No One To Reign.
"Tell me, why would it matter to me who lives? Who dies? What goes around in the world? Why would I even care when all I see is my world falling down to bits in front of me, by me? Why would I even try to live when I have to let go of my very breath?"
Unfathomable agony swallows me up, making me estranged to the world around. If it were up to me I would drown down this world in my anguish, force them to feel what kind of hell I am going through. I have always known this world to be selfish, uncaring, unhelpful, destructive, hypocrite but never did anyone told me that in the same world I can find something so genuine, so shiny that I would want to keep it all to myself. When I finally found that guidance light, I was asked to let go, let go of the only thing that was different, so different from this whole world that it made me believe in the good... within me.
She looks up to me with those hopeful eyes, hoping that I won't snatch away the last straw from her she is clinging to. I try my best to avoid it, to shrug off the topic, to sway her away from her questions, make her forget her doubts. I start putting up questions forth her, complete astray to what she was talking about. I look anywhere but at her, in hope to find something to divert her mind. I hear desperation in her voice while she repeats her question. The lump in her throat so discernible, the need to believe all of it is not revenge so unambiguous, so significant that all I want to do is hold her to myself, wipe that susceptibility off her face. I want to tell her that once again she has seen behind my facade. Once again she has managed to strip it down. Once again she proved that she is the only one who knows me. Once again she understood me, I want to tell it all to her.
But I can't. I can't bare myself in front of the only person who has already seen through me. I can't let her know that what all she believes in is true. I can't let her feelings towards me grow. I can't let her tread on the path to dismantle it all. I just can't.
So I am doing what I always do, break her, mock her, hurt her, shatter her, bleak her. I am taking away what little was left in her. I am taking away the last of her light, her dreams, and her beliefs. I am crushing her beyond gathering, making sure that no more tears are left behind, making sure that nothing worse than this can happen to her. I am being a "Monster" to her.
To myself, I am being the harshest. Everytime I mock her, I mock away the prayers I was in. Whenever I break her I elevate the intensity of the dark I hate even more. When I hurt her I break the promise I did to her. While I shatter her, the trust I always craved for falls apart. Whilst I bleak her, I give up on the good she made me believe in. When her light goes away along with it goes the time when I wasn't afraid of dark for she was with me. While she is awakening from her dreams, I see myself in a black hole where I can't even see her. With her beliefs goes my wish to live. While I crush her I scratch myself until I am torn apart.
Now what's left behind is a wrecked child with no one to nurture him, tell him that darkness will fade away paving way to light. No one will ever come to tell him that he is a precious being, he is the reason behind someone's smile. No one will tell him that good can happen to him, that he can also live a life. No one will come and give him reason to live.
Likewise, I can not go up to Dhruv and demand her, the only person this wrecked child needs.
I can not because I am supposed to be a mere Monster - cruel and callous.
Kumkum Bhagya
Anupamaa
