Member Topic: How many of you had an arranged marriage? - Page 27

Originally posted by: WittyFlair

You’ve clearly undergone a lot and a lot of members have written really wonderful advice to you. I would say give yourself some time and space. And continue to be kind to yourself. Is there anyone you can talk to (in your real life) that can help you with this issue? You’re doing a great thing taking care of your mom but its unrealistic to take care of her for the rest of your life. At some point, there must be a way to prioritize yourself.

Thank you so much for the kind words. Really means a lot ❤

Even I think that I just need some time exclusively for myself to think about where all of this is heading. I have wonderful people in my life in the form of family members and genuine friends who have stuck by me despite the social isolation and cutting off of ties who really rallied around me when things reached the breaking point. They keep me going ❤

Originally posted by: gilmores

First of all, a big hug to you. 🤗

Clock is ticking is such BS. There's no such thing. People are getting married later and later in life - and marriage is not the end all be all of our lives either. I wish families would think more about what the ramifications of compromising on the person and rushing into marriage are. I have seen both good and bad marriages around me.

And I'm so sorry some of your family members are saying things like you're not made for love marriage - I'm sorry but what crap. Everyone and anyone can have a love marriage - it can easily begin from the arranged marriage setup or not from that. It is not something reserved for some elite bunch. I know that it is much harder to ignore what families say vs random outsiders - but don't let anyone kill your self esteem. I've realized half of extended family doesn't actually want you truly happy. They just get jealous if you're happy, doing your own thing, have the freedom that they don't/ didn't, so they just try to control you by saying nonsense like that. They just want gossip over their chai and don't care. It's like kych toh log kahenge, unka kaam hai kehna types. It's one thing I despise about our Indian culture. There is no one more judgmental and interfering than us. Please don't take their words to heart.

The career is not important is also a time and again heard one. The amount of times I've been told to "quit" is ridiculous. Yet if I have any issues and am Financially dependent, I'm sure all those v people would run if I needed help. You do what makes you happy and ignore the rest as noise (I know this is easier said than done of course since I've been there)!

Marriage is an emotional connect- and whether through arranged setup, online dating, or whichever way, there will be someone that you'll have that emotional connect in the first few conversations - it will flow easily and it won't feel like you're making an effort!

Thank you for this 😊

It is amazing how acts of kindness from someone u don’t even know can uplift the mood so much

Keep spreading love and positivity like u do. 👍🏼

Mine was Arranged Marriage but later turned into love.

We both passed many high and lows in 10 months of our marriage but everytime we came out with flying colours with trust and understanding getting stronger then ever.

It doesn't matter whether it's arrange/love marriage . The understanding , trust and belief is the most important factor in having any successful marriage .

Since so many here are discussing parents.

I'm really afraid to see my parents' health deteriorate over the last few years. I keep dreading something bad will happen. And I just imagine my life without them...I feel it's so horrible. I don't know why I get such thoughts sometimes. It's disturbing.

I can't even discuss this with my siblings because it will disturb them too.

God, just keep my parents hale and healthy. I don't care about my marriage. I have a good job and get good money. I just want my parents and my family to be hale and healthy that's all.

Originally posted by: ponymo

Since so many here are discussing parents.

I'm really afraid to see my parents' health deteriorate over the last few years. I keep dreading something bad will happen. And I just imagine my life without them...I feel it's so horrible. I don't know why I get such thoughts sometimes. It's disturbing.

I can't even discuss this with my siblings because it will disturb them too.

God, just keep my parents hale and healthy. I don't care about my marriage. I have a good job and get good money. I just want my parents and my family to be hale and healthy that's all.

i can so relate to this...despite being married, i still stay close to my parents and am afraid to move away from them. Too much attachment.

Originally posted by: Flame.

I do understand what you're saying. I believe I am still very young to think about marriage, but I do crave other normal experiences that girls of my age go through. I sometimes feel like the loneliest person which makes it amply clear to me that it will get very difficult for me to live after my grandparents leave. They are the only ones who make me feel loved right now. But, I am also very acutely aware of the fact that I will never be able to get my mother away from my life. I could have done that before her diagnosis but not anymore. She doesn't have anyone except me as all my relatives hate her for what she did to me and only tolerate her now because I am unfortunately still connected to her.

Honestly speaking, after living like this for a few years now, I have kind of gotten used to it. I joke around with her, laugh, talk, plan stuff but dont feel happy. I do get to go out with my friends and meet new people but i dont let anyone in. My life is too messy and I fear being judged for the actions of my mother and the kind of person I have turned into now. It just feels unfair to waste a man's time over something that isn't going to go anywhere.

Talk with them and tell them while you appreciate their enmity on your behalf what you really need is help with her. They need to care about what's being done to you now more than what's been done to you. Together you might be able to figure out how to arrange or pay for a caretaker for her - if not permanently right now at least on a couple days a week so you can live you life outside of your mother. You need to take care of yourself and think about your future.

Originally posted by: Flame.

@Bold - I feel like someone just described me here. That's me!

I don't know how I do it but I have this tendency of pushing away any guy that seems even a bit interested in me. I am a straight girl who wishes to experience everything that my other friends do but I think I don't have the courage to step in to relationship. Due to some bad experiences in life, I just tend to believe that the guy will judge me and not understand anything about my life, so I feel why even start or encourage something that i may anyway have to let go later on. My fear doesn't let me even experience normal things like going on a simple date with someone who seems genuinely interested in me. I even don't know how to stay in touch when someone tells me to after a meet or two.

And frankly I have started believing truly that I am not meant for marriage. I grew up with the most manipulative mother (parents divorced when I was 6) who isolated me from my entire world, cut off my social connections and ruined every little thing systematically that I liked, loved, desired. When I finally decided to reach out for help and let her go, she was suddenly diagnosed with schizophrenia and a personality disorder for which she had to be at a mental asylum for over 3 months. Once she was back from there (she is completely normal now due to regular medicines), the responsibility of making sure she takes her medicines on time which she tends to skip for some reason fell upon me as my grandparents are too old (both 80 plus). If I ever get married then I have to leave her and that cant happen as I fear she may relapse.

Recently my grandfather spoke to me about looking for an alliance and that scared the hell out of me. Firstly, I can never even entertain the thought of marriage if I don't know the man for at least two years personally as i have seen only broken or unhappy marriages around me. And secondly even if my meet the nicest man on the planet who will let her be in the same house that I may move to, I can't let it happen as i know her too well and she is super manipulative and gets restless when she sees me in a happy place. Therefore, I have kind of made peace with the fact that I may never marry and I am okay with it. Even entering a simple relationship seems scary. Marriage is out of the question lol.

Dude our experiences are almost similar. My dad cut us off from the world while we were growing up & we didn’t really get to interact with others, esp my mum. Now it’s ok because with time, he’s changed and I also learnt to speak up & finally got him to realise what he did. So we’ve all started interacting more with the outside word in the past decade or so.

I also can’t leave my parents because I fear too much about what will happen to them. Recently they also spoke to me about marriage & I was scared. Same here.. marriage seems almost out of the question for me even though my parents tell me things like they’ll come live near me when I get married etc

Let’s not talk about marriage. Even a relationship seems out of question. I feel like all my life I’ve given so much that now I am tired. I hope someone can find me even though I know it doesn’t work like that? I feel like I’m not ready to take on another’s issues etc

Haven’t even gotten over the trauma of being inappropriately touched when I was young.

RE: my family - One day I don’t want to go out to lunch or dinner with the family and nobody else wants to go. If any of them are angry they or sad they need to speak to me. Previously there was taking care of my grandparents, bathing them, feeding them etc but they both passed away this year. Our family is even smaller now, with just my parents, my brother & I. Even he is not married & stays in his room, plays games & does his own thing.

Originally posted by: Flame.

I do understand what you're saying. I believe I am still very young to think about marriage, but I do crave other normal experiences that girls of my age go through. I sometimes feel like the loneliest person which makes it amply clear to me that it will get very difficult for me to live after my grandparents leave. They are the only ones who make me feel loved right now. But, I am also very acutely aware of the fact that I will never be able to get my mother away from my life. I could have done that before her diagnosis but not anymore. She doesn't have anyone except me as all my relatives hate her for what she did to me and only tolerate her now because I am unfortunately still connected to her.

Honestly speaking, after living like this for a few years now, I have kind of gotten used to it. I joke around with her, laugh, talk, plan stuff but dont feel happy. I do get to go out with my friends and meet new people but i dont let anyone in. My life is too messy and I fear being judged for the actions of my mother and the kind of person I have turned into now. It just feels unfair to waste a man's time over something that isn't going to go anywhere.

Same. I am also used to it.

I am 28 and I also just crave for a normal experience of having a crush, feeling for someone etc

I also feel very lonely & yes, only my family makes me feel loved though at times, they also make me feel very lonely.
I have also stopped letting others in.

Originally posted by: Flame.

@Bold - I feel like someone just described me here. That's me!

I don't know how I do it but I have this tendency of pushing away any guy that seems even a bit interested in me. I am a straight girl who wishes to experience everything that my other friends do but I think I don't have the courage to step in to relationship. Due to some bad experiences in life, I just tend to believe that the guy will judge me and not understand anything about my life, so I feel why even start or encourage something that i may anyway have to let go later on. My fear doesn't let me even experience normal things like going on a simple date with someone who seems genuinely interested in me. I even don't know how to stay in touch when someone tells me to after a meet or two.

And frankly I have started believing truly that I am not meant for marriage. I grew up with the most manipulative mother (parents divorced when I was 6) who isolated me from my entire world, cut off my social connections and ruined every little thing systematically that I liked, loved, desired. When I finally decided to reach out for help and let her go, she was suddenly diagnosed with schizophrenia and a personality disorder for which she had to be at a mental asylum for over 3 months. Once she was back from there (she is completely normal now due to regular medicines), the responsibility of making sure she takes her medicines on time which she tends to skip for some reason fell upon me as my grandparents are too old (both 80 plus). If I ever get married then I have to leave her and that cant happen as I fear she may relapse.

Recently my grandfather spoke to me about looking for an alliance and that scared the hell out of me. Firstly, I can never even entertain the thought of marriage if I don't know the man for at least two years personally as i have seen only broken or unhappy marriages around me. And secondly even if my meet the nicest man on the planet who will let her be in the same house that I may move to, I can't let it happen as i know her too well and she is super manipulative and gets restless when she sees me in a happy place. Therefore, I have kind of made peace with the fact that I may never marry and I am okay with it. Even entering a simple relationship seems scary. Marriage is out of the question lol.

I'll start with saying that your support towards your mother is admirable. AllThatCritique put is the best: "It takes a special type of courage" to take care of someone who has abused you.

But it's something I completely disagree with given your particular situation.

I, like presumably yourself, am a staunch supporter of family, preserving relationships, and making the best of things/seeing the best in people. But when it comes to narcissistic parents I don't think they deserve a second chance unless they can show significant remorse and an actual change in their behaviors. I was like you as well.

You, as a child or even as an adult, should not have been put into a position where your happiness was sucked away from you.

While I know nothing of your personal life beyond the details of this post and some later ones, I think we both agree that this isn't a likely possibility in the immediate, near, or distant future.

Please do not ruin your life to take care of a person who had no regard for your life. She is not your mother. She was never your mother. And she does not deserve to be treated or respected as a mother. Your priority is to pick up the broken pieces of your life shattered for no fault of your own, and try to put it together, for yourself. Distancing yourself from her is the first step. Therapy will be the second. Living life for yourself, finding true friends who support you through thick and thin, and creating the experiences and memories you want to create is the third. You deserve a life of your own, where you can take a deep breath and just smile. Not a fake smile. A genuine smile that brightens up the room and fills your heart with immense joy.

I will tell you that you will think of 1001 reasons why you will feel like you shouldn't leave your mother, why you need to take care of her, why you need to do be there for her, etc.. But there is only one reason I can think of that puts everything to shame - you have a right to be happy. Pursuit of happiness is one of the fundamental truths all beings are entitled to, and you certainly are no less of a being than myself.

Go out there and find yourself. Find the Flames that has been suffocating all this time and free her. It's going to be the worst battles you have ever faced, but I think with the combination of friends who support you (whether online or in life), therapy, and a passion to push forward, you'll be able to come out of this significantly better. If you ever need to talk, feel free to PM me.

**EXTRA**

This spot is just for some extra details that I wanted to discuss but didn't think it was appropriate to include above.

#Relatives

There is also something that bothered me while reading your posts, but I didn't include them above because I had no knowledge of it. This is based on nothing but speculation, so please don't be offended.

I read that your relatives hated your mother for what they did to you, but they tolerate her because of your living situation with her. Is this something they found out recently (when you tried reaching out for help) or did they know about it from the start?

#Taking Care of Your Mom

There are alternatives out there. AllThatCritique listed a few, but don't wait. Do it now or give that responsibility to someone else.

#Marriage

This is a marriage thread, so I should probably make a comment on marriage too to stay on topic. 😉 Do it. Find the person you want to be with - whether you meet him during your journeys or whether you fall in love with a proposal through some relative - because that's something you are allowed to do as well. You don't have to be prisoner ... don't treat yourself like one. 😊

- Shyam

(for the human touch, rather than some random stranger behind a UN guenhwyvar)

EDIT 1: added some skipped words.

Originally posted by: Harley_Quinn

Oh my my.😆You guys actually believed my made-up story.🤣You all really thought that I'm middle aged and alone and living with pets.🤣That bit should've given it away that I'm bluffing.😂 Sorry guys, if I made you cry with my tear-jerking story.😂 Actually I was just jealous that everyone here has their love story to tell but not me.😆But I don't want to have this image of mine in your mind :

🤣

Knew that the moment you said.. ran away on the wedding day. Too filmy. And, your profile pic n Middle Ages woman do not match. 😆