PV OS - MY GOODBYE - Chapter 2 page 4 - Page 3

Originally posted by: sanelisiwe

Is part 2 on a different thread?

Originally posted by: B-onesie

Sorry sweets. There is no part two. It was never supposed to be a part two but everyone wants one so I will eventually do one😃

Yash's POV -My Good bye

My darling, my love, my life, My Aartiji

Had I only known that we would come to this place, had I only appreciated you from the very beginning we would not have lost so much time.

I had almost forgotten about your letter to me that day of my birthday. I just dropped it in my desperation to get it to you and now almost a year later I can still feel the pain that you endured for what I had put you through.

You could have no idea my love the fear, the absolute terror that gripped my heart when I finally gathered my thoughts and realised that you were gone. That you had left me for good. Just as I was coming to terms with my feelings for you.

You looked so gorgeous that day. I could barely keep my eyes off you. In fact you were in my mind that whole day since the morning when you looked so alluring while drying your hair. Your high note was no less for me. Now in retrospect, I should have let the towel drop. Maybe you would have stayed. I should have told you then, I should have taken you in my arms like I wanted to then. But as always something stopped me.

I will always regret not pursuing the conversation we had when I saw you packing that morning. How could I have just have thought that it made any sense for you and Ansh to go to the temple alone. Why did I not offer to go with you and even taking the girls? But so much was going on that day and I just left taking that call, not realising how my life would change so drastically.

I never told you this, I suppose because I could not even admit it to myself. That day as usual I was so busy, I had to put out fires at the wedding. I was totally absorbed in my work, yet the merest touch of the shoulder of one of the guests affected me so much. It felt as if a part of me left. I looked back at you, not even seeing your face, but not being able to stop staring or move ahead till someone called me. And when I released the rose petals and it fell on only you, again I was mesmerised. And disturbed. How could this be and what could it mean. I mean, I normally planned everything to a fault. I don't make that kind of mistakes. I am meticulous. Why then? Why with you?

How was I to know that Chote's ghundi lady, was the very same girl. I told you that day that you talk too much, but do you know that up that point no one could make me change my decisions once I have made up my mind. And even till today you do the same, you talk and make me do things I don't want to do. Things like falling in love with you.

Co-parents. That was our constant mantra. A word used and abused in our relationship at first. Just so that we would not have to acknowledge that there was more to our decision to get married. I clutched onto that word, that phrase with desperation. My heart and mind being at odds at all time. After all my love and allegiance were to Arpita. One true love for a lifetime. Was that not how it should be?

You were so different to Arpita. You did not conform as my parents thought you would. You were messy, you were absorbed with your son. You had so many faults. So many irritations and each and every one challenged me. Drew me out of my comfort zone, stealthily created a new me.

You diligently worked at the affection of my daughters. Despite their antagonism and indoctrination, you did not give up. You promised to be a mother to them and you went about doing so. At any cost. Another thing, I stand ashamed for. Having so brutally humiliated you at Palak birthday party. My irrational attachment to my past and my desperate need to deny my burgeoning feelings for you making a monster out of me. Yet you endured. You persisted and you pursued till that day that Palak professed her love for you in front of the whole school. Not step-mom, not new-mom. She simply said "I love you Mumma." The tears of joy reflected in both our eyes. That day was a victory for the whole family. And that day was the day that catapulted us to the inevitable.

I didn't want to go to Mumbai. Yes for the memories and because I did not want to be so close to you. Just us with the kids. It was too intimate. And it happened. I let my guard down. The bhang allowed me to do what I wanted to do for so long but that I couldn't even admit to myself.

You were so cute when you pretended that you liked that bitter gourd, when it was clear that you only made it for me. For the first time I felt insecure with you when you went to buy the underwear. You had never spoken to me like that before. In no uncertain terms you made me understand that you were not Arpita. Like I needed reminding. I was realising more and more that you were simply and uniquely you.

I could not stand your closeness with Amaan. Laughing and joking. I had to admit I was jealous of that. But had it not been for Amaan, perhaps our little bundle of joy would not have been created.

You looked so beautiful that night playing in the rain, I could not resist. You tried to leave more than once, yet I held you back. In my heart I already knew what you felt. I knew what you said on the beach that day was true even then. But I could not deal with it, so I walked away. But that rainy night I could not deny what was in my heart, or the desire that I had to suppress for months.

Again I turned into a monster. Punishing us both. It was raging inside my head. My confusion. My actions, my words and my feelings were all at odds with each other. And worst of all you did not remember! When it was all I could think about. You could not remember?! I was so hurt and I was so angry. I lashed out at you calling our union sin, not knowing the pain I inflicted on you because you were carrying the seed of that union inside of you. Had I but known that I was rejecting my own flesh and blood. I cringe even now when I think of the words and accusations that were hurled at you. All in defence of my ego and the protection of how I thought things should be.

You came back home after the fight. A fight that was much more than just a boxing match for me. I was fighting for my sanity, for my life. But the woman that came home was not the one I knew. She was quiet and sad. The smile in her eyes and face was gone. How it hurt when the children equated your behaviour to mine post-Mumbai. You could not even look at me, in your desperation to get away from me you even forgot your fear of the storm. The pillow wall was not enough, you wouldn't even sleep in our bed. I tried to say something, I wanted to talk to you that night. But I didn't know what to say. Because whatever I did and said came out wrong. I couldn't sleep in the bed that night. Not on your side or mine.

Still, I could not get myself to talk to you about that night. I refused all the hints that you gave. The teddy bears, the tying of the coins to your pallu, the appointment with Dr. Kurian. My brain refused to comprehend what I knew to be the truth. You must have been so broken and alone my love. In a time that we should have shared the joy, you could not trust me with the information. You could not trust me with the knowledge of our own child. I wish I could turn back the clock to any of those days and done things differently. I should have insisted on going to the gynae with you. I should've ...

I should've done so many things but I didn't. I should've been worthy of you but I wasn't. I should have held you and loved you and never put you in position where you got sick in the middle of nowhere with only Ansh with you. What if the wrong person or people stopped? I don't even want to imagine what could've happened to you and our sons. I know that you have forgiven me now, but I still struggle to forgive myself for what I had put you through.

I had never felt so much anxiety and fear as that day. I drove around searching for you. Praying and hoping. I wanted you back. I wanted our baby and I wanted our son. I could not and would not face that loss. But alas you were gone. Those 2 days felt like a million years. To think I was so close to you so many times and couldn't find you. I didn't deserve to find you.

Losing Arpita to death was one thing. Losing you because of my own insecurity and stupidity was another. The thought that I might not find you petrified me like never before. Till that moment at the temple. I could see that you were hesitant and uncertain. I was shocked that you were even willing to leave Ansh for me. The feelings I felt ... I can't describe. My heart was lighter all of a sudden. My life was together. You and all my children were with me.

But I couldn't ... I just couldn't bring myself to say those words yet. Even then I was not ready to admit it, to vocalise it. But I was really trying to make you see that I could be a good husband to you. The kind that you deserve. I wanted to take care of you.

Baby, I could not contain my pride when you convinced my stubborn, stern and unyielding father that we should be allowed back home. No one can resist you, not even him. That first step into SM was a new beginning for us. A new relationship was built. One of husband and wife and not just merely co-parents. I felt myself smile again. I was no longer that angry and sad person that lived in the past. Finally I could see a future, a happy one. Finally I saw you, my love, my wife.

Still it took me a while to confess. Our love was so fragile and was threatened yet again by Prashant. I was ready to love you when I discovered your lie, that you were a divorcee and not a widow. I was crushed. Once again I thought there is only one way and that we could not move on from there. Yet because of Prashant's entry into our lives, for the first time I had the courage to stand up to my father and for my wife when they wanted to throw you out of the house. I could not live without you. You were mine, to love and to protect. No one was taking my wife and son. And no one was separating our baby from its mother.

That day we were ready to leave our family. But that was the day I finally said those words that had long been in my heart. You could not understand why I would leave my family for you. But how could I be without you. You needed to hear and I needed to say it. "I love you Aartiji."

We were outcasts in our own home, yet were finally home. The safest to place to be, in each other's hearts. Now I can express my love freely. I can take care of you and our 3 children and the one yet to be born. Despite the turmoil that is raging and that our family has turned against us, we are happy. I can show my love and be free with you. Our laughter reaches further than our room, it reaches throughout the whole house. The happiness reaches our hearts and soon my love, we will be with our family again. As I said no one can resist you. With you by my side we will win their hearts and forgiveness again and things will be as it should be.

Our goodbyes will now only be for the shortest times. Each separation will be with the knowledge that we will soon be re-united again. And we will put truth to the saying "Absence makes the heart grow fonder."

I love you now and I will love you forever,

Yours and yours alone,

Yash