SS: A Lost Hope...LAST{D}, Pg-3

Hey guys,

Just an idea popped and before I forgot it I thought of writing it.

On a philosophical note, I think that something within us is aware that stories aren't real, even though we are continually reading them or rather living in them. We gather these moments of seeing ourselves and find that we don't sleep as peacefully as we did before. To see ourselves, as we are, becomes more important. Even when the forces are heavily weighed against us we can try to oppose a continual passivity with something that is active on the inside.

"What we choose to fight is so tiny! What fights with us is so giant"

I have just taken a real life character to show that such people do exist and jai is based on that?

It will be a short story; I want to write it in a concise way and it will be intense and very taxing. Hope you enjoy it!!!!

ENJOY!!!!!
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A Lost Hope? ?

"Once my heart was pure and beating red
till it was struck with sadness and fear...
Slowly it started to become black?
My heart began to burn with a blue fire.
My little black heart burned into ashes?
The ashes are just ashes?
They can't be pieced back together
only blown away? ?"

{A}

The shady lane gave way to the brilliant sun-soaked empty street, where the noise of the traffic drowned out the softer music of the Arabian Sea?the beach was just four blocks away?

In the dark confines of a poorly lit room, a man sat, holding a piece of paper in his hands, a letter?just a letter flooded him with every possible emotion he could feel?This wasn't something he expected, and he hated it when something happened unexpectedly or rather against his will, and this letter, this mere letter should not have been sent to him. It wasn't meant for him. He shouldn't have opened it to read it. There was still time, time to tear the letter away into bits of pieces, time to just put it into the flames of fire and turn them it grey ashes, time to just crumple it and throw it away?time to not read it, but he couldn't help himself?a gulp formed in the middle of his throat?he held his breath?his eyes scanned the paper haphazardly? ?

Dear? ?

(I don't know what to call you now?I feel as if I am writing a letter to a complete stranger?)

Probably it too long to even ask how are you?? Nonetheless I hope you are fine, doing well and most importantly happy. The last time I heard from you was, to be honest I don't remember, let me guess five years, not guess I know it, five years, seven months, three and a half days. My math was always good wasn't it? I will always remember you no matter what, have always been despite hating myself for doing it but I couldn't help it and moreover I didn't have the guts to get my brain or heart replaced! Alas! You will be etched on me forever? ?

I hope and pray that perhaps somewhere, sometime our paths may once again meet under a veil which could allow us to explore our world, which we were only allowed to peek into. I also wish that somehow, someway we could continue some type of communication, to share with each other the days our new lives may bring. This however must be your decision. You know how and where to find me, please don't ever forget how. No matter what the reasons may be or how much time has passed, I will be waiting to hear your voice call my name, so once again I might be able to answer you with "as you wish, your highness?" as I once playfully referred to you as this King of a forlorn island. You indeed are a King, high above anyone's reach. However, if your choice is never to see or at the least speak ever again, I will understand and leave you with this one departing wish? ?

"May the saddest days of your past, be the happiest days of your future."

Bani? ?

P.S.: I wish to see you once?before I try to forget you, which I don't think is possible, at least in this hell of a lifetime? ?

For a moment there was a deepening silence inside him, like after one hears something really beautiful, a poem or a song, a rare silence that can last for a second or two or one's whole life? One of those moments where one suddenly realizes that everything was unmistakably one? ?

Jai Walia read the letter with deep concentration; even though it was written with extreme thoughtfulness a smile appeared on his lips reading the stupid innuendos written in between, humor was something she still possessed, then and now?it was only he who couldn't see humor, for him everything was serious and it still continued to be so?he leaned back, trying to process the letter in his mind?this should not have happened, the letter?it was complicated, the words meant much more than what they intended to say?like the words themselves were wearing clothes and parading around in his chest. He knew that sounded odd, but it really felt like that, almost familiar, one could say?

And then he inevitably started thinking about it; churning it, dissolving it ? all of these things that were happening?Something or someone wanted to understand it so desperately? Then the thoughts started piling up, one after another like trains, and before he realized it, he was stuck, lost in the waves again, and their magnificent laws?

As always he was snapped out of them before time, when his rational mind took over the reins, he looked at the letter once again?he scowled at the "Dear? ?" it almost made him look back through rose-tinted specs at "Dear ? ?"a form of address which always perplexed him more than a little. The insipid ink-dribbling offended him as if the absence of his name was like discovering that when a writer sends his compilation to the editor, they're so uninterested in that submission that they haven't even scrawled the writer's name into the aforementioned space?The intangible concept so irked him with an offense that he thought that his existence did not even merit his acknowledgement?This new no-frills approach however made him feel like a sort of unwanted appendage which is rudimentary?in a shot of anger he crushed the letter and threw it away, it flew and landed in a dark corner of the room? orphaned? but something was left behind, something he couldn't crush into a ball and throw away? the sparkling silver shimmered in the partial darkness, he took hold of it, it was a wedding card?Bani's wedding card? ?he didn't want to yet he felt bad, as if the most precious thing was seized from him forcefully. He pushed away that thought; he had left those thoughts hung in mid-air since half a decade, not even telling himself, and even today he didn't want to search them or seek them? ?not so soon? ?
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As the sunshine of her day started to set into the deepest part of a vast ocean, an ocean which now, no longer seemed to have an easterly sky, where its warm, brilliant rays of love could rise from ? she prayed with all her heart to find the power to somehow dry this ocean, before it permanently swallowed and extinguished the only sunshine she had ever known. Ironically, these very prayers filled her eyes with tears, so abundant even the dams of realization were unable to contain them as they rampantly dripped from her cheeks, increasing the tide of this cursed ocean?As with all sunsets, in the last few moments, before moving swiftly into the ocean, a final breath of life illuminated the skies with all the beauty and brilliance of its lights. Gazing upon this brought stillness and a peace of mind, enabling her to reflect the precious moments which had occurred during her life?which she so cherished?

Five long years yet there was no answer?She had waited patiently for five long years for him, that someday he would come calling her? but he never once came. Never once. Nor came the reply of the letter which she had sent him, she wasn't sad as she knew no reply would ever come. Over the time she wondered what feelings she held for him, for the man who had captured her imagination, since he left, there was certain vacant void inside her?a sense of incompleteness filled her?she had analyzed herself over the span of the elongated time. Many things changed. So did she. But if something didn't change was her love for him. She mused what kind of a love was it??? She branded it as a crush, infatuation, rather blamed the hormones, but at the end of it all she couldn't help but still love him?If ever she confessed her love for him, what will he say??? Will he laugh at her? Or will he mock her??? Will he agree to marry her??? Or will he ignore her like he had been doing all these five years for reasons best known to him??? She was scared, too scared to confess the feelings to herself only, the first year she was sad and upset about his disappearance, the second year she was angry, the third year she was hurt and felt insulted, the fourth year she was resilient and had vowed to forget him, the fifth year she convinced herself that he didn't mean anything to her, that his presence or absence didn't bother her AT ALL, and finally she gave up agreeing that she could never forget him, bitterly cursing herself at her hypocrisy and dichotomy? but more on her weakness as a human, she wasn't a weakling, she lived life to the fullest, studied hard, achieved her goals, but somewhere, deep down how much ever she tried she couldn't remove him from her life, even after non-existing he still existed in her life, his memories had faded but yet not ended, he was secure, in a corner, still, waiting, watching? ?But the worst part was she still couldn't figure out what had she done that he forgot her, forgot that she lived, whenever she wanted to ask him he wasn't there? ?

She could hear noises, the preparations were in full swing, and she would be getting married in about a week?

As the evening ended, tears again sought the high ground, consumed by a mixture of cold sweetness and the heart of a fire. The memory of his child like smile on that day, in the middle of the summer's heat, would stay long past this day's end?would stay long past this life's end? ?As the memories of this day were drawn closer to its end, the tears once again returned with a loving smile of a visit to an enchanted land of fantasy and make believe, and where words of "riding through a body" and "water" brought on a whole new meaning, where life's stress seemed to slide through her toes and vanish into the sands, only to have her tide wash them away?it was A Lost Hope? ?
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God bless
Dhani

The evening was beautiful and the streets were quiet. He walked towards the coast, almost as if he was drifting along, further and further away from himself. The ghostly lights of streetlamps flickered as he passed them, and were swallowed up by the night. It was touchingly silent…The bridge overlooking the shore came into view like shifting sands across a dreamy landscape. It felt like a dream, the kind one has during a nap on a sunny afternoon. Not entirely dream, but not reality either. It was then that he realized that time itself was expanding and that the boundaries that contained his life were being stretched almost imperceptibly…He looked down over the bridge and into the churning sea… The waves were rolling over each other, devouring one another to the rhythm of a frantic heartbeat. A different world came into view; it was denser, and more shadowed. His mind was reeling and he could not tear his eyes away from the waves down below that seemed to be operating under their own laws…In the distance, he saw the bright beam of a lighthouse scanning the waters. He wondered why he hadn't noticed it before. The light looked godly to him, as though it had weight and a life of its own. He trusted it somehow, putting his feeble faith in it. The roar of the sea was deafening, but he noticed that the more attention he paid to that sweeping arc of light, the more the roar of the sea became muffled, like the sound of thunder in a retreating rainstorm…

It was so difficult to maintain a conscious attention. The incessant activity of everything around him continually stole his wary attention. How does he find a space inside that could just observe this continual interplay of thoughts and feelings without reaction?

Why didn't she understand one simple, logical thing, he was like that, unreasonable, unfathomable, confusing, arrogant, aloof, prejudiced, strong-headed, cold, stubborn, short-tempered, incapable of being tied in a relationship, he had his own space reserved only for him, a world he had created where there was no place for anybody else, not even her, this was HE, simply, nothing else, none else existed in that HE, except himself…May be this was selfishness, but everyone in this world was selfish to an extent, even she was… wanting to see him for her own reasons, and most importantly love was selfish, that was his definition of LOVE, something which he didn't choose to believe in, he just couldn't love, he did like certain people, he could do anything for the chose ones, but to be bound in a relationship was not meant for him… love was a pretence, marriage was a folly, people who said they could live with each other till eternity were actually kidding themselves, he was experienced enough to say that, had see most part of the world to stand tall and say that in this world nothing was selfless, nothing was stationary, the only constant thing was Change…

He had been a free bird, ever since…with the early death of his father; there were no restrictions as his mother was gullible, he lived a she wished, learned what was right and what was wrong from experience rather than advice, built his own business with competence, and had singlehandedly taken his company to heights that no one could ever imagine…He had seen the good and bad of life…father's death, mother's naivety, relative exploiting her mother, to an extent that they stole things from their house during his father's funeral, his uncles dragging them to court claiming hold over the property, the only beautiful thing he remembered was his elder sister marriage, the last happy occasion they enjoyed as a family together before the last days of his father…the second most beautiful thing was the birth of his niece, Anu, the one person probably for whom he could bring the world, but then the relationship with his sister also bitter as she kept on cribbing him to marry, he didn't want to marry that was it but she couldn't get the point, first he took it lightly but one day his head blew and he burst on her, he still couldn't forget her crying face with which she left…but his relation with Anu only grew stronger, she adored him and he pampered her, he wondered why his sister didn't stop her daughter from meeting him, she had the right to but she didn't, the reason he still couldn't figure out…his mother, he was never particularly close to her…last but not the least his younger brother, Nachiket, they were different people with different mind-sets, he ah a life, he wanted him to get married first so he could also settle down, but he had refused asking him to go ahead if he pleased, what was there to feel bad about it he couldn't understand, there was no hard and fast rule that the elder got married first, finally he got married and was living happily in US, of course on no-communication with him, he wasn't interested either, then why did he do such a hue and cry… and then there was Bani… …

There were moments where he didn't know what to do with himself. He felt like a complete stranger. All the things he normally felt compelled to do: run an expanding business, check his emails, surf the internet, have a beer, listen to music, etc. were gone. He was a completely different person. Everything felt entirely new and he felt like he had dropped something very heavy, like a traveler who has left his entire luggage at the door…she understood him, never coaxed him to get married like others did, she was fun, she was young too, there was an almost a eleven year difference between them, he had seen her since she was an infant of two weeks, watched with fascination as her mother changed her diapers, sang with her poems in her toothless voice, missing words, missing tune, played catch-catch with her, went cycling with her…and suddenly she grew up…grew up like everybody else…and something was lost, that innocent bani was lost, one day like everybody she also questioned him why didn't he want to marry, he had no reason, he just didn't want to, he was happy alone and independent , he just didn't need anyone to be dependent on, he disliked the word 'dependency', it crippled a man… …and he didn't want to be handicapped… …he wasn't scared but he hated it… …

He had casual flings, where no emotions were attached; they were fine, satisfying, which was definite, had a beginning and had an end. He wondered how easily every relationship miraculously shifted. He realized that he didn't know her at all and at the same time he suffered the fact that he habitually took her for granted. Suddenly there was this capacity of listening to her more deeply. A great mystery has undermined all of his fixed ideas and preconceived notions…

He saw that either he was moving outwards towards dispersion or he was gathering all the pieces of himself inwardly and moving towards wholeness…Many a times in his negativity he drove everything away, for example, he could see his reactions as well as the pull to self calm the situation by pushing it away or by escaping from it…he just didn't; want to face them with the prediction that it would be too over-bearing, a confession, a confrontation was too aching… …

At the end of the day, when the anxiety of that-which-he-must-do fell away and, for maybe the first time that day, he saw, with some clarity, the people he loved and the ways he had, during his life, slightly ignored them, turned away from them to get back to what he was doing, blurted out some mildly hurtful thing, projected, instead of the deep love he really felt, a surge of defensiveness or self-protection or suspicion? That moment when he thought, Oh God, What am I doing with my life? And how must I change to avoid catastrophic end-of-life regrets?

It was extremely odd and discomforting, but at the same time it was bittersweet because it was a taste of a new possibility, a taste of real freedom. He had ceased, for the time being, lying to himself or believing in the stories he created about himself. Of course, he couldn't stay on the summit forever. He would start leaking out this gathered energy like a sieve and then it's back to the level of reaction. These moments of a profound inner separation were merely a preparation for something to penetrate into his daily life. He didn't think they were the ultimate goal. He needed to go further, to include more and this lead him to a deeper questioning…Finally he made his decision…a firm one… …this may hurt many people but he would do it…
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God bless
Dhani