From the Diaries of...

Oh gosh, speaking of muscles, his biceps are just...er, focus Pragya. He's upset.

It was probably Tanu. She had been screeching at him more than usual, from whatever I had seen from a distance. I wanted to ask him what was wrong and how to make him feel better. But then again, who was I to barge into his business and into his life?

Funny thing was, I was actually supposed to be a huge part of his life. I was his wife, for God's sake! But only to the outsiders. Everyone thought we were this happy couple that had fallen in love through an arranged marriage. Only the two of us knew what our relationship really consisted of-nok jokhs, a few eyelocks and a sea of misunderstandings. Yet, amidst all of the above, I fell in love...with my so-called "husband." I found the good qualities in him through the cracks and though I'd like to think otherwise, I know there's no turning back.

The first few days when I had butterflies in my stomach as he helped me from tripping, I thought it was just because I'd never really had a guy in my life. But then I started dreaming about him all the time. I started hugging his shirts trying to inhale his scent when he wasn't home. A blush would creep up when others would tease us, instead of getting annoyed and overwhelmed per usual. I'd wake up a little earlier in the mornings so that I could tip toe over to his bed and stare at him to my content without him finding out. Because in those moments when he was asleep, he was mine. Only mine. I could look at him all I want.

"FUGGY!"

I was shaken out of my thoughts to see him staring straight at me, with one eyebrow raised. Uff, see what I mean? I was day-dreaming about him right in front of him!

"Thats the hundredth time I called you!"

"Wohh...sorry, I was thinking about someone special."

"Special? Who?," he paused and then smirked. "OHH, nevermind, I know who it is. All I can say is, keep dreaming babe. We're never gonna happen"

I was walking towards our closet when I heard him say that. At first, I froze a little. Did he know? How long has he known? And was this way of him rejecting me? But then I relaxed a little. This was him we're talking about. He had the habit of entertaining himself with such pompous comments. Its how he cheered himself up or made himself feel better.

However, I couldn't help feel somewhat hurt by his comment. Because somewhere deep in my heart, I knew I was lying to myself when I thought we could possibly have a happily ever after, like in those fairytales. He had a girlfriend (who's a witch with a big B, by the way), and he was happy with her. I know what he said a few seconds ago was supposed to be a harmless joke and I was over-reacting. But then again, he didn't have to rub it in my face all the time. Especially when half of those "jokes" were true.

"Fuggy, you're lost in thought once again! Dekho, I'm not interested in-"

"I wasn't referring to you, for your information," I cut him off. No way in hell was I going to let him feel good about himself after his little joke! However, where was I going with this? I had no idea.

"Then who were you thinking about?" I could tell he was grinning. Augh, he was so confident it was him.

"No one"

"You just said it was someone! And if its not me, then you should have no problem telling me who you were thinking about!"

"I don't want to talk about it!"

"Oh come on! Fuggy JUST ADMIT it was m-"

"SUNIYE, I DON'T KISS AND TELL, OKAY?"

*Insert crickets on loudspeakers in all of MM*

What the french toast had I just done. ME. KISSING? KISSING SOMEONE? WHATTT? Where did that even come out of? How did I possibly even blurt that out of my mouth? And that too, so loudly? God, please kill me now.

*Thump thump* *Thump thump* *Thump thump*

What was that noise? Why was it getting louder? What was goi- oh, never mind, it was just my heart beating out of control. Not only could I hear it because it was racing so hard, but he had stopped strumming his guitar as well. I scrunched my face and closed my eyes. What was the first step to damage control?

I turned around and took a peek at him. He looked dumbfounded, his jaw was hanging and his eyebrows were furrowed together. I tried to speak up, but the only thing that came out of my mouth was "I'll get you your coffee!" And the next thing I knew, I was pacing around the kitchen while making his coffee. What was I thinking? How was I supposed to fix this? Why was that the first thing that came out of my mouth?

Well, okay, I had been thinking about kissing him lately. Who wouldn't when you have such a hunk of a husband standing in front of you almost 24/7? Uff, talk about subconscious feelings coming to the surface.

I slowly made my way back to our room with two cups of coffee. I didn't know what or how I was going to fix this mess, but I had been pacing in the kitchen for the past half an hour. Surely it was time to face him. However, as I walked in, he was no where to be found. His guitar was placed back in its place on the stand and the lights were turned off. And the bedspread was still crinkled from him sitting, but it was empty. Frowning, I was about to leave when I saw the balcony doors open. And surely enough, there he was, leaning on the balcony railing, looking up at the sky. I took a deep breath and walked forward.

"Your coffee," I said hesitantly, not sure what to expect.

But he didn't seem to be listening.

"Suniye?," I lightly tapped his shoulder. He came out of his trance and looked down at her. "Your coffee."

"Oh, er, thanks." He seemed quiet. And I had hoped to brighten his mood just a little while ago. *sigh*

We stayed silent for a few minutes, letting the sounds of us sipping our coffee, crickets chirping and the Mumbai traffic off a distance overpower us.

"Suniye? I was just kidding about...the kiss. I haven't ever kissed anyone. I don't know why that even came out from my mouth."

He was still silent. Great, he wasn't going to believe me. Yet again. Nice going. I sighed a little too loudly.

Suddenly, I heard him ask, "You mean to tell me you've never been kissed by anyone?" I looked at him frowning.

"You don't believe me? I knew this was going to hap-"

"No, I just mean that I don't believe how no one has wanted to kiss you in your life. I'm sure some guy must have had the courage to go through with the act."

I scrutinized his comment for a few seconds. This paradoxical husband of mine. Was he complimenting me by telling me I was kiss-able? Or did he just insult me by assuming I've never been kissed because no one was interested?

"I chose not to get kissed."

And with that he started chuckling. "Fuggy, you don't just choose not to get kissed. If someone wants to kiss you, they can sweep you off your feet."

"Well in that case, I have been kissed when I was in second grade. I was coloring in my coloring book and the boy sitting next to me kept coloring outside of the lines. And he kept getting scolded by the teacher, as she had repeatedly reminded him to stay within the lines. He seemed like he was going to cry, because he was trying really hard to do as the teacher had told him." For a second, I stopped. Maybe he was getting bored of my conversation. Why would he care about something as irrelevant as my flashbacks to second grade?

But to my surprise, when I paused, he glanced away from the stars to see my face. "And then?," he asked, raising one of his eyebrows. His gaze was too strong for me to hold onto, so I turned my head and looked ahead at the rest of the view from our balcony. "I didn't want to see him cry, so I took one of his crayons from him and started showing him how to color within the lines. The teachers had kept telling him what to do, but no one bothered to show him. And that was all it took for him to understand. He followed my directions and you could see his happiness in his smile as he successfully colored the rest of the page."

"And then he kissed you?"

"No. Then at the end of the day, the teacher announced who's colored page she loved best, because it was a coloring contest. And I ended up winning."

"And then he kissed you."

"Arre! Listen to the whole story! I went up to the front of the classroom to get my little plastic medal. I was really happy. But then I saw the boy's face. He seemed really happy for me. And then I felt that I didn't deserve the medal. I was always good at coloring! But that boy had struggled to succeed in coloring that page that he was so proudly hugging to his chest. So I went to him, held his hand, and gave him my medal."

"...And then he kissed you."

I looked at him irritatingly. Was that all he could focus on? "YES, thats when he kissed me on the cheek."

"Do you remember that boy's name?"

I scunched up my nose, trying to remember. "No, I don't think we ever talked after that. That was our first week of school. And then he had moved to a different town the following week. And that was the end of it."

He stayed quiet for a little while. Then he sighed. "So you've been kissed before. But on the cheeks. Not on the lips?"

Thank goodness it was night time, or else he would have surely seen the blush that crept up onto my cheeks.

"No. And before you say anything further, I have CHOSEN not to be kissed yet."

"And who are you saving that kiss for?"

I stayed quiet. What was I supposed to say to that? He was my husband, so of course, he'd be the guy I kissed in a normal relationship. But as luck would have it, I was being asked by my non-existent husband who I was saving my first kiss for. And I couldn't even tell him it was him. Giving him a tight smile, I replied "For someone special."

He sighed, set his cup of coffee down on the table and got up. "Then I guess I can't sweep you off your feet yet," He muttered.

I looked up at him dumbfounded. Did I just hear what I think I heard? "Did you say something?"

He gave me one of his sloppy grins, which like always, started melting my heart. He shook his head. "No, nothing. Thanks for the coffee."

I looked down at my own cup of coffee. I was so busy talking to him that I never realized when mine got cold. It was still more than half full. This was one of our rare, normal conversations. And one of the first times when I was the one talking and him listening! And cherry on top, he was smiling for more than half of the time! I was surprised at how comfortably I had just had a conversation with him about kissing. Sure, it was about a kiss from second grade. But still. We weren't like other married couples. We were barely even friends. Add to that all the conscious and subconscious feelings I had for him recently. But it felt nice. It felt normal. Life felt normal, after a long long time.

"Fuggy?" I looked up, surprised he was still standing next to me. He bent down and gave me a quick peck on the cheeks, to my utter bewilderment. "I totally knew how to color within the lines. It wasn't my first time coloring. I just wanted the girl sitting next to me with the oversized glasses to give me some of her attention."

He gave me his drool-worthy grin and a wink. And with that, he went back inside to our room, while I kept my hand on my cheek where he had just kissed me, my eyes too wide and my heart racing too quickly to process anything he had just said.

What the french toast just happened...

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