Situation: Swara is not going to divorce Sanskaar. For all the wrong reasons of course.
Swara was burrowing into the almirah locker looking for something. Her efforts suddenly dislodged a pale blue bound paperback, which slipped, and lay face open on the floor. Bending down to retrieve it, Swara suddenly caught sight of her name inked in. So she just had to spy it out.
It happened to be a private journal of some sort. It was all chronicled in Sanskaar's neat and precise handwriting. He happened to have jotted down anything which he felt he needed to share, and had not been able to. It had no order however .It was not exactly a diary. The last entry went something like this.
Kavita,
I have lots to complain about today. I am damn happy that Swara decided to stay on as my wife. However she does not want to love me. Funny huh? I love her so much, it hurts. I told her so. I told you that we got married under pressure. She decided not to stay friends with me..and she decided to sever all ties with me. Then she decided to divorce me and then she decided to not divorce me. I'll tell you why. Its because she wanted to use me as an escape route...a by-way and of course as a machine to aid her many plans.
I stayed by her side all through her mission of uniting her parents and revealing her sister's truth. I told you earlier what I had done to her while seeking revenge for your death. But I tried to amend it as far as possible by standing with her when she had no one. Marrying her when she needed to be at my house for her purpose. Doing everything in my power to protect her from harm, shield her from the wrath of my misguided family. Reveal the truth which had led to her downfall in everyone's eyes. We became good friends.
I laughed again Kavi, for the first time since you went away.
Thats not enough to make a girl fall in love. I know.
Certainly not Swara. Her relationship with Lucky was torn apart so rudely, it was bound to leave scars. The trauma of her sister raising hell to remove her from his heart and life would make anyone burn down to ashes. But not her. Swara fought..and she got what she wanted. And of course felt guilty about the fact that she had somehow snatched Ragini's happiness..despite Ragini's crimes. I told you, both the sisters need psychiatric therapy. One is a murderer, another has a built in guilt and greatness complex.
I fell in love with her Kavi. I do not exactly know how, when or why. She is the first woman I've ever been myself with after you died. I knew that I wanted to love her and be her husband for the rest of my life. She and I were never the chirpy couple we used to be Kavi. I have changed from when you knew me. I am no longer a boy. I wanted to take her responsibility and see that I never caused those tears in her eyes. See that even if they were, I would be there to wipe them away. That she would let me. I wanted her to lean on me, when she needed a shoulder. I wanted to make her smile. I wanted us to be happy together.
I remember, when I told you that I liked you..you agreed with a coy look..and since that day, we slowly became inseparable. You and me sort of grew up together Kavi. We knew each other best and you were always the more mature one. It was so hard letting you go Kavi, I have no idea how I'm still living. Your death hollowed me out. I lost whatever I had. Work maybe, kept me alive; like a shell.
Until Swara came into my life...I wished that the pain would burn me out every single day. Then suddenly, helping her out became a way of life. Then she suddenly became my sunshine.
But Kavi, no matter how much I love her..and want to make her happy, she does not love me. I am nothing but a symbol. She does not agree with my way of doing things..calls them heinous. Of course, she never gets things done when she does them her way...but that useless righteous path is infinitely preferable to Swara. My ways of survival in the hungry world outside, is certainly a depraved concept to her. Her utopia of course, should be the perfect fairyland...and its rules of course would have taken me to the heights of success. They would of course, have prevented the sadness which befell her. God.
Even when she acknowledges that I'm her sole support and her best friend..she still has never tried to return the favour Kavi. Defend me yes. But that she does for everybody.
I am still everybody to her Kavi. I am nobody. Yet we are married. Told you its funny.
Selfless martyr Swara Bose. The soldier who fights the right war..and puts everything right for everyone. She is the most selfish person I have ever seen Kavi. She has been selfish to me. I was the one person, who tried to redress the wrong I did to her. I was the one who actually stopped hurting her...because it felt bad. None of her family, or Lucky and certainly not ragini, ever tried to make right what was wrong. They grovelled for forgiveness...and were forgiven. Me, who actually paused myself and stopped before hurting a blameless kid, wait for it, this Mother Teresa pained me so bad...that it feels like a permanent bruise in my gut.
But of course, I am supremely avoidable. Just because she wanted to avoid Lucky's plea of reconciliation, just because she wants her sister and him to reunite...Swara Bose denied giving me a divorce, although she wanted us to go our separate ways after her Great Revelation, which I had agreed to, knowing the dangers of forcing love.
She wants to use me, Kavi. Its okay. I am ready to be used. I'll never tell her all this. I am never going to talk to her again about my feelings. As long as she needs, she can be with me. Come and go as she pleases. I took the vow of being with her when we married.
After your death, I could fall in love again Kavi. But if a self confessed Selfless Swara who is otherwise such an angel, can do this to me...trample my heart like it was roadside weeds...
She is cruel Kavi. Nobody could be so unfeeling towards anybody who loved them. She is cruel to me..and I did not retaliate. Guess thats what love did to me.
I will never dare to fall in love again. I am scared i will be broken beyond repair.
I wish you were here Kavi. I want to talk to a friend again. My wife may hear..but she won't listen. She won't understand. Me and her are galaxies apart, even in the same room. Its suffocating..the space between us.
I want peace. I want love. I want understanding. I want hope.
I want her to stay Kavi..because her smiles cheer me up. Because taking her responsibility helps me to be happy and satisfied. And i want her to leave because I want to be loved back. This marriage is a sham. Not because of rituals. Because of its lovelessness. I am so tired Kavi. I cannot write any more.
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Swara snapped the book shut. Today, three years after this entry had been made, Swara hoped that she had finally been able to give back as much love to her husband as he gave her. There are always some wounds which we cause in our ignorance...she hoped the three years of a fruitful marriage, of falling in love with him, had finally managed to close the wounds.
Maybe she had been able to. Maybe thats why there were no entries after this in the journal.
CID
