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sia.krpkab

@sia.krpkab

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Posted: 8 years ago

#21

Yeh Dev ki maa ki aankh!! 😡

Originally posted by: tia.o
I only have one answer to that. "Paisa Bolta Hain."... 😉

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jasw

@jasw

Voyager

Posted: 8 years ago

#22

Excellent discussions to your post Tia. I kind of agree with PayalJ's post. I followed the first 3 points! 😃 Progress is still going on .. for the 2nd point!! Maybe I am at par with my in-laws now. Anyways my hubby can answer that!

My hubby and MIL are kind of 80% of DEV-Ishwari combination. I was like Sona for the first few years and my Dad was very much like Bijoy minus the shouts! (He was soft spoken but very strong minded and gave me the logical and sensible advice). Unfortunately love is blind, and I was totally blinded by my love and got married to my hubby. My folks were very much like Bose family, total fun and frolic. But at my in-laws place it was just the opposite ..all serious and all were under my MIL's influence. Everyone had to agree with her and her rules. My MIL was all about I, me and myself! In the initial days I also tried to join the league but she was never very happy with me and my happy-go-lucky attitude! So for me it was a transition from Elena to Sona!!! Life was tough but then I got pregnant and was looking forward to my baby. And life turned beautiful once she came in our life. As she started growing up .. I realized to my horror.. that just like my hubby they(my in-laws) started tutoring my child against me!!! That was the last straw! I chucked my job and told my hubby to take a job elsewhere as I could not see my child being weaned away from me. I am living a very happily married life away from my in-laws ..in another country.

I guess we have to take charge of our own life! 😊

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_Payalj_

@_Payalj_

Voyager

Posted: 8 years ago

#23

Originally posted by: jasw
Excellent discussions to your post Tia. I kind of agree with PayalJ's post. I followed the first 3 points! 😃 Progress is still going on .. for the 2nd point!! Maybe I am at par with my in-laws now. Anyways my hubby can answer that!
My hubby and MIL are kind of 80% of DEV-Ishwari combination. I was like Sona for the first few years and my Dad was very much like Bijoy minus the shouts! (He was soft spoken but very strong minded and gave me the logical and sensible advice). Unfortunately love is blind, and I was totally blinded by my love and got married to my hubby. My folks were very much like Bose family, total fun and frolic. But at my in-laws place it was just the opposite ..all serious and all were under my MIL's influence. Everyone had to agree with her and her rules. My MIL was all about I, me and myself! In the initial days I also tried to join the league but she was never very happy with me and my happy-go-lucky attitude! So for me it was a transition from Elena to Sona!!! Life was tough but then I got pregnant and was looking forward to my baby. And life turned beautiful once she came in our life. As she started growing up .. I realized to my horror.. that just like my hubby they(my in-laws) started tutoring my child against me!!! That was the last straw! I chucked my job and told my hubby to take a job elsewhere as I could not see my child being weaned away from me. I am living a very happily married life away from my in-laws ..in another country.

I guess we have to take charge of our own life! 😊

Congratulations first on having a beautiful married life. And all actions of yours sound very sensible. If immediately after marriage you would have revolted against your in law's your husband would not have agreed. Mainly because they would never have I'll treated him and for him the way he had been living till date would have been the right way, ingrained deeply into his psyche.

But your patience and love paid off and now you have a beautiful life ahead😊

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...Doctor...

@...Doctor...

Sparkler

+ 7

Posted: 8 years ago

#24

Originally posted by: Zeddriz7
True story indeed !

To be honest, I can't even imagine how much it pains in real life to experience what Sonakshi is going through... I know there may be a tiny bit of blame on her as well for trusting Dev, but I feel that poor girl has been trapped from all sides...

No matter what, I always feel Bijoy is an example of a good father.

I don't think there's a tiny bit of blame on Sonakshi, she played a huge part in her own downfall. With a father like Bijoy by her side, she could have easily left Dev and his mad family. Bijoy has been nothing but supportive, he has told her time and again to never lose her identity for anybody. Sonakshi is to be blamed for all the crap she takes from GKB/Neha/Ishwari/Dev.

Even now when everybody knows about the infertility, her father insisted to not go through the treatment of she wasn't comfortable with it but Sonakshi agreed to go through it because she blindly follows Ishwari's orders.

@Tia- Nice post. I don't know what to else to say. I see people rejoicing at the news of Devakshi romance and that makes me wonder if I'm living in the same world as them.

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sia.krpkab

@sia.krpkab

Navigator

Posted: 8 years ago

#25

Originally posted by: jasw
Excellent discussions to your post Tia. I kind of agree with PayalJ's post. I followed the first 3 points! 😃 Progress is still going on .. for the 2nd point!! Maybe I am at par with my in-laws now. Anyways my hubby can answer that!
My hubby and MIL are kind of 80% of DEV-Ishwari combination. I was like Sona for the first few years and my Dad was very much like Bijoy minus the shouts! (He was soft spoken but very strong minded and gave me the logical and sensible advice). Unfortunately love is blind, and I was totally blinded by my love and got married to my hubby. My folks were very much like Bose family, total fun and frolic. But at my in-laws place it was just the opposite ..all serious and all were under my MIL's influence. Everyone had to agree with her and her rules. My MIL was all about I, me and myself! In the initial days I also tried to join the league but she was never very happy with me and my happy-go-lucky attitude! So for me it was a transition from Elena to Sona!!! Life was tough but then I got pregnant and was looking forward to my baby. And life turned beautiful once she came in our life. As she started growing up .. I realized to my horror.. that just like my hubby they(my in-laws) started tutoring my child against me!!! That was the last straw! I chucked my job and told my hubby to take a job elsewhere as I could not see my child being weaned away from me. I am living a very happily married life away from my in-laws ..in another country.

I guess we have to take charge of our own life! 😊

Glad it is all settled for you now. Resilience and Courage - we all need different proportions of these two elements in different walks of life. But you are the judge of what is non-negotiable for you.

But the bottom line remains that your efforts (towards your in-laws) went waste, ultimately you had to separate to lead a peaceful life because it took time to knock sense into the husband.
But God forbid what if he still didn't agree to stay away from them? Then the efforts would have gone waste here too and would probably have continued to struggle. For you, the tipping point was when your daughter was been poisoned against you, which made you take this step of moving away - a step you could not take for yourself when life was tough for you.

Tia & I are advocating to take these steps for ourselves and not wait for too long. But each to his own and its natural that circumstances and people react differently in different households.

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Tinkerfairy

@Tinkerfairy

Voyager

Posted: 8 years ago

#26

Originally posted by: tia.o
I only have one answer to that. "Paisa Bolta Hain."... 😉

LOL right, tia did you read yash patnaik interview how he's justifying slap as to show character dynamism or whatever 😆 and Durjoy aur Mahaan nikla he's happy that viewers at least giving reaction to slap. Lesson learnt aage se kabhi iss PH Ka show nahi dekhna Hain. 😕

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Tia.0

@Tia.0

Sparkler

+ 6

Posted: 8 years ago

#27

Yes I agree. How much to tolerate has to be based on case to case basis. And yes, there are bad daughter-in-laws there as well.

But one point you made is certainly true. Because society forces the woman to move in with her husband's family and cultural norm blames the woman if she doesn't want to move in with her in-laws, the woman has to swallow insults and as you said her pride.

So the solution seems to be to have an equal marriage, create an even ground. Instead of making women move in with her in-laws, either the married couple live on their own after marriage making their own household so that both the life partner gets an even playing ground minus anyone's interference to figure out their life together. OR both of them move in with both side of the family under one roof and hence whatever challenges the woman is facing is also faced by the husband.

Unfortunately because women never rebel against moving with the in-laws, they will always be the one on the sacrificing end.

That is not to say that Sooraj Barjatya style loving family doesn't exist. They do. In that particular case, live a fairy tale life.

But there are only two situation a marriage happens - Arranged or Love.

In love marriage, the husband falls in love with the girl, chooses her as the life partner and marries her. As such it becomes his responsibility to make her comfortable and happy in his home or make a separate home for her where she is not facing indignity in the hands of his family.

In arranged marriage, the family chooses the girl as their son's life partner. As such, it becomes their responsibility to make her comfortable and happy in their own home and never make her feel like an outsider.

In either cases, either the husband or the family is responsible for keeping the woman who left her own family behind for them, happy and content.

If in either of the cases, the woman is treated like crap, then in the former, it's the husband who failed and in later case, the family failed.

But in neither cases, the woman should have to give up her own self-respect or pride to put up with insults. She didn't put a gun to their head and forcefully entered their home. But that's exactly how sometimes she is treated.

Originally posted by: _Payalj_

Tia what I wrote about was from a female perspective as to what a daughters is taught at the time of marriage. Decent families also tell their sons that marriage is all about adjustment. I have seen parents leaving their sons and staying alone when the DIL is too bad natured just so that their sons marriage doesn't break.

Television mother in law's are always shown abnormal. In real life ninety percent parents give their child advice to help them sustain their relationship.

Both the sides sacrifice to nurture a relationship. But the fact of the matter is that it's the girl who comes and starts living with a new family. If the couple stays separately, then so much adjustment is not required. Same way if the guy comes and starts living with the girls family he will have to adjust a lot.

A family is a complete unit and have their collective nature and unspoken rules. One has to learn to live within them. One cannot expect everyone to change for them.

Life can't be governed by what should be. Life is governed by what is and how to make it better. The mental satisfaction achieved by fulfilling one's ideals can't compensate for a lonely life.

So there is nothing wrong about adjusting a little and swallowing a bit of pride if the end result is good enough.

But that has to be decided on a case to case basis and there can be no universal rule which applies to all. a person has as to decide till what level he is ready to bend, for how much time aand whether his or her relationship is worth bending for.

But yes I will quote here something my mother taught me in childhood : when a storm comes, trees get uprooted but nothing happens to the small plants as they know how to bend.

Edited by tia.o - 8 years ago

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Tia.0

@Tia.0

Sparkler

+ 6

Posted: 8 years ago

#28

Good for you. I am glad it worked out in the end. That's what I wrote in my response. In India, when a woman wants to live separately with her husband, the in-laws and society always blame her as homewrecker or she stole their son etc etc. As if by choosing to make her home (which is by the way also their son's family), she had to steal their son, a consenting adult fully capable of making his own decisions, like people steal money from others.

But the fact is, most women want to live a happy life with their in-laws and that's the dream they see when they get married into a joint family. But when the family takes her for granted and tramples on her self-esteem, she'd have no choice but to move out.

You finally got your happy ending when you moved to a separate country and created an even ground for your marriage away from all interference and influences.

But my advice is for those women who don't have the option to move out. In that case, they have to stand up for themselves and make it clear to their husband that they expect the support from him as his equal, his wife or they will dish out equal insult to the in-laws making their life equally hell.

Keeping quiet and keeping their head down or trying to fit a pre-set mold might make them tolerate you, but won't ever respect you for your own self. Which is what I had said when Sona tried to change herself to make Ishwari love her. But did that get her anything? Nope. All she has left is no self-respect and no love either.

Originally posted by: jasw
Excellent discussions to your post Tia. I kind of agree with PayalJ's post. I followed the first 3 points! 😃 Progress is still going on .. for the 2nd point!! Maybe I am at par with my in-laws now. Anyways my hubby can answer that!
My hubby and MIL are kind of 80% of DEV-Ishwari combination. I was like Sona for the first few years and my Dad was very much like Bijoy minus the shouts! (He was soft spoken but very strong minded and gave me the logical and sensible advice). Unfortunately love is blind, and I was totally blinded by my love and got married to my hubby. My folks were very much like Bose family, total fun and frolic. But at my in-laws place it was just the opposite ..all serious and all were under my MIL's influence. Everyone had to agree with her and her rules. My MIL was all about I, me and myself! In the initial days I also tried to join the league but she was never very happy with me and my happy-go-lucky attitude! So for me it was a transition from Elena to Sona!!! Life was tough but then I got pregnant and was looking forward to my baby. And life turned beautiful once she came in our life. As she started growing up .. I realized to my horror.. that just like my hubby they(my in-laws) started tutoring my child against me!!! That was the last straw! I chucked my job and told my hubby to take a job elsewhere as I could not see my child being weaned away from me. I am living a very happily married life away from my in-laws ..in another country.

I guess we have to take charge of our own life! 😊

Quote

Tia.0

@Tia.0

Sparkler

+ 6

Posted: 8 years ago

#29

I don't know. I just read about the romance and cringed. I kept thinking about a movie I saw (an older movie), where a Zaminder had a mistress. And as old Bollywood style, the wife was a witch and the mistress had a heart of Gold. I forgot the name of the movie. Anyhow, both the wife and mistress had a son each. The wife insulted the mistress publicly and humiliated her. The mistress went home crying. The mistress's son vows revenge. In the meanwhile, the Zaminder comes to the mistress and pacifies her, sleeps with her, gets her pregnant again (this time a girl) but while the mistress was being insulted publicly, the zaminder was standing with "woe-is-me" expression watching silently. Yet expected to sleep with her once she was done crying.

Sounds familiar?

Originally posted by: ...Doctor...

I don't think there's a tiny bit of blame on Sonakshi, she played a huge part in her own downfall. With a father like Bijoy by her side, she could have easily left Dev and his mad family. Bijoy has been nothing but supportive, he has told her time and again to never lose her identity for anybody. Sonakshi is to be blamed for all the crap she takes from GKB/Neha/Ishwari/Dev.

Even now when everybody knows about the infertility, her father insisted to not go through the treatment of she wasn't comfortable with it but Sonakshi agreed to go through it because she blindly follows Ishwari's orders.

@Tia- Nice post. I don't know what to else to say. I see people rejoicing at the news of Devakshi romance and that makes me wonder if I'm living in the same world as them.

Edited by tia.o - 8 years ago

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Tia.0

@Tia.0

Sparkler

+ 6

Posted: 8 years ago

#30

I only have one response... Yuck thoo!!! 🤢

Originally posted by: Tinkerfairy
LOL right, tia did you read yash patnaik interview how he's justifying slap as to show character dynamism or whatever 😆 and Durjoy aur Mahaan nikla he's happy that viewers at least giving reaction to slap. Lesson learnt aage se kabhi iss PH Ka show nahi dekhna Hain. 😕

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