I screwed it up, badly. I didn't sleep well all night. She didn't have nightmares. The next day when she got up, I held her. I pulled her into my arms.
"Mauli, I was just scared. I had some horrible flashbacks of...that time when I pushed you away...plus your nightmare... I said. She wasn't having any of it. She freed herself.
"I want to go home. Now! She demanded.
"Mauli, listen to me. I love you. I can't live without you. I just don't want to hurt you and bring back traumatic memories... I explained. She had been too hurt last night.
"Then you shouldn't have come back. You shouldn't have married me again. You should've dumped me and left like you did once. She shouted. Then she came closer. "I'm sure dumping me would've been easy. She said. Her eyes were so full of pain.
"No, it wouldn't have been easy. Just listen to me...the nightmares... I couldn't finish the sentence.
"I'm the one having the.. .not you! She shouted. "You have hurt me badly, Kunal. You did it 6 years ago and I think you're getting ready to do it again, grandly! She was crying.
"No, Mauli. No, please don't think this way. It is not true. Please don't give up on us yet. it's horrifying for me to see you like that. It happened twice and both times it was after we...were intimate. That makes me question myself. It makes me feel like there's a connection ...and that's... I stopped. She was crying and packing her clothes now. I held her by the arm and brought her closer to me. I tried to wipe her tears away. "I don't need you to wipe my tears. She said. I stood there motionless. I threw my stuff in my bag too. We went home. The kids were thrilled to see us and we were relieved to be reunited with them again. Mauli slept with the girls that night in their room. I was terribly guilty for ruining our honeymoon . Mostly, I was afraid that I'd scarred her again, perhaps beyond repair this time. Somewhere, the fear of losing her began to pinch me as well. What if I pushed her to the brink and she asked for a divorce? I would probably not survive it this time. My only hope of happiness was Mauli. It would also destroy the kids' lives. I shuddered at the thought.
She resumed work the next day and so did I. I missed her badly all day at the hospital. We were working at separate hospitals. I thought about what I could do to slowly fix the situation. The doctor had mentioned consistency and patience. Mauli wasn't going to be easy to handle now. She had taken her car to work and I decided that now I'd drop her and pick her from the hospital daily.
Once my day was over, I called her.
"Yeah... she said.
"When are you going to be done? I asked.
"Like in half an hour. Why? Is everything ok? Are the girls ok? she asked.
"I'm just getting into the car. Stay there. I'm coming. I said. I picked flowers for her on the way and reached her cabin. She was just stepping out.
"Hey.. I smiled at her. She looked tired. I fixed her hair behind her ears.
"Hi. She said. I gave her the flowers. I took her hand and we walked out.
"I'm going to pick and drop you daily, if that's alright with you. I said. She seemed surprised. She didn't reply. She was quiet in the car all the way home.
We had dinner together. I helped her with the dishes. I played with the girls while she ironed her clothes.
"Papa... Mishti said. She came and sat in my lap.
"Mhmm?
"Sunday is Mothers Day. She told me.
"That's right! Now I remember. Thanks for reminding me, pumpkin. She smiled. "Today me and {ari made cards for Mumma. I want to buy her a gift but I only have 5 rupees. She said.
" A whole 5 rupees. Where did my princess get so much money from? I asked. This made her laugh.
"I know it's not a lot. I can't even buy her chocolates. She said. Pari came and both sat on my lap together.
"Well, how about if I take you both shopping for Mumma? I suggested. Their faces lit up.
"Really, buddy? Both of us? she asked. After giving her a bunch of kisses I confirmed that I was indeed serious.
"But girls, we have to keep it a secret from Mumma. Ok? I asked Mishti.
"Ok, Papa. She said. She kissed me on the cheek. "I love you... She said. "I love you too...always will. Promise. I said.
"Pinkie promise? she asked. I nodded. I kissed her on the nose. She went back to her room. Pari stayed in my lap.
"Buddy, I missed you. She said.
"I missed you more, jaanu. Are you happy with Dadi, Dida, Mishti, and your new Mumma? I asked. She nodded.
"Buddy, me and Mishti wanna sleep with you both tonight. Please, can we buddy? Please, Buddy. She begged.
"Ok, ok, ok! Done. She said. Pari jumped up and down and went to tell Mishti about the plan.
They slept with us. Thankfully, it was a peaceful night for us all. Both the girls clung to me in particular so I couldn't move much. In the middle of the night, I woke up and went over to Mauli's side. She was smiling in her sleep. "I'm sorry for hurting you...for every wound I've inflicted...intentionally and unintentionally but, I will never run. I whispered. I kissed her forehead.
The next morning, after the kids went to school, I waited for Mauli to get ready.
"Come, let's go.. I said.
"But Kunal, won't you get late? Our hospitals are in 2 different directions.
"I won't. I said. I got her breakfast along the way and then picked her up again after work. We continued to do the same all week. We had the weekend off. Sunday was mother's day. I had to take the girls shopping. I wanted to gift Mauli some jewelry. Mishti and Pari were thrilled about being able to give Mauli something so pretty. I had to buy stuff first Dida and Maa.
Everyone could tell that something wasn't right between me and Mauli. No one asked for the fear of that doubt getting confirmed. Maulistill avoided me. She still seemed hurt. I called the psychiatrist I had spoken to during our honeymoon. She said it was difficult for her to understand the entire issue and advise me over the phone. I asked her if she would be able to meet me. I wanted to ask her some questions. I wanted to know from her perspective whether I was on the right track so far.
Sunday was mother's day. Everything went as planned. The kids and I decorated the house for Mauli. We decided to give her breakfast in bed. They wanted to give her their cards. I'd gotten Mauli earrings. I wrapped the little box up. In the morning, as planned, I got up early. Maa and I set things up and the kids took breakfast to our room.
"Morning Mumma, Happy Mother's Day. They both said in unison.
Maulis POV.
The two little angels served me breakfast. Mishti gave me a handmade card and a red rose.
"I love you, Mumma.. she said. I gave her kisses. The card said mumma is the bestest'. "Awww, my baby is the bestest too.
Pari seemed a bit hesitant. "What is it, Pari? I asked. She turned and looked at Kunal who was standing a bit behind them. He gave her a smile. "Pari is feeling a bit shy. This is her first Mother's Day. He said. I grabbed Pari and made her sit in my lap.
"Happy Mummas Day"...she said.
"Thank you, munchkin. Her card was the sweetest. "Thank you for being my new Mumma and thank you for marrying my Buddy. I read aloud. I got teary eyed. Pari was so innocent.
"You're welcome, honey. I said. I could see Kunal was in tears. The kids left. He stayed. He came and sat in front of me and handed me a little box.
"This is a little late, but this is for giving me Mishti...and for giving Pari a mother. He said. I can't imagine how big your heart is, Mauli. His eyes were red rimmed. He held my face.
"I love you. He said.
He still kept a distance and so did I. It was starting to pain me that I had to ignore him this way. He spent the rest of the day with Dida and Mumma. The next day, I decided to patch up with Kunal.
I wanted to surprise him by going to the hospital where he worked. I reached on time.
"Is Dr. Kunal in? I'm his wife. I told the receptionist.
"Oh, Dr. Mauli Malhotra? Yes, ma'am, Dr. Kunal is in his cabin. It's down the hall.
"Thank you. I said. I walked towards his cabin, and I was very excited. I wanted to bury the hatchet. I missed him. As I approached his room, I heard a woman's voice. It was very high pitched. At first I thought it was the wrong room. I slowly approached it but didn't show myself. Kunal was leaning against the windowpane. There was a woman there, probably my age or older. She was talking very animatedly with him. Finally, she gave him a side hug. He smiled at her. A billion horrible thoughts flooded my mind, along with the sheer shock of seeing him alone with a woman I didn't know. I wanted to barge in there.
"We'll talk soon, Kunal. She said.
"Thanks, Tara. He said. She left. She didn't see me. She was good looking. I was sweating. Rage, or something like it ripped through my body along with fear. I burst into his room.
He was startled and stared wide eyed at me. "Jaana, I was just about to call you.
"Don't jaana me... I said. I grabbed his phone and went through it.
"Tara, Tara, and tara. Who's this bloody Tara now, huh? Who the hell is this? You even called her on our honeymoon! Now I get why you...
He held me. "Mauli , breathe...breathe...just slow down...stop...it's not what you think it is. I swear on my life. Shes a doctor.
"So you went for a doctor this time? How convenient. Good for you! Did you sleep with her yet? Let me guess...that night you got drunk, you must've gone to her!
"Mauli, no,no, and no...I swear to God.
"THEN WHAT KUNAL? WHAT? WHAT? WHY WAS SHE TOUCHING YOU? WHAT WAS A PERFECTLY GOODLOOKING WOMAN DOING IN YOUR CABIN AND WHY DON'T I KNOW HER? WHY DO YOU SPEAK TO HER AT NIGHTS? I was shaking now. I could feel that I'd breakdown soon. He held me.
"She's a therapist. I talked to her about your nightmares. I know she's...my God, I've committed a blunder. I wanted advice, to help you but...
"You're lying. I said. He shook his head. "I'm not, I'm not... he cupped my face. "I'd rather die than do that to you again. I'd rather die... he was in tears now.
Nothing made sense to me. My fears weren't letting me breathe. I couldn't get the image of her hands on him out of my mind. Maybe I was being cheated again. I stormed out the room and ran downstairs. He was right behind me the whole time. I took a cab home and locked myself in my room.
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