Jokes - Page 49

MODERN WIFE

These are the type of women we should be marrying....Mordern women - so says the men?

It is a myth that when a son gets married and a new daughter-in-law arrives in the family, everything changes.
Some daughters-in-law are well trained and well mannered....They don't come to change the family, they are here to... (READ ON!)

The new wife was being welcomed at the husband's home in a traditional manner. As expected she gave a speech;
"My dear family, I thank you for welcoming me in my new home and family, firstly, my being here does not mean that I would want to change your way of life, your routine ."No, I will never do that, never in a million years."

"What do you mean my child?" asked the father-in-law.
"What I mean dad is (looking at her in-laws);

Those who used to wash the dishes must carry on washing them.
Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it.
Those who cooked should not stop at my account, AND
Those who used to clean should continue cleaning!!!

"And what are you here for?" enquired the mother-in-law.

"AS FOR ME, I'M HERE JUST TO ENTERTAIN YOUR SON!!!!!"

Thermodynamics of Hell


The following is an actual exam question given on a University of
Washington chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was so "profound"
that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which
is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law,
(gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or
some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they
are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to
Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state
that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do
not belong to more than one religion, we can project that most souls go
to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the
number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we lo ok at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because
Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in
Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately
as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.

2) If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during
my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep
with you.", and take into account the fact that I still have not
succeeded in having that event take place, then, #2 cannot be true, and
thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze."

The student received the only "A" given.
__________________________________________________

Thanks Caryn for the nice jokes.

What??!!!!! 😉 Another one........... got it this morning and could not help laughing. 🤣 No offence to anyone.

Love Story


I will seek and find you.

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,

The Flu

Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot!

Finally the ladies have found some good words to %^&$# the man. Keep it up
ladies...hah hahaha

When I stand up for
myself and my beliefs,
they call me a
bitch.


When I stand up for
those I love,
they call me a
bitch.

When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts
or do things my own way, they call me a
bitch.


Being a bitch
means I won't compromise what's
in my heart.
It means I live my life
MY way..
It means I won't allow anyone to step on me.

When I refuse to
tolerate injustice and
speak against it, I am
defined as a
bitch.


The same thing happens when I take time for
myself instead of being everyone's maid, or when
I act a little selfish.


It means I have the courage and strength to allow
myself to be who I truly am and won't become
anyone else's idea of what they think I
"should" be.

I am outspoken,
opinionated and determined. I want what I want
and there is nothing wrong with that!

So try to stomp on me,
try to douse my inner flame, try to squash
every ounce of beauty I hold within me.
You won't succeed.


And if that makes me a bitch ,
so be it.
I embrace the title and
am proud to bear it.

How to ask your Boss for a salary increase..?

One day you send a letter to your boss asking for an increase in your salary !

Dear Bo $$

In thi$ life, we all need $ ome thing mo$t de $perately. I think you $hould be under$ tanding of the need$ of u$ worker $ who have given $o much $upport including $ weat and $ervice to your company .
I am $ure you will gue $$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.
Your $ $incerely,


The next day, you received this letter of reply :

Oh my dear:


I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NO t doing NOticeably well as yet .

NOw the newspaper are saying the world's leading eco NOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into a NOther recession. After the
NO vember presidential elections things may turn bad.

I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.

Yours truly,
Manager

Nice one Caryn.Did you try this method? Just joking ma.

Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock ( MADE IN JAPAN ) for 6 am. While his coffeepot ( MADE IN CHINA ) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG ). He put on a dress shirt ( MADE IN SRI LANKA ), de! signer j eans ( MADE IN SINGAPORE ) and tennis shoes ( MADE IN KOREA ). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet ( MADE IN INDIA ) he sat down with his calculator ( MADE IN MEXICO ) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch ( MADE IN TAIWAN ) to the radio ( MADE IN INDIA ) he got in his car ( MADE IN GERMANY ) filled it with GAS from Saudi Arabia and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his Computer (MADE IN MALAYSIA ), Joe decide to relax for a while. He put on his sandals ( MADE IN BRAZIL ) poured himself a glass of wine ( MADE IN FRANCE.! ) and turned on his TV ( MADE IN INDONESIA ), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in ... America.....

😆 😆 I didn't try Kavi. 😆

This older Jewish man was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to receive the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me ... your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."