Member Topic: How many of you had an arranged marriage? - Page 25

Originally posted by: flipfl0p

When we hate any aspect of our parents, we want to be the opposite. You felt your mother was selfish. Your solution is turning yourself to be selfless. No. Solution always lies in you being happy.
Are you being happy being alone? If yes, go ahead.
If you want to stay single only out of fear of failure, then it is not worthy. Half our problems are out of fear of failures and rejection. Say to yourself, “When I can put up this long with what I hate, I can survive rejection and failure too” and give it a try.
But yes, you have to put in effort to any relation.

I do understand what you're saying. I believe I am still very young to think about marriage, but I do crave other normal experiences that girls of my age go through. I sometimes feel like the loneliest person which makes it amply clear to me that it will get very difficult for me to live after my grandparents leave. They are the only ones who make me feel loved right now. But, I am also very acutely aware of the fact that I will never be able to get my mother away from my life. I could have done that before her diagnosis but not anymore. She doesn't have anyone except me as all my relatives hate her for what she did to me and only tolerate her now because I am unfortunately still connected to her.

Honestly speaking, after living like this for a few years now, I have kind of gotten used to it. I joke around with her, laugh, talk, plan stuff but dont feel happy. I do get to go out with my friends and meet new people but i dont let anyone in. My life is too messy and I fear being judged for the actions of my mother and the kind of person I have turned into now. It just feels unfair to waste a man's time over something that isn't going to go anywhere.

Originally posted by: Harley_Quinn

Oh my my.😆You guys actually believed my made-up story.🤣You all really thought that I'm middle aged and alone and living with pets.🤣That bit should've given it away that I'm bluffing.😂 Sorry guys, if I made you cry with my tear-jerking story.😂 Actually I was just jealous that everyone here has their love story to tell but not me.😆But I don't want to have this image of mine in your mind :

🤣

Even I fell for your story and felt really terrible imagining a lonely middle-aged woman typing her heartbreaking story. Good one 😆

Originally posted by: pathaka

Trying to navigate this arranged marriage thing coz I didn’t find anyone so far and my “clock is ticking” acc to everyone around me ...

but dunno why I feel very uncomfortable with it.
I always feel like I’m being judged, the question and answer process is mechanical like a job interview...I hate reading through biodatas and deciding from it..

Somehow I imagined getting married will have more of an emotional connect but haven’t found any such thing with the arranged marriage system yet...It feels very Much like a formal deal with no emotions..and some guys/ families can get so pushy for an answer after 1 meeting I get put off...

Also get irritated when a random guy texts me and I’m obligated to answer to him and all

Once tried going against my instinct and just saying yes to some random match I didn’t feel anything for...but couldn’t sleep all night and decided to go with my gut

I dread that I will get into a loveless marriage ..

Some of my family members tell me I don’t have the qualities for a love marriage...I still don’t know what that means but I’m assuming it means pretty, bubbly , social, attractive, likeable etc...which kinda made my self esteem plummet

So far no luck...not in a good place atm...thank god for work and a career Although I keep getting told to “concentrate on marriage” and how career is “not That important“
Life just feels a drag at the moment

First of all, a big hug to you. 🤗

Clock is ticking is such BS. There's no such thing. People are getting married later and later in life - and marriage is not the end all be all of our lives either. I wish families would think more about what the ramifications of compromising on the person and rushing into marriage are. I have seen both good and bad marriages around me.

And I'm so sorry some of your family members are saying things like you're not made for love marriage - I'm sorry but what crap. Everyone and anyone can have a love marriage - it can easily begin from the arranged marriage setup or not from that. It is not something reserved for some elite bunch. I know that it is much harder to ignore what families say vs random outsiders - but don't let anyone kill your self esteem. I've realized half of extended family doesn't actually want you truly happy. They just get jealous if you're happy, doing your own thing, have the freedom that they don't/ didn't, so they just try to control you by saying nonsense like that. They just want gossip over their chai and don't care. It's like kych toh log kahenge, unka kaam hai kehna types. It's one thing I despise about our Indian culture. There is no one more judgmental and interfering than us. Please don't take their words to heart.

The career is not important is also a time and again heard one. The amount of times I've been told to "quit" is ridiculous. Yet if I have any issues and am Financially dependent, I'm sure all those v people would run if I needed help. You do what makes you happy and ignore the rest as noise (I know this is easier said than done of course since I've been there)!

Marriage is an emotional connect- and whether through arranged setup, online dating, or whichever way, there will be someone that you'll have that emotional connect in the first few conversations - it will flow easily and it won't feel like you're making an effort!

I had a love marriage. My husband and I dated for about five years before we got married. Three of those we spent trying to convince his parents. I am from a different caste and a different region so they were dead set against us. They agreed because my husband refused to marry anyone else. Even though they agreed eventually they really did not like me initially. We live abroad so it did not matter much. Time has made things better. And now his mom will only listen to me about her medicines or visiting the doctor.

We did not have too many adjustment issues since we were living together for four years before we got married. However after 15 years of marriage I will say this, love or arranged you need to always work at your relationship. Kids bring you together but they can’t hold you together.

Originally posted by: BinKuchKahe.

I always empathized and tried to understand him. So i forgave. He taught me a lot also.. he is an excellent lawyer.

Also, I have been accustomed and used to people putting me down so I took it.

But last week I got triggered by his words and decided, enough is enough. I deserve basic respect. No longer going to let anyone put me down.

I am sorry, I shouldn't have been so blunt! Am glad your taking up for yourself <3! That's your first step. Just because you got to learn from him or work for him or whatever does not give him the right to throw tantrums or abusive words to you. Remember it is always a two way thing. The employer needs the employee as much as we need them.
All the best!

Originally posted by: Harley_Quinn

Oh my my.😆You guys actually believed my made-up story.🤣You all really thought that I'm middle aged and alone and living with pets.🤣That bit should've given it away that I'm bluffing.😂 Sorry guys, if I made you cry with my tear-jerking story.😂 Actually I was just jealous that everyone here has their love story to tell but not me.😆But I don't want to have this image of mine in your mind :

🤣

Was that really funny? I dont see whats too laugh about in it because you actually played with peoples emotions. At least have the decency to understand that someone might have gone through a similar thing and could be triggered by your story.

Really hard to believe any story on this thread. Who knows maybe all of them are trolling

Originally posted by: Veni-Vidi-Vici

Stay strong dear...invest in yourself...and look forward

Thank you dear 🤗

Originally posted by: Flame.

I do understand what you're saying. I believe I am still very young to think about marriage, but I do crave other normal experiences that girls of my age go through. I sometimes feel like the loneliest person which makes it amply clear to me that it will get very difficult for me to live after my grandparents leave. They are the only ones who make me feel loved right now. But, I am also very acutely aware of the fact that I will never be able to get my mother away from my life. I could have done that before her diagnosis but not anymore. She doesn't have anyone except me as all my relatives hate her for what she did to me and only tolerate her now because I am unfortunately still connected to her.

Honestly speaking, after living like this for a few years now, I have kind of gotten used to it. I joke around with her, laugh, talk, plan stuff but dont feel happy. I do get to go out with my friends and meet new people but i dont let anyone in. My life is too messy and I fear being judged for the actions of my mother and the kind of person I have turned into now. It just feels unfair to waste a man's time over something that isn't going to go anywhere.

Hey. First of all, you're very strong for doing whatever you can for your mother. To take care of a person who's abused you is never easy. It takes a special type of courage.

Secondly, if you want to get married you should. If you want/crave a relationship you should let yourself have it. Its very simple-You can't stop living your life for someone else. In the end you would end up hating yourself. And let me tell you something,when you find a good man he's gonna accept all the sh*t in your life, nomatter how messy just like you will of theirs. Its what partners do. Be as honest as you can with him. Someone who truly is life partner material will never judge you for your mother's actions. If they do, that's how you know. But you gotta put yourself out there and experience life.

This might sound bitter to you right now, but you are not obligated to take care of your abusive mother forever. Please know this. You can't dedicate your life taking care of someone who sucked the life outta you. As she grows older, you can check other options as to where to house her. Lots of senior citizen options these days.

Know this : You are not betraying her, you are giving yourself a chance to breathe. That is okay. You would need therapy for a while to get rid of the guilt but I promise you can do it. You deserve a chance at having abundance of love, a loving partner and a family of your own if you want so. One life, so take the chance to be happy.

Originally posted by: Flame.

I do understand what you're saying. I believe I am still very young to think about marriage, but I do crave other normal experiences that girls of my age go through. I sometimes feel like the loneliest person which makes it amply clear to me that it will get very difficult for me to live after my grandparents leave. They are the only ones who make me feel loved right now. But, I am also very acutely aware of the fact that I will never be able to get my mother away from my life. I could have done that before her diagnosis but not anymore. She doesn't have anyone except me as all my relatives hate her for what she did to me and only tolerate her now because I am unfortunately still connected to her.

Honestly speaking, after living like this for a few years now, I have kind of gotten used to it. I joke around with her, laugh, talk, plan stuff but dont feel happy. I do get to go out with my friends and meet new people but i dont let anyone in. My life is too messy and I fear being judged for the actions of my mother and the kind of person I have turned into now. It just feels unfair to waste a man's time over something that isn't going to go anywhere.

Why do you feel you gotta be around her just cause she's sick? Like guilty she kinda brought up or something?? Given that almost everyone hates her for the vile person she has been, I kinda shudder to think that you want to still stick around and be their for her.