Member Topic: How many of you had an arranged marriage? - Page 21

Originally posted by: Veni-Vidi-Vici

Never listen to those useless nosy aunties... My mausi tried to pressurise into marrying some useless guy because if I say no to the alliance then her husband will lose a friend.. Hell, my mausa knew the guy's father for just three months.. I had every right to say no, there were so many red flags about both the guy and his parents.. I convinced my mom and the matter ended.

Trust your instincts.. Put your feet down

i dont, they are just stupid gossip aunties😆

I said to one of them don't worry aunt, when the time comes I'll freeze my eggs cell. I think she did not get because the next day she called my mother and told her your daughter says weird things. While i am worried about her future, she talks about freeze and boiled eggs.😆

Trying to navigate this arranged marriage thing coz I didn’t find anyone so far and my “clock is ticking” acc to everyone around me ...

but dunno why I feel very uncomfortable with it.
I always feel like I’m being judged, the question and answer process is mechanical like a job interview...I hate reading through biodatas and deciding from it..

Somehow I imagined getting married will have more of an emotional connect but haven’t found any such thing with the arranged marriage system yet...It feels very Much like a formal deal with no emotions..and some guys/ families can get so pushy for an answer after 1 meeting I get put off...

Also get irritated when a random guy texts me and I’m obligated to answer to him and all

Once tried going against my instinct and just saying yes to some random match I didn’t feel anything for...but couldn’t sleep all night and decided to go with my gut

I dread that I will get into a loveless marriage ..

Some of my family members tell me I don’t have the qualities for a love marriage...I still don’t know what that means but I’m assuming it means pretty, bubbly , social, attractive, likeable etc...which kinda made my self esteem plummet

So far no luck...not in a good place atm...thank god for work and a career Although I keep getting told to “concentrate on marriage” and how career is “not That important“
Life just feels a drag at the moment

Originally posted by: Sevenstreaks

Interesting 😆

Do you have anyone in ur mind whom you want to seek revenge 😉

Still searching for someone to take revenge and marry me 😛😆

Originally posted by: BinKuchKahe.

Its hard for me to just shriek off responsibility because they are my parents, and I am also just not that kind of person. I actually love them a lot, even though it gets a little stiffing and tiring once in a while. The world may have turned their back on me, but at least when it came to the most crucial moments, I've seen them try to stand by me even though they may not quite understand or agree.

Sorry for the rant.. been holding it in for the longest time & now it just poured out.

FYI - You can still support your parents and yet have your own life. You don't have to move out or desert them. You can find someone who's willing to see the attachment, bond and responsibility you have for your parents!

If girls can manage with guy's parents, I am sure other way around can work too!

Find someone who echoes your thoughts and vision. New relationships can start while holding onto the old ones. It's never mutually exclusive!

So never feel guilty for caring for your parents or being emotionally dependent on them. Family is there for that very same reason (-unless extreme toxicity which doesn't seem the case for you)!

I am someone who believes in being there for your loved ones especially your parents and I would extend the same reciprocation for my partner's parents tooa

There is no such rule that you have to move away from them to build a life for yourself. To each his own. Everyone's choices, lifestyle and priorities are different. So you do what you do best!

But ofc when the time is right, you'll eventually put in the efforts to look for that someone. Till then enjoy your single life with family! :)

P.S - There's also nothing wrong in NOT wanting any relationship or wanting to settle down with someone. Marriage or relationship aren't the be all end all goals!

Originally posted by: Maroonporsche

It wasn’t just marriage. It was doing it in Pakistan. I never really spent much time there. But from Feb 2018 - November 2019 I took 7 trips there

It was like A phenomenon.

You are married😲

I'm still single much to my mothers horror 😂 I'm just not that interested in marriage in and of itself. If I meet someone that I feel can be my companion in this life then great, I'll marry, but otherwise I don't get the point of marrying for marriages sake. Whenever ppl talk about how great married life of i always rme coz of course its great when you're with the right person! What if I end up with a demon then what? And you never know with ppl tbh. Some are so good at hiding their real selves until they feel as though they've locked you down. My friend is going through an abusive marriage right now and we are all trying so hard to get her out. Its just putting me off marriage even more.

There's also the fact that I'm 100% child-free which somehow shockingly complicates my situation. Like I seriously did not know how many men want to be fathers before I started being open about it. I dunno if I'm dating the wrong men or what but every guy wants kids in their future! Ffs. I dunno if I'll ever find someone at this point. My mum is like 'just have one, I'll look after them' like 😂 Is becoming a mother that serious that you want me to pop one out just to abandon it! 😂 I dunno why society is so hung up on my womb. I get too many comments on my child-free lifestyle like 😞 can ppl just let me live! I sometimes regret being so open about it with my family. They've always got a slick comment to make. You'd have thought i committed a big sin by being unmarried and child-free at this point. I'm honestly dreading my 30th birthday. I know shits about to hit the fan. My mother has been making far too many comments about this. She has always been dramatic every year I've not been married since my 25th. Lord protect me from the drama thats about to head my way next month😭

Originally posted by: Deviant_Pixel

He’s from Lahore! Model town haha. Thank you!

Lahore is ❤️

Originally posted by: Harley_Quinn

Yeah, I got nervous at the last moment and ran away.

Are you for real?

Originally posted by: Veni-Vidi-Vici

Be strong, being independent gives more peace than a shitty relationship..

Oh yeah , I understood the meaning of freedom after the marriage. Solitude is any day better than being in a bad relationship.

I seriously don't understand why parents and relatives are so against love marriage. From what I have undergone, the kind of alliances I was forced to consider, I don't think I would have fared any worse if I chose to find love on my own.. The pressure the extended family put on me was too much.

Saying no to an alliance was viewed as a capital offence in my family.. I had my own set of preferences as to the kind of partner I wanted.. But everyone was chanting compromise compromise when I had already compromised so much..

I am a fair complexioned woman, I was slim at the time of my wedding and reasonably good looking .. I come from a financially stable family, upper caste, South indian hindu family .. Engineering graduate with MBA.. But when I was just 22 years of age and pursuing studies , my extended family wanted me to consider diploma holders with no stable job and a crazy Conservative family..One crappy alliance after the other.. Sheer torture.. And my father wasn't against that..i was viewed as a murderer for saying no.. There were absolutely no redeeming factors in them.. It was plain that they didn't want me to get a good groom

The extended family is like enemy in disguise. I cleared IELTS and was planning to migrate to Australia but the relatives were ready with free advice that foreign country is not safe for single girls and practically forced for marriage with the available option. But when it ended in divorce they were like migrate to some other country so that society won't be aware of my marital status. By that time I become bold enough to tell them that I am not going to leave the place and my work for society .

These people won't stop there , they have ready made solutions like try having a kid that will save the marriage.

Originally posted by: BinKuchKahe.

I won't call it toxic per se. Yes, it is not the healthiest relationship around, but its not like they don't intend for me to have my life. They do. They have never stopped me from going out or doing my own thing. They are actually very protective of me. It's just that they are very emotionally dependent on me because they have no one but me to talk to. They do little things to make me happy, like make my favourite food etc, though at the same time, they're not too emotionally supportive of my struggles. Part of it owing to the generation gap. I'd still call them a lot more progressive than many..

Sometimes, I do think of moving away and kind of just building my own life. But then.. I don't know how to explain that to them and even more importantly, I worry about my family & how they will live. They really don't have anyone else. I don't have anyone else but them either. My dad worked really hard to build us such a good life, and I want to give them the best, and be there for them.

To give you a little bit of context - my parents have their own company and its just 2 of them together in the office (no other employees) and also their office is interconnected to our house. They have no friends who they hang out with & no relatives (except those abroad) who they speak to once in a while & have strained relations with most of the others... my brother stays in his room, he's quiet & does his own thing. Lot of conflict between brother/dad, mum/dad etc.

Its hard for me to just shriek off responsibility because they are my parents, and I am also just not that kind of person. I actually love them a lot, even though it gets a little stiffing and tiring once in a while. The world may have turned their back on me, but at least when it came to the most crucial moments, I've seen them try to stand by me even though they may not quite understand or agree.

Sorry for the rant.. been holding it in for the longest time & now it just poured out.

Hey. Don't apologise for ranting. Rant away. Its better to get things like these out once in a while or you'd feel emotionally burdened beyond belief.

I want to give you some honest thoughts without filter which I think would help more than any sugarcoating. I read your story and what I can say with conviction is that on some level, your duty to them has taken priority over your duty to yourself. And it's a recipe for disaster for the future. You have to make yourself the main priority of your life. And taking care of your parents can fall in line with that goal as well. You want to be happy-taking care of your parents make you happy-so you take care of them. But you MUST question yourself what other things make you happy too.

I believe a talk is in order for the whole family. You're just 28, but you sound very emotionally drained and this happens primarily when you're the source of emotional well-being for everyone around you. For a year old 50, that seems okay but not for a 28 year old. In the long run, maybe after a few years or when they are gone, you will resent them for this. For taking away your best years. So it's better if you try fix that right now. I see a lot of guilt functioning as duty in your words which is a red flag as well. Your parents need you and it's wonderful that you are such a dedicated child but being their child cannot be your only identity. You are a person first whose needs have to be met. And you don't need a partner for that. More than anything else, one has to be emotionally ready for a relationship. But you're already so drained that taking anything on right now would be digging yourself deeper in the guilt hole. You need to get rid of the emotional baggage first from your tiny young shoulders. You need to set boundaries for others. Free yourself from the guilt. Parents and children are supposed to take care of each other but not at the cost of letting themselves go. Find a middle ground.

Whether it's now or later, you have to start living for yourself. This is just a mere observation but from the way you've described them- the kind of life your parents lead.. kind of cut off from everything else and depending on only you for emotionally dependency- you feel sad about it BUT it's exactly the kind of life you are living as well or will live after they are gone. Its a cycle of emotional codependency. The only difference is your parents can't change the way they live their lives now... Its too late but YOU CAN. Or you will fall into the same cycle sooner or later.

Its time to make yourself the main priority in your life. And you can. I assure you. Small baby steps and you will get there. Seeking and chasing your happiness is never wrong, never forget this. All the best :)