Inter cultural marriages - will work? - Page 3

Originally posted by: Anuradha

Yup... But unfortunately Di, here only girls get adjusted... Leave out the couples staying alone, but if its a joint family, then the girl definitely is forced to follow the culture of men...

I have seen it in many cases, in my family too.. My aunt is a North indian and followed punjabi culture... She is now forced to adopt to South Indian culture.. Why didnt my uncle change the culture followed?? Because my grand mother stays along with them and she wanted her to change...

thanks for the insight anu. yeah, i agree. girls are expected to adjust a lot more than guys as they r the ones leaving their families behind and coming in to new family. it'd have been great though if they followed both cultures...lot more celebrations and happy moments to share that way😊

sahana had said somewhere how the bahu brings in fresh ideas with fresh blood (the new generation she gives birth to) in to the in-laws family. how come then the kids she gives birth to r welcomed and gladly accepted but the ideas/culture is, at times, shunned? but that wld be another debate.

oh well, whatever works yaar. thanks for sharing ur views doll😊

Originally posted by: Gauri_3

thanks for the insight anu. yeah, i agree. girls are expected to adjust a lot more than guys as they r the ones leaving their families behind and coming in to new family. it'd have been great though if they followed both cultures...lot more celebrations and happy moments to share that way😊

sahana had said somewhere how the bahu brings in fresh ideas with fresh blood (the new generation she gives birth to) in to the in-laws family. how come then the kids she gives birth to r welcomed and gladly accepted but the ideas/culture is, at times, shunned? but that wld be another debate.

oh well, whatever works yaar. thanks for sharing ur views doll😊

Originally posted by: Anuradha

........
Anyways, coming back to the topic - i just have a doubt 😳 Which one do we call as Mother tongue? Is it the language spoken by the father or the mother?? 😆

in this case, whatever language the grand mom speaks😉😆

jokes apart, i feel the kids do grow up learning both...or at least having a fairly decent understanding og both. it will be natural for mom to sing loris in her own mother tongue...no matter what language is spoken at in-laws home....so kids will be exposed to both cultures...no matter what😊

Originally posted by: raj5000

Do you think marraiges where in spouses belong to different cultural upbringing and back ground work ? keeping in mind both spouses have average for compromising nature.

It can work if one spouse does not care much about the culture they were born into but if both spouses care equally about their own culture, it is hard on both spouses. In a cross cultural marriage, both are making many more compromises then an intra mariage couple does . I agree with Qwerty and Gauri that besides sharing love sharing language , food , social network and culture is what makes day to day life more enjoyable. My husband's brother got divorced from his english wife after 18 years. She was totally into Indian culture until one day she snapped and decided to change her life. She has no problems with him or their 2 kids but just does not want to live a life as a member of Indian family and left kids too with BIL.

Originally posted by: lighthouse

It can work if one spouse does not care much about the culture they were born into but if both spouses care equally about their own culture, it is hard on both spouses. In a cross cultural marriage, both are making many more compromises then an intra mariage couple does . I agree with Qwerty and Gauri that besides sharing love sharing language , food , social network and culture is what makes day to day life more enjoyable.

With all due respect, I dont really see how this would be a problem. Caring about your own culture doesnt require being possessive of your own culture. If anything, if your culture and heritage are something you are proud of, I'd imagine you'd want to share it with everyone else too. In a cross cultural marriage, I'd imagine this would lead to a beautiful fusion of cultures, with each partner bringing their own beautiful background to the marriage, and together creating something that they both are even prouder of. The trick ofcourse is being equally fascinated enough to learn more about your partners heritage and understanding that it means just as much to them, as your own culture means to you. Enjoying another culture does not have to mean giving up your own, and so I dont see why you couldnt enjoy the best of both worlds...hanging on strong to your own culture while embracing another person's way of life. Regarding sharing language, food and social network, certainly these can be acquired, provided there is enough love in the relationship. I know of a Filipino-Indian couple who do this beautifully...they cook both types of dishes at home (and I mean, really really traditional dishes from their own two parts of the world), sometimes amalgamate recipes from the two countries, and are trying to learn little bits of phrases from each others' languages. Ultimately, all it takes for such a marriage to survive is respect for where your spouse comes from - regardless of whether it is from a different country, culture or simply a background different from your own.

Just my two cents worth. 😊

Originally posted by: ~globetrotter~

With all due respect, I dont really see how this would be a problem. Caring about your own culture doesnt require being possessive of your own culture. If anything, if your culture and heritage are something you are proud of, I'd imagine you'd want to share it with everyone else too. In a cross cultural marriage, I'd imagine this would lead to a beautiful fusion of cultures, with each partner bringing their own beautiful background to the marriage, and together creating something that they both are even prouder of. The trick ofcourse is being equally fascinated enough to learn more about your partners heritage and understanding that it means just as much to them, as your own culture means to you. Enjoying another culture does not have to mean giving up your own, and so I dont see why you couldnt enjoy the best of both worlds...hanging on strong to your own culture while embracing another person's way of life. Regarding sharing language, food and social network, certainly these can be acquired, provided there is enough love in the relationship. I know of a Filipino-Indian couple who do this beautifully...they cook both types of dishes at home (and I mean, really really traditional dishes from their own two parts of the world), sometimes amalgamate recipes from the two countries, and are trying to learn little bits of phrases from each others' languages. Ultimately, all it takes for such a marriage to survive is respect for where your spouse comes from - regardless of whether it is from a different country, culture or simply a background different from your own.

Just my two cents worth. 😊

90% of all marriages survive because one partner has more say in it then the other even in the happy marriages and that is fine. Of course the first few years of honeymoon are great in all marriages and the couple looks cute esp the inter-racial couple, following each other around and doing just the right thing but eventualy when the kids arrive , the urge to promote one culture comes to the fore. I know all say that they follow and celebrate both cultures with kids be it hindu-muslim, hindu-christian, jewish-hindu but the reality is it takes a toll on the family and more then 40% of asian inter-racial couples eventualy divorce and the divorce rate between black and white couples is staggering 85%. these numbers are verifiable online. There is a rising trend in inter-racial marraiges and everyone knows a few inter-racial couples , but all of the ones I know Hindu-muslim, hindu-christian have all resulted in divorce, some after 20-25 years. There are exceptions but very few and far between and I think that is the point of this debate imo.

Originally posted by: lighthouse

90% of all marriages survive because one partner has more say in it then the other even in the happy marriages and that is fine.

I'm not married and so I'm not going to claim to be an authority on this one...but still, it just feels intuitively wrong that this would have to be the case. I cant imagine wanting to spend the rest of your life with a doormat who lives life exactly how you tell them. That's the success to a happy marriage? 😕

Of course the first few years of honeymoon are great in all marriages and the couple looks cute esp the inter-racial couple, following each other around and doing just the right thing but eventualy when the kids arrive , the urge to promote one culture comes to the fore. I know all say that they follow and celebrate both cultures with kids be it hindu-muslim, hindu-christian, jewish-hindu but the reality is it takes a toll on the family and more then 40% of asian inter-racial couples eventualy divorce and the divorce rate between black and white couples is staggering 85%. these numbers are verifiable online.

Cant speak for the 85% black and white couples, but if there is a 40% divorce rate in asian inter-racial couples, then there's a 60% out there that's happily married. 😛

There is a rising trend in inter-racial marraiges and everyone knows a few inter-racial couples , but all of the ones I know Hindu-muslim, hindu-christian have all resulted in divorce, some after 20-25 years. There are exceptions but very few and far between and I think that is the point of this debate imo.

I'd like to know (and I dont mean this in a you-go-get-figures-to-one-up-me kinda way, I mean this in a I'd-really-like-to-know kinda way) how the divorce figures for cross-cultural couples compare with divorce figures for same-culture couples. I doubt the figures would vary significantly with one another. My point being, if a couple is not right for one another, divorce will happen - regardless of their different ethnicities. Their different cultures/ethnicities in such a case would simply give them more fodder for arguments but I hardly believe that the REASON for the divorce itself would be their different ethnicities. Kind of like when you are angry at someone, and you yell out a whole bunch of different things at them, very few of which are related to the cause of your anger.

I guess you've come across cross-cultural marriages that just havent worked, and I've come across some that are working out just great. There are instances of success and divorce in both marriages. IMO, the success of the marriage is determined by the personalities of the individuals involved in it, and not necessarily their ethnic/racial/cultural background.

Originally posted by: ~globetrotter~

What I meant was that 90% of the time , it is the woman who makes more of the compromises and/or sacrifices. Anu had mentioned that too couple of pages ago about multi culture marraiges in her family. Although we had like it to be on equal footing, marriages are seldom that way and it doesn't mean the one who pitches in more is a doormat..I applaud Sonia Gandhi at living her life as an Indian woman ...It is all about negotiating your way into a comfortable arrangement so the marriage and the family can survive while keeping both people happy. It is what works for them and I wouldn't call an extremely submissive spouse doormat even as long as there isn't any kind of abuse or torture taking place.

Originally posted by: ~globetrotter~

I guess you've come across cross-cultural marriages that just havent worked, and I've come across some that are working out just great. There are instances of success and divorce in both marriages. IMO, the success of the marriage is determined by the personalities of the individuals involved in it, and not necessarily their ethnic/racial/cultural background.

Yes there are some multi cultural marriages that are great but as Raj stated in his opening post about the chances of success for reasonably well matched personalities who made required concessions to make it work, it seems to me that a lot more compromises have to made hence it is harder on oneself then if 2 similar matched people from the same cultural/faith were to be married to each other.