Chapter 18
"I asked Lavanya out because of you, dammit."
Wind blew between them smelling of rain, caressing their features, in attempt to soothe them. When one was trying to settle with himself, the other was trying to make sense of the revelation. Both fought hard but in vain .. answer would not come easy this time.
Arnav still stood outside the car with his torso bent towards her. His hands still held her hands in a tight hold, pressing against his chest. He was breathing little heavily, the ups & downs of his Adam's apple clearly evident. He could feel his heart racing – his veins pulsating, anticipating the aftermath of what he had just revealed. He was not supposed to say it. Neither did he want to acknowledge it to himself. But it was the truth. And he knew it. He could see questions rising in her eyes and he knew he was not ready to answer her. Still he felt relieved. It was hurting to keep her in dark.
Khushi stared at the face only a few inches away from her. She hardly blinked as she tried to read what those intense eyes really held. Did he know he was talking complete nonsense? What did it mean? He asked Lavanya ji out because of her? Why would he do that? Khushi could feel her thought process going incoherent. No sense of reasoning was helping her to comprehend what he meant.
"What you are saying, does not make any sense, Arnav ji."
Her confused murmur made Arnav flustered. He told her the truth. Of course, she would not get it. Unconsciously, he tightened his hold on her hands, still looking into her eyes, trying to figure out what to say.
Khushi had lost sense of everything else. As she felt the pressure on her wrist, it dawned on her that Arnav was still holding her hands. She suddenly became extremely aware of the feel against her palms – his beating heart increasing her own heartbeat, his toned muscles sending shiver through her spine. She felt her lips still tasted of sugarless, crude coffee and was yearning for more. She jerked as the realization hit her. Arnav Singh Raizada kissed her. And now he was telling her that he asked Lavanya ji out because of her.
Could things get anymore confusing?
Khushi did not even realize when she started to wriggle her hands to be out of his hold.
As he felt the movement , Arnav's eyes fell on his hand only to realize he was still holding hers. He immediately released her hands and took a step back. f**k. He kissed her. He bloody kissed her. And now he was trying to explain to her how he asked Lavanya out only because of her – only because he wanted to forget her.
Could things get anymore complicated?
Arnav ran his hands through his hair, all exasperated. He strode away from the car, his fists writhing restlessly. She was right. He was definitely not making any sense. Why was he hell bent on giving her an explanation when he himself did not know what he should say?
Few minutes passed. Khushi sat still lost in thoughts- her fingers clasped together, eyes fixed on the dashboard. Arnav turned and could see her sitting still. She did not ask for an explanation but he volunteered. And now he has f**ked it up even more. He stood for a few seconds with his hands clasped against his chin and then he made his decision. He walked back to the car and stopped by her side.
"I thought .. I should date someone."
Khushi froze for a second as the calm but frustrated voice reached her. She looked up to meet his turbulent eyes. She remained silent, willing to hear him explain more.
"Your presence induced that thought in me. That .. that I was not going out for some time."
Khushi blinked. How had she given him that realization?
"You still don't make any sense, Arnav ji."
Khushi could see the lines of frustration deepening on his face but she did not stop. She probed – to help him and to help herself.
"Besides .. this does not explain why it matters to you what I think."
Arnav tried his best but failed to shove away the helplessness that was grappling him. He was not liking it. Not at all. This was so not him. Arnav Singh Raizada never felt helpless. And Arnav Singh Raizada never did explanations.
"Why don't you understand, dammit!!"
Khushi flinched slightly as he growled but she would not back out. He wanted to explain; he better do it. It was not that she begged him to. And why did he come up with such a funny excuse?
"Make me understand."
One stubborn woman! Arnav's frustration reached its threshold point and he lost it. As always. And his words came out in splutter.
"Don't you get it?? You are not my type!!"
Khushi blinked. You are not my type. Khushi blinked again. She was not his type. And she understood. Damn she understood. She stared at his face scanning his flaring nostrils, tightened jaw, frustrated eyes and she understood.
The cloud of misunderstanding evaporated. And it was celebrated by a calm silence hanging between them. The silence was followed by a hint of a sad smile across Khushi's face. And Arnav's heart stopped. She was not his type.. but that was not all. In fact, was that it at all? He needed to tell her more. He needed her to understand more. He needed her to understand him.
Unconsciously, Arnav stepped towards her.
"Khushi .."
Arnav watched her blink.
"Besides I don't believe in marriage, Khushi."
Khushi could see the plea peeping through the frustration in his eyes. His eyes were so verbose. Was it because his words mostly failed him? She smiled.
"You don't have to explain anymore, Arnav ji."
Her calm voice did not soothe Arnav. He was surprised as he realized he would have been happier if she lashed out .. shouted .. may be even pounced on him. His troubled eyes scanned hers but her eyes were guarded.
"I think I should go home now, Arnav ji. We will both be late otherwise."
Arnav perhaps had never been so flustered in his life. He could deal with her words, but not with her silence. This feeling of helplessness grappled him more. He couldn't live with not knowing what was really behind those honey eyes.
"Khushi …"
"Let's go, Arnav ji. I have understood. You need not worry anymore."
Arnav stared at her face and he could clearly understand this conversation was over. Her voice was soft but there was a hint of finality that he could not ignore. Her face was calm and he could read nothing beyond that. There was a nagging feeling somewhere inside shouting at him nothing was okay. The extreme need of knowing everything was alright was killing him. He had to know if she was okay; if she really understood.
"So .. you are keeping the gift?"
"Yes."
Arnav still could not breath a sigh of relief. She was not giving him any scope to converse further. It did not feel right. He got into the car, still feeling restless and started the car towards Laxmi Nagar.
It took them only ten minutes to reach her home. But it felt like hours to Arnav. The silence in the car was killing him. He passed glances at her almost every minute and could see her calmly scanning the road, her otherwise restless hands lying on her lap calmly. Why didn't she probe him more? Why did she not react? How could she just accept everything so calmly? His frustration rose at himself. Why was he not happy that she took it well? Wasn't that what he wanted?
Arnav unlatched her seatbelt carefully and leaned back on his seat. All this time his eyes did not leave her face for a single time. She glanced at him once and as their eyes met she just pressed her lips in an acknowledging smile. She went for the door but stopped and turned her head to look into his eyes.
"You should not have asked out Lavanya ji if you were not sure. You know that, right?"
Arnav remained silent. What should he tell her? That he thought he would get over her, but could not? That he thought it was just his crazy hormones? Well, probably it was his hormones but they seem to jump only around her. He could not freaking control his own f**king hormones!
"Thank you for the gift," Khushi said softly as she caressed the gift box, "I am accepting this only to confirm to you that there is no misunderstanding from my part .. since that is so important to you. I understand you, Arnav ji. And it is alright. We are okay."
Arnav kept staring at her with disbelief in his eyes, as she opened the door and got off the car. She started walking towards her house but stopped after a few steps. She walked back to his side of the car and Arnav quickly downed the window.
"Since you have always known it, you should have been within your limits, Arnav ji."
Her voice was soft but stern. And it shook Arnav.
That someone was teaching him his limits, did not even occur to him. He knew what she was talking about and staring at her beautiful, untainted face he almost re-lived the few blissful moments of their togetherness. Every time it was him who crossed the limit; and she let him.
"Don't do that again."
Her soft voice came as a whiplash.
Arnav flinched as he watched her turn to leave. She walked away as he sat speechless trying to assimilate her final words.
Khushi could hear the sound of the receding SUV as she slowly closed the front door. She walked straight into her room while responding in her usual tone to Buaji's everyday inquiries. As she was locking the door, she realized she had never felt happier that no one else was at home right now. People whom she always wanted to be around, were the ones she least wanted to see her at this moment.
She wondered how she walked back to her room from the car as her body gave in the moment she was detached from the rest of the world. She tried to balance her powerless body against the door but it slowly slid down to the floor. She could no longer breathe with the choking pain in her heart; she had to let it go.
When was the last time Khushi Kumari Gupta had cried like that?
No one knew. Not even Devi Maiya.
The old wooden door supported her shaking body, giving her the most needed privacy to let her pain flow. She cried her heart out, not knowing what else to do – not knowing what else would put an end to the excruciating pain of her shattered heart.
She understood him.
And that's why she could not blame him.
He was so right and he was not at all wrong.
You are not my type.
He was The Arnav Singh Raizada. And she was Just Khushi Kumari Gupta.
An impossible match. An impossible dream.
How could she be so blind?
Their worlds were miles apart. Their views of life were poles apart. There was no way she could be a part of his world; neither could he be a part of hers.
He had so many barriers to cross. He had to think of so many things. And all she thought was how she felt .. if he felt the same.
Devi Maiya sighed. Her eyes moistened. People have made this world so complicated. When it was the matter of the most valuable possession of a man – his heart, why mundane things had to come into the equation? Why couldn't they just hear the voice of their heart?
You are not my type.
Their whole conversation replayed in front of Khushi like a panorama. And suddenly, the thought hit her.
Arnav Singh Raizada cared.
A small smile crept up her weeping face. She mattered to him. Even if a little, but she did mean something to him.
Only if that was enough.
A new stream of pain melted into tears and flowed through her eyes.
Everything felt so meaningless. That he cared, that she cared. In the end, it all meant nothing.
Khushi gave in to her crying heart. What was the point of staying strong to the world when her own world was shattering into pieces?
Devi Maiya sighed again. She wished she could mend her broken heart; could wrap her up in a soothing hug. But all she did was watch her cry.
Sometimes all there is to do is cry. Tears have their own way of healing. Tears have their own weird way of giving strength.
And so an hour later, Khushi Kumari Gupta stood up, wiping the tearstains from her puffed up face.
A heartbreak was not the end to her life. And her life was not only about herself. She looked at her messy self in the mirror and she knew what she wanted to do. This heartbreak would be her own little secret and she would move on. Her stupid dream would be buried inside her heart and her life would be as it should be.
Another hour later Khushi made a call.
"Yes, Khushi."
"Aman Ji, I have completed and double checked all arrangements for the fashion show."
"I have seen Khushi. It looks perfect so far. Wonderful job. We just need to make sure that the execution is perfect."
"Ji, Aman ji. I am sure everything would go fine. I have also briefed the agency people again."
"Good. I hope they understand they would be out of business if they screw up even a little. ASR is all about perfection."
ASR. Khushi tightened the knot around a hidden part of her heart.
"Hmm.. Woh, Aman Ji, I have finished all I was assigned to do. So I was thinking if you could allow me leave for rest of the day."
"What? Khushi are you crazy? You have to come!"
"Woh, Aman Ji, I know I should attend but I really have an important family engagement. And since I don't have any particular responsibility in the show, I would be really obliged if you could allow me the leave."
"Khushi, I am sorry but I really need you here in the show. We need people in the backstage and there is no way I would take any risk there. You have to come. I am sorry."
Khushi tried all her persuasion skills on Aman Ji for two minutes more but she could hang up the phone only after promising to attend the program till the end of the fashion show.
Things were not going as she planned but she would not back away from her resolution.
Devi Maiya breathed a sigh of relief. Neither would she back away from her resolution.
Because the story of these two was yet far from over.
Financial markets and global economy
Ishaani
37