Hi guys, the last part is here. Before we begin, I want to take a moment to thank each and every one of you for reading, liking and commenting. Those of you who always comment, you don't know how much your words of encouragement mean to me. It makes my day brighter. This chapter is dedicated to y'all. Thank you is a small word to convey my gratitude.
Okay, enough of my sentimental rambling, Let's start..
She woke alone, in a bed she'd grown accustomed to sharing. She remembered vividly the events of the previous night; their fight, their loss. And how, through all this, she had ended up seeking solace from the one person who caused her so much agony. She smiled ruefully at the irony of it. Turning on her side, she first saw the nightstand she'd yanked open the day before. Unable to stomach the sight of it, she rolled onto her back, flinging an arm over her eyes. Persistent sunlight filtered through the delicate skin of her eyelids and she knew hiding was more than futile, it was cowardly.
So she lifted her arm off her face and let it fall above her head, resting on the pillow beneath her. Every damn thing in the bedroom triggered a memory.
The bathroom door where Dev had decided a no towel policy was a brilliant idea.
Effective immediately, he'd said, yanking the terrycloth from her form. Skin damp and hair soaked, she had yelped her surprise. Even as she'd tried to scamper back into the bathroom to get another one, he'd caught her wrists with a laugh and a kiss.
The recliner in the corner, where they'd spent countless nights, watching romantic movies together; Sonakshi had acquainted him with every rom-com under the sun, and he'd happily obliged.
She sighed. Staring at the ceiling didn't help either. Because she'd been staring at its tiles the day she lost her baby. She refused to address it and he refused to insist they talk about it. He'd let her cry and squeeze her pillow to her body so tightly it was still a wrung-out, battered mass of cotton. Exhausted, she'd slept. But she still hadn't spoken; it worried him, she could tell, even from the distanced fog she'd recently inhabited. But there was little she could do about it; she just had nothing to share.
Sonakshi blinked the tiles back into focus. They had shifted into a hazy sea of cream. Pushing the covers off, she went to the bathroom.
Twenty minutes later, she packed a bag and made her way to Ishwari's room. Ishwari was arranging some clothes in the closet when she saw Sonakshi walk in. Her movements stilled as she saw the bag in Sonakshi's hand. She offered her a small smile which Sonakshi returned. "Just wanted to say goodbye."
Ishwari's expression's immediately shifted from understanding to worry. "Goodbye? Where are you going, beta?"
"Home," said Sonakshi. "Just for a few days," she added hastily, watching Ishwari's expression.
"This is your home, Sonakshi"
"I know. I just, I need some time to deal with all this."
"I'm sorry" said Ishwari, her eyes downcast.
"You don't have to apologize, Maa"
"No, I have to. I am partly to blame for the problems in your life."
Sonakshi shook her head. "No, Maa. Dev and I had problems before my accident. We fought all the time. And he wanted a fresh start, so he chose to lie."
"No, Sonakshi. You did fight, but your anger was not just for losing your child. It was all the pent up resentment you had for Dev, bubbling up and bursting out. You finally had an outlet for your grief. Things wouldn't have been this bad if you both communicated better right from the very start, and my behaviour with you was the root cause of all the resentment between you and Dev. It's my fault that things got so bad that Dev felt he had to lie to get any semblance of happiness back" Ishwari finished, with tears in her eyes.
Sonakshi reflected on what her mother in law said. She remembered all the times she had let little things about Ishwari's behaviour pass, without reacting. But her lack of reaction bred a lot of resentment towards Dev, for not taking a stand for her and she took it all out on him when she had the chance, under the pretext of the pain of losing their baby. In all of this, she conveniently chose to forget one thing, it was his loss too. He had been a constant support to her through everything. He took all her anger, her mood swings without complaint, his love unyielding. And she'd exploited that.
She felt ashamed of herself. She was lost in her thoughts when Ishwari came and held her hand.
"Take some time for yourself, if you want beta. But please don't abandon Dev" said Ishwari "Again," she added, as an afterthought.
Sonakshi nodded mutely and left Ishwari's room. She treaded down the stairs and saw Dev when she entered the living room. He put the newspaper he had been reading down, the black and grey print occupied the cushion next to him on the couch.
They were silent as she sat on a dining room chair. Both he and the sofa were in clear view and she cleared her throat.
"I need to apologize," she said.
He gave her a curt nod and told her to continue.
"I - I was selfish." She licked her dry lips before trying again, "I was selfish in my grief." Hands open in a gesture of helplessness, she said, "I'm sorry."
His eyes softened. "Thank you," he said, his words a low rumble.
She nodded, wiping her palms on the thighs of her chudidar. Sighing, her shoulders lifted and then fell. "I should get going."
He frowned, standing. "Where?"
She shrugged, the gesture implying no place in particular "I'm going to Maa-Baba's for a few days"
"Sonakshi, we still need to talk."
After a sad laugh, she said, "No, no, we don't. We shouldn't. I don't want to fight with you anymore."
His brow furrowed. "I don't either"
"But that's all we do and I'm tired."
"So you're just cutting your losses then?" His voice was biting and caused her to straighten.
"No," she snapped back, "I'm trying to do the right thing before we say things we'll regret." After pausing for effect, she added, "Again."
He gave her his back and that should have been that. But instead of turning toward the front door, she walked closer to him, egged on by an ineffable desire to make him understand.
"We need this time apart, Dev" she said softly, her palm pressing against his rigid back. "You see that, don't you?"
He remained quiet, staring at some distance point above her head. His jaw clenched, carving out the hollows of his cheekbones. His normally warm skin was pale and the black of his shirt created a sharp contrast.
"I resented you," Sonakshi said, focussing on the third button of his shirt. She felt his eyes shift to her face. "I was unhappy about certain things and expected them to change. But how could I when I never told you?" She laughed and shook her head, her hair spilling over her shoulder. "I was so unfair." Regret lined her voice. "I'm sorry for that, too"
"I resented you," he said after a long moment. "And I never told you either."
Sonakshi nodded, her eyes lifting to meet his. "Well, there you go," she said, blowing out her breath. Giving him a half smile, she raised herself on her toes to kiss his cheek. "Goodbye, Dev" He smelled of lemon and soap.
"We - " His voice stopped her in the middle of the living room. "We were happy though. Sometimes." There was lilt in his voice, as if unsure she remembered despite all that had happened.
"Yes," she said, turning to look at him. Her eyes were now bright with emotion. She smiled over her shoulder. "Very." Then, her face somber, she walked back to him. "For whatever it's worth," she started, her hand reaching for his, "I think you would have made a terrific father."
His lips twisted. "I doubt it," he muttered.
His words caused her to squint up at him. "What was that?"
"Forget it." His hand fluttered in a dismissive wave and he moved past her to sit at the dining table with his paper.
Instead of leaving, she stayed in the middle of the living room. When she slowly turned, he was poring over the Sports section with an intent that was too casual to be genuine. He looked up. "You were on your way out," he said helpfully before turning back to the paper.
Resting her bag on the coffee table, she walked to stand next to him. His head was bent and he had no intention of acknowledging her, but she still waited.
"Dev," she said. When there was no reply, she slid the newspaper away from him.
He blew out his breath in a gesture of supreme impatience. "Yes?"
She ignored the tone. "Tell me you know it wasn't your fault."
"I know it wasn't my fault." He recited the words with an obedience that was maddening.
"Good. Now try it like you mean it." She touched his shoulder, imploring him to look up at her. "It was an accident," she said softly. "We made a lot of mistakes, but none with our baby."
Slapping a hand on the dining table, he looked up at her. "Thank you," he said, his voice dripping sarcasm. "Just.. thank you. I think the signs are pretty damn clear I shouldn't ever be a father, but thank you. Thank you, Sonakshi, because you telling me I'd be a good one? Well, that just makes it all better. Nevermind the fact, that you spent the entire last year trying to make me feel the opposite." He reached over to grab the paper back and snapped its pages with a violence that made her flinch.
She let him have the pretence of reading for a moment. Meanwhile, she marvelled at her ignorance. Her first shot at motherhood had been cruelly dismantled. And she became so self absorbed in her grief that she unknowingly started making Dev feel as if he was the reason for her pain.
And she hadn't even bothered to piece it together that all this while, Dev was suffering alone, for the both of them. All he wanted to do was to protect her from the pain. He made himself out to be the bad guy so that she didn't have to suffer. Closing her eyes, she mentally flogged herself. When she opened them again, he was reading the same column.
"Dev," she croaked. Swallowing, she tried again. "Dev." She ran her hand through his short hair, his head lifting with the motion. When she held his eyes, antagonistic and golden, she pressed her palm against his cheek.
She shook her head "I'm so sorry. I know I can't make it better. But you're going to be a father someday, Dev." She gave him a watery smile. "You deserve to be a father."
He cleared his throat, dismissing her words as he looked past her. "You should prob- "
She pushed forward. "You deserve to be a father, Dev. You deserve it." Her voice cracked and she stopped long enough to collect herself. She stepped closer, her hands sliding down his cheek to press against his chest. "This heart was meant to love children." Her fingers trailed down his shoulder. "These arms were meant to carry them." She exhaled. "And I couldn't have picked a better father for my child."
With a small inclination of his head, his cheek pressed against her abdomen, the heat of his breath reaching her skin through her shirt. Her arms lifted to cradle his head.
She cried then, but not for herself. Not even for their baby. She cried for him, for what he had been denied. He didn't get a chance to feel a father's love neither did he get the blessing of being a father.
They remained like that for what seemed an eternity. Then, slowly, Dev untangled himself from her and looked up at her, "I understand if you need some time" he said, standing to pick up her bag and move towards the door.
"I'm not going anywhere" she said, causing him to stop mid-stride.
He turned slowly to face her, his eyes wary.
"I just remembered something," she said.
"Another memory?" he asked, this time there was no fear in his eyes, for they had faced the worst.
She shook her head, "No. A promise."
He tilted his head in confusion. She continued, "We made vows to each other Dev. And I just realized, you've fulfilled each one of them whereas I couldn't do justice to a single one."
He opened his mouth to protest but she stopped him by a holding her hand up.
"You said you'd love me, even when you hated me. And you did just that. Through our worst moments, you never stopped loving me," she said, tears pooling in her eyes.
Dev crossed the distance between them and held her face in his hands, wiping away her tears, "Neither did you. Even though you said you hated me, many times, but you never made me feel that you did," he said, begging her to believe him.
Sonakshi shook her head, "Even though I may not have kept every vow, I will keep this one. I promised, No running," she said, smiling through her tears.
Dev's face lit up as he understood the meaning of her words, he linked his arms around her as he brought her close, "Are you saying you can't live without me, Miss Bose?" he asked, his tone playful.
She shook her head, once again, causing Dev to furrow his brows, "I can live without you. I just don't want to" she continued, "I don't ever want to."
As he looked in her eyes, Dev felt a lump rising in his throat, "I love you" he said, when he could finally manage to speak.
"As I love you" she repeated, as she brought her lips to his, their embrace so tight even air couldn't pass through. Dev held her close to him, lifting her off the floor, afraid she'd disappear if he let go.
After some more kisses, he finally put her down. Sonakshi was glowing as she looked up at him, and for the first time in a long time, he saw the old Sonakshi, the one who'd never faced the trauma of losing a baby. But she wasn't the same Sonakshi. She was a stronger version of her. Somehow, the baby, the accident, all of it had ended up making them stronger, and he finally let out a small prayer of thanks to some higher deity for giving them the strength to endure every curveball the universe threw at them. She completed him, in every aspect.
Sonakshi caught Dev looking at her and smiled, "We should celebrate," she said.
"With what?" he asked. Then he snapped his fingers. "Ice cream." He kissed her soundly. "Go get the mint chocolate chip."
She took umbrage, planting her hands on her hips. "And why aren't you going?"
Dev studied her, golden eyes narrowing. "I'll go if you tell me the day of the week we- "
She rolled her eyes and backed away. "I'm going, I'm going."
He watched her back as she jogged to the kitchen to get them their favorite ice cream. Part of him missed her already. He had experienced it enough to recognize that particular emotion. Warmth seemed past the cold misery of the previous day, and he knew there was something different. This brand of missing was the best kind. Because, he smiled, he knew she was coming right back.
-
Author's Note: So we made it to the end. Group hug🤗
I hope the chapter made sense. Thank you for sticking around for this. I'm forever grateful.
Do you want an epilogue?
Book Talk
Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi 2
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