From the Diaries of... - Page 6

He gently placed his hands on my waist and slowly pulled me towards him. I placed my own hands on his shoulders and kept my gaze locked with his. We swiftly moved to the subtle music that was playing in the background, though all I could hear was his smile. All I could feel was his whispers of how beautiful I looked. And even underneath the dark sky, where the only light source were the stars and the full moon, he could see the blush that crept on my cheeks and we tried to memorize every crease and contour on each other's faces. As if we had never gotten the chance to do so before. He slowly brought his hand to my cheek and gently caressed it as he kept smiling at me. I closed my eyes, trying to capture this beautiful moment forever in my mind...

"Beta"

I opened my eyes to find Daasi peering at me. I looked around and found myself in Daadi's room, laying down next to her sleeping figure. I had that dream again, I thought as I rubbed my eyes and gave Daasi a nod when she suggested I go to sleep in my room.

I switched the lights off and headed out of the room. We had a long conversation today. Well, actually, Daadi did all of the talking. I just sat there, expressionless, as she continued to tell me how happy she was. How she was planning to convert the guest room into the nursery, since that room was the closest to ours. How she and Daasi had already started knitting tiny sweaters for the little one. How they had ordered all these books for expecting mothers that she wanted to me to read to be fully prepared.

And all I could do was sit there and try to not let my guilt and restlessness overpower the hesitant smiles I gave to her in return. Sure, Daadi was going to be a grandmother. And yes, he was definitely going to be a father. But I wasn't the expecting mother. And only the two of us knew that tiny detail. And though it sounds cowardly, I was too scared to reveal this secret to anyone. At least not yet. Not when everyone in our khandaan was so estatic for us. I'd break their hearts, which I couldn't do. Even if that meant it was breaking mine.

I was walking back to our room after hours, probably last seeing my comfortable couch this morning when I got up to make coffee for him. Actually, I had seen him that long ago as well. Though Robin had told me that he asked for me quite a few times during the day. But I had been too engrossed in meeting Daadi's friends and relatives, who had come to congratulate us from lands afar, to go check up on him.

But in my heart, I knew that wasn't the only reason. I wanted to get used to living without him. And it was only a matter of a few days. Once Bulbul and Purab's wedding was over with, this would be the perfect opportunity to go home with Maa and then slowly break the news to the rest of the family. But in order to take such a drastic step, I needed to avoid him, no matter how much I longed to spend the last few moments of my time here with him. I had to stop gazing at his face in the mornings before getting his coffee. I had to stop having nonsensical arguments with him just to see the naughty smile on his face. I had to stop being around him and falling into these eyelocks that would bring about bursting feelings of love and adoration for him. It was for my own good. When a relationship was never meant to be, why let it overpower me, especially when its coming to an end?

I had been avoiding him for the past week, and I knew it was bugging him. Probably because he had to find his wallet by himself. Or had to deal with the expecting fatherly advice from the grownups on his own. Or because he had to figure out how to tame his expecting girlfriend by himself. There couldn't be any other reason. After I had confessed my love to him a month ago, his initial reaction was...well, nothing. He didn't say a word. He didn't have even a remotely subtle reaction. And then he started avoiding me, at all costs. Or when we'd be forced to sit or stand together, he'd start fumbling, looking everywhere else but at me. He was obviously uncomfortable with my confession. Furthermore, he kept meeting his girlfriend, kept going to hang out with her when the grownups weren't looking.

If that wasn't clear enough of his response to my feelings, he later outwardly rejected my confession...twice. Saying he wanted me to leave him alone and stay away. And if it could get any worse, I then found out about his girlfriend expecting his baby. Thats when every little hope that I was still clinging onto died. He didn't initially believe it, but after a visit to the hospital where his girlfriend's pregnancy was confirmed, even he didn't refute anything. Nor did I further question him. He had always made it well known since the first day of our marriage that he loved Tanu and that his relationship was only ever going to be with her. So why bother insult myself further and try to discuss the current happenings in his life, especially when he seemed to have no intention of wanting to discuss anything about it with me?

And so, from that day onwards, I avoided him as much as possible. I'd wake up much earlier than him and flee to the guest room if I needed to get more sleep. I'd stay back at night and sit with Daadi until I knew it was way past his waking hours. And if I happened to bump into him around the halls, I was quick to blurt out any one of the rehearsed excuses I had cooked up in my head to run away from him as quick as possible. But what was I supposed to do about those dreams?

"Fuggy, is this the appropriate time to be coming back to your room?" I hadn't heard that heartwarming voice all day.

Turning around, I found him seated on the chair next to the dressing table, with his legs propped up and criss-crossed on the bed. One side of his jeans folded up above his ankles. His hair messy, with a few bangs falling on his forehead. His toned physique hidden behind the solid white shirt he was wearing. Augh, stop checking him out! I blinked a few times before finally speaking up. "Wohh...no, I was busy."

"And where do you think you were to be coming back at this time in the night?"

"With Daadi. She wanted to talk and we kind of lost track of time," I lied.

"Next time, tell Daadi that nice, shareef girls don't stay out so late in the night. " I looked up at him to finally see the mischievous glint in his eyes and the grin slowly forming on his face. I gave him a tight-lipped smile in return and started walking back to the closet.

"Wait, Fuggy! Where are you going?"

"You said na? Nice shareef girls should be sleeping at this time? So thats what I'm doing!"

"Arre, when did I say nice shareef girls sleep at this time? I just said they shouldn't be sneaking back into their rooms so late in the night. Especially when they're expecting-" And then he stopped. We stayed silent for the next few seconds, as he realized what he was going to accidentally joke about. He extended his hand to grab mine, but then hesitated and set it back. "In fact, I was thinking, lets go for a drive."

"A what??"

"Long Drive!"

"At this time??"

"So what? Listen, I'm getting bored at home with all these wedding decorations! And even you've been cooped inside the house for the past week! Chalo na, lets go! Daadi won't even find out!"

Again, avoid letting feelings overpower reality. "No, its too late in the night, and I have lots of things to do in the morning. Just go to sleep." I started moving away, but he quickly came to block my way to the closet. "Captain Fuggy! You can spend hours with Daadi and can't spare me even a few minutes? We are going on a drive and that's final!" And before I could retort back, I was being dragged out of the room, down the stairs and out of the house.

The ride was unusually quiet. I would have expected him to scold at me for not being at his service for the past two weeks. Or him complaining of why I haven't been there when he's needed to lie to Daadi and the relatives about our supposed upcoming baby. But nothing. Did I want him to talk? Yes and no. No, because I was trying to avoid him as much as possible and he was making my job easier. But what if this was one of the last times we go out together? Had we actually ever gone out together as a couple, though? I smirked at myself, shaking my head. How could this be our last outing together? We never had a first to begin with.

I was so busy in my own thoughts that I never noticed when the car had stopped. I finally looked at him to see him watching me intently from the drivers seat. How long had he been staring at me like that?

"What?"

"Nothing"

"...Then why are you looking at me like that?"

"Was just trying to figure out what you're thinking."

"Figure out?"

"Haan, na! If you're going to smile and shake your head in a quiet ride, there must be something you were thinking about that made you smile."

Buddhu. Absolute buddhu. Couldn't even see the difference between a genuine smile and a sarcastic smile. I sighed and shook my head. "No, its nothing. Was just thinking about something Daadi told me."

"And what was that?"

Why was he so interested? "Woh...nothing. Its honestly nothing." I was too tired to even make up an excuse for him right now. He kept his gaze on me for a few more seconds before giving up and turning off the car. "Theek hai, if you don't want to tell me, thats fine. Ab chalein?"

"Where?"

He got out of the car and came around to the other side to open the door for me. He extended his hand out to me. "Tum chalo toh sahi, captain!" Though it was difficult to reject his adorable grin, I ignored his offered hand and got out of the car myself. That hand wasn't going to be there to hold my hand in a few days.

It was then I finally noticed where we were; the tides were crashing against each other, washing off as calmer waves on the sand. Not too far away off the shore, there sat a small food stall playing Kishore Kumar's "Pal Pal Dil Ke Paas," also providing the only light source this late at night. And that was it-there was no one else but us and the worker in the food stall. The tides were crashing so loudly that it startled me for a second. Before I could turn around to find him, someone was already holding my hand and squeezing tight. "Don't worry, I'm right here."

"Lekin who comes to the beach at this time?"

"Fuggy...this is the perfect time to come to the beach. No crowds, no traffic, no distractions. Just the beach and us. Ab chalo!!" He found some rocks to sit on that were close to the shore, but still far enough for our feet to not get wet. And I knew why he did that. He remembered how I feared water. "Do you want anything to eat?"

I shook my head and politely refused, suggesting that its too late to be eating anything right now. He sighed and said he'll be right back, heading towards the food stall. I looked back at the waves and the full moon that was illuminating the view.

Yeh kaisa rishta hai

Yeh kaise sapne hai

Begaane ho ke bhi, kyun lagte apne hai

Mein soch mein rehta hoon

Darr darr ke kehta hoon

Pal pal dil ke paas...tum rehti ho

I looked back at him, as he was still trying to decide what to eat. Indeed I was going to miss him. We had no good moments together, but he had grown on me. He didn't trust me, but I had come to see that he respected me as a person. He didn't love me, but he had come to think of me as a friend. He had told me that a couple of times now. And he was trying so hard for me to reciprocate his friendship. But like everything else these days, I had flat out refused, stating that I no longer wanted to be third-wheeling his relationship with his girlfriend. And like always, he wouldn't say much afterwards. How was I supposed to tell him that he was more than a friend for me? He was someone who I had come to love and adore? Jiski aadat ho gayee thi. Someone who I was going to miss my entire life?

He came back and handed me a small clay bowl. When I didn't take it from him, he took my hand and forced me to hold it. "Gosh Fuggy, you're being so stubborn! Kya hua hai tumhe?" I took a closer glance and gasped-gulab jamuns! A smile spread across my face as I counted them. "Gulab Jamuns are my favorite! Lekin I told you I wasn't hungry! And on top of that, you brought four for me!"

He sat down next to me, holding his own little bowl of gulab jamuns. "Arre, once in a while just go with the flow. Stop caring about the world around you. Just enjoy the moment." I shook my head, but continued smiling. I asked him for a utensil and he raised his eyebrows. "Umm, no we're going to eat these by our hands."

"WHAT?? But my hands will get sticky!"

"TOH? Again, Fuggy...enjoyyy the moment yaar. Forget spoons and forks exist!" And after giving him a good glare, I gave in and took out one hot gulab jamun. "Are they good?"

"One of the best I've had!"

"Good." And we stayed quiet for the next few minutes, silently eating our gulab jamuns. Why wasn't he saying anything? I didn't know what to talk about. We hadn't said a sentence to each other properly in a good two weeks, but I was still at a loss of what conversation to initiate. We really never had these moments where it was only the two of us. Maybe thats why it was so awkward. Awkward, but nice.

"Chalo, lets play a game."

"What game?"

"One person asks a question and the other person has to answer it."

"Like truth or dare?"

He gave me a naughty smirk and winked. "No, I didn't mean that, but we can play that if you want."

"NAHI!! Le..lets play the game you were saying."

"Okay, I'll start."

I waited for his question to come, but he kept staring off at the waves while eating his gulab-jamun. "Arre, ask na!"

"Hold on! I'm still thinking!" I rolled my eyes and continued eating my own gulab jamun. "Okay, I got it. If you were Katrina Kaif for a day, what would you do?" I pause and look at him in disgust. "Of all things, you want to know what I would do if I was Katrina Kaif? Seriously?"

"Yeah, why not? And be creative with your answer."

"I'd learn how to act," I scoffed.

"Fuggy, that wasn't a creative answer," he chuckled. "Acha? So then what would you do if you were Katrina Kaif?" He raised his eyebrows, with his naughty smirk returning. "Not Katrina Kaif," I quickly corrected myself,"...acha what would you do if you were Raj Kapoor?"

"Fuggy...seriously, I'm talking about Katrina Kaif and you bring up Raj Kapoor? You should have asked Ranbir, at least I've seen his movies."