Chapter TwoShe put her hand on the door and pushed it open.
Warm air surrounded her as the door slowly opened. The only light in the room was that provided by the flickering fire, and her eyes slowly adjusted to the twilight hues as she made out the figure standing by the fireplace, his back to the door.
Behind him, snow fell slowly on the chilly Simla hills, the stark white landscape visible through the uncurtained windows.
There was something strangely familiar about his silhouette, the dark form framed by the pristine white behind him.
"Hi, I'm Ishita Bhalla, aap mujh se milna chahte theh?"
(Hi, I'm Ishita Bhalla, did you want to see me?)
She spoke as she groped for the light switch by the door, her voice pleasant but curious.
The switch located, she turned the dimmer to high, the door closing behind her as the room was flooded with light.
She stared at the man by the fireplace, a few feet away, and her smile froze on her lips as she observed that unyielding back, clad in black, the short hair springing from his head, the clenched fists by his side.
She would have known that back anywhere. Known that man who stood so silent, so still in the glow of the sputtering fire. He was thin, so thin, she mused, as she stared in silence at her husband, her voice failing her.
He turned slowly.
His face was an inscrutable mask, hidden beneath dense stubble, his eyes hooded. She stared in shock as she noticed the extent of his weight loss, the weary look that aged him, the new lines that had not been there a month ago.
"Raman" she whispered as he stared straight at her, no change discernible on his mask like face, the fire burning in his eyes the only sign of life.
"Raman" she repeated, fear and sadness jostling with the happiness that flooded her heart at the sight of that beloved face. She moved a few steps towards him, then stopped abruptly as he put a hand out to stop her, as if protecting himself from her.
"Chalo, aap ko mera naam toh yaad hai, Mrs Ishita Bhalla"
(Well, at least you remember my name, Mrs Ishita Bhalla)
His voice cut through her like a knife, cold, emotionless, a stinging weapon that pierced her heart.
"Raman, mujh ... Mujh ko aap ka naam kyun nahi ...aisa kyun kah rahe ho..." Her voice trailed off as tears flooded her eyes, cascading down her face.
"Magarmach ke asoon"
(Crocodile tears)
His cold voice, the sneer intact, was yet another stab at her bleeding heart. She stared at her husband, mute at his cruelty, her tears welling afresh at his pointed reference.
He hadn't even come to see her, she remembered, those two weeks when she had been in hospital, after the incident in the lake. Her scars throbbed as she put a hand up to her throat, trying to control the tremors that were threatening to assail her.
His eyes followed her hands, widening at the sight of the thin mangalsutra she now fingered. He strode towards her, stopping before her, his fingers pointing to her neck.
"Mein ne kaha tha na, isse mat pahenna"
(I told you didn't i, don't wear this again)
His eyes blazed fire as she shivered anew, his nearness bringing back all the pain, all the longing that had tormented her for the past month.
Yes, he had told her. The last words he had said to her until today. How could she ever forget.
"Yaad hai Raman."
(I remember Raman)
"Yaad hai toh pehna kyun? Koi rishta nahi hai tere mere beech"
(If you remember than why are you wearing it? There's no such relationship between us anymore"
"Rishta nahi hai toh yahan kyun aye ho? Yahan kya lene aye ho?"
(If there's no relationship then what are you doing here? What have you come here for?)
Pain gave her voice impetus, and his cruelty goaded her into speech.
His eyes bore into hers as his pointed finger grasped her underneath her chin.
"I came here to warn you Mrs Ishita Bhalla. Sawadhan karne ke liye aya hoon?"
"Warn me for what Raman?"
"Mere bacho se dur raho." The finger contemptuously flicked her chin, then was pointed in her face again. "Stay away from my children. Stop calling them. Stop talking to them."
"Woh mere bhi bache hai Raman. Adi and Ruhi are my children too. Mein unki ma hoon."
"Ma ho?" His cold laughter rang out, echoing against the old wooden walls, ringing in her ears. "Ma ho? Kaisi ma ho Ishita, jo unhe akele chod ke aa gayi, unka kuch bhi nahi parwa kiya? Mujh se na sahi, apne bachon se toh rishta nibhaleti"
(You're their mother? Mother? What kind of mother are you Ishita that you left your children all alone, didn't give a damn about them? If not with me, at least you could have honored your relationship with them)
"Aur kya karti mein?"
(What else could I have done?)
The unfairness of his accusations, his barbs at her vulnerability, his questioning her right to be called her children's mother stirred her into anger, a cold anger that rose to rival his.
"Aur kya karti mein Raman? Huh? You tell me. Aap ki halath itni buri thi aur sab mujhe dosh de rahe theh. Aap mujh se milna nahi chahte theh. Mummyji ne mujhe ghar se nikal diya, aur amma, mere khud ke amma appa ne mujhe apne ghar se beghar kar diya. Aise halat me mein kya karti? Zid karti? Sab ko aur dukhi karti? Aap ki tabiyat aur bigadte hue dekhti? Bacho ko hisoon mein bat-they hue dekhti? Ek bar Sarika aur Ashok arrest ho gaye toh, aap safe ho gaye, toh I did the only thing I could Raman. Aap ke liye. Hamare bacho ke liye. Khud ke liye"
(What else could I do Raman? You tell me. You were in such a bad state and everyone was blaming me. You didn't want to meet me. Mummyji threw me out of the house and my parents, my own parents wouldn't take me in. What could I do in those circumstances? Insist on my rights? Make everyone more miserable? Make your condition worse? See my children being torn between divided loyalties? Once Sarika and Ashok were arrested, once you were safe, I did the only thing I could. For you. For our children. For me."
She stopped as he threw his head back and laughed once again. That same mirthless laugh. Cold. Unfeeling.
"Wah" he said, clapping his hands, as he stepped a few paces back, his applause ending as he folded his hands before her. "So you did all this for me, huh? To keep me safe. Kitni mahaan ho tum Ishita. Tumhari toh, tumhari toh pooja karna chahiye"
"Yes" she shouted back at him, the vestiges of her self control slipping. She knew she had hurt him by her lies, but he had hurt her too. He had hurt her too, and had conveniently forgotten the fact.
"Yes, I did it all for you Raman. I did it to save your life."
"Kyun, mein koi dudh peeta hua bacha hoon, jo khud ko nahi sambhal sakta? Am I some goddam child Ishita, that you needed to save me"
"There was an informer in our home Raman. Sarika was trying to kill you from inside our home. But if I had told you would you have believed me? Vishwas karte aap meri? No Raman. You would never have believed someone in your family was out for your life. I know how much you love your family, I know you. I did what I had to do"
She brushed away impatiently at the tears that came unbidden to her eyes as she continued to face him. He stared right back at her, but now there was something else that dueled with the anger that had taken home in his eyes. There was pain, there was hurt.
"What you should have done Ishita was to trust me. Me. Your husband. Not those...those strangers. Tum ne mujh par nahi un bahar walo pe aitbaar kiya Ishita. You trusted those outsiders over me. Do you know how much that hurts? Do you?"
"Yes" she shouted. "Jaanti hoon mein, how much it hurts. Because it hurt me too Raman, when you trusted Shagun and Manoj over me, when you tricked me into signing those surrogacy papers, when you made the decision to give me a child without my consent. It hurt me Raman. Bahut dard hua tha"
Her voice dropped down to a whisper. "Bahut dard hua tha" she repeated softly, dropping her eyes and turning away from him, fighting back the tears which again threatened.
In response he grabbed at her arm, turning her around roughly to face him. "So what, was this your revenge then Ishita? I lied to you so you lied to me? Is that your justification. Teen mahino tak...three months Ishita... You tortured me, tortured my family...do you know what hell I went through every single day, do you?"
"I did it for you" she repeated obstinately. "And I didn't do it for revenge. It was the only thing I could think of, the only way I could think of to flush out the informer. Theek hai, maana, perfect nahi tha woh plan. Lekin mein kya karti? Achanak se pata chala ki mera bacha, mera bacha Shagun ke pet mein pal raha hai, Ashok usko, aap ko, Ruhi ko, Adi ko, sab ko marne ka plan kar raha hai. I didn't know what else to do Raman"
The fight suddenly went out of her as she looked at him in despair.
"Go Raman" she whispered.
"Kyun? Mujh se baat karne ki himmat nahi hai?"
(Why? You don't have the courage to talk to me?)
"Nahi, aap se ladne ki aur taqat nahi hai."
(No, I don't have the strength to fight you anymore)
She walked away from him and walked up to the door, her hand on the handle.
"Please" she whispered, turning the handle and pushing the door open "Just go"
He strode up to the door and pulled the handle, closing it again. His hand squeezed hers as he did and she cried out in pain as the tender scar tissue was pressed.
His eyes were puzzled as she snatched her hand away, then narrowed as he noticed the raised scars. Slowly, in spite of himself, he pulled at her hand again, this time gently. He cradled her hand in both of his, softly tracing the ugly scars.
"Yeh sab kyun kiya Ishita?"
(Why did you do all this Ishita?)
She shivered as his fingers traced her hand, the sudden warmth in his voice shocking her more than his anger had. She looked up slowly and saw that the mask had slipped. Her Raman stood before her, her Raman, with all the love in the world in his face, anguish clouding his eyes as he gazed at her angry scars.
Those eyes were her undoing. She tried to pull her hand away but he kept it cradled between his own.
"Bahoot dard hua tha?" He whispered. (Did it hurt a lot?)
"Aap toh mujhe dekhne bhi nahi aaye" her pain echoed the tears which fell out of her with her tears. "Mein kitni dino tak hospital mein thi, aur aap toh mujhe dekhne bhi nahi aaye"
(You didn't even come to see me. I was in hospital for so long and you never came to see me)
He tried to pull her towards him, but she warded off his hands, throwing herself against the wall.
She felt his hand on her shoulder, but she shook her head, pressing closer to the wall.
"Aaya tha" His voice was a whisper now, the pain he had been hiding with his taunts evident in every word. "Roz raat ko aata tha. Puri raat tumhaare kamre ke baahar baitha rehta tha. Lekin tumse Milne ki taqat nahi thi. "
(I came. I came every night. Sat outside your room all night. But I didn't have the strength to see you)
She turned around, tears pouring down her face at the grief in his eyes.
"Ishita" he whispered. "Hamara bacha. Adi told you na" (our baby. Adi told you,didn't he)
Fresh tears spilled down her face as she thought of the second child they had lost. "I know"
"I'm sorry Ishita" his face was ravaged with grief.
"No, I'm sorry Raman. Sorry for everything. Bahoot galtiyaan ki mein ne. Forgive me please."
"I'm sorry too Ishita. Mujh se bhi bahoot galtiyaan ho gayi. Maaf kar do mujhe bhi. Maaf kar do mujhe aur ghar chalo" His voice broke.
(I'm sorry too Ishita. I've made many mistakes too. Forgive me. Forgive me and come home)
"No"
"Ishita?"
He put his hand out to her, but she pushed him away. If she let him hold her now, she would come undone.
"No Raman. Woh ab mera ghar nahi hai. It's not my home Raman. It's not my home when everyone just throws me out for every mistake I make. You made mistakes too na Raman, but no one threw you out. Toh phir mujhe kyun? Mein aap ki family ki hissa nahi ban saki Raman. I couldn't become a part of your family. It's too late now. Aap, aap jao. Go Raman, just please don't stop me from seeing my children. Please."
"Adi and Ruhi ke liye Ishita... Come with me. I'm sorry it took me so long to come here. I'm sorry, I had to...I had to fight with myself, but I couldn't hate you. I tried but I couldn't Ishita. I thought I was coming here to shut you out of our lives, but I came here to take you home. I love you Ishita. Come home"
He put a hand out to her again, trying to pull her into his arms.
"No Raman" she shouted as she pushed him away. She couldn't, she musn't let him touch her. "I love you too but this isn't about whether we love each other. We hurt each other too much Raman. Hum ek doosre ko barbaad kardenge. We're toxic Raman. Yeh ab mujh se nahi hoga. Yeh dard ab mujhe nahi chahiye. Go Raman. Go, please."
He looked down at her, his eyes clouded with pain, the mask slipping back over his face.
"Fine"
He still stood there, staring at her for a long moment, as if imprinting her face into his memory. Then with a bitter smile and a shrug, he wrenched open the door and stepped out into the night.
Chapter 3 - Part 1
Bandeyaa Tu munh mord ke na jaa
Edited by Veeann - 9 years ago
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