She stood in front of the cupboard, caressing his blazer. Silent tears making their way towards her pale cheeks.
"I'm sorry, Raman. I'm very sorry."
She doesn't know what to feel anymore. She's restless, and hurt, and... guilty. Guilty of letting everyone's hopes soar high and crushing them brutally. They were fine, she was fine, until she was not. She felt angry on herself, for letting things reach this end. She has been through this before, she will be able to compose herself with time, but how will he handle himself. He has been dreaming on and on about their child, planning to tackle the pregnant her, expecting good news any second now. How can she tell him that there is going to be no good news? How can she bear to look him in the eyes and fill them with pain and hurt?
Years ago, when the truth of her own body dawned on her and the one person she counted on to hold her hands walked out, she cursed her fate. But as time passed, she managed to somehow absorb all the hardships and taunts that came her way and lived with an acceptance. Her energies immersed in her work, her profession became her passion. Then came her Ruhi, and the rest is history. How her life changed in a day, and for the better. Her daughter became her life, and her husband, her soul. She found her reason for existence. She found her own family. Him, her, and their kids - Adi and Ruhi.
From the days when she longed to hold one child in her arms, to this day, when she has two to claim. Ruhi was always her daughter, but the day Adi called her Ishima, she felt complete; for he was a part of him, the only part of him who had not accepted her whole-heartedly, and she could not live with the feeling of his family being incomplete. They were happy, content.
When Raman gifted her the reports on their first anniversary, she was firm and told him so. She genuinely felt they did not need any therapy, any treatment, or a new baby, to enhance their lives. She had him, and she had her daughter, and that was all she ever wanted. Now that she has her son too, what made her refute her own claim and take this step? What made her visit the doctor and get herself tested after all this time?
Was it because of Ruhi's wish? Or Raman's dream? Or their mothers' hopes? Probably it was all of that, fueled by her own desire of having their own child. She, for once, wanted to erase the barren part of her life and gift him their symbol of love, gift her daughter a little sibling to play with, gift their families a present they always deemed impossible. Alas, it was not meant to be!
She felt anger rising inside her again, at her own stupidity. She could have stopped this non-sense had she used her brains. At the very least, not shared anything with the family, not driven Ruhi's wishes beyond a point, asked Raman to not draw any ideas for their future, hypothetical baby until it was already in their arms. But hopes do not work like this, they make you optimistic when they shouldn't, and torment you when they don't get fulfilled. They are just a candy, to lure you in, to leave in the middle of a whirlpool of sadness and despair.
It was her cross to bear, she bore it for a long time, and she will bear for the times to come. What she absolutely cannot bear, is his pain. She knows this will hit him where it hurts the most, and she will be able to do nothing except see him break apart. Why does he have to go through so much distress for no fault of his? Why does he have to endure her miseries? His anguish is her liability, and she dreads the moment she has to tell him. What will she say? These hurtful words and feelings. How can she, voluntarily, give him so much pain? Just imagining his shocked face knocks her breath out.
Not right now. She needs to prepare herself, and she cannot see him before that happens; One look at him, and she will say what she is not supposed to say. He's not hurt as long he doesn't know, and he won't know until she is strong enough to face him. They have to walk out of this together, but she will have to be his strength, and for that she needs to regain hers.
"Raman, I don't know how can I tell you to stop weaving all these dreams for us. Please forgive me, because I have again been reminded that I am an incomplete woman, and will always be. I cannot give you and our daughter, the one happiness that you both so crave for. I'm very, very sorry."
Next: The Repentant Man
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