WHAT makes a GOOD marriage? a GOOD WIFE?

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Sid

@Sid4TeamCanada

Sparkler

+ 3

Posted: 15 years ago

ok so ppeepz, i FINALLY saw the REST of yest's episode😛 yup yup FINALLY i got over the HAWTNESS to actually ssee the rest of their convo😛

and here's something that came to my mind, about all our desi dramas..

what really makes a goof wife? a good marriage?

are what oue desi soaps showing really RIGHT? how they are showing wives to beso mysterious and hideous around their husbands - is that RIGHT?

yes in our culture, one's parents, as in wife's in-laws, are given a lot of respect... u'r supposed to respect them a lot, try to obey them as much as possiblee, keep them happy, not try to create conflict b/w them and ur husband... BUT... at the end of the day, on whom do ur rights and responsibilities rest more: ur HUSBAND or ur IN-LAWS? this is the q that we see raised in NUMEROUS SHOWS, yet i feeel NONE of our desi show till yet has managed to give us the right ans...

a girl, regardless of whichever religion or culture we talk here, marries the GUY! yes, in our culture, guy's family is highly imp... but at the end of the day, i believe (and i think this is what has been taught to most of us through our cultures/religions) that a wife's FIRST and TOPMOST priority shud be her HUSBAND! so isn't the HUSBAND with whom the wife is first and foremost supposed to build a STRONG relationship with?? shouldnt the husband come BEFORE the in-laws? heck, husbands even comes before ur own (maiden) family!

then WHY.. again and again, in EVERY OTHER SERIAL, do we see EVERY WIFE hiding the truth or lying to her husband about issues -specially ones related to the HUSBAND'S FAMILY?! not answering husbands straight up, not giving them answers to matters that RELATE TO THEM... information that the husbands need to know.. and whether or not it relates to the husband or not, what is the first step in strong marriage? TRUST... and just HOW SPECIAL and STRONG shud a trust be between a husband and wife? shudn't the HUSBAND be the wife's closest confidant??? shudn't the husband be the one the wife can share ANYTHING and EVERYTHING with??

then why do we have wives who hide info abt her in-laws from her husband, either to not create conflict/ disrespect the image of the concerned famiyl member, or because she does not trust her husband's reaction, thus not sharing such info with the husband? while the husband is going crazy trying to decipher just WHAT IN THE WORLD is wrong with his wife.. or rather with him, that she isn't telling him anything... isn't it the RIGHT of the husband to know almost whtever goes on in hid wife's mind - specially if it relates to him or his family? don't wives expect and claim the right to know whetever the husband is feeling or thinking? they do right... then why do our desi shows have to show husbands as such little trustworthy?

in khanak's case, its a case of husband vs MIL.. who shud value more to her? HUSBAND! infact, this shud have been the FIRST thing she shud have done - disclose the whoel trut to shaan as soon as she found out..

yes i know there is the whole backbiting thing in our culture, and how guys tend to be suspicious of their wives trying to spread wrong info abt their family just to distance the husbands away, but those are EXCEPTIONS.. aren't they? if the husband can't trust his wife, or wht she says, that's HIS PROBLEM.. he shud know his wife is better than spreading false info... but wht we have in desi serials is wife ulta hiding or lying to husband...

and THEN... as it is a desi soap, we know that SOMEHOW, by FATE, the truth will be revealed.. and the shaan wud be all like - "ooh.. main kitna idiot thaa.. she was just tryign to defend my mom.. my mom was the wrong one..khamokha i scolded khanak so much".. *rolls eyes* yes u guys got it right, i am frustrated! becz this is just not the right way.. and the husband shudnt be all GREATFUL to his wife for hiding info from him😡 no he shudnt! he shud be angry at her at the fact that THIS IS THE VALUE SHE GIVES HIM? what is he her husband or her servant, that she doesn't even trust HIS TRUST... spouses need to TRUST each other.. and MOST IMPORTANTLY: they need to TRUST each other's TRUST!..

kyunka shanak ke case mein, and in many other ZILLIONS OF desi couple cases, yehi prob ho rahi hai..that the wives mostly do not trust their HUSBAND'S TRUST on them... if a wife has trust on her husband's trust, if she KNOWS her husband TRUSTS her, and that he wud truly try to understand and believe whtever she says, then yeh sab probhi na oo...

sooo pppeeplezzz... long post i know.. but this is really frustrating.. to see the same issue raised again and again, and to see it being dealt with so wrongly.. atleast in my opinion this is not the way such issues shud be dealt with.. a husband shud be the most important person in the world for the wife.. and being so, HE shud have ALL THE RIGHT to know whtever is troubling is wife.. whtever is going through her mind.. specially if it is somethign that is relevant to him... that is why marriage is such a sacred and such a beautiful relationship..a perfect marriage wud be one in which before being lovers, the spouses are each other's close FRIENDS.... and friends trust each other, friends are not scared of being taken wrong if they tell each other something, friends are not scared of of their friend not trusting them.. nope..and neither shud spouses be..=)

and LASTLY, i am going to end my long speech with the following questions for those of our forum members who are married😊 i am not married so i am just talking from wht i feel right now based on my ideals of a marriage.. however , for all u married ladies out here, what wud u have done if u were in khanak's place?? wud u have hidden such a major info from ur husband? just to save ur MIL? or just becuz u were afraiid ur husband wud misunderstand u? even wheen ur husband was so desperately demanding answers from u???? what wud u do.. maybe if some1 can explain khanak's view better to me, then i might sympathise with khanak more, or atleast try to understand or justify wht she is doing..

and and rest of u single girls out there😛 just give in ur feedback or comments abt this topic... 😉

n.b.: this post is not meant to offend any1, or any1's views... all that i said are just my views, and we all can differ in how things/relationships shud run or be dealt with.. so if u do not agree with my views, that's perfectly ok, and i invite u open heartedly to share ur views...

Edited by Sid4TeamCanada - 15 years ago

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shanakforever

@shanakforever

Inactive

Posted: 15 years ago

siddy how much energy do u have 2 type this...but a real meaningful post n something that should b considered by us females married or unmarried
but i guess its each 2 his own
in khanaks case as v know she doesnt want 2 let out the truth so that there no bad blood between the son n mother n as she earlier said that watever i tell shantanu he wouldnt believe me now thats y shes doing all this dosti n stuff.....she again wants 2 start everything as frnds n then she herself will confess that she loves him or has started loving him.its new fr her 2 as she just fell in love wid him n doesnt wanna let anything go wrong as she has less time left
i know u gals wil definately have awesome analysis but this is wat i think

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Sid

@Sid4TeamCanada

Sparkler

+ 3

Posted: 15 years ago

^ bas ji its 9 am i got up early, aftereffects of flu.. had some juice, now allgeared upf or epi, and jab tak i was waiting i saw epi, and like i said ughh got SO FRUSTRATED.. and when i get frustrated, i post LONGGGGGGG posts:P

but yes, mostly that's one of the major reasons our desi show's wives have : that they do not want to create bad blood b/w the mom and son.. but again.. who comes first? or rather WHATshould comefirst... her MARRIAGE? or her husband's relationship with his mom?

cuz wivves nowadays feel as if anything they say may make the husbands against their moms... but that's not the case, becuz the moms are the ones who have brought up the sons since they were BABIES! they have spent YEARS with each other - why wud just one thing make a son leave his mom? yes in cases this can def. happen.. per my point is that wives nowadays need to understand that just becuz she have made a new relationship with the son of the family does not mean that the value of the other relationships the guy has with his own family has lessened in strength... orr it does not mean that anything she says abt his family will make him cut ties with his family...

relationships, specially blood relationships, and SPECIALY MOM-SON, BRO-SIS, these are STRONG relationships.. itni asaanee se nahi daraar parti.. yes if u do this lying and dragging the whole matter, then def. conflicts will be created...=)

and yaa i think khanak's reason was partly this above mentioned, but i think, like we saw, part of the reason was she didn't believe shaan wud trust her..

and here's the deal yaar - i can forgive khanak for this right now, becuz as it is they both still to a certain extent belive that the other thinks of the marriage as a temporary compromise... till now thy haven't made any hardcore promises.. so i guess she has reason to think that hemay not trust her... but still after all they went thru,and after the straightup personality we saw of khanak in the beginning, i expect her to be a kind of character who doesn't play around the bush... a character who stands upf or herself, and calls what is wrong - WRONG...and voices all her concerns to her husband... =)

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-Amrita2010

@-Amrita2010

Inactive

+ 4

Posted: 15 years ago

I love you Sidra, for making this topic🤗

I might be selfish here, but let's see how I can justify.

First, Shaan wants to know why Khanak didn't believe what he wrote in the letter? Why she didn't go there? (we know she went there). WHy she asked Nats to go instead of her?

I understand that she needs to respect her MIL as well as her hubby, but hubby is prior to MIL because he is the one who is goint to be with her. The one who knows, understands, cares and loves her. She could have told him that as per the letter she got, she followed the orders. (He will try to know more and MIL would be safe) She could clear his head by saying the wordings of the letter she got. He will smell the 'lie' there and will try to find out.

She could tell him that she went there and listened to him and was happy because it was just for her only. But got confused and saddened when Nats appeared and she misunderstood him. She could tell him that she thought that everything was for Nats, not for her, until he cleared everything to her. But she denied him becasue she didn't want to create high drama there.....

This is really typical, bahu types

Now if were Khanak, I would have done the following

I would have told him that I didn't get a letter as he mentioned and if it was for me, how come Nats go there? And then I would have told the truth, his mom swapped the letters....

Really, it's hard to see that all the bahu's suffer cos of MIL, and also, hubbies misunderstand them because of their silence.

In the typical bahu types, Shaan will have more Q's to be clarified and also the way he is acting is perfectly alright....How come he (hubby) reads her (wife's) mind????and why to lie????

Girl, please tgc 😊

Edited by amrita2010 - 15 years ago

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Sid

@Sid4TeamCanada

Sparkler

+ 3

Posted: 15 years ago

Originally posted by: amrita2010
I love you Sidra, for making this topic🤗
[/quote]

thnku ji..and me luv ya too! 🤗 kya zabardast jawab diya hai!😃

EXACTLY YAAR!this is wht she any wife shud do IMO... i mean ok chalo we agree that maybe it isn't as important for her to tell him that she heard his mom confessing abt how she had swapped letters..yeh na bole, but she cud atleast tell him the truth..like u said - what letter she got, that she DID go there what's wrong in that? aage shaan jaaane aur uski mom/bhaabhi.. she needs to tell him what she did and got from him... rest he shud take care of... jhoota letter mila to mila, she shud just say i don't know, this is all that i got!😕 this way, she won't even be dissing her MIL... perrr nah... like u perfectly mentioned - TYPICAL BAHU TYPES... 😛😉

sameee! and if i were khanak, i wud add just one line after syaing all that u said: "hubby dear, before asking me questions, or writing me letters, or demanding love confessions fron me, why don't u first go and make sure whether ur family is HAPPY with having me as ur wife or not? because in all honesty, it doesn't look liek they are happy.. i don't wanna be any evil bahu backbiting abt her in-laws.. but i do not want to be the one who stands here taking all injustice dumbly either..😊 so u need to go, ask them, get an answer, explain to them or wtever, but IF U WANT ME IN UR LIFE- u need to make sure ur family does not try to create misunderstandings between us!"

THNKU amrita..great post yaar.. and last last point bhi completely agreed.. that though sometimes it is tru that the eyes can convey what words can't, and at times its better to do let the eyes do all the talking..but not always..and u specially do not want to let ur eyes do the talking in such heated arguments, becuz angry ppl wants ANSWERS... CLEAR ANSWERS..they don't want ambigous and vgue answers/gestures/looks... naah aah..human nature... specially guy nature😛
Edited by Sid4TeamCanada - 15 years ago

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destinylove

@destinylove

Rocker

+ 2

Posted: 15 years ago

hey sidra darling i am married and i would attempt to answer it

first of all let me make it clear that indian men are very very much attached to their mothers irrespective of their nature. however hard a wife tries she has to accept this and be satisfied with it.

reg. telling the truth i guess if my MIL did something like that i would definitely have told my husband without fail. Husband is the main relationship and MIL is only because of him.

i would not hesitate in telling the truth. whether he would love me later or not is not going to bother me.

but definitely my mind would be free from having hidden some important thing from him and if my love has the power then he too would realise the truth .

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Sejal

@-Leah-

Rocker

+ 2

Posted: 15 years ago

*Reserved* Will comment later.

Kya baat hai Sid itna heavy topic 😆 but me like.I can say countless things about the West but as far as India goes have to be a little cautious.

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May

@The_May_Rose

Stunner

+ 5

Posted: 15 years ago

Sidra, lovely topic and you will have to forgive me if I can't answer all you points....But the bottom line is.....Yes the most important thing in the marriage is the happiness of the husband and wife...They are bound to eachother and in laws are secondary....But at the same time they matter too....Because every husband would want his wife to get on with his family and not have conflict between the most important people in his life.....

In the heat of the moment we my all say Khanak is wrong to keep the truth from Shaan...But i once heard a quote that went like this ' Moo se kahi baat, aur kaman se nikla teer kabhi wapas nahi le sakte '......Which basically means....The words from the mouth and the an arrow shot from it's bow can never be returned.....Once Khanak tells Shaan there will always be a bitterness in his heart, regarding what his mother did....His relationship with Madhvi can never be the same again....Should Khanak give that pain to Shaan, that is her dilemma....

Maybe somewhere she also feels if she is patient then one day, Madhvi will realise the error of her ways, then she will apprieciate how Khanak, kept her relation with Shaan safe....In the long run this will also make Shaan happy....

It's all about balance and the reason why it's bought up so much in our serials, is because people still struggle with it everyday...Even after years of marriage.....Khanak is doing this for Shaan...When she found out the truth, one of her first questions were, how could Madhvi do this to her son....

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Sid

@Sid4TeamCanada

Sparkler

+ 3

Posted: 15 years ago

^.. mayyy!! *hugz*.. hmm... good pointss yaar... i guess, yea the balance shud be there.. and yea i heard the moo se nikli hui baat waala quote.. and u r right, that once she tells him abt his mom, the bitterness may always be there.. *-) and i guess he wud be in a far worse dilemma than the one he is in now.. *thinks* hmm... chaloo.. is baat ke liye i will lessen my anger on khanak.. a bit .. :P abhi is baat pe i will say a few words for shaan: "ullu, gadhe, before u try to decipher ur wife, tell me - DO U EVEN KNWO UR OWN MOMMY? AND BHAABHI? they hate khanak naa... ullu did u ever try to make sure that they do not do any injustice to her in ur absence..haan??? aurr yeh letter letter kya laga rakha hai, itni himmat nahi thi ke seedha moo pe bolte.. letters to idher udher ho jaate hain na!:@"

there.. that was in my mind since a long time too..phew..that's out.. to all u lovely ppl.. and future wives and fiances..:P here's an advice: letter mat likhna! i mean u have much more useful ways now yaar, SMS, EMAIL, FB... plz don't write a letter and leave it under ur hubby's pillowsss :P

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tvrasika

@tvrasika

Rocker

Posted: 15 years ago

#10

Am married .... what wud I do in Khanak's place? I am debating.... ideally I shld tell my husband and I wud... but if my relationship is like that between Shaan and Khanak- that is, I got married to someone I didn't want to because of some incident, and then slowly began to like him, but not sure, and he has a girl waiting to marry him, etc etc... then the 'husband' is not a 'husband' yet, not in the real sense... Shaan is Khanak's husband legally, yes. But emotionally, they r just beginning to figure out if they love each other. In such a situation, wud the guy believe me if I told him his mother spoiled his happiness? am not sure...

About your main question, Sid, what they r showing in serials is wrong. It is very important to be honest with your husband. for all unmarried girls out there- if being honest will create problems, hiding and lying will create more problems, not less. because truth eventually will come out... better be the one to be true... a good man, a good husband will always recognise that in his wife.

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