Another update...phew! This update is very close to my heart, you will find out why once you read. But before the read, I have to dedicate this to three people:
1) Sana - Happy belated birthday! I know this has been in the pipeline for a while now. Hope you like and no more birthday threats! Oh, and all the best with your exams.
2) aky2401 - Happy belated birthday to you too! I hope you had a great day and sorry this is a lil late but hey, at least you waited a lot less than Sana!
3) My Nana - Wherever you are stationed at the moment, I hope you come back home safe and soon. I can't wait for your new batch of stories and can't wait for you to read this. I hope I paid justice to your pain.
Now you may read. Enjoy!
Chapter 8
We sat on the floor in silence, the only noise was coming from the constant static of the flickering light or the occasional 'twit a woo' from an owl outside. No sounds came from Yuvi not a slight shuffle nor a tiny twitch - he was still as a statue, dead as a rock staring at one spot on the floor. I, on the other hand, couldn't stop fidgeting. I can't stand silence, it scares me. I avoid being left alone with my thoughts, they drive me crazy. In my opinion, a room should never have to witness silence, people should take the corners and fill them with their merry voices. I fear the day humans run out of words, imagine a world where people couldn't talk? Or even worse, didn't talk out of choice? The thought alone just frightens me. Silence has the loudest sound and the sound doesn't ring well in my ears. See my thoughts now? They're ridiculous and when I panic, they become even wilder. No, I have to talk before full blown panic kicks in. I'm going to stay as quiet as I can for his sake (or mine) and then I'm talking, even if it's to myself.
"Can I switch on the light?"
"No."
"So, how did the door get stuck?"
"I don't know."
"You don't know?"
"That's what I said, didn't I?
"How can you not know?"
"Well, I did ask the door but it wouldn't reply. I wonder why?"
"Umm, maybe because you've inhabited this room for so long that it's following example?"
"What is your problem?"
"Me? Nothing."
"Then can't you just shut up and sit here?"
"Well..."
"Just shut up!"
"Fine!"
"Fine!"
A minute later.
"Yuvi?" His dark eyes shot at me but I had to make sure that I cut his words off with mine before he could utter another word. "I'm sorry but I just have to talk otherwise I'll start to panic and you don't want to be around me when I panic because I'm bad, I'm real bad. I'm afraid of the dark and afraid of being alone so I need you to tell me you're here. Just pretend to hear me, nod your head at intervals, occasionally look interested, that would be more than enough for me. Just let it be for tonight, please? I can't stay quiet, especially..."
"Calm down. Naina, calm down. Deep breaths. That's it, go on. Just calm down."
That helped, that really did. Deep breaths always help but I more needed to know that he won't get angry enough with my mindless chatter that he would go off another violent streak. I couldn't risk it in this dark, locked room. The acknowledgement that I'm safe calmed me down more than anything.
"Yuvi?" No reply. "Tell me about your army days?"
"The plan was that I have to suffer your nonsense, not me talking nonsense myself."
"Well, I can't talk to myself, can I?"
"I can't do this. Either you sit here and shut up or open the door and leave. Better still, open the door and let me leave!"
"Yuvi, it's only a question. If you don't want to answer, then don't. No need to flip on me every time!"
"I'm not flipping on you! What do you want me to say, huh? What do you want to know? My army days? That I saw the most magnificent and equally disgusting things of my life? Huh? Or that I lost my best friend there? Is that want you want to know?"
No, I don't. Yes, I do. I don't know. I just want to talk to you Yuvi. How do I tell you that? I just want to say hello to my old Yuvi.
"Yuvi, I understand how painful it must be but caging it up will not help. You have to tell someone. I know I'm not that person but your best friend is..."
"It was amazing. It was exhilarating. It was pressurising. It was hard work. It was heart breaking. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. You can never imagine what I've been through and I don't know how to tell you."
"You can try." He looked at me with a cry for help. It was obvious this was step he had never taken before, even though he's been anticipating it. He's has definitely been preparing for a long time, I could tell as he looked ready, he just needed a steady hand to hold and a gentle push. "Go on, you can tell me of your adventures."
"I flew under the best commander, Major General Nikhil Agarwal and with the best pilots: Chief Warrant Officer, Ashok Mehta and Mayank Shekhar. I couldn't have asked for a better leader and colleagues. What we did together, what we saw together, what I wouldn't do to get those times back?
It was dream in the beginning, making our dream a reality. After all the theory, when we finally stepped into the cockpit of our machines, the feeling is indescribable. We just sat there, touched the buttons, put on the headset, we did everything except start the engine yet when we all came away, we couldn't stop talking about it. We were doing it, finally living our lives and we were determined to rock it.
Every morning we would be called ridiculously early, made to go through rigorous exercise regimes, have a quick shower and breakfast and then up until lunch we would do the theory work. The lessons were alright, I mean what's the point of sitting in a copter if you don't know how to fly it? But then came lunch and we boys knew how to have fun. We would muck around, pull pranks, engage in mock fights and believe it or not, we loved to gossip. Who's doing what, when, and with who...all the usual. In the nights we would go out and party, loose ourselves to the stars or just stay in and play cards. That was the life, no stress, no worries. But it was the afternoons we all waited for, the practicals - learning how to shoot, how to fly your helis, the assault courses, the mock setups...all of it, we loved it.
I still can't begin tell you the feeling of being up in the air, defying gravity and roaming around with the clouds. It's just a feeling out of this world. You're free, you're powerful, you're doing something only a few others know how to. Only a person who does it can truly understand how it is. Not once does a smile leave your face, even with the knowledge that great peril is just round the corner...or shall I say down and under. Chasing each other in the air, forming formations, creating a show for those on the ground, it's the stuff of dreams.
But then came the day when we were missioned with an assignment. It only lasted for three hours but those three hours changed everything, all of a sudden things didn't looks as glorified as they were supposed to. But we had to be the brave men we promised we would be and we went out with our war faces. We all got ready in near silence, witnessing what may be the last time we saw each other, we got briefed, pep talked and we were off. Saluting each other, kissing our last letters, leaving our death letters/messages with the team remaining behind, tagging our missiles with names of our loved ones hoping that we wouldn't find the need to fire them and up we went, not too sure of we were going to come back. We still felt powerful being so high up in the air but not such in a good way, we didn't feel as free. It was then I understood the 'shock' Major was talking about. We were duty bound now, this was different, this was it.
Eventually we did need to fire the missiles, we had to otherwise it was us going down but when we all touched down, debriefed and back at our HQ, none of us wanted to talk. No numbers of how many missiles we fired, no one wanted to know how many we brought down, not even how many of us have left us. It was a sober atmosphere and we spent it silently all the way into the next day - some drinking it away, some writing letters under torches, some crying for relief.
Having experience it, our outlook of war had changed. It's nothing like the games we play on our consoles, it's hell. It's as hell as hell can be. But it wasn't long before we went back to normal pranking around, we had to or we would go insane or worse, decommissioned. But the experience was lurking in the background and I'm glad it was as it wasn't long before war was declared and we were commissioned overseas for what was supposed to be a year...but ended up being five. Five torturous years.
The things I saw then, I wouldn't wish on anyone. I would see colleagues one morning and then gone the next. I would see people blown up right in front of me, their insides on display in the most magnificent fashion. They would call out in pain, not ready to go yet and there was absolutely nothing I could do but hold them down and wait for it all to end. Some would beg me to save them, others would ask to end it quick and all I would do is stare and coax them with pathetic words. In return, they would whisper messages for their loved ones and you instantly become duty bound to pass on the dreaded message. Trust me when I say no one wants that unofficial job.
Sometimes you would go along fighting and you would see a helmet rolling on the floor knowing who it belonged to and knowing that that person is no longer with us. Other times you would see a hand, still with the watch attached, and you do you best to bury that, but this time not knowing who it belonged to.
In-between the fighting, there's that painstaking waiting. It's as bad as the fighting, sometimes worse. You have to sit there for hours at end but not once do you allow yourself to rest, not once are you allowed to blink, yawn, be unfocused. The eyes are always on the lookout, the ears are always tuned in; always waiting for that attack that you know is to come. It's probably this waiting time that sends people crazy. Of course we do our best to pass the time. Some write letters waiting for someone to come and take it away others read their letters over and over again. Some share stories off all genres, others sit there staring into space. It's tough and the biggest test of our patience. With a weapon ready in your hand, who's willing to wait? You just want to get back in the game and finish it for once and for all. But once you're on the field, you want to go back to waiting. While we dance in this game, we actually realised that all we really want is to go back home but no one is man enough to admit it.
I can't thank everyone enough for ending this war. Victory is ours, yet no one is celebrating except those who sit on their arses and direct us how it should be done. Except those who hold unnecessary hate for the opposition and think death is a good cat and mouse game. Except those who have no idea how it is to lose a loved one.
Yes, victory is ours, but I will never celebrate."
Silence. Yuvi pushed back his head against the wall and closed his eyes allowing a sole, glistening tear slowly makes it's journey down his face. I caught it just before it fell of his chin and looked at it resting in my palm. This tear was precious, if only there was a way for me to preserve it. A heavy breathed sigh escaped him as I contemplated if I should put my hand of comfort on his shoulder. I was all up for it, he needed it but needing and wanting are two different things. I wasn't sure if Yuvi would welcome my gesture at this moment, I'm sure he would see it as a violation of his personal space or as a sign of weakness directed towards him.
But how exactly do you console a man who had seen such things? How do you tell him that the country was proud and indebted to him for what he did? Where do you start? How could you even dare? You can only let him do the talking hoping that the solution comes to him by the end of it. The only dilemma is of course that sometimes you can't get your mind to hear these horrific tales. They disturb you more than those who have experienced it and I'm terrified. I'm terrified of all Yuvi has seen, of all he had to feel, of all he still remembers and will remember for life. I was imagining everything Yuvi was narrating, the happy days where he joked around with everyone, to his first mission and what a shock that must have come to him, to the war where his life changed for the ultimatum.
My whole life I've been silently cribbing that my life is in the greatest turmoil, that no one Earth could be more miserable than me. Everyone just soothed me and told me that all would be better again. But now I know. Now I know that I indeed do live in an enclosed cave, that indeed there are more people in greater suffering than I could possible imagine. My eyes are opened, thank you for opening my eyes, Yuvi. Now I know we suffer together.
I couldn't help it but extend my hand towards his shoulder, the light grasp would help us both. Why shouldn't I do it, it's just a friendly gesture anyway. I slowly swam my fingers through the air but just as my fingertips reached his shoulders, he moved and retracted my fingers as quick as possible. So I didn't do it after all. Or couldn't.
"Umm, Yuvi? Are you OK?"
"I'm fine." The answer came a lil too quick to be convincing but I didn't want to push him.
"OK. Umm, can I close the window? I'm feeling a little cold."
"I'll do it."
There he was basking in the moonlight again, looking the wonder he did when I first entered. I tried to look away before he turned around and caught me staring at him but I couldn't. My eyes were fixed and I somehow wanted him to catch me gaping at him. I wanted him to know that I'm waiting for him. But he didn't turn around. He continued to look out the window with dreamy eyes, trying to forget what he had just narrated. This gave me a chance to observe him again in silence for a lil while more. All of a sudden, an alien sensation took over me. I just wanted to get up, go over him and...and...hug him. I want to comfort him, let him know that everything's going to be ok now. That he no longer needed to feel tortured, that I will always be there for him. I...I...I wanted to what?! Hug him? Naina, get a grip. Don't let your emotions take you over. You don't like him, you're just curious. Curiosity does not equal to compassion. And you still have answered questions.
"So you were the one who was duty bound to pass on Ashok's last message, huh?"
"We should get some sleep now. You sleep on the bed, I'll sleep on the floor."
I knew he would do that. I knew that when I brought the subject of Ashok up he would switch off and shell himself up again. I have a right to know. One day or another he will have to tell me and he knows it. Of course the fact that he opened up this much tonight was more than a milestone achievement. I'm glad and in a funny sort of way I'm proud of him. Well done, Yuvi but Ashok has to come out tonight. God knows when Yuvi will open up again, if he ever will that is. He only did so tonight as he more or less had no other option. Who can say that we'll be locked up together again?
"No, it's OK. I'm not sleepy. Let's carry on talking to pass the time."
"You sleep on the bed and I'll sleep on the floor. Now."
"Fine. But I'll sleep on the floor. You can sleep on the bed."
"Just go."
"OK"
I got up and warily moved to the bed. Slowly lying down, I smelt a familiar scent, not too sure what it was. Lying on my side with my back to Yuvi, hands safely tucked under the pillow, I resorted to think over whatever Yuvi had said. There was no way I was getting any sleep tonight and I didn't think Yuvi was going to as well.
"I slammed it shut."
"Huh?"
"You asked how the door got stuck - I slammed it shut yesterday and it wouldn't open again."
"Oh. So how did you finally open it?"
"Kaka did."
"Why don't you move from here? There's another room free, you know?"
"I like this room better, the view is better."
"I know. It's beauti..."
"Goodnight"
"Goodnight"
Sigh.
Edited by Jenifer. - 14 years ago
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