Part 31: A breath of fresh air.
<Geet's monologue>
No I was not crazy…I had to find out what it felt like…Aah….my lungs hurt….my stomach was pulled in…the water was gushing in through my ears…I couldn't keep my mouth shut all the while…I gasped and let some water flow in…it was freezing cold…it cut through my skin like blades…I couldn't hold it any longer…perhaps I can push it for a couple of more seconds…I tried…the pain was unbearable…I came out...
My chest expanded as I took that breath of air… it made it through my wind pipe…and finally my lungs…I was gasping…I couldn't even think…I had to do it…I wanted to know if it hurt the same way you need that breath of air to live on………………………………………………………and it did.
Courtesy: Moth Art
One hour earlier…
I came back from office and sat myself on the bed…I was missing him badly…he had not come to office that week either…The last I saw him was on Monday when he came by for dinner…it's been 4 days already…he didn't show up for dinner or at office. No calls, no emails, no contact, no meetings.
There was absolutely nothing that could hold my concentration now…all I could think of was him.
It was high time…I had to face the facts.I brushed aside my theories of hot chocolate, randomness, people are not personal and I had to think through what happened that night.
Or for that matter in my life…
I had to play back our exchange that night…
I was mad because I wasn't prepared to handle Shasha's question….I covered it up by saying that I was very much in a relationship with Dev…Because I didn't want to encourage gossip about me and him…
I told him the same thing…he didn't react…I started crying…He was cold and indifferent…
It was like clockwork…my brain was putting together things that I had not noticed before…
That's it…
…That I was still in a relationship with Dev….Is that what pushed him away? Babaji…and I didn't even make an effort to understand him…He must have thought about all the time we spent at Niagara…all that was felt…
The cupcakes…the closeness…him opening up to me… holding me during the fireworks…
By giving that answer…I made him feel like he was the "other" guy between me and Dev?...
There were so many questions I wanted to know the answer for…how deep did I scar him? Have I tainted whatever it is that we shared?
Babaji…I missed him so badly…that was the one thing that my mind kept repeating…
But…why did I miss him…so much? Was it just attraction? Or was it…..
I feard even announcing it to my inner self…Love…There I said it…
I had never ever been in love and I didn't know what it was…I loved my parents…darji…and my brother and sister…but that was a different kind of love…the kind I was sure of…
But the love I should feel for the one man in my life…my life partner…my one and only…my soul mate…I wasn't sure how it felt..or tasted…or sounded…I had not been fortunate to identify with such emotions…
It troubled me that Maan was so close to me during the toughest tides of my life…
He was there day in and out…he helped me cross some difficult phases of my life…Do I really love him? Or was it a mere attraction that my mind had become so obsessed about to replace the disappointment that Dev had given me in my life…
It was too early for me to answer my question…He had been around me all the time…he had provided me so much…those trips…a home…how could I ever measure what he kept doing to keep me going…all in all…he had chipped away all that did not make me, Me…it ached that there was one more thing to consider…So was it attraction? Or love? Or gratitude?
I still needed him badly…I didn't know how to bucket the need for now…
It made sense why he didn't want to be any part of the decision about my marriage…I had pushed him away when I continued clamining to be in a relationship with Dev. It's fair that the decision was mine to make…mine to decide how I wanted to handle office gossip…
There was absolutely no need for me to have said those parting words…
My heart ached again…If I was irrational, then why didn't he understand what I was going through? Didn't we have any compatibility?
Can I ask that question? What if I'm nothing more than a special friend to him? It was not mine to answer.
Why did he feel so superior all the time?
I said somethings without thinking too much…but the next time this happens; do I have to keep following him around all the time? I wasn't sure how healthy such a relationship would be…I probably knew the answer…I had lived that life for 5 years already…it could only breed resentment in me.
Now all this didn't matter…I didn't care what my stance was about what I had for him…I needed him badly…how badly did I need him?…I wanted to find out…I walked to the swimming pool…took off my jacket, scarf and boots…stripped of all the layers I was wearing above my top and capri…I created a small clearing in the pool cover by removing the velcrow…I didn't think twice about what I was about to do…I just had to find out how badly I needed him…I jumped.
I needed him as badly as I needed that breath of air…to live…to exist.
I gathered my clothes and took the elevator up to my floor.
<Maan's monologue>
It was the first day of class…there were announcements being made to sign up for the charity show…I was not interested…I would be attracting the media unnecessarily…
Maan:" Meera…I'm not signing up for the charity show…you will have to find a partner…I'm planning to donate money instead…"
Meera:" But MK…the practice sessions are for the charity show…"
Maan:" Meera I'm sorry…I signed up for getting you and Yash together…moreover I'm not comfortable doing this…me being in the picture will strain the relationship between you and her too…I don't care if I get to be around her or not…I want you to watch out for her…"
Meera:"MK…sure…I will start looking for a partner…but until then…"
I couldn't help smile…
Maan:" Don't worry…Romeo is here watching us from the window….I will not miss this opportunity for the world until…you find another partner…"
Yash was there alright watching us through the window…
Meera:" Do you want to let Geet in on this?"
Maan:" Yes you should probably tell her…"
Meera:" Are you guys talking now?"
Maan:" I don't think…its going to happen…may be this break is forever…"
I had lost hope…it was already more than 2 weeks since that night…she didn't give in…I didn't want to barge into her life without knowing where I stood…I was wrong…I still didn't care if we were ever going to be together…but not knowing her answer for sure was slowly eroding me…
Should I let her know? I wondered… A weak moment…But I was determined not to declare myself until I was sure her past was out of her life…I didn't know if that day would ever come…
We were done with the session…it was already 9.00 PM…the class was only a few blocks from the apartment…we walked back…took the elevator to her apartment.
I walked Meera to the door and turned to get back….
She was dripping…and shivering…and her skin had turned pale…from the blood being drained off her face…She shook as if she was being jolted with amps…
What had she done?
She didn't face me…She slowly walked into the living room…I followed…Meera was shocked and froze to death….She didn't react and walked staright to the bathroom…
Meera followed to check on her…
I was in a frezy…where was she coming from? What was she doin?...I had to find out…
Meera came back and told me that she was sititng in the tub under the hot shower…Good that was the only way she was going to warm up.
Meera once again came back and told me that she was back in her room…I stormed into her room…I didn't care…I needed some anwers….
She was tired…and still partly pale and shivering badly…Meera followed and wrapped her with more blankets…
We each took her hand and started rubbing it to create some heat….I moved to warm her feet the same way…
She spoke weakly…
Geet:"People don't get scared…I just wanted to swim in NY winter to see how it felt like…"
She smiled…
She was warming up slowly…
Maan:" Meera if you don't mind…I want to talk to her personally…"
<Geet's monologue>
A strange fear crept inside me…he looked mad…
Once she left the room…he followed and closed the door…
He rushed to be back by my side…I was leaning on the pillows…half seated…
Maan:"What is this Geet? Can you please tell me what you were attempting?"
Oops did he think I was trying to kill myself…I smiled…I wasn't going to die before I find out what I had for him…or at the very least what he had for me…
I was feeling much better now…my cheeks were a pale pink…
Geet:"Maan…its not what you think…I really just wanted to feel…what it felt like…to be out of breath…I mean…just experience the ice…coldness…"
Maan:"Yeh! Kya paagalpan hai Geet….Now what is this new experiment?"
He was pushing me…paagalpan…haan…I was wanting to know how badly I wanted him…if it came close to that same instant…where all I wanted was just a breath of air…
Geet:" No…just wanted to see how it felt like to be you…"
I imagined those cold nights that went by without his call…
Maan:"Geet…"
He eyes glimmered of rage…
Maan:" If you think I'm cold…then how exactly have you been?...this whole thing has turned morbid…"
He was holding my arm and shook me as if he demanded an answer…
I tried to let go of his grip on my arm…
Geet:" Chodiye mujhe…maan…"
He let go of my hand… he turned towards the wall…and was holding his head with his hands…
I couldn't see him like that...He was distressed…I was turning it into morbid? My stubbornness was being stretched…I wasn't sure when it was going to plop…I had been behind a heartless person for 5 years and I was hesitating to apologize to him…Maan…
The one who was always there for me…everything changed in a few seconds…I didn't like the fact that I was yo-yoing…one minute I insulted him…and the next I wanted to pursue him…
I sat up and leaned forward…I placed my hand on his shoulder…to see if I could wake him up from the pain he was going through…
He brushed my hands off…
I leaned closer…to whisper…
Geet:" Will it …"
He turned in such force and pinned me to the pillow…
Maan:" Chup….Main tumse baat nahin karna chahte hoon abhi…"
He turned and continued holding his head…
Time passed…its been 15 mts and we had been sitting in the same position…
I was determined to break the silence…
Geet:" Aap…" Maan:" Tum…"
We spoke at the same time… I was least expecting him to break into a smile.
His smile made me do crazy things…and the minutes that followed were one of the many…
Geet:"I don't think I gave the right answer to Shasha…if it means anything to you…."
I lifted my head to look at him…
Maan:"Geet why are we discussing this again?...I already told you that you handled it the way you wanted to and that its fine…"
Geet:" No Maan….I want you to know…"
He wasn't facing me…I moved closer to make sure that he knew I wanted to look at him…he turned and faced me…
Geet:"I want you to know…that it is the worng answer…and if I could turn back time…and go back to that exact moment…then I would answer it differently this time…"
He looked at me…curious to know…I didn't break my gaze with him…I wanted him to know that it was the truth…
Geet:"I would answer that I wouldn't go to Toronto because it was a destination of my past…and that I didn't like to visit my past…"
<Maan's monologue>
She gave me the answer I was looking for…I only needed her answer to one more question…I had no idea why but something was holding me back at that moment…I was not someone who believed big on papers…but I wanted to make sure she was legally mine…I had to wait until her past was buried with its proper rites.
Maan:" They say…if you can change one thing in the past…then the change trickles down and changes everything…if that holds good…then I guess my answer would have been different too…"
She wanted to know what it was…
Geet:" And…."
She lowered her eyes…She couldn't look into mine…
I mustered up to cup my hand around her cheek…she didn't expect that….our gaze locked…
Maan:" And I would have said that nothing mattered more than your happiness…and I promise…that answer will never change no matter what you go back and change in the past…"
I was lost in her eyes…
I wanted to change the air around us...I wasn't sure what I would do next if I was allowed to gaze at her in such proximity...
Maan:"And in the future if you are jumping into a pool of ice cold water...just make sure you have me around..."
She smiled and turned away....
This was probably what it truly meant to turn back time…the fog had cleared and the veil of anger had been removed…
She had her answers and my doubts had been cleared…I had missed her terribly…She was back to walk with me...at least until time decides to put us at the crossroads...I prayed that day would never come...
Amidst all the joy there was a strange omen inside me…something called to my attention…Yes Dev was a thing of her past which she was ready to bury behind her….but there was no way to ascertain what was to be her future…
Mannat Har Khushi Paane Ki
Cricket
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