHUT UP! I don't try to say that. Whatever was there, was mutual...' he tried speaking when his throat also seemed too harsh for the truth.

'Mutual? Mutual? trying to touch and hug isn't love. Making tattoos isn't love. Standing for each other and.........'Suman spat as Shravan intervened.

'Don't tell me I didn't stand for you. Don't tell me I didn't hold your hand in front of the whole family. I was there for you Suman when your father died, you, you threw me out. You finished it all!' Shravan accused.

'I finished it. And what about you? Why did you not pick up my calls, why did you not let me make amends? Did you not know, that I didn't accuse your father. It was the media first? Did we send the cops to your house? It was a matter of national security Shravan! Grow up CAPTAIN MALHOTRA! Grow up, anyways, nothing has ever come clear to you, nothing ever will!' Suman blurted, tears streaming down from her eyes like crazy. Her breathing was so uneven that she may pass out at any time.

'Suman breathe, calm down!' Shravan panicked looking at the miserable mess she had been. He wiped a few tears which spilled from his eyes as he measured the pain in her words and then in his chest.

'Leave me.' Suman turned around and felt a bit faint to her senses. She still made it back to her bedroom in sanity. She looked up for her sleeping pills, crying with passion, and vigor. 'I hate you! Why are you doing this to me Shravan!!! URGGHH!' she gulped the pills in measure. Random thought of taking more than required passed in her head, but she fought the thought back. 'Why do I love him?' she questioned herself before passing out.

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Chapter 9

Shravan tossed and turned around in his bed, sleep far away from his eyes. It has been an hour since his latest fall out with Captain Tiwari. It was anything but normal, of course not peaceful. She was hysterical after a lone and obvious phone call from his lawyer. What did she expect? And Suman was known to him for being extremely practical. She could be hurt, but the whole fiasco which took place was unimaginable to him. She was nearly passing out on the lawn and only God knows how she had made her way to her room.

It was impossible for Shravan to sleep. He could not stop thinking about the reasons which led Suman to outburst in such a messy fashion. And then it didn't leave him that her self-guilt wasn't away either. The moment he closed his eyes to stop thinking of anything of such sort, her angry red scars appeared in front of him - clouding his thoughts. 'She has become my dream or nightmare, I don't know...' Shravan mumbled to himself, closing his eyes.

He got up from his bed, suddenly getting a bizarre idea of stealing her diary. It won't matter to him now, of what all accusations shall hit him in the future. It's now or never. He can't wait to let his Suman drown in any disaster- even if she is willing to create that disaster herself. His Suman, he chuckled. What kind of a lovesick puppy was he? It had never made sense and he didn't expect to make any, even this time.
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With no difficulty, Shravan had filtered himself in Suman's room. Firstly, he went to her sleeping figure and checked her breathing. His heart had taken a heavy sprint when he had seen the bottle of sleeping pills, lying in her fisted hands. Her breathing was even and that gave him a sense of relief. Under the influence of those pills, she could barely move a limb, so he saw the opportunity with a silver lining. He tucked Suman in a comforter and looked at her lips, glossed and messed. She had been crying, really hard. Even in front of him.
'I had loved you Shravan!' her scream was still so clear in his ears, hitting like a hurricane in his heart. At that point, it made him feel toiled and easy at the same time. She was crying and calling their love as silly, that how much it had led her down. But he was astonished and a bit cheery to see that their love mattered to her. That she couldn't forget it just like him. He was a bit comforted with the thought that they were stuck in the past but together.

He moved away and grabbed her diary. It was still on her study table, concealed and locked. 'Where's the key?' Shravan questioned himself. It was going to be really laborious to find the keys. Suman was an Army officer, was intelligent. So she would hide anything, and that too so personal, with the best of her ability. He searched her bookshelf, where he found so many books he had seen 7 years back. He searched the drawers, where in the last one he found a small album of 'their' photographs. The cover was fresh, untouched. But the fact was it was still preserved, like a diamond in a locker. 'Handle Delicately' Suman had warned the user. She might have written it a very, very long time ago. When there was nothing but happiness in their previous life.

'Good gracious!' Shravan huffed as he didn't get anything useful in his search endeavor. The only place left was the washroom. He clicked the door and searched. He looked through her toiletries, the cabinet behind the mirror. As he checked the place behind the shower, the sink fascinated him. It was a double-layered sink, and it is possible to find a hollow place between the layers of steel. He tried opening it but found it screwed. 'Damn! Sumo!' Shravan cursed and now started looking for a screwdriver. He again searched the cabinet, towels, and shampoos. He scattered a few more things to make space and got something wrapped in a newspaper. The newspaper was wrinkled and it looked as if it was opened again and again and then wrapped back, almost every day. 'What's that..' Shravan murmured and held the thing in his hand.

It was a razor. Cleaned, washed, and dried. And then wrapped. The sharpness had decreased manifold, because of constant use. He looked at it for quite a long time. He looked at it and imagined it moving across Suman's golden skin. The soft skin, which could be cut little by little with this bluntness- the inevitable pain and scar it could stamp her body with. Shravan didn't know when his eyes were watery and tears had made their way across his cheeks silently, or when he zipped the razor back in one of his pockets. 'I won't let anything harm you Suman, promise.' he swore to god and proceeded back to get the screwdriver.

The screwdriver came in handy in a few minutes. With that, he searched the sink and Eureka! He found the key. He had a small victory moment, heavy breathes, and a sigh of relief. He came out of the door, wishing that no more razors were left there in the bathroom. He got the diary, zipped the key in his pocket, and with a last look on a peacefully sleeping Suman he got himself out of the room.

He picked his phone to drop a message to Bunty. Please get me Gujral's number.
-------------

As time was already past midnight, and having no sleep around his eyes for kilometers together, Shravan decided to go through the diary.

He flipped through pages. But he read each and every word. There were entries, mostly the latest- which made his blood freeze in his veins. It included him as well. There were moments, in which he had passed without a brain in the situation and she had recorded it with a monster intensity. There were wishes and imaginations. And there were rashes of her scars, the pain, and how she felt relieved to have them. How she felt that she at least had control over her wounds and their cure, which could be seen on the outside.

Dear Diary----

And I could hear all those voices again and again. It killed me how easily, things can crumble into dust and still hover over your body like a second soul. It ruined me, each day.

My favorite cadet!


My father's voice was drumming in my gut the day I was commissioned as an army doctor.
Captain Doctor Suman Tiwari, I pressed the feeling of those words behind my tongue bitter in my gut. Kanchan was away in Ambala, doing her post-graduation. Uncle- Aunty were setting up their business in Indore. So when I had looked ahead in the crowd full of unfamiliar claps, I could just imagine the silver lining of my parents and of course him. My parents were ghosts of memories and Shravan's alter figure was an impression of my mind, the only thing I could remember about him was his smile and his adoration for me.

Shravan's heart skipped a beat. She did imagine him on the day of her commission. He wanted to tell her that he too, saw her clapping and saluting him on his. Sumo style!

A blink.
A flutter.
A breath.

And there I was all alone, once again. It never mattered if I was holding a drill, an OPD, or was just sitting in the silence of my room- I was hollow and thoughtless.

Shravan froze in his seat. It wasn't the only diary entry in this book, which made him feel dead and alive at the same time.

The only changed truth was that Shravan is now a Captain too. He emerged as the topper in his NDA batch, and now his praise sits on everybody's lips in the Cantt.

A mild smile played on his lips.

I pondered if he too missed my father on the day of his commission.
If he too felt my void in the crowd?

'Yes,' Shravan muttered, his voice to meek for himself to listen. He felt his throat giving away, cursing their fate, for such cruelty. 'Damn!' he fisted and punched the mahogany table.

Suddenly I could see him walking across the manicured expanse of his garden. He walked in a lazy rhythm, different from what he always did. There was a breeze of the past in his demeanor. As he looked on the other side, his eyes met mine.

'What was I thinking?' Shravan pressed his brain.

It felt like peeking into the past, the last time we had hugged each other in happiness. or maybe- he didn't know!

Would you have hugged me tighter if you knew it was the last time we were meeting?

Shravan was now crying. It didn't take much for him to tear down after that sentence. When had they last met? Their memories were so many in number, they played like a film, crystal and clear in his brain. When had they last met? He wanted to shut the diary and forget about it. It was painful and heavy. But it made him lucky, to read it before anything disastrous could have taken place.

A question, so heavy for our fragile eye contact, broke it apart.

Suddenly, I could feel a kind of lethargic anxiety taking over my senses. So when I again looked up, I found him walking away on the other side.

Still, it felt he was coming closer.
Funny isn't it?

'Funny, Very Funny!' Shravan wiped his eyes and a ghostly smile played on his lips.