"Simla Guest House" the signboard proclaimed, as she paid off the driver, walking slowly towards the large two storied wooden building.
It had been a month, an entire month since she had been forced out of home, since she had left Delhi. She had come to Simla after responding to an advertisement for a locum dentist. It was only for three months, but at least it would give her some breathing space, some time to decide what to do next, to gather the pieces of her shattered life.
She still could hardly believe what had happened to her, to them. How so much love could not sustain the happy little family that they had built so painstakingly, could not keep intact the broken frozen hearts that they had healed for each other.
She had honestly believed that what she had done to protect him was the best choice she was able to make in the circumstances. But he had chosen not to see her motives. Or even if he had seen her motives, he had not been able to disregard the deceit that she had engaged in, to forgive the lies she had told him.
She still remembered so vividly the last time that he had spoken to her, in their living room, in front of the family. He had brushed aside her hair to gaze at her bare neck.
"Tum ne mangalsutra nahi pehna hai na? Toh ab mat pehanna. Aaj se tera mera rishta khatam"
(You aren't wearing your mangalsutra? Good, don't wear it from today. Our relationship has ended)
She could still hear the immense hurt in his voice that made her soul cry for him, even as her own heart had shattered into a thousand little pieces.
She had never heard another word from him. He had stalked away, carrying the bottle of alcohol she had found him slumped over two hours later, his eyes closed, his breathing shallow.
She had gotten him to hospital, he had been saved, but he had still been unconscious when mummyji had ordered her out of her home. And then amma, amma had also refused to take her in.
She shivered and pulled her shawl closer around her slim body, the cold burning up the scars in her neck and hands. They were particularly sensitive to the icy weather of Simla, but perhaps that was just another punishment she had to bear. For her sins. Her sin of loving him.
The warm glow of lights and fireplaces beckoned to her as she trudged slowly towards the Guest house. She had booked a suite of rooms in the Guest house - a bedroom in which she spent sleepless nights, a bathroom where her tears mingled with the cascading waters of her morning shower, a living area where the walls bore witness to her anguished silent wails of despair and the tiny Kitchenette where she made the meals which she could not eat.
He had still been in hospital, still unconscious when Sarika had been unmasked, and arrested along with Ashok. She had tried to go there to see him, had tried every day, but all had blocked her way. Then he had woken up. She had found out from Simmi, who still spoke to her bhabhi. But even then, he had not asked for her. She had still been stopped from going near him.
And so, in the face of everyone's unrelenting hatred, knowing that now her task was done, that he was now safe, she had decided, for his sake, for her children's sake, for hr own sake, to walk away from his life.
He would be fine, of that she had been assured before she left. He would recover fully.
And she still had one way of finding out about him, of trying to fill the hunger, the void in her heart, with news of him. Adi. Her son. One of the only two other members of her family, along with Simmi and Ruhi, who had not judged her. Who had still held her close. He had cried when she told him she was leaving.
"Mat jao ishima, please" (Don't go Ishima, please)
Those eyes, so like his fathers, pleaded with her until she turned her face away, lest her pain engulf him too.
"It's for the best Adi. Abhi sab kuch wrong ho raha hai. Abhi mein rahoongi toh papa ko aur tension hogi beta. I have to go. For Raman. Lekin mein tumhe roz call karoongi. Tumhe aur Ruhi ko. Tum please Ruhi ko samjha dena, Ishima loves her very much. I love you both very much. Mein tumhe kabhi choodungi nahi. Lekin abhi mujhe jaane doh. Abhi papa ko theek hona hai. And if I'm here Adi..."
(It's for the best Adi. Everything is going wrong at the moment. If I stay here your papa will just have more tension. I have to go. For Raman. But I'll call you everyday. You and Ruhi. Please explain to Ruhi, Ishima loves you both so very much. I'll never leave you. But let me go for now. Let papa get better Adi. Because if I'm here...)
She had pleaded with Adi that he not reveal her whereabouts to anyone and he had promised. So she had left and everyday she would call Adi upon receiving his text, that the coast was clear for her to call. She would listen to his news of his day at school, reassure Ruhi when she grabbed the phone that she would be back soon, and then she would ask the question that always hovered on her lips. "How is papa?"
From Adi she found out that his recovery was slow, as if he had lost the will to get better. And she cursed herself anew because she knew she was the reason why. Adi had told her of Toshijis tears when she found out that Raman had not tried to kill himself, that he had been poisoned by Sarika.
"Shayad mein ne theek nahi kiya Ishita ke saath" (Perhaps I did wrong to Ishita) Adi had overheard her saying to his equally tearful paati.
And from Adi she had found out about Shaguns miscarriage. The baby that was the last link between them was also gone.
She brushed aside her tears as she stepped into the reception area from where all guest suites opened up.
"Madam" the duty manager exclaimed, coming up to her. "Mein ne aap ke guest ko aap ke room mein baitha diya hai. Theek toh hai na" (Madam, I've put your guest in your room. That's okay isn't it)
"Guest?" She exclaimed. "Lekin mein toh yahan kisi ko nahi jaanti" (Guest? But I don't know anyone here)
"Sorry madam, lekin usne aap hi ka naam bataya. Mrs Ishita Bhalla. Keh raha tha koi kaam hai. Shareef banda lag raha tha, aur itni sardi thi aur woh winter clothes mein bhi nahi theh, toh mein ne fireplace light up kiya aur usko wahin baithne ke liye kaha."
(Sorry madam, but he told your name. Mrs Ishita Bhalla. He said he had some business with you. He seemed like a gentleman, and he wasn't dressed in winter clothes, and it's so cold, so I lit up the fireplace and asked him to wait inside)
"Haan acha theek hai" (Alright. That's okay) Ishita murmured as she walked up to the door. Perhaps it was someone sent by Dr Saxena, whose clinic she was managing in his absence. Maybe he had some message for her.
She put her hand on the door and pushed it open.
Chapter Two
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Kabhi Neem Neem Kabhi Shahad Shahad
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