I am Swara Bose. Or Swara Gadodia. Or in the public eye...Swara Sanskaar Maheshwari.
Do i really know who i am?
Do i really know why i'm doing what i'm doing?
I'm very adaptable. You have to be when you are the child of a single mother and have known no other family apart from your Ma and Dida ever since childhood. I wanted a father. I wanted siblings. Never had them. So i made lots of friends. And believe me, for me life was simple. As simple as it gets. I did not need more than what i had. My lovely Ma and eccentric Dida...both of whom love me to death. And of course, Music.
But then i found out that all this while, that Uncle whom i kept seeing spoiling motherless Ragini with everything since childhood, was my father. That that Ragini...who with her dewy eyes had always tentatively smiled at me, whenever she saw me and my friends chattering away...looked longingly at us, wanting to join us...yet shyly turned away, when her grandmother admonished her to stay away from Bengali lasses...was in fact my sister.
Once my ball had gone over to their balcony when i was about six. Her dadi screamed at me and refused to give the ball back. I was fixing to have a nice fight to get my ball back...and then Ragini suddenly slipped the ball back over the railing to me. Her dadi screamed at her...and then she made a cry baby face...and her dadi relented...picked her up...and went away. But seriously, before she slammed the door...i saw Ragini smiling at me. This play acting had apparently been deliberate. Its still continuing...but in the wrong way.
I got the father and sister i wanted. ragini and I united our parents. Me and she were actually happy being sisters. Or at least i was. She is so delicate and innocent...or at least thats what i thought...that i was very protective about her.
And then he came between us. Laksh. I knew this guy was trouble, when i first saw him. I thought he would destroy Ragini's life if he married her. he was such an ass then. And no, he never appreciated Ragini at all. Like never. He should have broken the relationship if he had problems with her...but no. Totally oblivious to her feelings he kept on breaking her and then giving her hope. People like Ragini...who are sweet, innocent, sensitive and not particularly noticeable...the good girls of the society to begin with...fall suddenly in love. And fall violently in love. They give unconditionally until giving becomes the only habit. Then one day...they want Reciprocation. And when they don't get it...their feelings burst all over the place.
And that was it. My sister...suddenly became my enemy...just because that loser of a guy had fallen in love with me and not her. I felt guilty that Laksh fell in love with me. Wanted to tell him to get lost..that he did not deserve my sweet sister...or me.
And then...Laksh has a way of making people feel protective about him. Same as Ragini. He wants something...goes single track for it...and even when he knows its not available(like I was not, because i am a Bengali and he is Marwari), his complete and helpless devotion to it can make you fall in love with him. And he became a better person...and a good partner. And i was in love with him. Our marriage got sanctioned somehow after a lot of turmoil. And he did fight to marry me. and i thought Ragini was okay with it. hell, she told me she was okay. She seemed okay.
I never really needed Laksh. Because I am smarter, stronger and much more independent than him. My mother does not really need my father either for the same reason. Plus he keeps breaking her trust.
But as usual...I am a sucker for relationships where I have to protect. I protected Laksh...I am still protecting ragini...I am protecting my father, who in my dictionary does not deserve my mother. But he makes her happy. So I want him back.
I DO NOT LIKE BIDDING PEOPLE GOODBYE.I READ THEM TOO CLEARLY TO NOT BE SENSITIVE TO THEIR REASONING.ITS A PAIN IN THE NECK.TO BE SO INTELLIGENT.
Laksh. Loved him. Still do. And he did stay by my side for at least part of the fight...before Ragini just went full psycho and made him disbelieve me. Once he knows the truth he will be back at my side in a flash. Because his heart has never stopped loving me. he keeps trying to find more reasons to hate me...and cannot hate me at all. Laksh is pure at heart..and his heart knows, even if his logic is not too strong.
Sanskaar.
I protected him too...even after what he did to me. I did not deserve it. No matter what his reason was.
And he understood that. He was wiser than ragini. So he braked himself because he understood that he was going all wrong. That all this would never bring Kavita back. It was time to move on.It was time to stop the destruction. Not of Laksh's love. Destruction of himself.
The only difference between sanskaar and ragini was...he could not bear to hurt me because i was not to blame at all for what happened to him..even if Laksh and his bade papa were. This was the catalyst which stopped sanskaar. Also, he loves laksh. I don't think he would have ever hurt him too much...however much he had meant to originally. But Ragini did not. Even when sanskaar tried to stop her...she did not stop. She after all is not as clever as Sanskaar is. So her brakes were not as developed as his were. Nobody is more tragic than the villain. Ragini's brains could have made her a very successful CEO or something...but instead she is wasting it here. Thats the difference between her and sanskaar...he was wiser than her...and I made him realise that he was going down the wrong road. So there he is in the light...and there she is in the dark.
And thats why I still pity her.
And Sanskaar understands. He out of his guilt, offered to help me unveil the truth.He has been with me, watching over me every step of the way. He is a great guy really. Smart, sweet, supportive, sensitive, strong. And my word, he is charming.
It is not often that you get to see the vitality of sheer wisdom and that something in your character which makes you stay on the good side. Sanskaar has that in him. He is on the good side, because he wants to stay good.He understands that I can never disregard everything else and get what i want no matter what the cost...because thats what ragini does. I will never stoop to her level. I may be perceived temporarily as the villain by my in-laws and my father...But I am desperately a hero.
He teases me about it, calls me Jhansi Ki Rani...but he knows I am right. And he respects it.
And he is in love with me. Oh boy. If I could fall in love with laksh...its very very very easy to fall in love with sanskaar. He is way better than Laksh as a guy.He is more mature...he understands me better. If I am sad...he instinctively will make me laugh...as if I am fooled by the fact that Mr.sanskaar maheshwari..one of the finest young entrepreneurs of Kolkata will be stupid enough to not know that you don't blow on a gas stove to make it burn. He just did that to make me laugh.This was just being supportive. What would his love feel like? If he could destroy people for the sake of his dead love kavita...what would he do for me?and sanskaaar has become a part of my life now. He and i belong.and the backstory does not matter.
And he knows what a near shave he had. He laughed at ragini..because he like me knows...that his and ragini's fate could have been the same. Both could be evil. But he cannot stop her anymore...she has laid nails in her own coffin. So he just wished her a happy journey hellward.
And guess what? I am done with understanding. I stand up for everyone. Its time I stood up for sanskaar. I swear if ragini tries to harm him...I will scratch her to bits. He could probably be able to defeat her with his own brains...but I ...I love him. So yes, its not protecting him. Its protecting myself. If she hurts my love again...It will kill me. and I cannot die.I'm a survivor.
He feels it for me. and i am feeling something. That I am in love. A much stronger love than the one for Laksh. This is not protectiveness. This is the meeting of equals. Sanskaar is my equal. In maturity, and in love. He will give back exactly as much I give him. He will never let me get short shrifted. Its not easy to know exactly what sanskaar feels at all times.I am probably the only person he trusts enough to share himself with. I am also the only person in his inner circle who is mature enough to get anywhere close to him. His household does not understand him. I do. And I'm going to keep him. He needs me. and i need him. Its time i paid attention to my needs. Protect someone...not for their sake...but for me.
I need someone to understand me as well as I understand them. Someone to keep me happy. Look after ME.
See thats why after all this i believe in God...and the winning of good over evil. Because in the end...god gives us exactly what we need.
'Therefore to him who knows to do good and does not..to him it is sin'
---James 4.17
Bindi
Udne Ki Aasha
Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi 2
