Originally posted by: eternalasha
Great Post Aani and Malika👏
Like others, i have been thinking about this whole baanjh thing since yesterday
In this case I think @magenta and @red in both your posts are pointing us in the right direction.
I think what Ishita has is a self-worth issue that began when she was declared sterile. Let me explain. A google search of Baanjh came up with the following definitions: 1) Incapable of Reproduction 2) Unfit for reproduction of offspring.
1)Incapable of reproduction - set aside for moment whether this is medically verified - if its true that Ishita can't conceive, then it is a statement of fact - just as Toshiji explained - it is when a women can't have kids. While it is incredibly and unimaginably painful it is something that with love can be possibly understood, accepted and dealt with without damage of the soul - note I am not trying to be insensitive here
2)Unfit for reproduction of offspring. Unfit - herein lies the problem -
Historically, especially in India, when women couldn't conceive the intention with which the word Baanjh was used wasUnworthy - unworthy to be a mother, unworthy to be a bahu, unworthy to be a wife, unworthy as a human, unworthy of love, respect or care, condemned even by God as it were. It is the meaning that is applied to the event and word that is the issue.This is how it was used against Ishita
- Bala's mom declared her unfit as a DIL
- Subbu abandoned her as unworthy of being a wife, unworthy of love
- Prateek - ditto subbu
Take a look from this model - when something too traumatic happens in our life, we can't face or process the emotions, so we decide we are some form of Not OK. We make up a belief about ourselves that dictates our actions for the rest of our lives until the original traumatic emotions are faced and healed. The belief is subconscious and we will do anything to make the Not OK be OK.
When Ishu was declared infertile due to a medical cause TB, that was clearly not her fault but the way her environment treated, taunted, judged her. Ishu felt rejected and abandoned. So she subconsciously made up an erroneous belief that "I am unworthy" or "I am not good enough" She confused what happened to her with who she was a person, as a pure soul. In believing this, she rejected herself.
Then events happened that reinforced the belief I am unworthy for Ishu - Bala's mom, Subbu, Prateek, Mrs Iyyer obsession/desperation to get Ishu married - and then Raman marries her Sirf Ruhi Ke liye and then even uses that against her. p.s that's why this phrase sirf Ruhi Ke liye irks me.
Once at 15 she started believing I am unworthy, she subconsciously did a lot of things in her life from the tunnel vision lens of this belief, to correct what she believed made her not OK, Not worthy. She became a a praiseworthy, obedient, capable daughter, an educated and capable dentist, a praise worthy bahu, bhabhi, even wife and mother - in fact it is hard to find a fault with her but it is not enough. She still gets triggered into a paralysed silence when called baanj. I am not saying she isn't naturally all these things, I am saying she can't experience how awesome they are.
Now with that many achievements, capabilities, and accolades - who in their right mind would call her unworthy - what unfortunately matters is that she does, subconsciously.
@blue in your post, this is where I disagree. Worthiness and Confidence are an inside job. No-one and No-thing from the outside can give you inner worthiness or confidence in a way that is sustainable. Sure she will feel better if Raman praises her but it will be until the time someone rejects or disrespects her again and she will get hurt and triggered. She doesn't experience her own worth internally.
Look at her heroic efforts in the last two episodes, the ladies were clapping, Simmi said she was a hero, Mr & Mrs Bhalla were oozing with pride - yet she couldn't let it in the clear acknowledgement of her worth - maine kuchh nahin kiya- this wasn't just modesty.
Once Ishita faces her original pain of rejection, she will realize that:
- it was an unlucky medical tragedy with a silver lining that made her strong
- the problem is with the people that rejected and taunted her and were perhaps even jealous of her.
- the belief I am unworthy she adopted is faulty - She is NOT her sterility, she is not the rejected.
- all humans are inherently worthy of love - why would God, create anything unworthy, anything but perfection.
When she drops the belief, she will then fully accept and appreciate all that it is Ishita, the beautiful Ishita that others, love, admire and experience. She will be fully able to receive self-love, love from her husband and it was there today, with attitude but in spades.
Once Ishita recognizes her worth, she will automatically fully respect herself and then others will too. The energy she gives out will be different. Bala's mom won't dare taunt her, Raman won't disrespect her and Pervmeet the predator who has a nose for picking victims with worthiness issues aas-paas bhi nahin aayega
Would love to hear your feedback
Hey Sneha
awesome post 😃
@ red - exactly the word made the woman as a whole a worthless being and to be called worthless again and again is something that can chip away at anyone' confidence no matter how educated or modern they might label themselves as- things like these are connected to the emotional aspect of a person, the mind may reason for all its worth but sometimes it loses the battle too, especially once it allows the person to focus only on that.
and that is what has happened with Ishita to an extent her confidence has been chipped away bit by bit not just by that woman, Subu, the other guys who rejected her and Pratik but even her own mom and Raman in a way.
Her mom got obsessed with getting her married so much so she was willing to hide the truth she believed was a detriment to her daughter' otherwise flawless credentials. When Ishita would try to make her understand that hiding a fact is not changing the reality she wouldn't budge. Rather she would try to cajole and emotionally blackmail her daughter into lying and hiding the same thing. She began to see this inability as something to be ashamed off because of her own mom in this regard. People usually hide their flaws and flaunt their positive traits. In Ishita' case the flaw or the inability as I would like to call it become much, much more bigger than her persona which ate away at her self-worth
Even Raman called her unworthy of having a child, not deserving one when she was with Shagun during the custody case of Ruhi. He has NEVER taken back those words. Now while I see a progress on his front - with the precap that had him stop and take back his words last night. He said she couldnt conceive and immediately then uttered its because they have never consummated their marriage which makes it impossible - that one moment - that taking back his words in my opinion is finally the peak of the sensitivity Raman has began to have towards Ishita in his approach but those words are still hanging between them somewhere he needs to amend those sometime
@ purple - I agree with you Sneha that Ishita has to realize her worth and take a stand and acknowledge yes this is my reality I cant change that, revert it and it hurts me to no end but I am not about to make this the only thing about me - the only aspect of my being.
But what I meant here by her needing that boost and confidence, someone else' faith was this - Ishita knows this to be true somewhere at the back of her mind, which is why she could say those words last night esp to Subu' mom that Baanj is a woman who is incapable of love and not the woman unable to conceive. But for her to voice that opinion she needed the faith, the courage which Ruhi' stand provided her, her daughter made her feel and realize so long as she can admit that she isnt wrong she need not take anyone' shit. As Ruhi said to her - why are you crying you are not wrong you are my mom.
That little girl made Ishita strong enough with her love to allow her to speak her mind. Sometimes we know the rights from the wrongs, the truths from the lies but we are so scared, so overwhelmed by our fear we only need some encouragement to voice the things we know to be true.
Ishita doesnt need someone' validation or a stamp of approval. what she needs is to know people can love her not despite that inability but even with it. That her being, her identity is not defined and limited with one attribute she has no control over and be respected for the person she is. Somewhere in the back of her mind is the idea that if the man I loved for a decade could reject me in a second I am not worthy of any love or perhaps not good enough to be considered as a partner someone would want. She has to know that it was not her inability that made her split with Subu but his lack of courage to accept the facts and live with it.
She may have been the one with the problem, but he was the one without the strength amongst them.
