FF Completed: Hurdles and Hesitation (Index: Pg 1) - Page 7

"Ashutosh. Suna hai Dr. Nidhi ki tabiyat kharaab hai?" Armaan came to Ashutosh' room.

"Haan Armaan. Tujhe kisne bataya?"

"Meri Dr. Ranghnath se baat ho rahi thi. Jo agle hafte health survey karna hai uske liye kuchh administrative help chahiye thi hospital se. Tabhi unhone bataya. Hua kya?"

"Kya bataun Armaan? Pagal ladki hai. Khaana peena chhod rakha hai usne."

"Par kyon?"

Ashutosh sighed. It wasn't easy, but he needed to unburden himself in front of someone. Who other than Armaan?

"Meri wajah se Armaan. Meri wajah se."

"Poori baat bata Ashu."

"Tu kaise react karega Armaan agar main tujhse ye kahoon ki I have fallen in love with a woman... a girl half my age."

"Dr. Nidhi?"

Ashutosh nodded.

"To main tujhe congratulations kahunga kyonki jitna maine observe kiya hai, woh bhi tujhse pyaar karti hai. Isse behtar aur kya ho sakta hai teri life mein."

"Aur umra ke is faasle ka kya karoon main? Un cheezon ka kya karoon jo woh karna chahegi kyonki uski umra hai, lekin main usmein uska saath nahin de paunga? Aur un logon ka kya karoon jo na jaane kitne sawaal uthayenge? Aur koi nahin to uski family ka kya karoon, jiske shayad use against jaana pade mere saath koi rishta banane ke liye. Aur in sabke baad, agar use mahsoos hua ki jise woh pyaar samajhti thi, woh bas hero-worshipping thi, to uski life ka kya hoga Armaan?"

"Tune usse baat ki hai?"

"Nahin ki hai. Balki use khud se door karne ki koshish ki hai. Aur yahi woh samajh nahin pa rahi hai. Khud ko sazaa de rahi hai."

"Ashu. Rishton mein dilon ke beech faasle nahin hone chahiye. Umra ke ya kissi aur cheez ke faasle se farq nahin padta. Tu ek baar khul kar usse baat to kar."

"Ye main nahin kar sakta Armaan. Nahin kar sakta, kyonki main uski feelings jaanta hoon. Agar maine apne dil ki baat usse kah di to woh kabhi peechhe nahin hategi. Aur woh uske liye disastrous hoga."

"Tujhe main majboor to nahin kar sakta Ashu. Lekin mujhe lagta hai ki tune ise jitna bada issue bana diya hai, utna woh hai nahin. Aakhir koi to wajah hogi ki tum dono ek doosre se pyaar kar baithe. To wahi wajah tumhare rishte ko bhi majboot banaye rakhegi."

"Taqdeer par, aur rishton par mujhe itna bharosa nahin raha Armaan. Khair rane de. Khana kha liya tune?" Ashutosh changed the subject and Armaan could not say anything else to him.

--

Ashutosh called her once to ask after her, while she was at home.

"Aapki tabiyat ab kaisi hai?"

"Better hai."

"Maine bas ye kahne ki liye phone kiya tha ki aap... aap meri wajah se koi tension na lein aur apni sehat par dhyaan dein."

Nidhi was a bundle of confusion and anxiety since she had come back from the hospital. So, he knew about her feelings. So, what did his reaction mean? That he was disgusted with her? That's why he was keeping away from her? But was it right on his part? She needed to talk to him. She had been staring at her phone every waking hour. Should she call up? Would he call? So, when he had finally called, she had wanted to bombard him with the questions that were troubling her. She had wanted to explain. But she could not do any of that. She just said 'yes' to his request of taking care of her health and they disconnected the call.

--

Nidhi ran into Ashutosh outside his house.

"Dr. Nidhi?" he was surprised to see her there.

"Aap kahin ja rahe hain? Koi khaas kaam hai?" Nidhi asked.

"Nahin - kuchh khaas nahin. Aap... mujhse milne aayi hain?" he asked with hesitation.

"Ji. Aapke ghar aur kisse milne aaungi?" Nidhi smiled at her own joke, though weakly.

Ashutosh also smiled, "Aaiye. Andar chalte hain."

"Waise... agar aap bura na maaein... to poochh sakti hoon ki aap... kis kaam se ja rahe the..." she asked as they walked inside his house.

"Yeah..." Ashutosh said trying to fight the awkwardness he was feeling, "Kuchh khaas nahin tha... Thodi shopping karni thi... Actually ek tie khareedni thi."

"Okay," she said. They had entered his drawing room by then, "I am sorry... Aapko bina inform kiye aise pareshaan karne aa gayi. Lekin kuchh sawaal aise the jo mujhe laga ki apne boss ko jawaab dene par majboor nahin kar paungi. Isliye hospital wapas jaane se pahle aapse yahan milne aa gayi."

"To aap mujhe jawaab dene par majboor karna chahti hain?"

"Voluntarily to aap kuchh batayenge nahin. To mere paas aur chaara hi kya hai?"

"It's not a good idea Nidhi. Some things are better left unsaid."

"No," Nidhi was adamant, "Agar aap mujhse nafrat karte hain, agar aap meri feelings ko disgusting samajhte hain, then its better that you tell me that. I don't want to keep guessing."

"What? Ye kya kah rahi ho tum?" Ashutosh was flabbergasted. Hatred? Disgust? For her? Where did that come from?

"Wahi jo aap shayad apni sharaafat ki wajah se, ya hospital ke decorum ke wajah se kah nahin pa rahe the. Main aapko sab kahne par majboor nahin karna chahti. Isliye khud hi kah diya. Aap bas apne munh se ye bol dijiye ki jo maine kaha hai woh sach hai. Kam se kam mujhe is baat ka satisfaction rahega ki aapke man ki baat mujhe saaf saaf pata chal gayi."

Ashutosh slumped on a chair kept in the room and rubbed his forehead, not able to make up his mind on what to say and how.

Nidhi spoke again when he didn't say anything for a while, "Main aayi to ye soch kar thi ki saare sawaal-jawaab karoongi. Aapko ye batane ki koshish karoongi ki maine koi aisa paap nahin kar diya hai ki aap mujhse itni nafrat karein. Lekin ab mujhe lag raha hai ki it is a lost battle." Her eyes became moist and she choked on her words. But she controlled herself and completed what she was saying, "To main aapko aur pareshaan nahin karoongi. Bas apne munh se ek baar bol dijiye ki..."

"Nidhi!" Ashutosh finally spoke,"Jo tum kah rahi ho..." She waited with bated breath as he paused and looked at her intently. "Jo tum kah rahi ho," he repeated, "agar woh sach hota to koi problem hi nahin thi. No Nidhi. Tumhari feelings bahut maasoom hain. Unse bhala koi disgusted kaise ho sakta hai? Tumse koi nafrat kaise kar sakta hai?"

"To phir aap mere saath aise behave kyon kar rahe the?" she was looking at him wide-eyed in surprise, "Jaise ki... jaise ki aap meri shakal tak nahin dekhna chahte. Aur ye mat kahiyega ki aisa kuchh nahin tha. That would be a lie!"

"Nidhi. Agar tum is wajah se pareshaan ki wajah ye thi ki main tumse nafrat karta hoon, to ab tumhein pata chal gaya hai ki aisa kuchh nahin tha. Ab aur sawaal..."

"Kahin aapko ye to nahin laga," Nidhi thought and said as if she didn't hear him at all, "Ki main aap par koi pressure daal rahi hoon, ya aapko... aapko reciprocate karne par majboor kar rahi hoon?"

"Nidhi..."

"Agar aisa hai to please mujhe bataiye. Main promise karti hoon ki mera aisa koi iraada nahin tha aur agar kuchh aisa hua bhi hai to aage se nahin hoga."

"No Nidhi! No. Nothing about you is a problem. Absolutely nothing. Problem main tha Nidhi. Balki main hoon. Aur jo hua use meri bewkoofi hi samjho. Mujhe nahin realize hua ki tum itni pareshaan ho jaogi ki..."

"Problem kya hai Dr. Ashutosh? Agar aapko meri feelings buri nahin lagi, agar aapko ye bhi nahin lagta ki main aapko pressurize karoongi, to phir problem kya hai? Aap kyon mujhe is tarah se treat kar rahe hain? Aur woh bhi doosron ke saamne nahin. Dr. Mallika ke saamne to aap mujhe ab bhi defend karte hain. Lekin mere saamne... Main aaj is sawaal ka jawaab liye bina nahin jaungi. Aur kissi cheez ke liye force nahin kiya hai, lekin is ek cheez ke liye karoongi. Samjhe aap? Aapko jawaab dena hi padega."

"Nidhi! I think you should leave."

"Main nahin ja rahi. Jab tak aap mujhe jawaab nahin dete main kahin nahin ja rahi."

"Mere paas tumhare sawaalon ka koi jawaab nahin hai."

"Iska to ek hi matlab ho sakta hai. Jo main samjhi thi woh sach hai. Nafrat karte hain aap mujhse. Lekin kahna nahin chahte aur..."

"For God's sake shut up Nidhi," Ashutosh lost his cool, "Itni maturity ke daawa karti ho. Can't you see what I am going through? Can't you see ki main tumhein khud se bachane ki koshish kar raha hoon? Ki tumhari feelings ke baare mein kuchh bhi pata hone ke bahut pahle se main khud apni feelings ke saath struggle kar raha tha? Aur jab mujhe ye pata chala ki you also reciprocate my feelings to main dar gaya. Dar gaya, tumhare liye. Tumhare future ke liye. Ye soch kar ki kahin apni feelings ke wash mein aa kar hum ise ek rishte mein badalna na chahein? Ek rishta jiska koi future nahin ho sakta. Jise koi accept nahin karega. Nidhi meri zindagi mein to ab barbaad hone ke liye bacha hi kya hai. Lekin tum? Tumhare saamne poori zindagi padi hai. Woh zindagi jismein bahut saari possibilities hain, jismein bahut saari khushiyan ho sakti hai. Can't you see ki main nahin chahta ki meri wajah se woh zindagi bhi veeraan ho jaye? Can't you see that Nidhi? You are too young. I am too old for you. It's never going to work out."

It was Nidhi's turn to be overwhelmed and slump into a chair.

"To iska matlab hai ki aap... aap bhi..." she should have jumped with joy at the realization, but she was too shocked to do something like that.

"Ab aapko sab samajh mein aa gaya hai Dr. Nidhi Verma. So, you will leave right now. Aur aap in sabke baare mein sab bhool jayengi. Mere baare mein sab bhool jayengi and you will concentrate on your life and career. Samajh gayin aap? Ab jaiye."

"Kya aap mujhe ek mauka bhi nahin denge?" Nidhi asked unaffected by his apparently rude orders.

"Nahin. Main aapko aapki zindagi barbaad karne ka koi mauka nahin doonga."

"Aap ye maan baithe hain ki aapki wajah se meri zindagi barbaad ho jayegi. Ek possibility ye bhi to hai na ki meri wajah se aap khush rahne lagein."

"Aise nahin hoga Nidhi. Aisa kuchh nahin hoga."

"Dekhte hain," Nidhi said with a smile, "Main abhi aapka aur waqt barbaad nahin karoongi."

She got up and left, leaving a perplexed Ashutosh behind.

--

Ashutosh could not sleep well that night. As much as he had tried to deny it in front on Nidhi, she had managed to give him hope. A hope of happiness... in her, with her. He alternated between the dreams of happiness and the nightmares of its consequences the entire night. In the morning, he wasn't sure whether he was excited about meeting Nidhi at the hospital or whether he was dreading the idea.

He entered his office with a headache due to lack of sleep and literally sunk down in his chair. He should take the day off, he thought. But going back home, spending time alone and feeling sandwiched between the same dreams and nightmares was not an appealing idea. He sighed and opened his drawer to take out some administrative papers he had to work on.

He was greeted with a surprising sight there. There was a gift wrapped packet lying in the drawer. He took it out gingerly. There was no card on it. He thought about asking Dr. Rangnath if he had seen anyone come to his room, but then decided against it and opened the packet. As he unwrapped it, a blue, silk tie came out of it surprising him. There was also a note there.

'Ye tie aapko bahut suit karegi.'

He knew the handwriting. He had seen her prescriptions and notes about the patients. Before he knew it, a smile had formed on his lips.

"Pagal ladki hai," he murmured. Just then the landline in his office rang.

"Dr. Ashutsoh aap ab tak OPD mein nahin pahunche. Aap theek to hain?" It was so unusual for Ashutosh to be late that the on-duty nurse assumed that something would be wrong.

Damn! How could he forgot? Today he was supposed to be in the OPD. What had happened to him? He would have blasted his subordinates, if any of them had done this.

"I am extremely sorry sister. Main abhi pahunch raha hoon."

As he rushed inside his room in OPD, he was susprised to see Nidhi there.

"Dr. Nidhi. Aap?"

"I swear main aapko pareshaan karne nahin aayi hoon. Dr. Rangnath ne meri duty aaj aapke saath lagayi hai," Nidhi explained hastily and innocently.

"That's fine. I am sorry, I am late. I just..."

"Insaan hona itna bhi bura nahin hai. Aap pareshaan mat hoiye. Jis first patient ka appointment tha, uska x-ray karwana padta diagnosis ke liye. Isliye maine use lab mein bhej diya hai. Next patient is already here. To aap tab tak usse mil sakte hain."

Ashutosh nodded feeling grateful, but unable to voice it. How many times had he scolded this girl for being late! How things change. Today, she was the one, who had saved him from the embarrassment of making patients wait after giving them the appointment. It was well known that Dr. Ashutosh never accepted walk-ins in the OPD except in emergency cases. And he never made anyone wait after giving an appointment. He always met them on or before the appointment time.

Ashutosh got into his professional mood and handled the patients. He asked for Nidhi's opinions and corrected her when needed as he would do with any intern on duty with him. Although there was a strom brewing in his heart, nobody would have known it.

Ashutosh hesitated in talking to her about the last day, about the tie, about all the things he wanted to talk about... Finally when they were done with the patients and were wrapping up the files, he broached the topic, "Dr. Nidhi. Woh tie..."

"Aapko na rakhni ho to aap mujhe wapas kar sakte hain," she said matter-of-factly.

"Kya?" she had taken him by surprise.

"Agar aapko na rakhni ho to aap mujhe wapas kar sakte hain," she repeated patiently, "Kal meri wajah se aap tie khareedne nahin ja sake to maine socha aapke samay ki bharpai kar doon."

Was she being sarcastic? He shrugged off the idea immediately. She had taken the pain of buying a tie, cared enough to buy one that he genuinely liked, gift wrapped it so beautifully... There was defnitely no sarcastic intention behind it. And the idea of returning the tie hadn't occured to him even once.

"Main to... aapko thanks kahna chah raha tha."

"Great. Then I will wait to see you in that tie," she said enthusiastically.

"I am not sure about that," Ashutosh said. He reminded himself that he should not let her dream. It might be devastating for her.

"Maine ye to nahin kaha ki aapko pahanni zaroori hai," she smiled.

Ashutosh did not say anything and Nidhi didn't force him either. They finished the rest of the work in silence and left.

--