"No, Kunal, no... I thought. I fell to my knees and broke down. How could he do this to me again? I screamed. I went back to my room and called home. "Mumma, is Kunal there? I asked.
"No, Mauli...he isn't. Shouldn't he be with you? She asked. I hung up.
That's what woke me up. I'd once had a nightmare which lasted 6 years. I didn't know how long this one had lasted, but it was way too long. The nightmares were back. I was still in bed, I was crying against Kunal's chest now. I cried hysterically. He was saying something. His voice sounded soothing to my ears. We were sitting now. I held him tightly. I was crying so hard that I could barely breathe. I covered my mouth to stop the sobs.
"Cry it out, I'm here. He said. I had finally regained my senses. It was 4am. He was crying too, silently. He looked extremely distraught. He gave me a glass of water.
"Just stay here. I told him. I buried my face in his chest. "I woke you up again,right?
"Mmm, yeah...you were crying badly. I've never seen anything like it. He sounded extremely disturbed.
"I'm not good for you, Mauli. You're better off without me. He said. I pushed him away in anger. A night of passion turned into another nightmare.
"That's not what I need to hear right now. I shouted. He was hurt, but didn't waver in his stance.
"Let's go home today. He said.
"Why? It happened at home too. What difference does it make? I asked. He looked guilty.
"I just need to stay away from you, for your own good. He said, while sounding completely miserable.
"Kunal, stop it. I just need time. We just got married. Yes, I am insecure. I have issues. I have scars that haven't healed. I need time. You have to reassure me that you're not leaving, no matter how insecure I get.' I said.
"I'm not leaving. I am not. He promised. He kissed my forehead.
"Sleep. We will talk in the morning. He said. I slept holding his hand. The next morning, he was in a terribly depressed mood. He didn't eat.
Kunals POV:
I just had to stay away from her. Maybe us getting closer was triggering something in her mind. It happened twice. We were close and she had horrible dreams. Last night had shaken me up. She was crying hysterically for an hour straight, screaming and shouting and telling me not to leave her again. She seemed ok once she came out of the trauma, but we all had out limits. I thought about going home early. Another 4 days alone with her seemed impossible. I didn't know what else she'd go through. I was so guilty that I didn't want to risk it by doing anything that triggered her. Dreams couldn't be predicted. I asked her if she had seen a doctor about this. She said she had.
I wanted to go meet someone once we were home. The next 4 days she was extra sensitive. I talked to her and behaved normally but she could sense my unease. I didn't let her be near to me physically except for a hug and holding her hand. I knew this disturbed her. Her mind told her the problem was her.
It wasn't. It was me. The traumatic dreams were bad enough for her but they'd scarred me enough too. The first night, I watched TV till she fell asleep.
"I love you, jaana...but we need to figure out how to fix you first.
I called a doctor friend of mine, she was a psychiatrist. I explained the situation to her but didn't tell her it's about my wife. She told me this was all the trauma caused by the joint betrayal of a friend and a husband.
I knew that. "How do you fix it? I asked.
"Consistency and patience. She is shaking...and in this situation if she sees you changing behavior and seeming like you have no idea what to do, it will just make her overthink. You need to build the relationship again. There is a lot of love but trust will only be built when you show her that regardless of how she behaves, you won't go anywhere. Above all, don't run. You have to be strong now. Things may get worse before they get better. She said.
I was scared now. If it got even worse than this, I wouldn't know how to handle her, but I loved her. I wasn't going to run. Mauli did some work on her laptop. We video-chatted with the kids. We went to watch a movie together the way we used to in college. She seemed happy. She hugged my arm.
"What a terrible movie, jaana. But being with you made it seem bearable. She said.
"I agree. I kissed her. I bought Mauli a ring. I gave it to her. Our names were engraved onto the band. She loved that.
"Surprised? I asked. She smiled happily. We took walks, talked, and did everything we possibly could. I just hoped that she was reassured by my behavior that I wasn't planning on ditching her again. At night she snuggled by my side as I watched a TV show. She traced circles on my arm with her fingers. I knew what she had in mind. She held my face and turned it towards her. "Jaana...
"Yes, my love? I asked.
"Are you just going to watch TV all night? She asked as she kissed me on the cheek. I smiled.
"I'm tired, Mauli. We've had a long day. I told her. She was still testing me. I was still being distant because I was scared. I wasn't ready to see her traumatized again If she had another nightmare, I'd take her home right away and that would be the end of our honeymoon. She didn't say anything in reply. She turned to the other side and fell asleep. I ran my fingers through her hair and watched her sleeping. "You deserve happiness... I said.
What kind of consistency was needed? I had to think fast. I was changing my behavior in response to hers by keeping her away. That's exactly what I shouldn't have been doing. I stayed up a bit longer. She was sleeping peacefully. As I suspected, she slept through the night. No nightmares. She was quieter the next day.
"Wanna go out for dinner tonight? I asked.
"Yeah, sure... she said. It wasn't an enthusiastic yes. I watched as she got ready. She wore a saree, something she almost never wore. It was a gift from her mother. It was red.
She looked stunning. I kept staring at her and then looking away when she caught me. It was ridiculous I had to admit, but I was on edge. I couldn't help it but feel like I'd brought a storm into her life yet again with my presence. It was hard to shake that feeling off.
"This place is nice. " She said. "We should bring the kids here someday.
"We will. I said. Dinner was a little weird. While I ate, she watched me, and when she looked down, I watched her. "You look gorgeous. I said. This finally made her look at me. "Thank you. I never wanted to wear this but...it was a gift from my mother...felt bad about not even wearing it once. She said. I knew why she didn't want to wear it.
As we left the restaurant after dinner, I held her hand. It was so hard to fight internally with myself and with my own self doubts. Somewhere I was so afraid that if this all got out of hand, she would leave me. Every time that fear cropped up in my mind, I felt a chill down my spine.
I could see that she was a little down. I bought her flowers, red roses to match her saree. Her face light up.
"Thank you, they're beautiful. She said. "Are you still thinking about the other night? she asked.
I wasn't expecting that question. "A bit... I said.
"I don't understand what caused the nightmares to return. She said.
"Me. I said. She looked at me. She shook her head.
"Kunal...it's not like that. She said.
"Do you have a better explanation? I asked.
She didn't answer. "Maybe I'm just tired. We've been busy. She said.
"Maybe. I said. We reached our room.
I stood by the window while she showered. It was a windy night. She came from behind and hugged me.
"You know, my nightmares aren't as bad as your snoring. She said.
"Excuse me?
I grabbed her by the arm. "Hey, easy there. It's true. You snore. I woke up to that in the middle of the night last night. She said.
"You're lying. I said.
"I'll record you tonight. She told me.
She laughed. I covered her mouth. "Shhh! Quiet. I said. She pushed my hands away.
"Truth hurts. You have a snoring problem. She said. She skipped off and I ran after her. I knew it was a trap but I couldn't help it. She made me so happy. She jumped over the bed and tried hiding but there was nowhere to hide.
"You can't hide, Mauli. I said. As she ran past me, I grabbed her arm and pulled her till she crashed against my chest. "Kunal, that's manhandling! she complained.
"What am I supposed to do, yaar? You lie and play unfairly and then you expect me to be gentle? I said. She smiled and stared into my eyes.
"What's so funny? I asked.
"Gentle? she asked. She gave me a seductive smile. "Don't be gentle... she whispered into my ear. For a few seconds, I felt like I was under a spell. She walked backwards towards the bed. "Come on, Kunal... she begged.
I lost all self control in an instant. I pushed her and she landed on the bed. I was on top of her. She grabbed my collar and pulled me closer. I kissed her passionately. It was blissful only until I recalled a horrible memory. I remembered one night when I'd pushed Mauli away and left her in tears, followed by her screams and cries the other night when she awoke from her nightmare. I stopped.
"Kunal? she asked. "What happened? she was worried. Her round eyes were quickly tearing up.
The mix of memories had been so unpleasant that I removed myself from her arms immediately. If remembering how I had pushed her away gave me so much pain, what must such memories do to her psyche?
"Mauli, no yaar...not tonight. " I pleaded. Not tonight.
"What do you want from me Kunal? What do you think I am? she asked me bitterly. It stung.
"Jaana, please, don't get me wrong. I love you. I said. I attempted to hug her and she flinched.
"Don't touch me. She recoiled. "I hate you. She said. She took off the ring I'd given her and threw itat me. It hurt so much to hurt her and hear those words that I stayed in that spot for a good ten minutes. She went to bed and turned off the lights. I tried to hold her in her.
"Stay away...don't come near me. She said.
"Let me explain, please...Mauli I am just as messed up as you. I said. Her ignorance hurt. I tried to put my arm around her again but she pushed it away. Still, I kissed her forehead before turning off the lights. She kept a distance from me all night. It's one thing to not be with the person you love but it's even worse to have that person with you but feel like you're both miles apart. That's how I felt all night long. That same haunting incompleteness completely consumed me.
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