Chapter 2- My Bloody Riches
Faith does a lot to this soul. It silences it, soothes it. But, the same silence keeps doing a thousand things to the heart. The emptiness fills it with all the disturbances, pains and...fear. They are unknown even to the person with the heart. It breaks out all at once, when the skies seem to show the wrath hidden for years together slowly knitting their eyebrows closer and closer as frowns in moments with their age of own that is incomparable to the human life, when the clouds turn so dark that the supreme existence of earth, human's life too turns dark, when the world cries in agony, when the fears of the existent cruelty begin to show up.
"KINGFISHER AIRLINES 3 NOVEMBER 2015 HEADING TO LONDON UNNAVIGABLE! "
I am sure somewhere around the globe these would be the flashing headlines, media earning lakhs, matter of concern for the peace-lovers, the recent talk of friends and enemies, the world's concern. In the past two years, the world has seen the effect of lot of curses- above 50 plane crashes, wraith-filled nature's agony in the Tsunamis, Cyclones, billions of children's eyes expressing hunger, ocean of tears for the deaths of their beloveds...
My Aimless Life is craving for nothing but death. There's nothing more in this life I would be wanting to live for. It's simply a burden on me and I feel nothing but terrible pain in these lost jungle routes. Why, Oh! God! Why did you let me survive? I would have died instead of those innocent lives. Anyhow, this life is nothing but pain for me. Everything I regarded as mine, my happiness is lost, just like I am in this thick forest.
Born in a family of riches and pleasures, I lost my mother at the age of 4. Two lovely sisters who went away to abroad to live their life own, a drunkard father, who abused with that horrible...hunter. It haunts me till date, those moans, those shrieks... and my bloodshot eyes. Nights filled with nightmares alone, drunken, hands shivering imagining a gun in my hand...that took my own father's life, the guilt of still being regarded a human. A murder I didn't commit, a murder for whom I didn't cry, but for a false accusation of Murder I suffered!
I got a mother who loved me so badly, who was ready to give her life for me, who was as pure as God. She betrayed, the same eyes that looked at me lovingly always showed unfathomable hatred for me, the hands that caressed my cheeks pointed gun towards me, for what Bloody Richness! How I shall explain her, that she already had all the richness in my view, she had the most pure heart for me. Rich emotionally, rich morally, rich intellectually!
I had my badi ammi who was always true in her love, who always wanted the best for her grandson, who breathed in the hope of me knowing the truth of my life, who had faith in me and she too went away, she was...killed! Why- Because she knew the Truth of My Bloody Riches!
Suilman Chahcha, who was the only one who came after me, cared for me, saw if my stomach was full, slept only if I had a smile on my face. He was killed! Why- Because he knew the Truth of My Bloody Riches!
And I got a beautiful woman, who loved me crazily, who loved every inch of me, who lived for me, who smiled for me, who cried for me, who soothed my life, who became the happiness of my soul, Sanam! For whose every smile I died for, for who loved me really and saw the Real Me behind the Surface of a guilty unpunished free murderer, for whom I meant everything and who meant everything for me! My World! And the nature wrath, stole even that from me! Because the nature knew this man of Bloody Riches didn't deserve a beautiful-hearted woman!
Rehan, my little brother who started to call me brother from his little lips at the age of 10 years, with whom I grew up, my Friday Man, my friend, who didn't share my blood, but shared his life! Who loved me in spite of all poisonous words, who stayed with me even when I angered at him, when I did injustice to him! He was lost today in some unknown paths, and I am not even sure if he still... Exists. We had come to expand my business and life turned cruel to him. Why? Because of My Bloody Riches!
Bulbul, who took care of me like a little sister, whose fate was cruel towards her but she gave everything beautiful to life, who being a no one to me saw of me as everything was lost today. Why? Because of My Bloody Riches!
It feels so sick to have others suffer because of you, so sick when you know you did unforgivable mistakes...but you didn't intend to, so sick when you are a trouble to the world always. Rehan...who grew up with me, played with me, my buddy...I lost him! Rehannn!!! Bulbul!!! This was so...! Why??? Arghhh!!!!!
I screamt so loudly! There was no one to hear me, no one! I was damn free from every bondage...and I hated it, I hated this freedom! This lonely Freedom Killed Me From my Insides!
Chains of Love freed,
Thrown In Unknown Paths,
My Heart Let Out So Many Tears,
I feel so Damn Numbed,
What Sin I commited To Do So Many Sins,
Why My Hands Always Kill,
When Do I reach My Deserved Hell,
Or No Hell is my Painless Pain!
I didn't deserve anything in this life! Then why are you giving me this life God? Of course yeah! To bear the pain and guilt of what I did, to remain alone all my life! But, this sucks! This guilt is breathing out life of me as I breathe in! It is like somebody has entered inside me and is damaging my parts slowly, enjoying every scream of mine as they do it, terribly and they seem to be graceful at their work!The pain is almost physical!
My heart is on fire, it is different kind of fire! Not like the ones you feel you are in love, not like the one of passion, not like the one of will power! It is different, and unexplainable, a sort of one you feel when you know that you cannot feel anymore, when hope dies down, when your mind turns to see a certain kind of emptiness, plain nothing! There remains blankness in your mind that's it!
For a moment, I didn't feel any pain! Yeah, I felt a big boulder on my heart, unfathomable pain and fear, but this was not the pain about Sanam, my mother, those nightmares or Rehan. This pain was about me. Something that I never felt before or shall I say that I couldn't identify.
***
Laying on the beaches of some unknown forest that is filled with trees of various types and I still have no idea of tigers here.
"Ah! This feels like Robinson Crusoe stuck with the mad", I said smirking at him.
"Yeah! The Mad preventing Robinson Crusoe from going mad being alone"
"That's true! I would definitely go mad"
We were struck in this forest and I should seriously thank god to atleast have given a friend otherwise I would have gone mad.
"Would have some whisky, eh?"
I had got a partner in this forest, not to forget! He was kinda funny guy and really sweet and charming! He's been so cool about this freaking getting lost thing! Amazing adventure as he calls it!RithwikDhajwani he says. Lateef is crazy after this guy.
He's fun though. Obviously in a lone island, it is definitely good to have a friend at least no matter who it is.
"No! I don't drink dude!"
"Really? Aahil Raza Ibrahim, The Nawab Of Bhopal doesn't drink. Now that doesn't suit eh!"
"As it may sound. Yeah! You heard it right Mr.Rithwik Dhajwani, Aahil Raza Ibrahim, The Nawab of Bhopal doesn't drink!"
"Don't lie man. Then what you say of the hard player ARI?", he lifted a brow at me.
"That was all once upon a time dude! My life, love, and smile is My Sanam only! She is the best thing ever! Her smile warms up your heart. Her eyes are pure, honest, and fiery. Her heart is of love. Uske bare mein kahu toh kayanat ke lafz bi kam padjayenge. "
"True love, eh?"
I just smiled at him.
Life wasn't that bad after all if you have a friend to speak with. But life isn't that good now and he definitely deserve the unworthy me.
The pain still existed in my heart, like it was always there. A sort of emptiness killed my heart as the sky was yellowish with the red sun setting in the backdrop and my heart marvelled at the beauty of nature and cried at how unworthy I was of it...
I had left to London with thoughts of finding answers to the disturbing questions in my heart, but I landed up in an unknown path of unknown pain and fear...
***
When life is sucked out of you
By yourself
All you can do is watch and stare
Helplessly, in despair, in emptiness...
Why does the heart feel pain
When it seems to be made of stone
Why does it feel guilt
When it seems to be made of hatred...
A hundred poems can be written in pain and despair
But no poem can fill the voidness
That is beyond the ocean
That captures you and kills you like a demon every second, every moment...
Edited by Dil-E-Pagalpan - 9 years ago
CID
Hindi TV Shows
Anupamaa
