Lo Siento: IshRa TS | FINAL: Page 11 [04/09] (Sht 1: Pg 1,Sht 2: Pg 5) - Page 4

Still clad in his golden sherwani, he slid on the bathroom floor. Tears streaming down his handsome face, he turned on the faucets so that she doesn't get to hear his sobs.

"I'm sorry Ishita. I'm really, really sorry."

This morning, instead of waking up to his wife's lovely countenance, he woke up to a terrible news, one that has the power to shatter her, and he only has himself to blame. A few minutes ago when the nurse told him his Ishita could get pregnant, he was over the moon, until the lady uttered 'but'. That but brought his dreams crashing down, and hers with it. They were fine, she was fine, until now. HE led her to believe there are chances. HE made her expectant. HE was wrong. Absolutely, ruthlessly wrong. And now HE will have to hurt her in the most vulnerable way possible.

He knew what it was for her to brave her condition and walk out in the regressive society they're sadly a part of. He knew how she suffered from all the gibes and the harshest words all these years. He has seen her struggle with the feeling time and again. Heck, THIS was the reason she was with him today, else she would have found someone else years ago if it was not for her condition. Yet, she chose to be happy, with him, for him. And what did he just do? Gambled with her happiness with the promise of amplifying it? High risk, high gain, right? Wrong! No gain and only pain, that's what he has written in her fate once again.

On their first wedding anniversary, when he gifted her those reports verified by his friend Chinki, he thought she'd be ecstatic. She was, but not because of those new possibilities. She was happy because of the perfect life they had, and the perfect mini family they had. She was gratified and wanted nothing else. But he wanted more, for her. He wanted his Ishita to become Ishi'ma' in the truest sense of the word.

He doesn't read much, but recently he read somewhere, "Being a mother is an attitude, not a biological relation." There is no bigger truth in his life at this point in time. She is a mother and she does not need to have a biological child to prove the fact. Her bond with Ruhi is a testimony. She nurtured his neglected, ignored and wronged kids, and made them her own, made them his own, for he was not a father before he met her. He was a man who fathered Adi and Ruhi, yes, but not a father. She turned him into one. She bettered him every step of the way without being asked.

All he wanted, and was denied brutally, was a happy little family. His kids running around, his wife running behind them, while he sat and sipped tea, at peace with himself. His dream was crushed beyond repair, but she picked up the pieces and put each one of them back where it belonged. She completed his family, she fulfilled his life. And so, he wanted to complete hers. He wanted to give her the one gift she was forbidden to have - the joy of motherhood. He wanted her to have silly cravings, grow plump and round, be pampered by him and everyone else, overcome all the sadness she has ever had to face. His pregnant madrassan would have driven him mad, and he would have pulled his hair, but would have complied nonetheless. He wanted her to experience the magic of giving birth to a new life from within her own body. He wanted all this, and much more, for her. Little did he realize, that life is not always a bed of roses. This was the biggest thorn in her life, and in the process of trying it remove it, he pricked her again, and so hard, he doesn't know if she'll ever be able to stop bleeding from the pain of it.

Last night, during Romi's wedding, when she roamed around in that green and red attire looking heavenly, all he could think of was how his mini Ishita would look, how he silently prayed that they be blessed with a mini her. In his excitement, he raised her expectations. She had learnt to live with the cruel hand that fate had played with her. He made her challenge her destiny, only for it to fall flat in their faces.

Only if had held his tongue each time he thought about their baby. Only if he had stayed on the ground and set realistic expectations. Only if he would have listened to the '5%' that the doctor claimed, and not jumped with joy as if it was 95%. He was angry at the doctor. Why did he tell them that there were any chances before he concluded his diagnosis with ALL the tests?

How can he face her now? What will he tell her? That the promises he made were empty? That the dream they were weaving together was a mere figment of imagination? That the promise of a new life was fake? He felt guilty, and angry. How could he have let this happen? Why did he not think about the repercussions? He destroyed that one semblance of stability in her life. Between yesterday and today, he raised her expectations to sky and brought them down to earth, and for the life of him, he cannot bear to see her burn with the intensity of this crash.

Not right now. He needs to prepare himself, and he cannot see her before that happens. One look at her, and he will say what he is not supposed to. She's not hurt as long as she doesn't know, and she won't know until he is strong enough to face her. They have to walk out of this together, but he will have to be her strength, and for that he needs to regain his.

"Ishita, I don't know how can I tell you to stop weaving all these dreams for us. You're the best mother my children can ever have. You're as complete a woman for me, as you were yesterday. I have you, and our kids, and that's all I ever need. Please forgive me for pushing you in to the agony you've already been through in the past. I really am sorry."

Next: The Imperfectly Perfect