Posted:
Okie....Sidra, So, I finally read ur long post, and I must say, u r suffering from my syndrome of analyzing, diving deep and then writing long long posts!!...😆😆
I love such thought provoking topics, bcoz they make me think, what I would want in such cases Vs how I would actually behave....
So, coming to your topic, Let me start by saying, I am not married, never plan to be one bcoz I guess, what we consider an ideal marriage (all the sentences tht u have stated - "This is how it shld be",) never really is like that, and thats where the difference comes in....I have seen lot many marriage broken or ugly marriages that are just moving ahead bcoz of the fear of society norms, and I defn dnt wanna be caught up in one of those.....So, what is my ideal scenario, how I would behave in these situations and what really happens in my POV, is smethng I would like to shed now...Read it at ur own leisure! 😉
Ideally what shld happen, is what I totally agree with u, u summed up in one sentence, trust each other and trust the other's trust! Excellent! The ideal relationship shld be built on trust and there shld be no exceptions to this trust! i.e. No matter what I talk to him about, no matter who is the subject of my topic, it shld not shake his basic trust in me, it shldnt raise a doubt in his mind that who is lying here - me or the subject of my topic (In Khanak's case Shaan's mom)....and vice versa that i shld also potray the same!!!
Now, this can come by experience and how successful I am in building the trust within him....and how successful was he in building that trust in me!....Sidra, irrespective of LM or AM, trust is something that's "build" over time...I cannot marry a man and then start trusting him the very same moment...I would start with, "I would like to trust him and I hope this is how he turns out to be", then I wuld like to move to the next stage - "Okie, I like what he did today, he seems trust worthy"...then next - "He stood by me"/"He behaved as per my expectations or beyond my expectations"....then next - "I think I am trusting him"...and then gradually when I start confiding in him my innate secrets, I wanna move to, "I TRUST him completely with all my heart"...This gradual transformation is a two way process...This transformation doesnt come by one person's efforts or in a day....Two ppl have to be involved in laying the foundation and then the building eventually! And when the building is strong, that is when u know that no matter what my partner says, he cannot lie to me, he cannot play games, atleast not with me, bcoz u have read the other person so well, that u know what he is capable of and what he isnt!
I have been recently hearing this beautiful song by Ray La Montagne - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v9Upwd_gqDk
Don't loose your faith in me &
I will try not to loose faith in you
Don't put ur trust in walls because walls will only crush you when they fall
In simple language, I have the responsibility ofgiving him the human feeling and not "a wall" feeling...A human feeling is such a feeling that compels him to believe in me (even if his mom is standing opp to me) and a wall feeling will make him tap me, watch me objectively but not envelope me bcoz the feeling is missing there....Walla can put on a show but eventually crumble....and this has to be two way, he also shld feel like human to me!...
Now, Having said that, The ideal scenario hardly persist! Due to lot of our inherent weaknesses, neither are we able to reach the zenith of trust, nor is the other person! Enough trust can prevail to continue a life with fair share of fights,but not enough to never doubt the other person in any type of adversary! For eg: think ursself, be a son and a hubby and see how difficult wuld it be for u to listen from ur wife against ur mother, a sole woman whom u have trusted all ur life, who has got u where u stand today...Its the most difficult thing to hear against ur parents from anyone, even ur sibling....I know, even today I fight with my sibling if he speaks even remotely against my parents...And hence, most of the time, the spouse has to be very diplomatic and politically right in communicating to the partner anything against his/her parents!...The comfort level and the trust and understanding shld reach to the level that ur partner is compelled to believe that u speak the truth! I think for that his experience with u counts, that how much does he believe that no matter what happens u will never lie to him/her!
If I was in Khanak's place, even if my trsut level with him is strong, I too would have tried avoiding telling Shaan the truth about his mother (atleast at the current moment when things are hot) and see if I can convince him without telling him the truth, bcoz I care for him. I dnt want him to suffer loosing his mom bcoz I know he wuld stand by me and can take some extreme steps against his mom and bhabhi that can break the family and eventually him...would I like to see him, win me but loose his family? Naah! So, I would try but If I reach a state (which I think Khanak is in NOW), where no matter what I try, he is not willing to listen and his Qs are intact, I will have to open my mouth...I wuldnt be as lame as "accept my silence"....and I am no typical sati savitri to burn myself, sacrifice and let the evil survive....but yes, if I havent cultivated that trust and confidence in him, I shld be ready to be snubbed back for accusing his mom, after all, the mom-son is an age old bond, and I am new in picture!!....
My two cents, which I guess looks 10 cents by now....😆😆😆😆
Loved discussing this with u! 😛
Jhanak
