Hi guys, Part 10 is here. Let's start...
He knew it was wrong, but he preferred her asleep. Her face, thought drained, was innocent, quiet, calm. It wasn't hurling accusations at him, it wasn't bleeding him dry as it demanded his guilt.
He'd be lying if he denied that the resentment she felt toward him wasn't mutual. He wasn't a saint, he'd never purported to be. To have her, with bright idealism infused in her every action and word, look at him as if he'd robbed her of what she'd expected out of life was more than difficult. It was offensive. It was unbearable. He was devastated to know she didn't care to spare a thought about how he felt about the situation. She lost her baby. But what about him? What about his grief?
Ofcourse he'd hoped she'd forget about the miscarriage. It was a gift he, too, craved. Why would anyone deny themselves such oblivion and a chance to start anew?
Even now, with the accident making their arguments from before seem like another lifetime, he shuddered to think about the shell of Sonakshi he'd seen after they lost the baby.
His mouth twisted into a rueful grin as he thought about the first onesie he'd bought in his life. It had been followed by eagerly purchased toys and paint samples for the baby room.
All of it had been too soon. You didn't start telling people until after the third month...just in case. But the just-in-cases didn't apply to them. Doctors were notoriously delinquent in adhering to their own advice; caution about first trimester mishaps hadn't even factored into their equations. Ishwari inferred what was going on immediately, when she found Sonakshi hurling her breakfast for the third time in a row. Soon Nikki, Riya and the rest of the family found out and before they knew it they were thinking of baby names. Dev and Sonakshi were oblivious in their happy bubble.
Yet fate, with dark sense of irony and punishment, had obliterated the carefully constructed strands of paradise. It had been raining that night, too, he mused, the wipers of Sonakshi's car working overtime to keep his vision clear. Then again, it was always raining here.
*Flashback*
"Yellow is gender neutral."
"I'm not trying to be politically correct; I'm trying to decorate a nursery."
She rolled her eyes, tossing a throw pillow in his direction. He deflected it with an elbow, his gaze never leaving the paint samples in his palms.
"What about green?" she suggested. "It also goes both ways."
"Green is for a boy," he said, frowning at the colors. Then his head jerked up. "Are we having a boy?"
She sighed. He'd been on her like white on rice since the first ultrasound. He had come up with some weird logic that Doctors were allowed to know the sex of their baby. "For the millionth time: I don't know."
"But the OB is your friend. She works with you at the hospital. Didn't she whisper it to you? Some sort of Doctor-Doctor code?"
"Are you even listening to yourself? It is illegal in our country to know the sex of the child, Dev. She hasn't told me anything. I don't know if we're having a baby boy or girl" said Sonakshi.
Dev pouted. "You'd tell me if you did?"
"I'd have the doctor call you before he breathed a word to me."
Satisfied, Dev turned back to the samples. He held the pink one closer and then the blue one. "What do you think it is?" he asked for the umpteenth time that week.
"It could be a girl..." she said.
"Yeah?" He smiled, one corner of his mouth curling upward.
"Or a boy," she finished. His smile vanished.
"Very funny," he said, chucking the pillow back at her.
With one hand, she tucked it under her shirt, smoothing the fabric over the new bump. Then she pressed her palms against her fake belly. He watched with obvious interest, the squares forgotten in his hands. "I'm going to get fat," she said.
"Not fat," he corrected. "Pregnant."
"You should wear one of those sympathy bellies."
He snorted. "Yeah, right."
Feigning offense, she pulled a face. "Jerk." Smiling, she leaned into him, grazing her nose against the hollow concavity of his cheek. "Besides, you're already kind of getting a gut."
His eyes widened. "Am not."
"Are too. Don't worry. I won't mind." She gave the skin of his abdomen a playful pinch. "It's more to love," she said, the words dripping with condescension.
He scowled at her, brushing her wandering hand away. "Don't do that. Don't take it out on me. I cant help the fact that you're getting fat."
She sat back, pulling the throw pillow out from underneath her shirt. "I thought you said I was pregnant."
"That was when you were being nice. Now, you're just fat."
She launched herself at him, knocking the tiles out of his hands and slapping his upper arms. He laughed and caught her easily, stilling the attack with his own hands. By the end of the battle, they were horizontal on the couch, their limbs entangled as they kissed.
"You know what I like about you?" Sonakshi asked, their heads close.
"Everything?" he guessed.
She nudged him with her knee. "You make me laugh."
He kissed her. "Laughing is good."
"Laughing is very good." She moved over him, bracing herself on the cushion beneath them. Arms circling her waist, Dev helped her balance. The dark curtain of her hair fell over his face and he lifted it behind her shoulder.
Once their tops were flung over the coffee table, they set to work on each other's pants, shimmying within the limited confines of the couch. They laughed soundlessly, kissing all the while, the distraction hindering their efficiency. When she finally freed her legs, he sat up in one fluid motion, taking her with him.
Sitting and facing each other, her body a head taller than him, he moved against her and she sighed her contentment. He drew in her exhale before leaning in to kiss the column of her throat. Giving him access, she let her head fall back, the ends of her hair tickling his hands. The tip of his tongue met the dip at the base of her neck and her fingers dug into his shoulders.
When they slept that night, her cheek was flat against his chest, her breath steadying and adjusting to mirror his. Before he slept, he rubbed his chin against the top of her head.
"Green's good," he yawned, the word drowsy.
"Dev," she called out a minute later. He sat up with a start, his eyes slowly adjusting to the darkness of the bedroom. The alarm clock read 3:58 in angry red font. They'd been sleeping for five hours. Or he had.
The sheets next to him were vacant, releasing the vestiges of her body heat with each passing moment.
"Sonakshi?" he said, his voice thick with sleep.
She appeared in the doorway of the adjoining bathroom, the light behind throwing her body into shadow. When he blinked again, he could make out her wan face and the sweat beading across her upper lip and forehead.
When she told him she was bleeding, he was wide awake. As if she knew something he didn't, she was sobbing by the time he got her into the car. Insensitive as it was, he wanted to tell her to stop, that it wasn't right to mourn something they hadn't lost. Not yet. Not for sure.
"Make a left."
He frowned, "The hospital - " he started.
"Not our hospital," she said.
Trying to look at the road and not at the damage that was visible on her nightclothes, he asked, "What?"
"Not our hospital, Dev. Take me to some other hospital."
He thought about protesting. But then he looked over at her. Sweat matted her hair and her face was pale. And then he thought about the doctors and nurses she saw everyday examining that which was most private to both of them.
He turned a sharp left.
Before six the next morning, it was done. The very clinical and polite professionals of the hospital he had taken her to, had cleaned up the chaos nature had created. They'd also very happily reported they saw no reason why it shouldn't be possible for them to try again in the future. Successfully this time, was the unspoken addendum.
She was staring out at the first rays of the new day when he entered her room, "I don't want to be here anymore," she said quietly, without turning her head.
Unable to disagree, he took her home, where she didn't sleep or eat or talk for the entire day. After bringing her yet another bowl of soup that would go untouched, he sat next to her in bed, his palm lifting to stroke back her unwashed hair.
Her eyes closed, when he touched her and, for some reason, that made him grateful. Maybe because such a reaction meant she was at least here, feeling things like his touch.
"I'm fine," she said then, her voice clear despite the long hours of disuse. She turned to him, "It's fine."
He nodded his agreement, because there was nothing he could say. His life, up to this moment, had left him ill-equipped to deal with such a situation. But Sonakshi was different. Sonakshi knew, with an unwavering belief that came from being loved by the people who counted, that she'd land on her feet. Some may have called that naive, blind, unrealistic. He called it strength and envied it.
The next morning, she was gone. Despite what she'd said the night before, panic flooded his entire system as he created a laundry list of the things to which grief-stricken patients sometimes resorted.
But she wasn't sitting anywhere with carved wrists or a loaded gun. She was at the hospital, her face bright and alert. He found her reprimanding a patient who wasn't following his diet.
She took one look at him and shook her head, asking him not to disturb her. Quietly, he left. He tried talking to her once she got home, but to no avail. Feigning tiredness, she went off to bed early, successfully avoiding talking about it. And it continued for the days to come. Each time Dev would try to talk about it, she would change the topic or feign ignorance. Reluctantly, Dev gave up. If she didn't want to deal with it, he wasn't going to pester her. Sonakshi found other outlets to express her grief. She started picking fights with Dev every chance she got.
He took it stoically at the start. But then it started bothering him as well. He started wondering whether Sonakshi blamed him for them losing their baby. Talking to her was no use, so he kept it to himself, hoping for a miracle to get his Sonakshi back.
*End flashback*
Sonakshi ran into their room as soon as they reached home, closing the door, leaving him alone to deal with his thoughts. He took out a bottle of scotch from his cabinet and poured himself a drink. After two drinks, he slowly trudged up the stairs to their room. He stood at the side of the bed looking at her sleeping form. From the tear tracks, puffy eyes and fetal position she had curled herself up in he knew that she had cried herself to sleep and the small corner of his heart not encased in anger and hurt, broke a little more. Slightly inebriated as he was and pulling his usual number of stoic for his family, he felt exhausted.
Home with Sonakshi, having her in his arms, was where he had always allowed himself to be vulnerable. Except he hadn't had that for the last year or so of their lives - he was just getting it back, when fate had again snatched it from him.
He hurt. More than he'd been able to articulate, more than he thought possible. He hurt for himself and he hurt for Sonakshi. He hurt for his baby who never got to live; the knowledge that he couldn't protect his baby ate at him. Most of all though, he hurt knowing that he'd lost Sonakshi too.
He prepared himself for bed, deliberately avoiding his reflection in the bathroom mirror. He was weary of viewing the image of the defeated, disappointed, extremely angry man in the mirror - well okay the anger was new or at least the acknowledgement of its existence was a novel approach for both of them. There's a reason he rarely visited his inner emotions and unfortunately it's a lesson he was doomed to keep on learning.
He climbed into bed and going against his most basic instinct, didn't reach over to pull Sonakshi in his arms. While he had calmed down somewhat, his anger was on a slow burn. They hadn't resolved anything yet. He knew he blindsided her. Under normal circumstances the Sonakshi he loved would never knowingly hurt him as she did, but they were nowhere near business as usual. Sonakshi turned over and even while asleep she naturally gravitated towards his warmth, burrowing into his neck and with her arm slung over his waist. He laid still as a statue for a moment, a scene from that night many months ago, when they were fighting, playing as a movie reel before his eyes - he'd pushed her away, he recalled. Physically removed her arms from around his neck, breaking a promise to himself with that action. He'd vowed to never again reject her when he got a second chance with their marriage.
Without further analyzing, he relaxed into her embrace, running his hand in a soothing motion up and down her back. It'd become his pattern, usually after they made love but also when they just lay in bed discussing each other's day or even when they were just too exhausted and fell straight into slumber.
Vacillating between sleep and wakefulness, his musings were interrupted when he felt soft kisses on his neck.
"Sonakshi.." he whispered groggily, slightly exasperated. Such inappropriate timing, as usual - it's the Bose way. "What.. what are you doing?"
"Shhh.. don't talk," she replied. She gazed into Dev's not totally alert eyes, her own eyes languid and this time she was clearly aware of the hurt she'd been too blind to notice before. She felt ashamed of herself. It was his baby too and in her quest for recovery she'd tunnel visioned her end goal - freedom from the never ending pain and grief. All she'd accomplished, was burying the pain and in so doing burying the knowledge of Dev's pain too. "Dev.. Please.. make it go away.. make the pain go away," she whispered, tears once again streaming down her face. "I.. " she started, not even sure how to continue, what to say.
"Shh, sweetheart, let's just get some sleep, okay? We'll talk some more tomorrow," he reassured her while thumbing the tears from her cheeks.
She nodded in affirmation, holding tightly onto the hands cupping her cheeks, afraid to release him, lest he release her.
Her forlorn expression tugged at his heartstrings and he pushed aside his emotions, his anger and pain, for the mind numbing solace of sex. It was almost desperate and neither of them were gentle, both afraid that if they expressed any other emotion aside from pleasure, the tenuous threads holding their marriage together would unravel. Thrusting frantically into the welcoming receptacle of her body, he was filled with an ominous foreboding, culminating in him switching their positions. She did not let up on the pace he'd set but once both achieved climax she slowed her movements to a gentle rocking and it had the bittersweet finality of a farewell. They fell asleep immediately after and in repose their dread of loss ended with them curling up into each other and clinging tightly, fearful of the symbolism of letting go.
-
Author's Note: So that's Part 10. Sorry it was a long one. This was written to give an insight into Dev's POV about the whole thing. His pain and his grief. They still need to talk. But in times of grief, they can't help but seek solace in each other.
Also, a lot of readers were wondering if Ishwari had anything to do with the miscarriage. I don't think Sonakshi would ever be able to forgive Ishwari or Dev if she lost her baby to Ishwari's antics. So I decided that Devakshi lose their baby the way normal people do - to fate.
Please let me know what you think :)
Edited by Malvika07 - 8 years ago
Bade Achche Lagte Hain Naya Season
