[5 Jan/15]
originally posted
here in AT 67THE EXPLANATION
*abhigya have resolved all misunderstandings*
*abhigya have confessed their love for each other*
*abhigya have finally had their suhaag raat*
*and abhi should be very tired because haaye, it takes a lot of energy to keep up with his chashmish*
*but still one thing is bothering him...*
*he now has chashmish in his arms, and she says she has him in her heart, but...*
*abhi pulls pragya close to him, so that her back is pressed all along his chest, and her head fits under his chin, and her hair spreads all over his shoulder...*
*he slides his hand up her hip, along her waist, and across her belly, until he has his arm hooked around her*
*she gives a contented, sleepy sigh, and cuddles against him*
*her hand drifts down to meet his, and she locks their fingers together*
*a: chashmish...*
*p: hmm...*
*abhi nuzzles her neck, burying his face in her hair and speaking his next words right against her skin...*
*a: chashmish...that double battery said once that...tumhare dil mein uske liye feelings thi (in your heart you had feelings for him)*
*chashmish goes still and silent suddenly*
*she pulls away from him and his heart leaps into his throat, a terrible feeling of negative anticipation stating to spiral in his gut*
*she turns to face him, but the only light in the room is from nearly-burnt down candles, so he can't quite see her expression*
*she slowly slides one soft, small hand up his massive arm...*
*p: when did he say that?*
*a: that night...when i went to beat him...*
*chashmish snorts...a sound between an annoyed huff and a suppressed laugh*
*p: that suresh naa...always the habit of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time*
*a: what do you mean...*
*p: you were there accusing him of having an affair with me and he had nothing better to say than that i once had feelings for him?*
*abhi feels choked and can barely bite out the next words*
*a: did you?*
*her hand drifts up to his face, and she runs a knuckle along his jaw, and there's a world of affection in that caress, but abhi won't be at ease until he has his answers...*
*he catches her and hand holds it tight, his voice is low and rough as he says again...*
*a: did you?*
*p: dil mein nahin toh sahi...lekin dimaag mein thi. (not in my heart. in my mind)*
*a: what is that supposed to mean?*
*p: i didn't know then...what love meant, what attraction felt like...our families wanted us together, and i wanted...i wanted a happy ending, and i thought it would be with him*
*abhi squeezes her hand, too agitated to think straight...*
*p: i convinced myself that i loved him, that i wanted him...*
*abhi starts telling himself off in his mind, he never wanted to hear this, he shouldn't have asked...*
*p: lekin suniye (but listen), none of it was real, or genuine...i was in love with an idea, a possibility, not a person...*
*abhi grunts a noncommittal noise, not sure what to say...*
*p: i did the same thing with you at first*
*a: what???*
*p: when you saved the hall...it changed how i thought about you, how i felt about you...it showed me that under everything you are a good person, and i started to respect you more, and i thought that was love...*
*abhi remembers how goofy she got after he saved the hall, how she seemed to develop a crush on him, infatuated like his teenaged fans...he hadn't appreciated it then but now he wishes she still got that way around him...well maybe not, it was scary actually, but it would be nice to have some of that silly, easily surprised chashmish back...*
*p: at the time i thought it didn't matter if you'd never love me, that any little scrap of affection from you was more than enough for me, because you deserved the world, you were such a good person...*
*abhi thinks about how that's how he feels about her now, and he feels guilty and ashamed that she could ever have idealised him like that because he didn't deserve it and he knows it*
*p: and when i left you because tanu said she was having your baby i told myself it didn't matter if it hurt me to be away from you, that since i loved you i should be happy if you were happy...*
*abhi recalls that whole mess of lies and confusion and wonders how she could have ever thought he would be happy stuck with tanu in a shotgun marriage...but then again it was exactly what he'd let her think at the time, because he had too many problems to worry about her feelings...and she'd been in love with him even then, oh god*
*p: and then...and then i learned how to live my life without you. and that's when i realized that it wasn't love. that once again i'd manufactured all these feelings in my mind. what i felt for you was...respect, affection, care...exasperated fondness, a special kind of tolerance that came from living together...*
*abhi squeezes her hand compulsively, and he wants to pull her closer and tighter but they're already skin to skin so there's not much closer to get. he realizes that she's explaining that there was a time when they were apart when she'd given up on the idea of them being together, and it hits him that he might have lost her then, and that feels so wrong he almost can't breathe at the thought of it*
*pragya squeezes his hand back, and shifts so that somehow she is indeed closer to him, and he accepts the gesture of reassurance...because they've made it after all, they're here together now, united and satisfied on all levels...
*p: and it wasn't until we had to get back together for daadi...and you started treating me like a person instead of joke or a burden...*
*abhi winces to himself because her words pack a punch, but again he reminds himself that they've made it...and that he has the rest of their lives to make up for ever treating her as anything other than the queen of his heart...*
*p: and we started fighting about real things, important things...about what was best for daadi, about what your family needed, about how you should spend your time...*
*abhi remembers shouting matches and cold silences and delicate, carefully-worded makeups...and how through it all, the hardest time of his life, she was there...and even when they were fighting he knew he could count on her, and that made all the difference...*
*p: and there would be days where i couldn't stand you...where i would hate you for your stubbornness or your blindness about some decision that felt important at the time but would seem silly now...but even on those days my heart would ache for you...*
*abhi is lost in serious thoughts, remembering how most of the time it had been a struggle just to get through each day, because it seemed like there was nothing to look forward to and he'd had to face difficult choice after difficult choice...he'd had no room in his mind or his heart for romance then...but still something had been growing, undercover of all the daily hassles and pains...an attachment, a dependence even, a need to have chashmish in his life, to know that no matter what he'd always come first for her, even if he had no one else in the world...even if he gave her nothing in return, though he'd never quite thought of it like that*
*p: and that's when i knew...that it was different this time. that it was love. because sometimes it felt miserable, but mostly it felt...just...right. not overwhelming and exciting, but just solid and steady and like...the bedrock of my world. and then when you started to trust me...and you started to notice and care if i was wearing myself out...*
*abhi remembers how in the last stretch of daadi's illness, his view of the world had actually opened wider, rather than closing in on itself as it had seemed on track to do. and he did start noticing when chashmish was pushing herself too hard, and he didn't like it...and their shouting matches took on a different tone...and instead of making up with words they would just cuddle at night and fall asleep next to each other, exhausted from emotionally draining days...*
*p: then i realized that you cared about me in a way you hadn't before. and i didn't know if it was love on your side...*
*abhi guesses that maybe it wasn't love quite yet, but it was the start of...something*
*p: well, and then, you know. daadi passed, i tried to leave you, you didn't let me*
*pragya tips her head up to face him and in the dim glow of the last candles abhi can just see that she is smiling her teasing chashmish smile and he wants to smile back but everything they've just discussed feels so heavy...*
*p: so there you are...you're in my heart, and in my mind, and now you've been...in my everywhere...*
*abhi registers her naughty tone and he can't believe she's say something like that but then again it's not the first time she's surprised him tonight, turns out there might be a lot still left to learn about his chashmish, and he likes that...*
*p: well? won't you say anything? you have your answers now, right?*
*abhi: i have to say...you must have been temporarily insane to think you felt anything for that double battery...*
*pragya slaps his arm but she's laughing rather than outraged when she exclaims, "abhi!"*
*abhi: and maybe you're more insane to love me now, after everything...*
*pragya: not after.
because of everything...*
*abhi: alright.
because of everything. but you're in my heart and my mind too, so we can be insane together, how about that?*
*pragya: that sounds about right.*
*abhi's inner devil gets the better of him and he's sure that he can finally put her to the blush with a last off colour comment so he says "and if you're interested in...my...everywhere, i guess we could talk about that*
*but once again pragya surprises him...she just pats his chest and says sleepily "tomorrow, maybe. let's explore tomorrow"*
*and then he wants to ask her just exactly what she means by explore, but she's dozed off...so he decides that maybe he'll just have to consider whatever she says...because they've agreed to be insane together...and there's nothing he wouldn't do for her...*
*well, probably nothing...!*
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