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Pehchaan.Kaun

@Pehchaan.Kaun

Sparkler

Posted: 8 years ago

#11

A very interesting thought just now crossed my mind, so would share.

There is this latest 2016 bengali movie Praktan. The story revolves around 3 people, 1 guy and 2 women. The guy/hero marries 1 girl in his young age, expects her to obey his commands on certain occasions, forces her on many things, doesn't consider to even discuss her opinions/demands if doesn't match with his, is not caring during her pregnancy, the girl goes through miscarriage due to the inhuman superstitions of his family members (MIL etc), doesn't appreciate her career and thinks of her boss taking advantage of her, basically shows ZERO responsibility after marriage. Yes at times the girl falls ill, he very nicely takes care of her, they romance a lot. Basically a young-age marriage. Finally the girl calls it off and they divorce.

Then the guy marries another woman whom accidentally this ex-wife meets in a train. The second wife unknowingly reveals some household tricks to get unconditional love from her in-laws. She mentions some very interesting lines - 'You let your MIL serve food to her son for first 5 yrs after marriage, you let your MIL decide the name for your baby, you let the inlaws handle your husband for initial few yrs, that's all, lifetime Return of Investment for 5 yrs of trouble only'. Eventually she also reveals how her husband takes care of her (which is VERY minimum yet better than how he behaved with his ex-wife though). The ex-wife does nothing but just sighs.

I find it very interesting. The second wife, although very jolly mature and lovely, has very minimum demands, doesn't bother about equality, doesn't think of her rights or what is right etc. And she makes this perfect peaceful family with this MCP guy. This makes me feel that we are not even aware of what is the right thing to do. We are taught to have minimum expectations from the husband, are taught to have a ratio of 90:10 on compromising after marriage, and are learnt to welcome it as our destiny. All MCPs keep getting such women in their lives so they don't even feel the necessity to change themselves. If we ourselves are not going to help us, none will. Things will not change until we initiate the fight.

@ Payal - Your post reminded me of this.

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_Payalj_

@_Payalj_

Voyager

Posted: 8 years ago

#12

@pehchan

See who do we trust the most in this world - our mother.

Same way which food is the tastiest in the world according to us- the one cooked by mother.

Same is the case with men. A guy is so used to loving food cooked by his mother that it is impossible for him to consider anything better than that (unless his mother was a seriously atrocious cook). This obsession for mummy's cooking is much more pronounced in men as compared to women. Even twinkle khanna in her Mrs funny bones column said that never try to get between a punjabi mother, her son and their food. It's the holy triad.

So it's not a matter of a females self respect. It does take a guy time to realise that his loving mother is actually quite capable of lying when it comes to his wife. Slowly as he observes various situations, he starts realising this and there comes a time when he starts trusting his wife more than his mother.

This has nothing to do with being an MCP , it is normal human behaviour, the same way a DIL takesytime to trust her own MIL over her mother. So if a bit of patience gets you a life time of happiness nothing wrong in it.

Regarding career, see both can't be equally career oriented at the same time and if they want to be, they should not produce any children.

But yes as I said, the final judgement of the level of patience to be shown has to be made basis the fact as to whether the husband in question is a C grade MCP or a genuine human being with genuine weaknesse

Edited by _Payalj_ - 8 years ago

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sia.krpkab

@sia.krpkab

Navigator

Posted: 8 years ago

#13

Dear Payal, you post is intriguing. Some thoughts in blue.

Originally posted by: _Payalj_
There are some home truths which every girl in India was taught at least when I was of marriagable age :
1. It takes years of sacrifices to build a stable relationship. (true, but has to be an effort from both sides)

2. all guys lean towards their own family in the beginning. So stay quite, be respectful towards everyone, keep your inlaws happy. Slowly and steadily your husband will start loving and trusting you more than his family. One day you will mean the world to him but you have to show tons of patience for that. (Realistically and ideally, its not about who you end up loving more, its more about being JUST and FAIR. Leanings will naturally go to the bloodlines both for man and woman, but when you get married, keep you marriage as a top priority and go through those changes together, simultaneously. )

3. Even if you are as educated as your husband, let your career take a backseat. Your income is supposed to be supporting. Don't be very ambitious. Sacrifice when needed for the sake of children and family. (Sorry, completely disagree to this. If your career is important to you, nothing beats that. I don't believe in this gender bias)

If one looks closely these advices are not wrong. I have seen my sisters and peers following them. Yes a few years painful life has to be borne but it ensures a very happy and mentally satisfying balance life in which there is genuine love and respect. Anti depressants and psychologists are never needed. (How do you start a journey of marriage on pain? Isn't this sounding like preparing for a cold war? )

But then it needs to be evaluated on a case to case basis as to whether such sacrifices are worth it? I struggled for several years in my marriage applying these same principles but then ultimately had to give up. I had a neighbour whose husband had an extra marital affair but her parents were not allowing a divorce citing ghar ki izzat. Ultimately she was murdered.

So then what is the acid test for determining whether the relationship is worth sacrificing or not: it's only and only the husband. If he is a decent human being only then it's worth fighting for your marriage. however crooked the In-laws might be, they will ultimately come around if husband is good. (I understand your point completely, its really about how worthy your partner is for all the sacrifices you are making)

In this case the husband himself is a lying cheating weakling who just doesn't love his wife enough to care for her feelings or take a stand for her. Why then does Sonakshi have to struggle so much to make his family happy or gain their acceptance? (I answered this in another post, i have a few maybe's as to why Sonakshi is suffering all this -
1) Sona truly, madly and blindly loves Dev - and she wants to be loved back, even if it means broken promises, lies explained with right/wrong/logical/illogical reasons and /or ignoring taunts from anyone outside her bedroom partner.
2) She probably feels that no one will love her more than Dev ever.
3) Most importantly, Her parents have been supportive, but haven't given her a stick for simply bearing and not protesting against atrocities of the dixits. This has led her to a point where she is always wrestling to 'somehow make it work' and adjust to no end.)

When the end goal itself is an utter waste, why undertake the journey?
(in the show, it wont be a waste, looking at the tide, the CVs will do a quick and dirty redemeption and make Sona-Dev live happily ever after. But in reality, its a grind for Sonakshi - she will have to live with it, until Ishwari will die. Thats the bitter truth of many women in real life. As I always say, marriage is a gamble, if you don't get lucky, you cant reverse it)

Talking of myself, I have been blessed with a great human being in my husband, who needed some conditioning. My first two years were painful, but I am a firm believer in give-and-take, and therefore, I made sure to return this favor to my in-laws and sometimes to my husband too. So today, we are equals. Ours is a new age marriage i would say, where I treat you the way you treat me.

Edited by sia.krpkab - 8 years ago

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randomramblings

@randomramblings

Navigator

Posted: 8 years ago

#14

Originally posted by: sia.krpkab
Dear Payal, you post is intriguing. Some thoughts in blue.

Talking of myself, I have been blessed with a great human being in my husband, who needed some conditioning. My first two years were painful, but I am a firm believer in give-and-take, and therefore, I made sure to return this favor to my in-laws and sometimes to my husband too. So today, we are equals. Ours is a new age marriage i would say, where I treat you the way you treat me.

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Tia.0

@Tia.0

Sparkler

+ 6

Posted: 8 years ago

#15

I agree with you. Bijoy is an excellent father. The first thing he did after finding out Ishwari's demand is research the consequences of such treatment because he was concerned for his daughter. Dev just agreed to whatever his mother said without even once trying to find out the consequences of such treatment. Simply because he doesn't give a damn what happens to Sonakshi as long as his mother's demands are fulfilled..

Originally posted by: Zeddriz7
True story indeed !

To be honest, I can't even imagine how much it pains in real life to experience what Sonakshi is going through... I know there may be a tiny bit of blame on her as well for trusting Dev, but I feel that poor girl has been trapped from all sides...

No matter what, I always feel Bijoy is an example of a good father.

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_Payalj_

@_Payalj_

Voyager

Posted: 8 years ago

#16

Originally posted by: sia.krpkab
Dear Payal, you post is intriguing. Some thoughts in blue.

Talking of myself, I have been blessed with a great human being in my husband, who needed some conditioning. My first two years were painful, but I am a firm believer in give-and-take, and therefore, I made sure to return this favor to my in-laws and sometimes to my husband too. So today, we are equals. Ours is a new age marriage i would say, where I treat you the way you treat me.

Dear Siya,

Whatever I said was for normal human beings. Dev and sonakshi have crossed that limit long ago. Dev is not even worth five minutes of sacrifice forget an entire year. As you rightly said the husband also has to be worth it.

Sonakshi - lesser said the better.

One point I think you felt strongly about was career. I later wrote in another post that if both want to be career oriented then please don't have children. Else for a few initial years of the birth of a child, the career has to take a backseat.

I have a child so i know. Some days the baby gets a fever, someday the maid doesn't come, sometime the child needs vaccination. And a thousand other reasons. All these leaves adversely affect the career. Or be magnanimous enough to dump him in the creche when he or she has fever and miss a few vaccines if the doctor is not available on weekends or best leave a small child with the maid or your husband and go on tour.

Normal husbands do pitch in but in case he also has an important meeting then it is always the woman who has to sacrifice. Plus there are something a mother does better like managing a wailing , irritated child

Edited by _Payalj_ - 8 years ago

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sia.krpkab

@sia.krpkab

Navigator

Posted: 8 years ago

#17

I agree with every word of your post below 👏
However, I can't help but feel bad for Sonakshi. She didn't deserve all this after doing so much. Zyada achha hona bhi gunah hai.

Dear Siva,

Whatever I said was for normal human beings. Dev and sonakshi have crossed that limit long ago. Dev is not even worth five minutes of sacrifice forget an entire year. As you rightly the husband also has to be worth it.

Sonakshi - lesser said the better.

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Tia.0

@Tia.0

Sparkler

+ 6

Posted: 8 years ago

#18

I only have one answer to that. "Paisa Bolta Hain."... 😉

Originally posted by: Tinkerfairy
One question dev kabhi Natasha ke "father " ko bhi thappad marta Kya itne Tashan se 😆

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Tia.0

@Tia.0

Sparkler

+ 6

Posted: 8 years ago

#19

Yep. That's the point I made. One woman escaped an ugly marriage and the other learned to change herself to fit the mold to keep the marriage. Again the same question, is it worth it? Is the person your husband loves who you really are or who he wants you to be? If you settle for crumbs, you won't ever get your fair share of the pie.

Originally posted by: Pehchaan.Kaun
A very interesting thought just now crossed my mind, so would share.

There is this latest 2016 bengali movie Praktan. The story revolves around 3 people, 1 guy and 2 women. The guy/hero marries 1 girl in his young age, expects her to obey his commands on certain occasions, forces her on many things, doesn't consider to even discuss her opinions/demands if doesn't match with his, is not caring during her pregnancy, the girl goes through miscarriage due to the inhuman superstitions of his family members (MIL etc), doesn't appreciate her career and thinks of her boss taking advantage of her, basically shows ZERO responsibility after marriage. Yes at times the girl falls ill, he very nicely takes care of her, they romance a lot. Basically a young-age marriage. Finally the girl calls it off and they divorce.

Then the guy marries another woman whom accidentally this ex-wife meets in a train. The second wife unknowingly reveals some household tricks to get unconditional love from her in-laws. She mentions some very interesting lines - 'You let your MIL serve food to her son for first 5 yrs after marriage, you let your MIL decide the name for your baby, you let the inlaws handle your husband for initial few yrs, that's all, lifetime Return of Investment for 5 yrs of trouble only'. Eventually she also reveals how her husband takes care of her (which is VERY minimum yet better than how he behaved with his ex-wife though). The ex-wife does nothing but just sighs.

I find it very interesting. The second wife, although very jolly mature and lovely, has very minimum demands, doesn't bother about equality, doesn't think of her rights or what is right etc. And she makes this perfect peaceful family with this MCP guy. This makes me feel that we are not even aware of what is the right thing to do. We are taught to have minimum expectations from the husband, are taught to have a ratio of 90:10 on compromising after marriage, and are learnt to welcome it as our destiny. All MCPs keep getting such women in their lives so they don't even feel the necessity to change themselves. If we ourselves are not going to help us, none will. Things will not change until we initiate the fight.

@ Payal - Your post reminded me of this.

Quote

_Payalj_

@_Payalj_

Voyager

Posted: 8 years ago

#20

Originally posted by: tia.o

Tia what I wrote about was from a female perspective as to what a daughters is taught at the time of marriage. Decent families also tell their sons that marriage is all about adjustment. I have seen parents leaving their sons and staying alone when the DIL is too bad natured just so that their sons marriage doesn't break.

Television mother in law's are always shown abnormal. In real life ninety percent parents give their child advice to help them sustain their relationship.

Both the sides sacrifice to nurture a relationship. But the fact of the matter is that it's the girl who comes and starts living with a new family. If the couple stays separately, then so much adjustment is not required. Same way if the guy comes and starts living with the girls family he will have to adjust a lot.

A family is a complete unit and have their collective nature and unspoken rules. One has to learn to live within them. One cannot expect everyone to change for them.

Life can't be governed by what should be. Life is governed by what is and how to make it better. The mental satisfaction achieved by fulfilling one's ideals can't compensate for a lonely life.

So there is nothing wrong about adjusting a little and swallowing a bit of pride if the end result is good enough.

But that has to be decided on a case to case basis and there can be no universal rule which applies to all. a person has as to decide till what level he is ready to bend, for how much time aand whether his or her relationship is worth bending for.

But yes I will quote here something my mother taught me in childhood : when a storm comes, trees get uprooted but nothing happens to the small plants as they know how to bend.

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