Member Topic: How many of you had an arranged marriage? - Page 22

Originally posted by: Unique.Sheep

Are you for real?

Originally posted by: AllThatCritique

Hey. Don't apologise for ranting. Rant away. Its better to get things like these out once in a while or you'd feel emotionally burdened beyond belief.

I want to give you some honest thoughts without filter which I think would help more than any sugarcoating. I read your story and what I can say with conviction is that on some level, your duty to them has taken priority over your duty to yourself. And it's a recipe for disaster for the future. You have to make yourself the main priority of your life. And taking care of your parents can fall in line with that goal as well. You want to be happy-taking care of your parents make you happy-so you take care of them. But you MUST question yourself what other things make you happy too.

I believe a talk is in order for the whole family. You're just 28, but you sound very emotionally drained and this happens primarily when you're the source of emotional well-being for everyone around you. For a year old 50, that seems okay but not for a 28 year old. In the long run, maybe after a few years or when they are gone, you will resent them for this. For taking away your best years. So it's better if you try fix that right now. I see a lot of guilt functioning as duty in your words which is a red flag as well. Your parents need you and it's wonderful that you are such a dedicated child but being their child cannot be your only identity. You are a person first whose needs have to be met. And you don't need a partner for that. More than anything else, one has to be emotionally ready for a relationship. But you're already so drained that taking anything on right now would be digging yourself deeper in the guilt hole. You need to get rid of the emotional baggage first from your tiny young shoulders. You need to set boundaries for others. Free yourself from the guilt. Parents and children are supposed to take care of each other but not at the cost of letting themselves go. Find a middle ground.

Whether it's now or later, you have to start living for yourself. This is just a mere observation but from the way you've described them- the kind of life your parents lead.. kind of cut off from everything else and depending on only you for emotionally dependency- you feel sad about it BUT it's exactly the kind of life you are living as well or will live after they are gone. Its a cycle of emotional codependency. The only difference is your parents can't change the way they live their lives now... Its too late but YOU CAN. Or you will fall into the same cycle sooner or later.

Its time to make yourself the main priority in your life. And you can. I assure you. Small baby steps and you will get there. Seeking and chasing your happiness is never wrong, never forget this. All the best :)

Excellent post! 👏

Binkuchkahe ~ I'm sure you love your parents and they love you (same with my parents too). It's not toxic by any means to love each other so much but it's not healthy either. Sooner or later, this will mess your life up.

Challenge yourself and push yourself to slowly establishing boundaries. Trust me, this will be better for your parents too!

Originally posted by: Sashay01

Thank you for sharing your experience- it has crucial and eye opening wisdom for most girls in India. The best thing you can do for yourself is to be financially independent and have the ability to meet your needs in case everyone and everything deserts you. Once you focus on that, the right person will emerge at a time when you are internally ready- this is how I've always seen it work. By working on ourselves from the inside out.

Society and people will always have stuff to say- whether you marry early, late or on time- it's a national past time to speculate about young women and give judgments. But parents and their daughters have to be strong and not take rushed decisions. Better to marry late than marry hastily and unhappily and then repent at leisure.

I'm glad you made it through and you sound like a very strong person. It's sad that people still run after fair skin...fair skin doesnt determine beauty or character. My mother looks like a spitting image of Madhubala, but she is dark. And yet I think there are people who are stunned when they meet her- because she has so much confidence in herself despite all the people who have told her "you would be so beautiful...if you werent so dark....". She just radiates beauty and good health from the inside.

Even in a state which proudly claims to be 💯 literate the skin colour obsession is unbelievable. Growing up as a dark skinned girl among light skinned sister and cousins was not easy. "With that features, if her skin was fair she would have been a beautiful girl" was the most common comment. An unhappy marriage , depression and the shattered life to the point nothing to lose made me a confident person. Now my friends and sister is very proud of me as I am genuinely happy and assertive and I guess it reflects on my personality.

Wish you the same and lots of luck and happiness. More power to you.

A couple of months ago ,all the media were discussing about a well planned murder of a young girl executed by her husband and family. The girl was from a rich family and the guy married her for money after collecting lakhs he decided to kill the girl . He knew that he will still get money through their kid however after enquiry police arrested him as it was proved to be planned murder. Apparently there were frequent demands and fights in their relationship and her parents were ready to give lakhs of money to make the marriage work . But they forgot that money can't buy love or respect and money minded people will be greedy always , if they put half the effort to make their daughter independent she would have escaped the ordeal.

Originally posted by: Sevenstreaks

I felt bad reading few of members experiences ... more power to you all ... Stay strong 🤗

And felt good to read happy posts :)

Stay blessed everyone ❤️

--------------------

This scene only crossed my mind OT 😂

https://youtu.be/g7uHtDzbtZw

🤣🤣🤣

no offence kya faltu ka praising hoi hai in faltu dramas ki🤢.

Originally posted by: BinKuchKahe.

Currently, the first step I'm taking is to quit my job because my boss has been demeaning me and saying abusive words to me for the past 1.5 years and I have finally gathered the courage to quit for my sanity and for myself.

It sounds messy.. it is, but I'm pretty content and happy with my life.

I don't know what more to say..😆

Why would he abuse you in the first place😲? How and why would you tolerate that , I can understand bullying or indirect jibes or pulling u down, but directly abusing u ??? This is just not acceptable behen!

Originally posted by: Harley_Quinn

Lol, true. Saath rehte rehte toh apne kutte se bhi Pyar ho jaata Hain.😆

Aye kutte comes first. I know this bitch woman who treats others like shit and then cries a river how humans shit and animals and especially dogs are troo lou🤔, khud toh vahiyaat wali harkat karti hai and when she gets a taste of her own medicine duniya ghatiya ban jaati hai.

Originally posted by: S_H_Y

Most in this thread arrange later become love

Like there was any other option

This thread was suga suga!! Needed a reality check😆!!

Originally posted by: Pain-in-ur-Neck

FYI - You can still support your parents and yet have your own life. You don't have to move out or desert them. You can find someone who's willing to see the attachment, bond and responsibility you have for your parents!

If girls can manage with guy's parents, I am sure other way around can work too!

Find someone who echoes your thoughts and vision. New relationships can start while holding onto the old ones. It's never mutually exclusive!

So never feel guilty for caring for your parents or being emotionally dependent on them. Family is there for that very same reason (-unless extreme toxicity which doesn't seem the case for you)!

I am someone who believes in being there for your loved ones especially your parents and I would extend the same reciprocation for my partner's parents tooa

There is no such rule that you have to move away from them to build a life for yourself. To each his own. Everyone's choices, lifestyle and priorities are different. So you do what you do best!

But ofc when the time is right, you'll eventually put in the efforts to look for that someone. Till then enjoy your single life with family! :)

P.S - There's also nothing wrong in NOT wanting any relationship or wanting to settle down with someone. Marriage or relationship aren't the be all end all goals!

WORD. 🤗🤗

Wish me luck.. hope i can find someone and do all those romantic things they do in dramas😆

Originally posted by: AllThatCritique

Hey. Don't apologise for ranting. Rant away. Its better to get things like these out once in a while or you'd feel emotionally burdened beyond belief.

I want to give you some honest thoughts without filter which I think would help more than any sugarcoating. I read your story and what I can say with conviction is that on some level, your duty to them has taken priority over your duty to yourself. And it's a recipe for disaster for the future. You have to make yourself the main priority of your life. And taking care of your parents can fall in line with that goal as well. You want to be happy-taking care of your parents make you happy-so you take care of them. But you MUST question yourself what other things make you happy too.

I believe a talk is in order for the whole family. You're just 28, but you sound very emotionally drained and this happens primarily when you're the source of emotional well-being for everyone around you. For a year old 50, that seems okay but not for a 28 year old. In the long run, maybe after a few years or when they are gone, you will resent them for this. For taking away your best years. So it's better if you try fix that right now. I see a lot of guilt functioning as duty in your words which is a red flag as well. Your parents need you and it's wonderful that you are such a dedicated child but being their child cannot be your only identity. You are a person first whose needs have to be met. And you don't need a partner for that. More than anything else, one has to be emotionally ready for a relationship. But you're already so drained that taking anything on right now would be digging yourself deeper in the guilt hole. You need to get rid of the emotional baggage first from your tiny young shoulders. You need to set boundaries for others. Free yourself from the guilt. Parents and children are supposed to take care of each other but not at the cost of letting themselves go. Find a middle ground.

Whether it's now or later, you have to start living for yourself. This is just a mere observation but from the way you've described them- the kind of life your parents lead.. kind of cut off from everything else and depending on only you for emotionally dependency- you feel sad about it BUT it's exactly the kind of life you are living as well or will live after they are gone. Its a cycle of emotional codependency. The only difference is your parents can't change the way they live their lives now... Its too late but YOU CAN. Or you will fall into the same cycle sooner or later.

Its time to make yourself the main priority in your life. And you can. I assure you. Small baby steps and you will get there. Seeking and chasing your happiness is never wrong, never forget this. All the best :)

Your words made me cry.

I'll admit I do feel scared wondering what I'll do if they pass away because my life revolves around them. Previously revolved around caring for my grandparents as well and they passed away this year and i was very sad because I used to wake each day with my grandmother's screams to take her to the toilet and bathe her and end with putting her to sleep. And without them around, I realised that my parents may also just pass away any time and I wouldn't know what to do without them.

Thank you for telling me this. I knew it but needed to hear it.

I want to try to create a life for myself beyond them but I don't know how to start?

For a start, I am finally going to speak to my boss tomorrow and tender my resignation. He's been demeaning and abusing (in a way) me for 1.5 years and I have finally plucked the courage to walk away from it for my sanity and for my ownself.

But in terms of family, I still feel a little stuck. I don't know what really I need to even do (as silly as it sounds)..

Any suggestions?

Originally posted by: Unique.Sheep

Are you for real?

Yeah, it's real. We were in a relationship for 9 years and I have loved him more than anyone in this world. We met in high school. I was a new student and he was the popular guy in the class because he was extremely good looking and charismatic.

At first we just interacted with each other like any normal classmates do. But then we went in a school trip, where we bonded with each other and became friends. We shared a good equation with each other as friends. We had a big group of friends who used to all types of fun. We bunked classes, went to parties and movies. He was the one who first made me try smoking and drinking.

After few months of being friends, he asked me out on a date. I wasn't surprised because he was giving me clear signals from past few weeks. We continuously went on dates and eventually ended up being being boyfriend and girlfriend. It was a great time for me, life became a wild ride. After passing high school, he had no plans for college but he only decided to join so that he could stay close to me. Even in college we had lots of fun. We were the popular couple. But after finishing college I realized that life is not all fun and games and we need to get serious.

He started to ask me for commitment but I wasn't ready for it. He started questioning my love for him because how can even after 7 years of being in a relationship, I'm not sure about him. He was right. I was being selfish because I didn't want to get married so early. I was just 25. But his parents wanted him to get married and he wasn't able to stall it anymore. He wanted to tell his parents about me but it wasn't easy. Because we were of different religion. He was a Hindu and I was from a Christian family.

He wanted to make sure that I'm serious about this relationship so that he could talk about us to his parents. I reluctantly agreed and he talked about us to them. As expected, they were completely against our love. My parents were okay so I didn't have to worry. But for him it was alot of work to convince his mom and dad.

After all the troubles, they finally agreed. But I was still in a deep confusion about my feelings. I was not sure that whether should I get married or not. I thought I was not ready to take the responsibilities of a wife. My lifestyle was still of a teenager. But I loved him, and if he could fight with his family for me then why can't I change my lifestyle for him? Only this thought gave me motivation till the wedding day, but I wasn't able to hold it anymore. I panicked and I ran away without thinking of the consequences.

When I returned back, everything was finished. The humiliation he and his family got in front of their relatives because of me running away from the wedding, I knew that he was never going to forgive me for that. I tried my best to apologise to him for my mistake, told him that I still love him, and he told me that he knows I love him, but more than me I love myself. That I always give priority to my feelings and comfort over everyone else.

I lost him, and after that I dated and had relationships with many guys but never loved anyone. He was the first and last love of my life. Typing all this has brought all the old painful memories back and regret in my mind. The regret of making that awful decision on my wedding day.

Now I'm an old middle aged woman living alone except few pets to give me company. My whole life could've been something else if I wasn't so insecure.

Originally posted by: VintageWine

Why would he abuse you in the first place😲? How and why would you tolerate that , I can understand bullying or indirect jibes or pulling u down, but directly abusing u ??? This is just not acceptable behen!

I always empathized and tried to understand him. So i forgave. He taught me a lot also.. he is an excellent lawyer.

Also, I have been accustomed and used to people putting me down so I took it.

But last week I got triggered by his words and decided, enough is enough. I deserve basic respect. No longer going to let anyone put me down.