*From & To Sathish* - Thread 4 - Page 29

Jannal oram-223

"We bury things so deep we no longer remember there was anything to bury. Our bodies remember. Our neurotic states remember. But we don't. ? Jeanette Winterson

Jeeva stood under the shower as the cold water rained on her body and she saw the red blotches on her breasts where raman had nibbled her and she looked down and the trail of his lips and sharp teeth ran down her entire body and she shivered with pleasure as the cold water tracked the same love bites and ran between her legs where he had filled her with his warmth and body and had made her go mad with sweet ecstasy,again and again and only his work schedule stopped them from going on and on and she had no doubt that he would have gone on and on.

Slipping into a soft and worn out legging that had once belonged to suja,she pulled down the tee that raman had worn and feeling the dampness and scent of his sweat came out feeling hungry as hell.

Mani and Shaktivel looked up and greeted her and seeing her searching glances in the direction of the kitchen and around the house which was filled with silence,Shaktivel informed her that both valli and kamakshi had gone to the temple nearby and also to buy some vegetables and fruits.

Jeeva served herself with some vegetable upma that simmered with ghee and poured out the remaining chutney onto her plate and carrying her food came and plonked herself on the ground near her dad and leaning against him,began to spoon her breakfast into her hungry mouth.

Manigandan gently placed his palms on his daughter's head and jeeva looked up into his eyes ' mister mani,ore nimisham' and jumping up ran into the kitchen and came back carrying a blue bottle of Parachute coconut oil and handing it to her dad,sat down and resumed her breakfast.

Shaktivel suprised with this sudden appearance of a bottle of coconut oil in mani's hands looked at jeeva ' what is happening ma?' and jeeva with a smile ' appa,payan mattum petha ippadi thaan,for you wouldn't be asking this question if you had one or two daughters.'

Manigandan with a smile ' shakti,she is making a big deal and just teasing you.This big piglet of mine wants me to apply oil to her head and massage it,avvalavu thaan.'

Shakitvel moved by this gentle touch and bonding between dad and daughter went back to burying his face into the Hindu newspaper.

Mani poured generous amounts of oil onto jeevas head and slowly began to rub it in into her scalp and Jeeva went ' appa,use konjam pressurepa,appa thaan oil will nourish the scalp.'

Manigandan smilingly ' ammadi,this appa is not as strong as the appa when you were in school.Slow va thaan mudiyum.'

Then he suddenly stopped and lifted a few strands of hair and jeeva her mouthful of ghee upma ' enna white haira.Dei mani,your daughter too is not that same daughter that was when you were young and strong,full of youth and mischief and a mane of black hair.Vayasaachu.'

Manigandan gently rapped her head with his knuckles ' stupid,summa iru.Don't say such things for it is painful to hear and that too from your lips.'

Jeeva turned to shaktivel ' appa,my dad is being dramatic and is trying to relive nadigar thilagam and his black and white performances.'

Manigandan twisted jeevas right ear lobe and she screamed in pain and he told her ' jeeva,one day you will be a mother to one or many children and then if i am around,we will talk about this moment.okay va.'

Shaktivel put down his paper ' jeeva,mani is right.Everything changes the moment one becomes a parent for after that moment all their energy,thoughts,strength and priorities become one and focused on their child.They begin to live for the child and its future and want the child to have a beautiful and if possible an immortal life.'

Jeeva placing the empty plate on the ground nearby replied ' I know pa.I was just konjufying my appa.'

Suddenly her face turned serious and she looked at raman's dad shaktivel ' appa,i am going to ask you something which has been bothering me for a long time and i want you to answer me honestly.I promise this will be between us and only the three of us.'

Shaktivel with a loving smile ' jeeva,for all practical purposes you are my child and i will do my best to answer all your questions honestly,for like raman,my life too is an open book and sans any thrills or excitement.so go on and ask of me any question and i will answer them.'

Jeeva excitedly ' appa,okay then make that two questions.'

Shaktivel chuckling ' like i said as many as you want.'

Manigandan's face began to reflect doubts and apprehension for he knew his eldest child jeeva pretty well and she never,ever asked any flimsy or normal questions and they always left everyone surprised and puzzled.

He awaited with bated breath as to what the questions were going to be and then Jeeva asked the first one.

' Appa,i find it hard to believe that raman has been single all this while.A beautiful soul and incredibly good looking man like raman should have been grabbed many a year ago or must have had women throwing themselves at him at least for a fling or an affair.And yet,incredibly and rather strangely he has remained single and steadfast and that virtue and quality in today's world is just rare and ...'

Manigandan who was sitting behind watching shaktivel and listening to the questions jeeva was putting forth to him saw that shaktivel's expression had begun to change into that of fear and doubt and then jeeva stopped talking and silence filled their thoughts as jeeva too saw her father-in-laws face and expression and knew that she had wrongly touched some painful memory.

But before she could say sorry and apologise for asking the questions,Shaktivel turned to her ' rare indeed jeeva.Very rare and like all rare and incredible things there is a story behind that quality of raman and raman himself.'

Father and daughter remained still for they did not want to move or say something which might break the mood or the words that shaktivel was beginning to say.

Shaktivel looked at jeeva and like in any story,the silence was broken by the voices of kamakshi and valliammai and the moment slipped away like a wispy and cloud like milky ghost.

Father and daughter understood what lay behind shaktivel's subtle shake of his head and mani went back to massaging jeeva's scalp with the coconut oil and an old memory that had been about to make its presence traveled back to time and waited to be released.

Entry,Exit and In between moments

One time long ago,i stood in a long queue,desperate,eager to buy tickets to the newly released film of my favourite star and as i reached the counter,the man got up and pulled the small shutter down which proclaimed " House full"

I felt like crying,screaming,smashing everything and everyone around me and my legs were hurting badly after standing for nearly two hours.

Again,i stood after a few days and got my ticket successfully and felt like jumping up and down in joy and with a wide grin plastered on my skinny,brown face i walked like the late Nadigar Thilagam Shivaji and strolled majestically into the theater and sat down and sat down on a torn seat,half its coir gone with rusty springs sticking out and poking my then non-existent skinny butt.But i did persevere and sat through with my eyes glued to the screen and felt like a million bucks.

Once,okay,again i repeat,a long time ago,i entered the cinema complex and my heart sank to my toes for the place was crowded and it looked like some carnival in Island grounds and i thought to myself " Machaan,ticket kedacha mathiri thaan."

A tap on the shoulder and i turned in dejection and frustration written rather well on my mug and saw a couple of young girls standing with a ticket in hand and the girl said ' One of our friends could not make it.we have a spare ticket.venumma."


I am not sure how you all will take it,but honestly namma life intha cinema experience mathiri irukku.Many come with problems but luckily have a good life and depart without a squeak and giving kashtams to their friends ad family.Many come bearing a golden spoon and suffer and suffer and suffer even more when they are dying and maybe sense and hear the people standing around him thinking aloud " You are going to die,just please die quickly no.Why torture us even in your final moments?"


I think,no i am sure that this life,this lives we all lead is like a melodramatic cinema,mega serial and there just seems to be no end or answer to all the questions that keep cropping up.

Why am i here? what am i doing here? where am i going to? why am i going there?

Some movies are good.Some are real bad.Some have bad casting and ugly acting.Some have bad endings and many begin bad and end bad and you scram from the movie hall,screaming "aiyo,aazha vidu saamy."


I guess,i am sorry for often repeating and using the cliched ( I guess) for i have no better way to say or start about life and god.so,i guess like in films,the villain will be a better actor than the hero and in some the hero will outshine everybody.In many films the heroine will suck in dancing,acting and you wonder why the director and actor chose her for the villi,the vamp will be a far superior performer in all depts.

Namma vazhkaiyilu, ithe thaan prachanai.Enna kodumai saravana.

I know what you are thinking and going to ask " sarida satish,why don't you try explaining this situation,this state we are in and maybe we can make sense about all this?

" Vera vela ille."

As of now,that is my only answer for as then and as of now,i too am like the rest of the herd,searching,seeking and trying to understand what the heck is all this about? This voyage called life?

One learned and wise friend(in his own mind) patted me and whispered " see,you are going through a bad patch,little work and so all these questions will arise."

I looked at him in surprise and said " Honestly and i mean that when i say that i am happier in this situation with less and without anything than having all and content for that state leaves me even more depressed and begs more questions,like " okay what now,what next,is this it,that's all."

The wise friend,wisely shook his head and away and i heard him say " LOOSU PAIYAN,IVANELLA THIRUTHA MUDIYATHU."

I thought to myself " Enda,kettalum thappu,kekaatiyum thappu.Sonaa Loosu.Mounama irunthaa,periya loosu."

Redemption 273

You have something to say. Something of your very own. Try to say it. Don't be ashamed of any real thought or feeling you have. Don't undervalue it. Don't let the fear of others prevent you from saying it... You have something to say, something that no one else in the world has said in just your way of saying it.
William Hughes Mearns


Whatsapp is convinient and has brought us all closer and in the process shrunk the world into miliseconds for that is all it takes for a message or a pic to travel around the world,from the sender to the destined phone.Imagine the ISD call rates that made your telephone bill fatten up five or ten times the usual amount and now think how easy it is make a call or even a video call on whatsapp.Progress,technology and all they say but somehow,somewhere,something has broken down and i mean all that is called morals and virtues.

When you read the news, sometimes it can feel like the only things reported are terrible, depressing events. Why does the media concentrate on the bad things in life, rather than the good? And what might this depressing slant say about us, the audience?

It isn't that these are the only things that happen. Perhaps journalists are drawn to reporting bad news because sudden disaster is more compelling than slow improvements. Or it could be that newsgatherers believe that cynical reports of corrupt politicians or unfortunate events make for simpler stories. But another strong possibility is that we, the readers or viewers, have trained journalists to focus on these things. Many people often say that they would prefer good news: but is that actually true?

Plane crashes always make the news, but car crashes, which kill far more people, almost never do. Not surprisingly, many people have a fear of flying, but almost no one has a fear of driving. People rank tornadoes (which kill about 50 Americans a year) as a more common cause of death than asthma (which kills more than 4,000 Americans a year), presumably because tornadoes make for better television.

News is about things that happen, not things that don't happen. We never see a journalist saying to the camera, "I'm reporting live from a country where a war has not broken out or a city that has not been bombed, or a school that has not been shot up. As long as bad things have not vanished from the face of the earth, there will always be enough incidents to fill the news, especially when billions of smartphones turn most of the world's population into crime reporters and war correspondents.

While most of the United states was fast asleep,unaware of what had happened in New york,the deaths of six latin gang members and eight more dead in an allegedly Russian backed high end brothel hit the air waves all around the world and now it had become headlines and was being carried by all global tv channels.Since CNN is a 24 hour news channel,it began to report to the world that was ahead in time and thus it was that the rest of the world knew what had taken place in New york much before New york itself.

Americans woke up the next day,with all the newspapers and tv channels screaming boldly "A night of terror.Gang war strikes New York.Several confirmed dead.NYPD and the FBI are working together.A state of emergency."

It was 7.00 Am when rudran shuffled out of his room and stumbled into his friend,Dr.otto hauptmann of the Mossad.

Dr.otto was sinking his teeth into a dry piece of whole wheat toast and chewing it pointed towards the coffee maker and rudran poured himself a large mug of black coffee seated himself in the chair opposite Otto.

Dr.Otto watched in silence as Rudran spread generous slabs of golden,yellow butter on his toast and proceeded to demolish it in no time.

Dr.Otto thought to himself ' That amount of butter would give me a coronary in a matter of days' and his eyes ran over rudran who was just in a pair of boxers and a thin tee ' and here is this human,the same species as me and yet he is gorging on butter and all that has been banned for me by the doctor.'

Rudran looked up at dr.otto,his eyes twinkling ' Doc,i am in my early 30's and you are in your 60's and add to that my good genes and busy life and it is no wonder you are cursed with dry toast while i feast on butter and cheese.'

Dr.otto hauptmann dropped the toast that was beginning to taste like wood and shaking his head ' i am not even going to ask as to how you read my thoughts so accurately.'

Rudran ' please,i am no mind reader and just read the clues that was presented to me.'

Otto looked at the table and then quickly glanced all around him and then at Rudran ' what clues rudy?I see no clues here.'

Rudran took a napkin and wiped the butter of his fingers ' doc,the clues are you salaivating as i ate the buttered toast while you ate a dry piece of toast.The angst and ache in your eyes was clue enough as to what you were thinking.'

If Rudran thought his words would have the desired effect on Dr.Otto,he was now taken aback by the irritation and anger that filled his friends face and he watched as the doctor slammed his left hand on the paper and nearly screamed his head off and fighting his temper,calmed down and spat,hissed his acccuastions ' See the paper.just see for yourself what all the newspapers are reporting and then ask me why i am upset and angry with you.'

Rudran with a confusion writ large all over his face ' what is going on Otto? what are the newspapers reporting now?'

Picking up the papers,he casually glanced through all the headlines and front page news and then picked up a few more pieces of white bread toast and began to butter them heavily and looking at dr.otto ' Doc,why are you upset and importantly why are you angry with me?'

Dr.otto hauptmann nearly had a stroke hearing this casual and flippant reply from Rudy ' you mean you know nothing about all these killings that happened last night.And i repeat and stress on last night for you were out last night and as always,when you are out at night people die.Goddamn it Rudy,can't you be normal like the rest of us?'

Rudran slowly chewed on his toast and taking a big sip of the black coffee,raised an eyebrow in enquiry ' Doc,firstly there is no mention about me or you? secondly,all those who are reported dead are supposedly criminals with a long history of arrests and jail time.Last but the least,isn't New York better off with these assholes dead?'

Dr.otto placed his head in his hands and cursed in Hebrew and rudran leaned across the table and gently tapped on otto's shoulder ' Mister,have you forgotten that i can read,write and speak Hebrew perfectly.So please stop cursing me and my ancestors and my lineage.'

Otto hauptmann took a deep breath and found it brought no relief to his anger and his high blood pressure and stared with pleading eyes at Rudran ' Rudy,please for god's sake or if not god at least my sake,stay quiet and under the radar for i have risked a lot in bringing you into america and that too with an Israeli passport.'

His fists clenched into large hammers,he continued ' do you know that my whole career and reputation is at stake here and in your hands and if my people back in Jerusalem get the slightest whiff of what you are up to then it is my head on the chopping block.Israel and USA are allies and my country cannot have one our own hunting and killing in their backyard.'

Rudran nodded ' Otto,i have no idea what you are going on about and why you think i am the one who is behind al these killings?'

Dr.otto hauptmann stood up sending his chair crashing to the floor ' That's it.That's it for i have had enough of your bullshit.'

reaching for his mobile,he dialed a number and spoke in hebrew and then glaring at rudran ' two men.No make that four and i want them for protection of an asset.Okay.I am in the safehouse with the person and i will wait here until your team gets here.'

Rudran looked at dr.otto ' doc,you are really going overboard here.'

Dr.otto hauptmann ' son,those men are not for protecting you.But protecting others from you and i hope at least now you don't wander off on your own in the dark and indulge in more deaths.'

Rudran looked at Otto whom he had had mentor student and also a bit off a father and son relationship and then took a few more slices of white toast and began to generously slather it with blueberry jam and then proceeded to demolish six hardboiled eggs and whole,white and yellow.

Dr.Otto's eyebrows shot up high as he watched rudran clean up and eat everything and wondered loudly ' where are you putting away all this food and how the heck do you manage to remain so lean and muscular and that is an answer only god himself can answer.'

Rudran smiled and thought back to ancient times,a time when his people were worshipped as gods and he thought back to the present and how the clan of Suryavamsam worshipped him and whispered to Otto ' God,yes.Only god knows.'


The boy who went into the dark and came back with light.

Jannal oram-224




Raman parked his car in the parking lot of Rangachari & Associates and pulled the hand brake and then as was his practice,put the car in first gear.His dad shaktivel had taught him these safety procedures a long time ago while he was teaching him to drive in their ancient premier padmini that had been in their family from their grandfathers time and was doing pretty good when it was gifted away.Raman had been in his early teens and had absorbed all that his father had taught him,about driving and life too.

Raman stood with a smile near his ageing santro and looked into the distance and his dad's voice sounded just as fresh and new and it thundered ' Iyaa ram.Driving a car needs a lot of care and importantly a lot of discipline.It is not liking riding a cycle or a motorcycle and requires great patience and once again,importantly a lot of tolerance.'

Raman fixed his dad with his laser like stare and thought and shaktivel could see his young and only son's brain ticking hard and then the questions came ' Appa,i understood everything you just said but just the word tolerance and i am curious as to why you used that word in this context of driving a car.'

Shaktivel smiled and ruffled his son's thick black wavy hair and answered ' iyaa,a car weighs nearly a ton or more depending on the vehicle,unlike a two wheeler that will at the most weigh about 100 to 150 kgs.A car in motion can do significant and grevious damage if it hits a pedestrian or a passing vehicle.It becomes fatal when you hit a cyclist or a two wheeler and even if you happened to be in the right and they have driven recklessly.So,we need to be patient and tolerant with other drivers and vehicles when we are driving and not succumb to our moods.'

Raman got out of the car and wondered if his dad's old fiat padmini was still pottering around in the streets of trichy and if that mechanic Salim was alive after all these years.

Then a thought struck him ' why not all of us celebrate this coming diwali in trichy and in our house there' and decided that he would put this proposal before the others while having dinner.

Picking up his briefcase,laptop and his black coat,an advocates uniform,raman walked the twenty feet across the parking lot and entered the air conditioned office space of his law firm and was stunned with the welcome.

All eight of his colleagues along with jennifer the company secretary stood with bouquets and gifts and Raman stood with a goofy smile for he had not come to work after his marriage and now feeling rather embarrased,he thanked them and also apologised profusely for not informing them and inviting them to the wedding.

Jennifer with a sad smile,tip toed and placed two gentle kisses on both his cheeks and whimpered in grief ' there goes my last hope of getting married and losing my spinster status.'

Raman gave her a big warm hug ' jenny,you are nearly 60 years old and so you are not a spinster anymore but an dinosaur.Honestly,i waited for your proposal but since you showed no interest had to settle for second best and her name is Jeeva.'

He looked at all of them ' i am sorry that i could not invite you all for the wedding but i promise that i am having a small reception and party in our new house and all of you are invited once i fix up the date.'

Matthews,sridhar,Srinivasan and the others wished him and welcome him back and raman thanked them all again and again and then the door opened and the boss stepped into the office and like mice scampering to their holes when a cat arrives,all of them dived to their seats and began to prepare for their work and cases in court.

Raman wished his boss Krishnaswamy iyer a good morning and was about to move towards his desk,when Mr.Krishnaswamy iyer stopped him ' Ram,there was no hurry for you to get back.I myself was handling the seven cases of yours and got all of them adjourned to next week.'

He looked at raman ' you know something,despite your clients being aware of me and my seniority,all of them pleaded and a few demanded and threatened that you return for they seem to be very happy with you and your style of work.'

Raman shrugged ' maybe sir,but i think that they prefer me to you for you are very intimidating and can sometimes come across as a very scary person.Forget my clients for i too quake in my shoes when i am summoned to your den for a discussion.'

Krishnaswamy iyer looked down and then turned to his left and stared at the large portrait of his grandfather the late Mr.Rangachari who had been his guru,guide and mentor ' Raman,maybe i unconsciously imbibed my grandpops traits and eccentric behavior.i styled myself according to my master for he was the best and i thought that there was nothing wrong in following a true master and mentor.'

His eyes slowly traveled all over the office and returning to raman ' If you and the others think that i am scary,you should have seen Mr.Rangachari i action for he had most of the judges running for cover and it was said that once he had decided to appear in a case then it was over and the other side knew that they had lost even before the case came to trial.'

Raman totally amazed ' wow! must have been a glorious sight to watch him in action in a court sir.'

Krishnaswamy iyer nodded with a smile and then he gently patted raman's shoulder ' and ram,i see the same in you as i saw in him.People respect you,fear you and love you the same way they did to my Grandfather and i want you to become even greater than him and i am damn sure that you will.'

Raman moved by this immense praise,humbly replied ' i will do my best sir and will give my all and make you proud of me.'

Krishnaswamy iyer smiled ' i know you will my boy.Now stop talking and wasting my time and get back to work' and saying this loudly,marched into his room.'


Raman smiled ' back to work and back to the fold once more.'

Books galore

Book reading is a dying passion and yet everyday you have hundreds of new authors releasing their books although a very few,scant few write well and make money in the process.

Plenty,too much, spoiled for choice are some of the words that spring to my mind when i browse the choice of books that are spread before me and also curses such as copycat,exact copycat and unabashed imitation do crop up regularly as i read the synopsis of each book that the friendly librarian suggests although he himself does not read them.

I raise my eyebrows in question marks and Ravi the librarian will reply with his standard answer " Nalla movementu sir."

Right,you guessed it for whenever or whatever book he has suggested has invariably bombed and bombed badly.No,
it is not about the prose or the writing skills and as always it is about the story.

For example,in 2003,Dan brown released " The Da Vinci Code " and it became a huge bestseller and to date has sold more than 80 million copies.

Now,just pause and try to decipher or simply understand why this astronomical sales figure when his previous three books, " Digital fortress,Angels & demons and Deception point" hardly sold 10,00 copies each and he only got so,so reviews.

Religion my beauties,legends,folk tales,epics,fantasy all mixed in perfect proportions with the main ingredient of Jesus christ and his love life.Now add to this,the ache,pining of the entire christian world that are awaiting with hope for the second coming of Christ the savior and also dangle temptingly the possibility of a child from the blood of jesus who is thought to be the son of god and well you have a bestseller in your hands.

For another example,you have to just take the pathetic example of a writer called "Amish tripathi" and his stories about Shiva and other Hindu gods and well,once again you rake in the crores and i mean many crores.

The Da Vinci Code spawned many copies and bas***ds and thus came alive many writers following the themes of Dan brown and some went ahead and wrote better than him and with better stories but could replicate the forerunner,Mr.Dan brown.

How many ever Tamil tv channels keep coming,Sun tv is still number one although it has been in a coma for a long time now and Vijay tv and Zee tamil have finally caught up with it and its ratings.

Irunthaalum,who comes first seem to have the misplaced loyalty and viewership,readership and it remains thus for a long,long time until they slip,slide out of contention and the best sellers list.

When the movie Subramaniapuram,directed by Sasi kumar was released to great acclaim and success,it spawned many copies and that impact is still to be seen in the 70's hairstyles and bell bottoms if not in the whole film at least in songs.

So,be it Dan brown's Da Vinci code or Sasi kumar's Subramaniapuram,people who call themselves creators are just like sheep following the leader or shepherd and attempt to pass themselves off as the original.

This happened with J.R.R.TOLKIEN's " the lord of the rings" for it paved the way for that fantasy genre and the result was a flood of books that has not stopped to this day.

Jannal oram-225


"There's a story behind every person..There's a reason why they're the way they are. They aren't just like that because they want to be. Something in the past created them, and sometimes it's impossible to fix. You need to understand and try to change the way you think about them. Remember, sometimes you only know their name, not their story and we can't push people to tell us their story. Hanny Quinn

As a mother who has carried you in her womb,delivered you,nourished you,cherished you, then it is only obvious and hardly surprising that she will know from every breath and every step you take what is ailing your body and mind.The closer the bonds,then a parent will know by the very air and its silence around its child if something is wrong or if something is different.Now,that care and power extends to the wife who lays her body,her soul in nakedness and bares all to her partner.Secretly,subtly and with immense love,a woman takes on the role of a wife and a mother with grace,dignity and that is something a mother can never do.But that debate is for another day.

But it was not very hard for both the mothers and wives Kamakshi and Valliammai to sense something was wrong by the way jeeva,mani and shaktivel looked at them and at each other and Valli looked anxiously at her husband ' Shakti,anything wrong?' and he shook,shrugged and tried burying his face behind the paper,mumbling an evasive answer ' wrong,what could be wrong?'

Valliammai knew immediately that something was wrong from the way her husband evaded her question and her look and decided to let it go for the moment and wait for a better time to talk to him.

But Kamakshi was not Valli and Manigandan her husband was not Shaktivel and his expression alone gave him away and yet he subtly winked at her and shook his head.

Shaktivel's fingers clenched the newspaper and then he folded it and dropping it on the table ' okay,valli,okay.There is no problem but just that we were discussing something and the sudden arrival of both of you startled me and i clammed up.That's it.'

Valliammai slowly placed the jute bag full of vegetables on the carpet and folding her hands like the teacher she was,she stared at the newspaper and then the newspaper slowly dropped,revealing shaktivel's face and he took just a moment to read his wife's expression and then softly dropped the newspaper on the table.

Jeeva jumped in head,heels and all ' amma,we were just talking about Raman and if he had ever had any girlfriend in school.someone he was soft on,a crush or something like that.'

But she stopped suddenly and her curiosity and focus now shifted on to shaktivel and she asked him tentatively ' shaktipa,what is going on? why are you acting this way and all i did was ask you a very innocent and harmless question which has no bearing on our present lives.'

Valliammai felt a sudden onset of a migraine and squeezing her head,she sat down next to shaktivel and kamakshi worried ' valli,do you want something for your headache' and valli smiled ' No,kamakshi.it will pass.but a cup of coffee will be good.'

Jeeva raised her hand ' amma,me too' and kamakshi looked at both the guys who nodded wordlessly and off she went but not without a parting shot ' no more words or discussion until i get back or there will be hell to pay.Anything to do about raman is much better than any of my current fav tv series and that includes vani rani too.'

The Five sat in a circle and glanced at each other as they took sips of the coffee and jeeva not able to contain her curiosity and excitement,nearly yelled her thoughts ' are we five sitting and conspiring against the world or hatching some mass terrorist plot,for that is how it feels to me.'

Manigandan turning to jeeva ' jeeva,i am sorry but you are being rude and that is not very becoming of you.'

Jeeva knew from experience that her dad very rarely raised his voice and even more rarely rebuked her and feeling very embarrassed ' appa,i just want to know more about my husband and honestly is there anything wrong or criminal in wanting that.'

Kamakshi glanced at jeeva and that too rather sternly ' ennadi un problem.Raman is your husband and nobody is denying that but don't forget for a moment that he happens to be their son and that they have known him for a much longer time that you have known him.so,mind your manners and wait for them to speak and even if they don't,you should be putting all these questions to your husband and not ask his parents without his permission and that when he has not taken you into his confidence himself.'

Jeeva nearly exploded and before she could answer her mother,Valliammai gently lifted both her hand and softly ' both of you please,remain calm while me and shakti decide what we can tell or not tell.'

Shaktivel looked at his wife with astonishment ' valli,why all this buildup?' and looking at jeeva ' ammadi,honestly me or valli don't know much about raman and his crushes,if he did have any.But,he did suddenly change his mind and decided to come to chennai rather than remain in Trichy for his college.'

Valliammai looked at her palms as if she could read the lines that criss crossed them ' Suddenly yes,but also because of the sudden death of one of his classmates.'

Jeeva's voice reflected her concern ' Omg! what happened? was it an accident.Did he fall sick or something?'

Shaktivel's deep,baritone voice filled their ears and filled their souls ' It was not a he jeeva but a she.And she was madly in love with our raman and then suddenly everything spiraled out of control and our lives were never the same again.'

Jeeva sighed heavily and leaning back asked shaktivel what her name was.

' Madhavi.Her name was Madhavi and she had just turned sixteen.'

Guilt trip


"I get up and pace the room, as if I can leave my guilt behind me. But it tracks me as I walk, an ugly shadow made by myself. Rosamund Lupton, Sister

If,If only we could manage to live out a life without that horrid feeling called Guilt.To my knowledge,Guilt is that uneasy,horrible,sick feeling that closes its palms around your very soul and you know that you are in the wrong.So,then guilt can also then be called as conscience.

The first course of action for most when faced and drowning in guilt is to hurriedly locate,identify the moment when they went wrong,overboard and then face the person and say from the bottom of the heart,really meaning it ' I am sorry for my words.I am really sorry that i hurt you.'

Well that is guilt,real action and reaction of the same soul and that is a vital essence of our daily life.

I stepped out of the temple and was confronted by a couple of beggars.Old people,dirty,smelly and real beggars.
I reached to my pocket on my chest of my white kurta where lay a few ten rupee notes and then stopped and a voice,i am sure that it was my onw voice and no thunder from the heaven's above and it mumbled ' Why bro? why are you handing out ten rupee notes to these beggars?'

I stopped and asked myself ' Right,why indeed?' and if you ask yourself this,then you are ready for the first course in human psychology and only if you are interested.

Be it temples,Hotels,Banks,Atm's,traffic signals,shopping malls,these beggars are there,omnipresent like god and well God does kind of figure in this topic.For most of us make no differentiation between God and Guilt.

70 percent will reach to their cash stash and hand out money ranging from 1 rupee coin to a hundred rupee note and maybe even more.

A beggar on a single shift starting from early morning to afternoon outside a temple makes a killing.And a killing in his worlds means,enough cash to buy a breakfast and a morning cutting at the Tasmac that opens its arms to all and sundry by 11.00 am.

Tasmac is the only place where a man will get down from a BMW or Mercedes and purchase a bottle and at the same time will have a beggar buying a quarter and getting his fix.

Most of the beggars i have the luck to come across are bonafide Alcholics and that includes the women too and they can drink a man under anytime and for more info and proof,please haunt the Besant nagar Rathnagireeshwarar temple and see all these professional beggars for yourself.

Guilt,Manipulation and we succumb for we are born suckers to these emotions and devices that is used by the people who are sometimes beggars on the streets but scarily,they live among us as family and friends.

Stop,halt and recollect how many times your wife,child or someone who is a citizen in your realm shed tears and whimpered sadly and you melted and gave in and later thought to yourself " W*F,what did i do wrong and why am i feeling guilty and so terrible?'

Well,you just got a taste of what a beggar does and pardon my crude comparision for in the end,in the brain it only boils down to guilt and manipulation.

Jannal oram-226

"You read and write and sing and experience, thinking that one day these things will build the character you admire to live as. You love and lose and bleed best you can, to the extreme, hoping that one day the world will read you like the poem you want to be. Charlotte Eriksson

" Madhavi" Jeeva said the name and said it again and again as if by doing so,she could get a feel of this long gone person and she felt a strange sadness fill her soul and also felt a bit of jealousy that someone other than her could have loved Raman.

An expression of disgust about herself for feeling jealous spread on her face and Raman's dad Shaktivel leaned forward with concern and anxiety towards her ' amma jeeva,sorry if we have upset you with this ancient news.'

Jeeva looked at them both ' No pa,that expression of disgust was aimed at myself for hearing that a girl had loved raman and that too before me made me angry and jealous.'

But both sets of parents could see that there was a sense of disappointment lingering on jeeva's face and valliammai tried to placate her ' jeeva,all this is water under the bridge and it happened so many years ago.'

Jeeva shrugged ' amma,anything and everything about raman interests me for i love him so much.I guess i am feeling a bit upset that he did not mention this in all these months that we have been together.'

Facing both of Raman's parents,jeeva with curiosity in her heart ' can you tell me more about this Madhavi and what exactly happened and how she died?'

Then kamakshi took them all by surprise by telling jeeva ' Enough jeeva.Enough of all this questions and digging for information about raman and his past.'

Jeeva irritatedly turned to her mother ' amma,what is wrong with me asking about raman? he is my husband and is it not fair that i want to know more about him?'

Jeeva's dad Manigandan looked at his eldest daughter ' Jeeva stop behaving like a spoilt child and like your mother said,enough of this topic.'

Jeeva angrily ' what do you mean enough dad?'

Manigandan sadly ' I meant enough of discussing raman with his parents? I mean enough of such talks about dead people when we are still recovering from our own dead.And lastly and more importantly,if you want to know more about his lady Madhavi and his past,then you should ask your husband raman and not go behind his back and snoop around.Drop it and i mean it.'

Both shaktivel and valliammai had never seen mani speak with so much steel and authority and shaktivel tried to intervene for all of them saw the anger in jeeva's face.

Kamakshi stopped shaktivel ' shakti sir,what my husband said was absolutely right' and looking at jeeva ' endi,in all this time that you and raman have been together,has he ever asked anything about you and your past life.If you had a boyfriend and has he once asked about Bharat and yet here you are with all these questions.Go and have your bath and then come to the kitchen and help me with todays lunch.'

Jeeva stood up and timidly and looked at raman's parents ' sorry,i am really sorry for my bad manners.I had no right in asking you about raman's past.Please accept my apologies and forgive me for my callous behavior.'

Saying this,jeeva walked off to her bedroom for a bath and manigandan looked at the rest ' i know my daughter very well and i swear that this is not the end and tonight raman is going to have his hands full.'

Kamakshi smiled and elbowed mani who winced in mock pain ' mani,i too know my daughter very well and also know a bit about my son-in-law raman and i think he can handle her and a million jeeva's and a billion questions,for his heart is pure and is filled with love and all that only for jeeva.'

Jannal oram-227

Jeeva knew how important she was in the daily workings of K.K.Agarwal Enterprises and also knew that a prolonged absence,regardless of the reason would hinder the normalcy and slow down their office machine.This was simply because she had a direct involvement in all aspects of their company and this had met with everyone's approval for Jeeva could see in the files and numbers what others missed or simply could not see.

So,from the third day of suja's death,Jeeva had been in constant touch with her boss K.K and the office secretary Hema and it was with her that she was chatting on the phone and all the while looking at the files on the laptop and scanning and scrutinizing them with her eagle eyes.

She stopped at one file and spoke ' Hema,go back to page 6 and to that bill presented by Mr.Ashok kumar,owner of Rungta Plywoods and check that billing against the older bills for i think the man is overcharging us and it has been steadily increasing.'

Closing her eyes,she remembered another plywood dealer that had come into the office and had quoted very reasonable prices and that had been a few months ago.

' Hema,check the office files from june and i think if i am not wrong it will be the file on 13th of 14th and you will see a quotation by one Mr.Kannan who was representing Kothari plywoods and laminates and contact them and ask them to be in the office at 10.30 am to discuss the deal.'

Hema who was in their office in Broadway,Parrys nearly jumped up from her chair ' Jeeva ma'am,Tomorrow morning,that means you will be here.'

Jeeva ' yes,hema.I will be there by 9.30 am.I have already informed K.K sir who asked me to take a few more days off and continue to work from home itself.But,i think it is time that i began my normal schedule.'


The workaholic she was,jeeva finished her conversation with hema and dived right back into the office files that was mailed to her everyday in the evening by Hema.

She did not notice that time had traveled on and only looked up to see raman standing near the bed watching her with love and devotion.

She placed the laptop by her side and opened her arms wide and raman gently went into her arms and jeeva covered his mouth with hers and hugged him tightly to herself.he lay half sprawled and in her loving arms and looking at her,he whispered ' It is so great and beautiful to be in love.Being away from you felt like a death sentence and time seemed to crawl so slowly and all i wanted so desperately was to be with you,see you and talk to you.'

Raman's eyes had seen her drowned in the laptop and he casually asked her ' all well in your office.'

Jeeva nodded with a smile ' all okay boss.Just a few tinkering to be done and i will be doing that tomorrow morning.'

Raman surprised and taken aback ' but i thought you were going to take a whole month off before returning to work.What made you change your mind?'

Jeeva ' well you can go to work without taking a month off and i should not.Please,one rule for you and one rule for me.very sad.'

But jeeva seemed to have forgotten that her husband was one of the city's top advocate and raman with a playful smile,looked up into her eyes ' madam jeeva avargale,i think i am right when i say that i never said i am going to take a month off from work.It was you who declared that and so you see there is no rules at play here.'

He sat up slowly with his eyes on hers and he knew something was amiss and lifting her face up gently ' What is bothering my beautiful queen? Tell me who has hurt you and i will slay that villain this very moment.'

Jeeva looked at him tentatively ' raman,who is Madhavi?'

Jannal oram-228

We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly. -Sam Keen

Should i or shouldn't i is the question at this juncture and i should methinks and so shall it be.

To begin with,is there really a state of perfection or do we mistake harmony and gratification for that elusive,godlike state called perfection.If Mother nature made evolution as the process to perfect its children and started it from a single cell,some four billion years ago on this planet,then should we call ourselves,us humans the end or the current state where the process is right now.

So,if us humans are the right now ground reality of mother nature's evolution then she herself is wrong,deadly wrong for humans,her own spawn have killed off their own brothers and sisters and have nearly destroyed their homes too.

There you have it,a four and half billion year old process of perfection has failed miserably and spectacularly and how then can we expect a mere 40 or 50 year old marriage to be perfect.

Definition of perfection

1 : the quality or state of being perfect: such as
a : freedom from fault or defect : flawlessness
b : maturity
c : the quality or state of being saintly
2 a : an exemplification of supreme excellence
b : an unsurpassable degree of accuracy or excellence



This above mentioned definitions are then what perfection is supposed to be according to the English dictionary.

Okay,a perfect person i can imagine but two perfect people in a perfect relationship,marriage and that too for a long,long period of time.Please,comeon you know that is near impossible.Yes,we hear granny myths,legends,ancient stories about how our ancestors,forefathers lived and loved and had a happy married life.

Bollocks,i say.utter bullshit. The reason for my sanitised expletives is that we humans by nature are chameleons and will think one thing and say one thing and mean another things.

We are not all the superstar who spouts mass lines such as ' Naa oruthadava sonna athu nooru thadava sonna mathiri.Naa solratha thaan seiven,seiratha thaan solven.'

I fear that i am getting carried away from the story and i will end it here by saying that we human beings sometimes and very rarely exist briefly in a so called perfect situation but that is like the elusive ghost and vanishes like that,a flick of the finger.Gone.And mostly that perfect situation is when your lovemaking is culminating in a climax when you and your partner come at the same time and rejoice in the moment and as if you have reached the peaks of Mt.Everest.

All right,okay,there are other picture ready moments such as taking your new born child into your arms,Hugging a close friend tightly,sitting together and watching the sun come or the sun go down and those you know,sweet and syrupy Hallmark moments.

Well,if perfection is a state where you score 100 out of 100 then i guess we all should strive to at least get a first class,distinction or in the least get a pass mark and scrape through and not fail and get passed on by quota system.

Secretly,methinks that most of us are languishing in the quota system and get a pass mark by sheer grace of a higher power.

The self,the spirit,the genie and sometimes demon that is locked up in this body of ours is a illusion and drowned in confusion with so many questions and no answers and now throw that into a bond,relationship with another being and pray tell me how can there be perfection.we can pretend to be perfect.yes,we can only pretend and make believe.If our lives are an illusion then we surely are the greatest of magicians,conjurers of tricks.Let the show begin.


Hey,hey satish.W*F da,ivallavu solliten,mudichitu poyen.

ok.ok,try panneren.

As far as i am concerned one way to a perfect marriage or a perfect relationship and perfect friendship is to live and let live,love without being judgemental and accept your mistakes and accept that others too make mistakes and don't be hard on yourself and the others in your orbit too.

If the planets can exist in peace in their own orbits and around the sun,we too can as we spin around life and love in our own space and in our own orbits.




If jeeva had expected Raman to be shocked,angered,irritated or even scared by her sudden question about Madhavi,a girl from his past,she found her expectation turn to disappointment for was the one who was surprised and unnerved by his calm and cool reaction.

Raman chuckled softly and with his eyes never wavering or moving away from the eyes of jeeva and he answered ' Appo,dad and mum entertained all of you with flashbacks and stories from my high school.'

He gently stroked her cheek with the back of his hand and asked her with dignity that she realised at that moment that only he could manage even in the most funny situations ' madhavi.ask me baby,ask what you want to really ask and i promise that i will answer them honestly and without hiding anything.'

Jeeva was not prepared for such a question for she had thought that raman would evade or at the most brush off her questions about Madhavi with some vague answer.

Seeing her hesitation and confusion,raman understandingly ' jeeva,you are hesitating because you don't know what to ask about this person called Madhavi for you only heard about her today and from my parents.But let me tell you that she was my classmate for about 8 years and that's it for she was just my classmate.I had nothing to do with her in the way of a crush or love and i guess that should answer your question and settle any doubts you might have about your husband and his chastity.'

Jeeva''s eyes filled with tears that sprang from guilt and she quickly,hurriedly apologised ' sorry ram.I am really sorry for this uncouth behavior of mine.'

Wiping her tears away,she looked at him ' i love you so much and i know that you belong to me and more than anything i know that you are mine,totally and yet this stupid,childish and frail soul of mine withers and wavers in doubt.It is my problem and has nothing to do with you or this lady called Madhavi.'

Raman wiped her tears away and taking both her hands,kissed them softly ' jeeva,there is no need to apologise for you have done nothing wrong.Maybe,i should have mentioned this earlier but i erred and thought it was of no consequence to our relationship and so brushed it away and into the past where it belongs.'

Jeeva leaned close and cupped his lean,bony face with her hands and looked into his black,inky eyes ' ram,god must have broken the mould after he made you for i have in my life not met anybody so honest and dignified.No,not even my parents.'

Raman began to plant soft,hot kisses on her lips ' madam,no mould or other virtues and only practical and functional virtues.I don't let unnecessary stuff fill my head and importantly my heart and have always taken things lightly.'

Saying this he covered her mouth with his and let his tongue enter her mouth and instead of responding to this passion and lusty kisses she pushed him away and panting for breath ' ram,just one question,please just one question.Your parents told me that she died suddenly,but they did not tell me why or how she died.Please,what happened to her? did she fall sick or something like that.'

Raman looked at her and sighed heavily ' jeeva,she is dead and gone and is history.so how does it matter how she died or what killed her?'

For the first time,the very first time,jeeva heard and saw something dangerous in raman's eyes and it took a few moments to realise that he was upset and angry but was restraining himself with tremendous control.

Then she did a mistake and that was instead of backing off seeing his discomfiture which would have been the decent thing to do,she instead advanced boldly and recklessly and questioned him ' raman,it is a simple question and yet you are evading it and not answering it properly.Just answer it and be done with it.what did she die of? i ask this because it is such a tragedy for a girl to die at such an young age and you knew her for so many years.It must have been a tremendous shock and loss for all of you.'

Raman looked at her ' Jeeva,you and your questions.Do you think our life is a story like Silapathigaram and that you are Kannagi and i am Kovalan and you are questioning me about Madhavi,the woman i betrayed you for while being married to you.'

Jeeva was totally taken aback with raman's words and she stammered ' what,what are you going on about silapathigaram,kannagi and kovalan?'

Raman smiled like a devil and reaching for her began to kiss her roughly 'enough of these questions.let it go and let us think only about ourselves.'

Jeeva was still too shaken to protest and just as she began to protest,she was overpowered by his immense strength and she could do nothing as he tore her clothes off her and slipped out of his clothes and began to make love to her.

Jeeva felt his roughness and a bit of cruelty and anger in the way his hands ran over her breasts and in the way he bruised her lips with his and then he spread her legs wide open and thrust himself into her and she screamed in pain and then with the waves of pleasure that his every deep thrust brought all over her body and every thrust was slow,deliberate and he pushed his hardness deep into her as if he wanted to touch her soul and then her wetness exploded like an atomic bomb and the pleasure was so intense that she felt her heart would stop and that she would die,but this only urged him to be more rough with her and he ravaged her with orgasm after orgasm and then he poured himself deep into her and she felt his orgasm,hot,scalding hot and he sank deep into her and on to her and jeeva held him close and kissed his ears and threw her legs over him and held him tight inside her.