Walking To The Mirror.
"They come, they blame. They say I am responsible for my destruction. I am my own destiny, my path. But none ever told me what path to walk upon so how am I supposed to be my own destiny?"
Self control. I always laugh at the irony of the word. Remove self' from it and I have it full but the moment that disdainful word is added to it, I am a lost case. How amusing it is that I control everything around me but myself. I know what should go around and it does but when it comes to me I contradict myself in the worst way possible. I've always been told that people who have control on the things around them can control anything, are the strongest but never did anyone told me that they are the same people with nil control over themselves. They aren't the strongest of people but are the weakest of the lot.
When ever she comes within my personal space rather when I go to hers, I lose even the last ounce of control I had on myself. She has this kind of alluring pull which makes me want to keep her all to myself. She has this reassurance in her stance that she has my back, that it's okay if I am being plain Manik, without any of my guards, that I want to be just that. She has this appease in her touch that it makes me forget all that I need to remember. She has this belongingness in her eyes that I always feel that I am at her clemency; I feel that I can not lie to her anymore, not when I look at her in the eye.
Even now, I fight so hard to control myself; I am backing away from the moment which could have been solely ours. I am leaving her hanging yet again. It is Dhruv, again. I know I have this pull towards Nandini, I know that I have made my world around her, I know that without her it's all dark again, I know that she is my salvation, but for all I know, she isn't written in my destiny, she is written in Dhruv's. I can not take away what's rightfully is Dhruv's. Not even when I'll do anything, absolutely anything, to get this one person written in my destiny.
She stops me, shakes her head, and pleads me not to go, not to give up what was probably my only chance at being myself with her. She tells me off with her eyes, tells me that I should just drop off the entire fascia, that it isn't all that of a big deal if I just give in to the moment. She tells it all to me and as usual I give in to her demands. I never thought that there will come a day when I won't be able to say no to someone but here I am, incapable of denying her anything, incapable of telling her not to hope too much for all of it will be shattered.
She holds me within her embrace, lets her security overwhelm me. She tells me with her touch that she is there for me always, that I need not to be scared of this world anymore, that she will always look out for me no matter what. With her touch she takes away every single moment of agony that I felt without her. With her touch she takes away all the darkness within. With her touch she takes away all the doubt of my affection. With her touch she takes away all the guilt that consumes me. With her touch she takes away a part of me.
She questions me so softly, those words that left her lips, they weren't of doubt but were of trust. She trusted me with herself, she trusted me that I'll never give up on her if not for some huge reason. She trusted me that keeping her apart is the only thing I detest. She placed her trust on the fact that my world doesn't even exist without her. She trusted me so much that I did what she deserved. I told her the truth. I told her that she was right all along. I told her that she wasn't wrong in her beliefs, I told her that yes, she knows me the best and there can be no one but her who can do that. I told her everything.
While I told her everything, I kept asking myself, do I even deserve her? Here is the girl who gave herself away to me, who trusted me despite all that I did to her, who saw it all even when I tried to hide it from her, who always knew how to make me come around terms. And then on other hand is me who didn't even gave it a thought as to what she might be feeling when I did all that to her, who never even gave a thought that she may too have wanted something in her life.
But, what do I do, how do I know what should I do? No one ever stopped and taught me. Never did anyone told me that its okay, it's okay if you listen to your heart and not mind always. No one told me that I deserve happiness.
Likewise, no one ever stepped ahead to tell me that I deserve her too, everyone told me that how Dhruv deserves her and not me.
Because I hate her. Obsessively.
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